Monday, April 30, 2012
.....what a whirlwind couple of months..... i am up before the crack of dawn because I cannot sleep. The head does not know when to shut down. I wake knowing what has been making me feel so out of sorts... I am a young girl, probably my daughter's age now and I can feel a tightness in my chest like someone is sitting on it...an older sibling looks at me with mean eyes as her hands clench my hair in fist fulls. She is always angry at me for one thing or another. I can't remember why she is inches from my face but I do know that her temper warns me that she is to be feared. I have feared her my entire life and find myself guarded and defensive around her... only I am not 9 anymore. I am now 48, raising my own children and caring for two parents.... my chest feels that same heaviness, only she is not physically sitting on my chest anymore. Her tactics have not changed in 4 decades and my responses to the antagonism have not either... until now. Many things have changed over the years including how I feel about myself. My reactions were automatic from years of rehearsal....isn't that how we are when we are thrown back into a situation that creates stress in our lives? It has been 33 years since I have lived under the same roof and many things have changed in my life. I have grown to be respected in my field, raised children, fought cancer and now opened my life and my heart to the very parents who raised my siblings and I? What is it about the dynamics of our growing years that reduce us to children the moment that the first button is pressed? Why does all common sense get thrown out the window and emotions take over.... not an easy answer.... I just know that the tit-for-tat is wreaking havoc and I want it to simply cease. There are still those unresolved issues that will never see resolution. I understand that the issues I have had my entire life rest in those days of feeling no control.... the knee in the chest and unable to get up and away from that face contorted in anger screaming at me. I take in a deep breath and another one... that was then and this is now. i have control over my own life and I make the decisions that are in the best interest of my family. My husband is quick to point out all my good points before letting me know how disappointed he is in what has transpired over the past few weeks. I am sure my brother would be happy to discuss the finer points of being caught in the middle of two little girls just trying to have their sides heard.... only neither one goes away satisfied and the dance begins again with the next button pressed. I have had enough of this dance!! I do not need to prove myself or seek out acceptance from her anymore. I did not get it then, and I will not get it now....the little girl is no longer helpless and pinned to the floor... she gets up, brushes herself off and moves on with the grace of 33 years of personal growth. I know that I must always be mindful that I avoid button pushing by just being myself and not automatically reacting to someone who can no longer hurt me anymore unless I choose to let her.