Tuesday, August 18, 2009
.... a lot can happen while you wait
.... I have not blogged in a while and after a number of worried phone calls, emails and texts all due of course to the waiting game that we have been dealing with for weeks now... about 4 to be precise. My original surgical consultation was supposed to be for the 1st September and I think about how long that wait would have eaten away at me and what it would have done to my mental well-being.... thanks to Annette, I did not have to do that and with 4 weeks to wait for pathology reports my temper is shorter and my patience thin. I feel withdrawn and isolated from the rest of the world which is why this weekend was such a great respite from that.....
The morning was spent at the Faceit photo-shoot which went well and made me feel like a million dollars. Lydia finished reading camp in the late morning and the evening was spent with the family at the JLC for the 'Walking with Dinosaurs' show with tickets I had purchased in early May through Scouts Canada!! I sat through the show completely amazed that these creatures expired long before we even existed yet here we were in the 21st century watching a facsimile of these incredible creatures before us..... in the big scheme of things.... we are all so temporary and all so equally amazing. Afterwards, instead of going home, we went to see the fountain at the fork of the Thames and Lydia ran about from one play structure to another exploring and giggling and then sad to have to leave to go home.... we will go and play another time in the day when we can pack a lunch and bring the swimsuits to dance in amongst the water park fountains. The summer is fleeting and will soon come to an end but for now, we enjoy the days we have together and enjoy the heat.
Lydia, Mitchel and I spent lunch and the better part of the afternoon over at Sue's house with Brenda M. and as the girls and I were floating around on the warm waters on the sunny humid afternoon, the phone rang.... I am still in limbo but with the news that the cancer is not HER2, I am relieved and feel some of the weight lift off my shoulders. Sue brought out the champagne and we all toasted to life and the next step in my journey. Lydia is acting out and although I am not sure why, I can see that she is not herself... she wakes up in the middle of the night in pain and keeps us up most of the night. She gets a restful few hours and find her ready to go on Saturday.
Lydia is cheerful and helps me shop for her Daddy's party in the morning and then spends the afternoon playing with a new friend from reading camp and later hangs out with the girl's over at Sue's house.... she is looking tired around the eyes and loses her appetite. I can't get her to drink very much and by the early morning hours she is in pain and is constipated. We sit up with her and get her something to sip on. I crawl into bed with her and exhaustion takes over and we both crash.... Max has had a great day which started with a round of golf with a friend and then a BBQ for his friends later in the evening.
Lydia is feeling a little under but takes some time out to play with friends in the afternoon and sits with Eileen, Anna and Sarah who have come over for a swim and dinner. Max puts her to bed after trying to ease her constipation but it has become quite clear that she is ill and very uncomfortable.... it will be another night cuddling with her after trying to ease her constipation with a suppository.
Lydia has stopped eating and has taken few fluids despite my best efforts and now we are headed to emergency at Victoria Hospital where the only drink she will get will be an intravenous that she will have through the night. Max and I head over to X-Ray in the late evening and will wait until a few minutes after midnight for the on call ultra-sound technician to arrive.... she cannot find the 2 cm long appendix and searches for what seems eternity until she is positive that it is hidden beyond reach. It is now 1:30 am and I send Max home with the Visa card - he has to go to work and needs to leave to get any kind of restful sleep. According to the surgeon I will meet with next, there is a pocket of fluid near the area of the appendix, swollen lymph nodes and an extended bowel. She is sleeping restfully and makes no complaints of pain even though I know she is very uncomfortable. The nurses have attempted to feed me while she rests with a few sticks of cheese, crackers and juice. They have given us a cloth sack containing some toiletries when Lydia wakes up at 2:30 and we are off to brush our teeth and go to sleep in the private room they have provided for us within the emerg department. A gurney is not necessarily the most comfortable place to lay your head but the alternate would have been an armchair. I rest but wake up every few hours when they come in to check her to make sure she is still doing well. By 8:30 we are told by the head Surgical resident that she will be going home but they have given instructions to come back should she complain of pain or experience fever...... We manage to leave in between downpours at about 9 am and head out to Mcdonald's where she wants to eat some breakfast. Still little food and drink but she is happy and plays in the tubes - we are there all by ourselves and leave when a mom and her three boys show up. At home, Shelly knocks on the door - she has some plants for our pond area and we set about digging them in to the soil. Looking good, thanks Shelly!! Lydia and I spend most of the day cuddling or trying to capture rest but the phone is ringing and my BlackBerry is constantly beeping in my ear.... I am still waiting for my own surgeon's office to call and they do.... I will finally get to see him on Thursday afternoon and get to find out what will come next. It is only a few days away but the fatigue, stress and waiting is finally taking its toll and I find myself yelling..... Max does not understand sometimes but then it is easy to see that I take everything in stride and when my guard is up I am predictably strong and able - easy to forget for a moment what I am going through..... please just leave me be and don't engage when you see me aggravated.... oh and the hormones - do we even need to go there??!!
Thank you to all my friends who are showing their support, love and concern!! Thanks Deb for your call from Ottawa - I am fine.... just a little thin in the patience department but will get there!! Sue, the champagne was fantastic and a great way to ring in the week end - it is moments like these that I hold on to in the dark.
..... time for bed....