tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90309500361221146422024-03-13T04:32:56.787-07:00A day in the life of......... this is the story of my journey through triple negative breast cancer which was first diagnosed in 2009. A recent re-diagnosis in June 2013, with the identical pathology in the lymph nodes in my neck and chest have re-awakened the blog. In 2014, tumors were located in the liver..... so this is my story and our adventures of raising a family while living with cancerAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.comBlogger223125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-75524806551564887272015-01-07T15:48:00.002-08:002015-01-07T15:53:51.066-08:00My Wife, My friend, My Soul Mate...<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Hello Everyone,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Peacefully at Victoria Hospital on Saturday December 27th in her 51st year beloved wife of Max DeVries and proud mother of William, Mitchel and Lydia. Sister of Christian Stopani-Thomson, Gina Goad, Patricia Williams and daughter of Malcolm and Helga Stopani-Thomson passed away from cancer with her immediate family by her side. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Marita started her career in the military as a radio technician and soon moved on as an electrical technologist for CTV in London, Ontario. She thr</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">ived in her new career and started her family with energy and strength. Along the way, Sarah Brown joined our family circle and held a special place in Marita’s heart. With Marita’s enthusiasm for learning and her expertise, she was offered a position with Fanshawe College to guide the next generation. Within a season she recognized her passion for teaching, which lead her to obtain an Honours degree in teaching from the University of Western Ontario. Prior/during she was diagnosed and began her battle with cancer. As a result she became a strong advocate for cancer research and made it a priority to educate as many people as possible. She did it with humor and compassion, and supported the nurses passionately in their fight for job security. She participated heavily in activities at the college, university and high schools, her goal was always to engage with the students and give them guidance. One of her many accomplishments was the development and teaching of the technologist curriculum at Fanshawe College with Sara Johnson. She always put herself forward and wanted people to learn not just about their path in life, but also about life itself. Her final request was to have her ashes spread throughout her gardens. In lieu of flowers, donations to <a href="http://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellspring.ca%2FLondon&h=ZAQEXlRAD&enc=AZNdUWIboTVfuznDjNbsyFHcKUroY91vPgHYBStbE205inV21iXtS3llCnS2qaRKwUOiCJP4IFd_xxuvkgmGW-lYreOUl6reFLNpqg4-0YMjbTgzmXYwJCNEcvNuaPpQ6vKHrckDxM9bbPjHDe5wh3ReMNqlbzKjwq8BhlhjTtSdkQ&s=1" rel="nofollow" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.wellspring.ca/London</a> would be appreciated.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Sincerely,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Max DeVries</span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-38053042887877844402014-10-24T16:53:00.001-07:002014-11-02T06:28:36.545-08:00It took forever to lose a few pounds.... until the cancer began to
spread......... and now I am being asked to stop losing the weight now that it is falling off. What do you do when you are not hungry or just nauseated? Easy..... the medical marijuana has brought back my appetite and taste for eating again. It has relieved my pain and keeps me comfortable. After a few months of a waning appetitie.... I am slowly getting it back.<div><br></div><div><i style="font-weight: bold;">Thelma (family dog) </i> is our beagle cross girl. She is now 11 years old and unfortunately also has cancer.... neuralblastoma - many of these tumours that are growing along her back, chest, stomach etc. It makes me sad that she is sick like Mommy.</div><div><br></div><div><i style="font-weight: bold;">Pamidronate - </i>the infusion I took at the beginning of the month made me feel nauseated for a few weeks and it looks like my body is easily bruised. Case in point - I stomped my right foot and then felt a stinging in my right calf. It turns out that I broke a vein in my calf. The bruise was massive and quite painful to the touch. A few days later, the dog jumped onto my lap and caused a long bruise on my upper leg. Both bruises are still there after 2 weeks. I made an appointment with my GP to go over some of my questions. One of those questions will be to discuss the lump on my head... which is likely a cyst. </div><div><br></div><div>My GP is sending me off to a surgeon to remove the 'cyst' on my head. It looks like a small bud </div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Yes the Pamidronate will affect 1-10 people out of 100 with regards to bruising. Great.... just my luck. We will see how the Oncologist feels about this one.</span></div><div><br></div><div><i style="font-weight: bold;">Support Groups - </i>I joined a TNBC stage IV group from the States on FB. There are women from all around the world in this group. It's amazing how many different kinds of treatment there are. So many have passed away this week and I am feeling the fear and lonliness that comes with a terminal patient watching her peers go one by one. You see their posts of hope mere weeks before the silence that announces their departure.... and then the notes left by friends and family on their wall the day of their passing. I wonder when it will be my turn... those thoughts are pushed out of the way but not before I consider what people might say about how I spent my time on Earth.</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Medical marijuana</i></b></div><div>It has been suggested that I talk about the 'Magical Butter' machine I recently purchased at a 420 store down the street. The MB2 unit is a microprocessor controlled cooking carafe which can be used to create oils, tinctures and cooking items other than marijuana. Let's face it though - it was specifically designed to produce marijuana oils and butter. It is likely the simplest way to produce a good quality butter. I simply use two cups of raw, organic coconut oil and then I throw in 20 grams of bud. I then select the temperature of 160 degrees for 1 hour. The blender and heater are all controlled by the microprocessor to keep the materials blended and heated evenly. I then pour the finished contents (alarm on the unit rings when completed) through the filter bag that is included in the box into a large glass measuring cup. I then carefully pour the finished and strained oil into 500 ml large mouth mason jars and store in the fridge. *** the leds around the rim let you know the carafe is working.</div><div><br></div><div>I have two types of butter I have made. A high THC makes it easy to fall asleep at night. The high CBD provides me with pain relief during the day. I do not take anything on days I am working so I just tolerate the pain because I refuse to take any of the opiates in my medicine cabinet. I find I have to increase my intake every few days as my tolerance increases. It is amazing how well this medicine works to keep me pain free, sleeping and eating. In just one month, I have improved my quality of life without compromising my ability to focus and work.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-9DIjpiB5UwQ/VE_j3JQKggI/AAAAAAAADz4/F3YIrxZqqEs/s640/blogger-image--1299783347.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-9DIjpiB5UwQ/VE_j3JQKggI/AAAAAAAADz4/F3YIrxZqqEs/s640/blogger-image--1299783347.jpg"></a></div></div><br></div><div><i style="font-weight: bold;">Gail Hathaway - </i>passed from metastatic cancer on October 30th at the age of 55. She was my mentor and friend on the Dragon Boat team I once paddled with. Gail will be missed for her wide smile and her sweet disposition. I only wished I knew she was ill, I would have dropped in to see her when she returned from competing in Italy for the Worlds competition. I understood after emailing a team mate of hers that she had been feeling under the weather when she was in Italy. Rest in Peace Gail. You will be missed.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-968332736837194522014-10-04T12:54:00.001-07:002014-10-09T08:40:55.426-07:00what is it like to face your mortality.......... when you are still holding out for a miracle? <div><br></div><div>I am having an introspective and sobering week now that my cousin Torsten has passed away nearly a week ago. He was only 10 months older than me. My friend Melina was 46 when she passed with cancer on May 10th. I often ask myself, why am I still here when I have an aggressive cancer and then I remember.... it is spreading.</div><div><br></div><div>My cousin's vertibrae were collapsing mere weeks before he passed away while on chemo.... like the worm riddled wood of a termite infested beam. Melina's cancer had spread unchecked to every far reaching corner... carried by the same bloodstream that brought her life. Both were on chemo for months before they passed away. Both did not have a quality left to their life. I wonder if that will be me? Of course without the chemo....as we know, it does little to kill the cancer. </div><div><br></div><div>In May 2013 my bone scan was clear. In July 2013 I was in emergency chemo because I could not breathe. While the chemo may have reduced the tumours in and around my heart and lungs to a level of comfort.... the cancer simply relocated to the bones. I am reminded in the Chemotherapist's office that 'we bought a year'. And what a year it has been!!! Phenomenal and full of amazing moments. I suppose I would not change a thing because I was given that gift of just one more year. The illness is rearing its head with a vengence and is spreading to other locations deep within the bone. Yes, I know exactly where because of the pain in those localities. Most people would think they bent the wrong way or slept wrong.... until you realize that bruises or strains resolve in weeks and do not persist for months on end. The pain spots are minor but the fracture in the sternum is major and its amazing how many other parts rely on just that one small bone to do complex to simple motor functions.</div><div><br></div><div>This week I have a terrible cold and the coughing racks my body and shakes my ribs with each draw of breath. I have to watch out for possible complications of pneumonia so watching the mucous means we are looking for blood. I am thankful the radiation has reduced the enlarging lump in my chest to something more normal. On either side of the sternum, its hard not to notice the nerves have been affected either too sensitive or not sensitive at all. While in radiation, I visualized the cancer cells being pulled out of my bones and igniting as soon as they reach a ball of fire I have created in my imagination and blazing just past the tip of my fingers so as to zap them so they can't return. The mind is a powerful healing tool and I just hope I got it just right.... my fears would like to tell me otherwise.... go away fears.... just go away already.</div><div><br></div><div>Where do you go and what do you do when you are faced with the prospects of living a much shorter life than expected.... you get sad..... angry.....laugh hysterically..... cry..... rant and then.... you get on with your life. Do I have a bucket list... NO is the short answer because we rarely think we need to consider that 15 or so years away from retirement. We are too busy living the life we feel we are obligated to live while saving for the one we wish we had more time for. When time runs out and you don't make it to retirement, then what?? You begin to choose your priorities rather quickly. Making memories for my chilldren is the driving force behind the trip we planned in December to a warm climate where we can play and be together. It's 9 weeks away and I worry that I might fracture the leg keeping me here in London instead. We simply cannot worry anymore about what might or might not happen, only to cross that bridge if we get to it. I am grateful for a country that has medicinal marijuana which allows me to sleep and be pain free at night. I just wish everyone who needed it could have it available. </div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Beautiful flowers....</i></b></div><div>It is Monday and I am puttering around getting ready for a mid day meeting when there is a knock on the door. I look around the livingroom wall in time to see a set of eyes staring into the hallway where I am now standing. I open the door to an older gentleman holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. He confirms the recipient, smiles and heads down the step mentioning how nice the sun has popped out of the clouds after admitting to staring through the window at my cat who was standing on the other side of our kitchen sliding doors looking to come in. I pull out the card and begin to read it... instant tears pop up... its from Nicolette in Holland. Max heads up the stairs and also reads the card. He too has tears....</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-LRVfh3X9Tc8/VDQeONlEywI/AAAAAAAADx8/MAoFXDoFTxM/s640/blogger-image--905399337.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-LRVfh3X9Tc8/VDQeONlEywI/AAAAAAAADx8/MAoFXDoFTxM/s640/blogger-image--905399337.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-w9CQ2OSkNRY/VDQeM9P_yyI/AAAAAAAADx0/I9gdw-zjo0k/s640/blogger-image--1274702197.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-w9CQ2OSkNRY/VDQeM9P_yyI/AAAAAAAADx0/I9gdw-zjo0k/s640/blogger-image--1274702197.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Thank you so very much for your kind words and for brightening our day!!! We are so grateful!!</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Finding Support.....</i></b></div><div>I do not spend a lot of time mulling over things unless it is to solve a problem... I am constantly moving forward and looking for my next goal.... but sometimes, it helps to know that there are others in the same journey and it is essential to learn what treatments they are taking and how they are coping. I have joined an online TNBC Stage IV group. Stage IV is the last staging in a cancer journey and these women, like myself, have already been through a few years of one diagnosis after another so they tend to cut to the heart of the matter and are real in their genuine support to others. They understand what it feels like to be in the journey.... councellors depend on what they have been told or have read... they have their place too... but not for me.</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Getting Support.....</i></b></div><div>Probably the hardest thing to do for a woman who is so used to calling the shots and living life on her terms is to ask for support. For an A type personality, asking for help is not the same as accepting help. We don't ask for help but we are quick to offer it.... even if we are too sick, we will always try. My friends have learned to not ask... they just do. I am really blessed to have a number of incredibly loving women in my life. </div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Treatment Day.... 7 October 2014 - Pamidronate infusion</i></b></div><div>I head out to the LRCP at Victoria Hospital. My appointment is for 10 am in the morning. I am chronically early so I report in with the secretary and then head out into the hallway to wait. The chemo suites are always busy and here in the back hallway, we see many employees moving in and out of the chemo suites at the end of the hallway to our left. I don't like chemo and I can still feel and taste the toxins in my mouth... I shudder and feel grateful that I am only here to get an infusion to help fortify the bones that have cancer growing in them. Technician Lillian makes her way out to me in the hallway... it is my turn to head into the suite. I turn to the older gentleman in the chair next to me and place my hand on his arm. I wish him all the very best and he looks over to smile up at me. He is there to have his pic line removed (an IV line that is fed into an arm vein and threaded into the chest ensuring an easy quick connect for chemo and blood tests) now that the recent chemo treatments have not helped with his cancer. </div><div>Lillian leads me into the OD suite and I sit in a large comfey chair near the windows. The late summer sky is beautifully blue with wifts of white clouds skirting by, pushed by the morning winds. I explain to her about the main vein not being a viable one for IV's anymore. No worries. She wants to find one that will allow me to move my hand without restrictions as I will be heading home with the IV bottle attached. It takes about 2-3 hours to completely infuse the medicine into the veins and then I need someone at home to help remove the IV. Liliian chooses the large wrist vein and has me breathe in deeply as she inserts the needle. Great job and she earns her first of three hugs!!!! She goes over exactly what I need to do and how to instruct my friend Brenda to pull out the IV. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-uahWOEhT1jc/VDaTKPfhHNI/AAAAAAAADyM/MRhQ7galRoc/s640/blogger-image--392548812.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-uahWOEhT1jc/VDaTKPfhHNI/AAAAAAAADyM/MRhQ7galRoc/s640/blogger-image--392548812.jpg"></a></div> This is a really ingenious way of infusing the medicine. A balloon is filled with the medication that is pushed through a tube that runs up the middle of the bottle. When the infusion is done, the balloon will deflate around the center tube. It can then be put into the garbage as this unit is non toxic. Super cool. I wish to thank my lovely friend and neighbor Brenda for always having a sense of humour when it comes to helping through the most unusual requests!!! I have my next infusion in four weeks after they test my kidneys to make sure they are functioning well. I am supposed to do this for the rest of my life... I guess we will wait to see.</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Prettying up the Pink</i></b></div><div>I am outspoken. I always weigh the importance of filing a complaint before acting to ensure that the complaint is valid. It is Pink October.... the time of the year when for weeks, we are inundated with pink promotions and sales all in the name of donating to a good cause. Well..... just about everyone who wants to make a quick dime is also out there selling inexpensive trinkets or using the cause to promote or further their business. Fund raisers use marketers that they pay to maximize their reach and exposure in order to increase fundraising dollars. The CIBC Run for the Cure fundraises for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. I have been an invited spokesperson for the Run a few years ago and participated in the run for a few years. The issue with their latest marketing has everything to do with what I classify as 'prettying up the pink'</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-kQleYZOB140/VDarw5JeTQI/AAAAAAAADyk/t-nwOOjnKEA/s640/blogger-image-550965362.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-kQleYZOB140/VDarw5JeTQI/AAAAAAAADyk/t-nwOOjnKEA/s640/blogger-image-550965362.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>My letter to the CIBC primarily says that the marketing itself is insensitive - 'Sign up to create more amazing family memories'..... as if living with cancer and the consequent metastasis are somehow linked to creating amazing family memories by running for the cure?????? I am assured by the CIBC's response that the woman 'Nalie' in the poster is a breast cancer survivor being supported by her two brothers. I write back to ask them if anyone looking at the poster of a healthy beautiful young woman being cuddled by two men would even know that? The poster could have said.... 'Survivor Nalie is supported by her brothers on a day when she can give back to help her 'sisters'......</div><div><br></div><div>Here's the thing with marketing - they are there to make it look great.... but the reality is..... cancer is not a pink bola or a 'fun' event. It is serious business where people are dying. This poster in my estimation is grossly insensitive to those of us in the journey who would like to see the 'entertainment' in our disease to end along with the disease. This fund-raising has been going on since 1986 and they continue to say 'we can't stop now.... we are getting close to finding a cure'. In the cancer world as with any other... close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades. I understand and applaud fund raising when it is done with respect and the money raised all goes to research. I am disappointed that the reality is.... all this money..... all this time and we are still being treated with medicines created and used 40 years ago. Living longer with an illness is not always quality based and yet statistics that have been tossed back to me say we are living longer.... Melina 'lived' longer.... on almost 15 months of chemo until the cancer took over. She spent the last 5 weeks of her life slowly dying. </div><div><br></div><div>The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation has not responded to me but prior to this, they were always good about throwing out statistics. So here's a statistic - 69% of all monies goes to research - The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation chooses which research facility will get granted what money. Who decides where the money goes and why? </div><div><br></div><div>It is your money and you can donate to whomever you choose to. I only ask that when you do, do so knowing where your money is being spent. Researchers will gladly accept your donations directly without going through the middleman.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-QgY19FK4DOA/VDarx24R2iI/AAAAAAAADys/mSeHdykRWVE/s640/blogger-image--2064468991.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-QgY19FK4DOA/VDarx24R2iI/AAAAAAAADys/mSeHdykRWVE/s640/blogger-image--2064468991.jpg"></a></div></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-cuVRHVmqqes/VDarvuYQSlI/AAAAAAAADyc/HY_hgt7tEG4/s640/blogger-image--375765331.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-cuVRHVmqqes/VDarvuYQSlI/AAAAAAAADyc/HY_hgt7tEG4/s640/blogger-image--375765331.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><b><i>Thursday October 9th.....</i></b></div><div>My first day off when I can simply sit, enter course grades and watch daytime tv.... while blogging... I am watching Border Security... and all those people being arrested for Marijuana (which is still classified as a narcotic) despite the fact that some people use it as medicinal marijuana from another state or province. Knowing how well this medicine works for me.... its hard to believe that it is classified as a narcotic when the real narcotics produced by big Pharma have essentially caused more harm and dependancy and even death.....yet, you can carry it with you in your luggage as long as it has a DIN and prescription on the bottle. This afternoon I will have a Reiki appointment. I will just enjoy the day with a lovely cup of tea.....later I will go out for a walk and enjoy the cool late summer breezes. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-28900798104621515942014-10-02T10:02:00.000-07:002014-10-02T10:02:08.254-07:00... not the best news......... from the Chemotherapist in Tuesday's appointment.....<br />
<br />
The bone scan results are in. Surprise!! The cancer has found new homes in bones other than the sternum. The bone scan clearly shows grey shadows in the left and right hip and the left femur where it creates the ball joint that fits into the hip. There are shadows in vertebrae C7 and L1 which have been determined as minor... although to a cancer patient, whose cancer is spreading quickly... minors turn into majors quickly. There is a soft bulge next to C7 in my back that I was aware of a month ago and knew that it too would be a clear indicator of cancer.<br />
<br />
Dr Younis rarely smiles and his demeanour is very business-like. He is there to deliver bad news and does it in a matter-of-fact way. He just states the facts which I clearly appreciate. He also is frugal when it comes to offering chemo because at this stage in the game, it would be useless to give it to me when I am still living a good quality of life. He also takes into account that I am not a fan of chemo and am not eager to even entertain another course of toxic sludge that will not stop the cancer but instead hold it temporarily at bay. It will be suggested as a last resort and likely as just a palliative option. These conversations lack emotion as I receive the news he is delivering. There is an option available to assist with building the bones to reduce fractures and bone pain. It is an I.V infusion called Pamidronate which is given every 4 weeks for the rest of a person's life unless they are unable to continue it due to intestinal issues or compromised Kidney function. He asks me if I have a drug plan.... yes but only during the months I am teaching partial load.... I begin to wonder just how much this is going to cost.<br />
<br />
He lets me know that I need to do a follow up x-ray of my left leg and hip to see if a fracture shows up to indicate the extent of spread. He parts a few minutes later and the nurse returns with a permission slip for the infusions and lets me know that the hospital will call with an appointment time. Great!! More pokes to an already stressed vascular system in the only arm that can have needles. I lost track a long time ago about how many injections I have had.<br />
<br />
I head over to X-ray in the next building. I try to call Max but he doesn't pick up. I feel this desperate loneliness all of a sudden as I drift past the windows overlooking the cancer garden and head into the heart of B building. X-Ray is busy and busier still when the overhead announces a fire exercise and I am told to head around the corner and sit to wait my turn. I am handed a card with a number. A gentleman across from me is standing behind a counter and looking every bit as much a Maitre 'd in his pressed pants and shirt. His job is to coordinate patients into the right X-ray suite. He tells me that it was quiet yesterday and I respond by letting him know that it isn't going to make a difference as I have become used to waiting for many appointments in my lengthy journey of cancer and its metastasis. I don't know why I said it but after I heard myself, the shock hit me and I found myself feeling emotional. He excuses himself only to return a minute later. He crooks his finger at me and motions for me to follow him. He extends his hand out and takes the number from my hand while guiding me around the corner. He places my paperwork in the intake folder outside the door and motions for me to sit on a chair across the way. I smile and thank him..... he smiles and wishes me luck and then heads back in the direction we came from.<br />
<br />
The X-Ray tech peeks her head out and calls my name. I head in as she asks who I am and my date of birth while pointing at the table under the scanner. "Please have a seat while I figure out what we need to do" she says as she walks around the corner. I am alone in a quiet room and the tears are starting to form on the lower lid threatening to burst like a damn to let the flood waters escape. I hold myself to concentrate on just getting through the exam and head home. The tech returns and instructs me to lay down...the dam bursts and I can't hold back the tears that endlessly course down the side of my face soaking into the sheet beneath my head. "Oh dear! Are you OK? Can I get you a kleenex?" She grabs me a kleenex and I wipe the tears. I cross my arms over my face when she returns with another tech to assist in rolling me to my side while trying to slip a wedge behind me to keep me in place. I laugh when they react to me getting too close to the edge - comedic interval in an otherwise stressful day. They are both quite sweet and help me to my feet when the procedure is completed. They wish me luck when I say thank you and head out wearing my sunglasses. My eyes are notorious for giving away how I am feeling and especially the deep red when I have been crying.<br />
<br />
I head home and find myself alone. Everyone is off to school or work. Max still isn't answering my calls so I assume he is busy. I call Sarah. We both have a little teary moment and then I ask her out for breakfast at a local eatery. I get there first and ask the waitstaff if Gail is available. Gail makes her way over to my table a few minutes later and takes one look at me before I start tearing up again. She quickly sits down and takes my hand. She is the manager of this busy eatery and one of the kindest people you could meet....(my friends are all this way and I am truly blessed).... she sits with me until Sarah arrives bearing a lovely bouquet and a set of glazed eyes. Gail stands up to let Sarah in and gives me a hug. "Breakfast is on me" she says as she walks away to assist with an increasing line-up at the front door.<br />
<br />
Sarah has tucked a beautiful hand-made card in amongst the flowers and her touching note springs new tears in a tear-weary face. She isn't sure what to say to me and even I do not know what to say.... so we discuss what we are having for breakfast while sipping on our coffees. It is so good to see her and suddenly I do not feel alone any more. I can't remember everything we chatted about only the feeling of being safe and loved. We decide to head back to my place after breakfast and another quick conversation with Gail complete with hugs.<br />
<br />
When I was in University, I took a Native studies course and learned about smudging. When we arrive home I ask Sarah if she would like to smudge the house with me. Sure!! We find a clay pot in the garage and I pull out the dried Sage leaves from my garden. I love the pungent aroma of dried sage when you crush it. Smudging though requires that you burn the Sage and use the smoke to help cleanse your body of thoughts, feelings and spiritual blockages. We will also smudge the entire house. I wave my hand over the pot because I do not have a feather to fan the embers.... it distinguishes quickly and I have to keep re-igniting it throughout the ritual. We head to each room and enter it... I describe out loud what the room is and in the case of the bedrooms, who sleeps there. I ask the spirits who are benevolent to stay and protect us and invite those who are not to simply leave. Sarah helps to open the windows as I wave the smoke to help escort unwelcome 'visitors' to our home. I just go with it and the words begin to flow.... and the confidence mounts as we near the last room and bless it and its regular occupant. There, I feel better.... until I realize I am running late for an afternoon coordinator's course. Sarah and I hug and part ways as I head off to my next appointment.....<br />
<br />
.... and make it with a minute to spare. I am deeply grateful that I did not miss the opportunity to meet our amazing instructor who stayed to speak with me after class.... and we discovered how much we have in common. People will come into your life to challenge and teach you... they will also be put into your path to support you when you need it the most. I will keep this conversation private but it is suffice to say....there are many soul friends on our Earth and we are blessed for finding them and recognizing them when we do.<br />
<br />
Despite the long day, I find myself heading over to Sara J's house for a glass of water and a chat after leaving the College. Her dog Roxy greets me at the door and then plays with me when I get down on the floor to pat her and give her kisses. She romps around between Sara and myself through our visit. I enjoy watching her languish and give cuddles to Sara and then bounce over onto the couch I am reclined in to greet me with a wagging tail. Such amazing magic that our animals bring to our spirits... its as if they can read our minds. When I was a young child I would often sit in the woods and animals would come up to me and sit with me... as I grew, the same thing would happen with small children who would just unabashedly climb into my lap to say Hi... often when I was out an about in restaurants or at parks with my own children. I noticed a few years ago that the stresses in my life had blocked that 'invitation' to children and pets to just come over. I think they could sense how stressed I really was and that my spirit was closed to connecting with others. My illness has given me much clarity as to what is really important in life.... to connect, to live, laugh and love. I am in a good place now according to the little baby a block over and now Sara's dog Roxy.... an open and inviting good place.<br />
<br />
It's time to head back home... the rain has started and it feels good. I am at peace as I head back to my own family. When I arrive, I see Max in the back yard grilling on the BBQ. He is deep in thought and turns as I stand at the kitchen sliding doors looking out at him. He beckons me with a wave to come out. I step through the door and the tears start the minute he hugs me.... I have been trying to keep from sobbing all day but in his arms it feels safe to let go. My mantra with him this year is a string of 'sorries'.... sorry for dragging you through this seemingly endless stream of bad news. He looks weary.... I feel incredibly guilty. I love you endlessly Max. <br />
<br />
My father-in-law Terry is an amazing human being and the one I usually turn to when I need to talk to someone with a level head in the family. He is a great listener and always has good insight from an observers position. He assures me on the phone that he and Max's mom will look out for the family if anything happens to me. I let him know to remind Max to wait at least 2 years before dating again or I will haunt him... add to that the fact that I will haunt the nosy neighbours across the street if they are still living there when my day comes. We laugh about this and he assures me that Max will take time to heal..... and that the neighbours will get what they deserve. He also tells me that I now need to blog about my organic pain medication after witnessing how quickly and effectively it works..... so here goes....<br />
<br />
<b><i>Medical Marijuana </i></b><br />
This may certainly come as a great surprise to all who know me.... 40 years of saying 'just say no to drugs' and yet, here I am going against everything I was taught about mj. I was worried what my friends would say or how they would take the news. Funny, not one person has been judgemental. Instead, they have let me know that it is a wise decision. So, this week so far, I have given his information to a few people......<br />
<br />
http://drmikehart.ca/marijuana-therapy/<br />
<br />
How does this work? Well, interestingly enough, no doctor will give you a referral to his services hence the reason why they have a no referral service. I went to an appointment on a Tuesday in early September with my CT scans in hand to speak to him about obtaining medical marijuana. I stepped into the examination room and within a few minutes, a handsome young man entered and introduced himself as Dr. Mike Hart. We had a conversation about my pain after showing him diagnostic evidence of the bone metastasis and then I broke down. I was at a point of desperation and no sleep making me absolutely exhausted and not eating. He indicated that there were a number of Canadian Government sanctioned growers. I chose one and he sent off the request with support documentation to the producers at Tilray https://www.tilray.ca They in turn sent me an email confirming my acceptance and how to login to their site. I was able to login that day and order the medication that I felt best suited my situation - needing sleep and pain control. Within 24 hours, a parcel arrived at my front door and voila!! You are only sent the buds of the plant. On the secure package is the information on the strain and how much THC and CBD is in your particular order. That was the easy part. The hard part was now to try and convert the buds into an oil for consumption. I do not smoke and understand through research that you do not fully benefit from marijuana medically if you smoke or inhale it. I looked up sites for RSO oil http://phoenixtears.ca/message-from-rick/ from a Canadian who grew and concocted his own MJ oil to cure his cancer. I also looked up the Stoner's Cookbook online on the suggestion of the doctor's office http://thestonerscookbook.com to see how I could make edibles that didn't taste gross.<br />
<br />
My first order came in with a manual grinding tool which I used to break down the buds into manageable flakes. I measured how much then I added a 1:1 ratio of organic coconut oil I purchased from Costco. I then cooked the two together for about 45 minutes on the stovetop.... dear God my house stank horribly of weed... running the kitchen fan simply sent the scent outside. I prayed no one in the neighbourhood would notice. There are teens living near by and never mind the one currently living in our house who immediately noticed. Yes, I am candid and honest with my children and they just accepted the fact that mommy was now a night time pot head.... I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around the old stigmas still swirling in my brain..... Once the concoction was cooked to the desired time, I then used a special caning cloth to strain out the organic material and then put it in the fridge to harden. Once hard, the oil has floated to the top and the water and fine organic material are on the bottom. I removed the hard oil and discarded the water and scraped off any organic material still clinging to the bottom of the block of oil. I store it in a cool place and well sealed. At night, I scoop out 1/2 tsp of solid oil into a cup of tea. In about 45 minutes, I am fast asleep and will only wake up to go to the washroom. <br />
<br />
There were a few occasions when, after making the RSO oil... using 99% isopropyl alcohol to denature the oil from the plant.... that I was too stoned to get up. I learned to use this one sparingly (no taste test while 'cooking' it) as you only require a minute portion approx the size of half a grain of rice. I detest the taste and promise myself to never do that again. Next time I will try to locate some Neufie Screech to denature it. Is it volatile while cooking.... YES!! While trying to evaporate off the remaining isopropyl on my gas stove, it immediately ignited. Lucky there was a lid nearby. <br />
<br />
I have created my own unique way of cooking my oil and doing it outside without an open flame. I use a rice cooker and a crucible made by Cuisinart in a double boiler method. It works exceptionally well without a fire!!! <br />
<br />
I have learned to use a small amount and about an hour before bed. I go to bed really early so that I can get a full 8 hours and wake up a few hours before work begins. The RSO I will take on a Saturday night when I know I have no where to go - gives me opportunity to figure out how much is too much and what is just right. I personally hate being stoned and this hasn't changed my attitudes about recreational pot. I did have to go to the hospital late at night on Tuesday night and I realize the head lolling had more to do with the cannabis than it did my sudden onset of fever. Thank goodness it is just a cold virus. By the time we had to leave the hospital.... I was suddenly hungry.... and asked Max to pull into the McDonald's drive through. The hamburger barely left its container before it was devoured. As much as I do not like McDonalds... the hamburger was the first thing I had eaten in weeks that I could taste and was actually hungry enough to eat it. After returning home at 4 am... I slept like a log and awoke a few hours later to teach my classes. I need to eat more because the weight is steadily falling off... my impossible to wear jeans are now impossibly loose on me.<br />
<br />
<i><b>My cousin Torsten Friedrich from Freiburg Germany passes away....</b></i> after his lung cancer metastasized into his vertebrae this past week. My sister Pat and her husband Alan were wonderful for travelling to visit him before he succumbed to his illness weeks ago. The morning they saw him, his cervical vertebrae were crumbling like a house filled with termites. Cancer is just like termites - they start little colonies in 'perfect' spots and then move their expanding numbers in other locations. They could never imagine the destruction to their natural habitat they exact with each hole they drill so that they will eventually kill their host. May you rest in peace now Torsten and know that you will be missed by all who love you. I believe the Reiki master got it right when she said you had visited with us during one of our sessions just a few days before you passed away. <br />
<br />
Cancer is a parasite with no eyes, no ears and no comprehension of what it is doing. We as humans can say the same thing about ourselves as we wreck havoc on the earth that sustains our lives.... until we one day will make it uninhabitable. I could talk about this all day but the disappointment in man's ever greedy need to control and manipulate the earth to their benefit would upset me too much.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Moving always forward....</i></b><br />
My mantra has to remain positive and while I am still on this earth... continue to always do my best and to help whenever I can. I finally planned out and paid for our trip to Mexico in December. While it has been advised for me to take it easy... fractures can happen so fast with cancer compromised bones that I will just have to swim and drink pool side while I send the family out to Zip line in the jungle and take day trips out to the ruins... of course if I go, i will be walking only. William will fly in to meet up with us and then we will all fly out together to our sunny destination. YAY!!!<br />
<br />
I guess that sums up the past couple of days..... radiation treatments are completed tomorrow and next Tuesday, I will be heading to the Chemo suite to get the bone building infusion done. Live each day by accepting the journey you are on is meant to grow your soul and give you the spirit that keeps you strong on your most trying days. xoxoxoxAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-56088396341927314612014-09-15T04:59:00.001-07:002014-09-29T03:45:23.607-07:00.... preparing for radiation........ and not being able to gauge how I really feel about this next procedure. I have been told that the radiation treatments will be painful to the sternum for a short while before the pain I have been experiencing starts to abate after the cancer is hopefully incinerated. I have been warned that it will affect my skin and possibly do some damage to the structures beneath it. <div><br></div><div>The skin between my breasts and along the sternum is very sensitive to the touch... bordering on painful. even if i just gently run my fingers along the bone. It feels like a bad sunburn - and I haven't even had my first treatment yet. I pray that we just affect the tumour and not cause any further damage.</div><div><br></div><div>The new pain medication is working to relax and give me some much needed rest. It is an organic prescribed pain killer, which we spent the weekend converting to a medicinal rub and additive to my evening tea. It is suspended in coconut oil as a base and preserve to prevent it from spoiling. The rub has been working well on the skin providing much needed relief from the constant ache. Ingesting a small amount before bed allows me to sleep pain free and wake up in the morning with the energy needed to sail through my day. Pain free sleep is a blessing - it is the time of night when I am able to recharge the batteries and face the day with a better outlook. </div><div><br></div><div>Last evening I tried to help Max in the garden. It is no longer possible for me to pull plants without causing the sternum to protest and send pain shooting into the arms only to be followed with numbness and then more pain. Bending over still causes issues with the Vaga nerve that runs along my neck. I feel old.... and am just hoping that with the treatments I can begin to feel better...</div><div><br></div><div>I just asked a friend of mine to help me to make a video. What kind of video? A friend of mine reminded me a few nights ago that the one thing that bothers her the most about the passing of her mother when she was 14 years old; was not being able to remember what her mother's voice sounded like or that she never got to know her mother as an adult. It suddenly occured to me that I needed to undertake this project soon before any more time elapsed. While I think I still have lots of time left... time has a way of getting away from us.... it passes quickly. Celine was amazing and wonderfully patient, kind and loving..... her children are so lucky to have her. She took two hours of her time to 'interview' me so I could tell my children some of the things I wanted them to know and how special they are to me... and my Max. It was a deeply emotional experience and I am grateful that Celine came in on her weekend off to help me. She is editing and incorporating pictures we gave her on a thumb drive.</div><div><br></div><div>Monday 29th September</div><div> - today will start day 6 of 10 of radiation treatments and I have just realized that the cough I have been developing is not so much radiation related as it is my first cold in over a year. Despite my best efforts to remain sick-free, alas, it is the school season and its hard to disinfect after helping my students on their computers. It happens every year and this year will be no exception. </div><div><br></div><div>I can tell the radiation is working because the hump that had formed a few inches below the clavical has reduced in size and is less sensitive to the touch. It is still radiation and with that comes its own set of risks for more cancers in the future. With all the vitamins and chlorophyll I take daily..... we are hoping to reduce the total impact to the body by assisting with the healing process.</div><div><br></div><div>REIKI is going well. It allows me to connect with myself on a spiritual level. On Thursday, Janet was working on me when I felt a few interuptions in the flow of energy..... she would tell me later that I had a'visit' from my cousin who had passed... I couldn't think of any cousin except the one in the hospital in Germany who is dying of cancer.... could it be him?? Either way, it was a comforting message. He basically told her that he was looking out for me. There are a lot of skeptics out there but I really believe he did come to see me.</div><div><br></div><div>School is super busy but really enjoyable in between all the appointmenta and running around to get things done. So busy that I decided the family needed a much deserved vacation.... so we have booked it for the week after Max and I finish teaching this semester. The kids are excited and so is Max. William will be coming with us and is looking forward to chilling with his brother.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-85948309089735147982014-09-08T06:37:00.001-07:002014-09-10T01:19:33.932-07:00.... where there is fear......... there are lots of tears and dark nights. <div><br></div><div>Friday was a long day... it started early early morning and the last class ended at 9pm. I am the new coordinator for the weekend program. My first weekend class runs from 7-9 pm... the pain in my neck was worsening through the entire day but by early evening my head was starting to feel woozy. By the time I headed out to the parking lot in the torrential rainfall the nausea was hitting in waves. I sat back in the drivers seat taking a deep breath. Pulling out of the driveway I am praying I can make it home in time. The pounding rain and humidity are making my head spin and I look to pulling over when the nausea becomes overwhelming and I put up my hand just as I throw up. In true Marita fashion... I roll down the window and fling the partially digested apple onto the empty rain soaked road and continue to drive. My lap is soaked with another wave of nausea. I am just minutes from home.</div><div><br></div><div>I pull into the driveway and stagger up the steps and through the front door. Lydia greets me at the door and realizes something is wrong. She rushes up the steps to run me the requested bath. Max is at the neighbors and makes his way home when Lydia calls him home. I am in the bathtub trying to relieve the increasing pressure on the neck. No amount of shifting can make me comfortable or relieve the pressure. Stepping out of the tub, the head spins again after the pain increases in the neck and I empty the rest of my stomach contents into the sink. I am tired and just want to head to bed. I will have another class early in the morning.</div><div><br></div><div>It is now Monday morning after a restless sleep. I tried taking a new painkiller and it is not working. I have a number of suspicious symptoms:</div><div>1. Not hungry</div><div>2. Do not know if I am full after eating</div><div>3. Continuous pain in the neck and upper left back</div><div>4. Pressure in the neck</div><div>5. Dull pain in the breastbone... when it used to be sharp</div><div><br></div><div>Tuesday morning brings the expected fatigue of yet another restless night of uncomfortable rest... I am visiting with a pain specialist mid morning and I am hopeful that there is something he can do to help me with the chronic pain which always worsens through the night. I arrive at the clinic and have difficulty sitting in the waiting room chairs so I stand and sway ever so gently back and forth while gripping my left arm into a position making it slightly more comfortable. I am called in to the room and without warning the tears start to flow. I catch a sob mid throat. I am assured that it is OK. I am fighting the urge to completely break down and I look into his face and quietly apologize while wiping the tears that seem endless as they fall off my chin and onto my shirt. He writes a script and explains the process necessary to procure the pain aid. His asssistant comes into the room and explains in further detail the process and to make an appointment in a few months to see how effective the medication is. The tears start again... more with relief that I am working at making the pain as manageable as possible so I can live a quality life. That was a promise I made myself this year.</div><div><br></div><div>In the mid afternoon, I have another appointment but this time with a Reiki healer. Her office is inside my chiropractor's new healing center. I have never tried Reiki and I am curious about this new experience. The outer office is quiet and the lights are low as I make my way over to Janet and shake her hand. We begin by me lying on my back and her hands on my forehead. Her hands are cool to the touch. I do not know what to expect and at first I feel nothing but the coolness of her hands and can hear her deep intake of breath. She moves one hand to the base of my neck and then the spot begins to heat up. The nerves branching out from the neck and shoulders begins to awaken in a low warm buzz and I can visualize in my mind the sensations. The vision it creates is like that of a large tree with branches reaching the tips of both shoulders and down across the front and back. It reminds me of the trees on the African plains with the broad expanse and tiny branches budding out everywhere along the hardier ones. She makes her way down to the chest and she places one hand parallel to the clavical just below it and the other one just above the bottom of the sternum. The heat radiates between the hands and into the middle of the sternum itself as if the heat is seeking out the tumour.</div><div><br></div><div>My mind opens and follows the path the energy takes through the body as she works her way around and I envision the energy as white light bursting into the darkest corners and burning the cancer cells. With each buzzy feeling coursing throught the nerves I find myself relaxing and allowing the flow to find where it needs to go. The stress melts with the heat. Half way through I have to take a quick washroom break and eagerly head back. Only this time I am to lay on my stomach. My sternum doesn't feel comfortable and I shuffle around trying to find that sweet spot where it doesn't hurt. She begins again at the top of my head and again I only feel the cool tips of her fingers. I am trying to find myself back where we were before the break. Ah, there it is. She spends another 30 minutes going along strategic points in my back. The pain is diminishing from the pain the lower back was in earlier in the day. I book a number of appointments with Janet over the next few weeks and then head off home.</div><div><br></div><div>Lydia walks in the door and announces that her throat felt a little constricted a while after taking the third dose of her antibiotics. Sunday I had to take her in with a painful bladder and yes, she has a bladder infection. This was the second antiboiotic prescribed beccause the first one was unavailable. I decide to take her back to the walk in clinic to get her looked at again. Yes, the infection is still there and those antibiotics were not working, just working at making her sick. We get another script and head back to Shoppers for what is now the third time this week. Fingers crossed that this one works.</div><div><br></div><div>Wednesday morning - 1 am. I am writhing in pain and am having difficulty getting up and taking a breath. Every breath brings more pain and the left shoulder is agonizing. I force myself downstairs to get an Alieve to try and dull the pain but by the time I get back upstairs to attempt to lay down the grunts of pain and instant tears start... I am panting and grunting and a total mess by the time Max finds me in the spare room. I struggle to look into his face but the effort rewards me with a sharp pain above the left shoulder blade and a stiffled scream. He is trying to help but even the pressure of his hand on the top of my shoulder is causing another jolt of agony into the neck, shoulder and back. So you would think that I would just be swearing and pissed off with the world but no.... out comes the comedic routine... so in keeping when I am in the worst of pain... and likely a form of denial... Max joins in with quippy one liners... sheesh... I get no sympathy!! LOL He tries packing me with pillows to relieve the shoulder pain. I look at him and decide that nothing will work but tell him that its fine and for him to go to bed. I head downstairs to grab a nerve pill to see if that will take the edge off... it will be over an hour before any comfort comes. It is now 4 in the morning and I will try to get a few hours in before I have to get up for work.....</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-4293251579485347012014-08-25T02:37:00.001-07:002014-08-29T14:48:07.859-07:00.... off to the cottage......... with the pain in my sternum now creeping into my left breast. Lifting my arm elicits pain that deepens into the underpit and swellls the tissue just beneath the skin. The ache is somewhat akin to a tooth ache and sleeping becomes impossible. After tossing and turning for the better part of an hour, I drag myself out of bed and make a cup of tea. <div><br></div><div>The crickets are chirping in the dark signalling the end of August near the lake. Lake Huron is a mere hundred meters away from the cottage a dear friend has gifted us with as a family holiday. We are in the Bruce Penninsula, a gem in the province of Ontario and a few hours drive from where we live. It is only 5 am and the sun will be up in a few hours. For now, I will sit in the dark livingroom on a comfy couch and blog.</div><div><br></div><div>Over the past few days before heading out, we began the garden clean out signalling the end of the summer growing season. There are still vegetables such as carrots, brussel sprouts, broccoli, pumpkins and a miniature water melon growing. The tomato plants have a blight that has damaged a portion of the crop and it was fortunate that I picked most of the tomatoes before that began. The rains and lack of heat this summer have created a challenging growing season for many gardeners this year. It was such a cool summer that the potato plants produced berries... which look like tomatoes and contain true seeds. Most years a potato plant will only produce tubers... which of course we eat. Max was deeply disappointed considering all the work we put in to making the boxes. We made quite a bit of relish and salsa this year and we were able to freeze some beans for the winter. Next year, we will have a different layout in the garden and will try other veggies. As much as I liked the Cosmos in the front garden, they too will not be replanted due to the fact that they cast a shadow deep into the garden. </div><div><br></div><div>While the garden did not pay for itself this year... the boost to my personal health and emotional well being was priceless. There is nothing better than feeling a sense of accomplishment and looking forward each day to seeing what is new in the garden. It was a great experiment and I am deeply grateful for each new neighbor I met this summer while puttering in my front garden. </div><div><br></div><div>There were a number of special moments spent with my family. Miss Lydia is becoming a young woman and I must say that our relationship as mother and daughter is amazing. When I look at her... I see a lovely, intelligent and amazing human being to whom I am forever grateful for being given the priviledge of raising. I did not have much of a relationship with my self=absorbed mother.... she could only reserve enough of herself to share with her eldest of three daughters. i often thought she didn't care much for me with her often times short temper and lack of patience. When I watch my daughter, I wonder if I would have been like her given the environment she grew up in? I see a lot of me in her and am aware of how sensitive she is.... how sensitive I am. I visited my mother just before heading out for vacation and she spent our time complaining about her friend Fred.....she continues to believe the world revolves around her. I looked at her across the table and wondered how lonely her life must be when all she can do is complain about someone who is always trying to please her? It might explain why he chose to sit at the other end of the table with his guests. Her petty jealousy will eventually cost her a friendship with a truly wonderful man. I simply looked at her and let her know that he could speak to whomever he wanted to. Sad.</div><div><br></div><div>Thursday 28th August</div><div>Today is filled with meetings at the college. Its that time again and I am really excited to begin the school year!! This year will see me working through the week and now on the weekend as the new coordinator for our program. I have begun the process of organizing the course and working collaboratively with the other faculty members to produce a good flow between courses. Students often think that each course is a stand-alone with no connection to their other subjects... so we are using our communications course to thread them all together and give some continuity to learning outcomes. </div><div><br></div><div>I am in pain and gratefully taking the Tramacet prescription sent by my doctor to the pharmacy while I was on vacation. I am to take it every 4 hours but unfortunately when I rose in agony this Friday morning at 4 am, I realized that I had not taken one before falling asleep. Its a good thing I have Chiro today. Tuesday I will get my results from the CT scan and I am hoping all is well..... fingers crossed. I have noticed that the stomach issues I was dealing with have stopped as of this past Sunday. The prescription Tramacet is used for nerve pain and since it works we know that the pain is primarily nerve. There are 'hot spots' along the left chest and underpit which hurt when touched. This morning I am struggling with just moving my neck - typical symptom of sleeping in an awkward position to avoid the pain. Chronic pain is difficult to deal with some days. I try to move as much as possible to keep the lymphatic fluids moving but this morning.... not so much. Each movement from the time I got out of bed to now is painful. My kitty is trying desperately to get into my lap but a quick no and he moves off in search of another comfy spot - it is only 5:30 am. I would love to go back to bed but I do not want to wake up Max...I will lay down on the couch and close my eyes for a while.</div><div><br></div><div>Thank goodness for Dr. Laura Gravelle who has helped me immeasurably today with the pain. I can now move my neck and i am comfortable too now that the medicine has kicked in. Her offices are now at 350 Oxford St. West.</div><div><br></div><div>REFLECTION</div><div>Personal health care has to involve mental/emotional, physical and spiritual. The oncologists just address the physicality of the cancer. I am a strong woman physically and emotionally - I am pragmatic and have faced every part of my illness head on. I do my research and am diligent about pursuing what I need while learning to advocate for myself every step of the way. With the recent call from the hospital fund raising venture to expand the chemotherapy suite.... I am now convinced that cancer is on the rise and with the loss of two friends while on chemo.... I am sure we have not come any further in our approach to cancer treatments. We are not addressing the causes of cancer and the constant fund raising into the billions has not brought us any closer to finding a cure... only a bandaid approach to this insidious illness.</div><div><br></div><div>Proper health has to start with proper eating. Everything we put into our body has to be used to heal and assist in proper physical maintenance. Our bodies are incredible and with the necessary ingredients, it can heal itself. Reducing stress every day and maintaining a positive attitude is key in starting the healing process. Find hobbies and passions to create an excitement for living and a distraction from concentrating our thoughts on our illness. Make future plans and strive to find goals that bring you personal satisfaction. Read labels - better yet.... don't buy anything that has a label containing a long list of ingredients that look like a chemistry set. My rye bread has three ingredients, none of which are preservatives. Your skin is your largest organ. Keep it clean and healthy but being aware of what you are putting on it. Protect your skin from damage and infections. Make decisions that make sense.</div><div> </div><div>In the news this week:</div><div>ALS bucket challenge has hit most of my friends and I am grateful I have as yet, not been challenged...cold water would put me into painful spasms and I cannot afford to donate at this point. I understand that a majority of the money raised is going to administration fees and wages. It is getting harder to find charities that are not fundraising for incomes, marketing and administration.</div><div><br></div><div>Tim Hortons merger with Burger King - I sold my stock off at an inflated price and made a good return. I have re-invested my earnings. Today the stock is dropping.....which makes me feel way better about selling a stock. Timing is everything.</div><div><br></div><div>My blog on Metastatic cancer - I was asked to post a link about the benefit of MRI's on a post I wrote 10 months ago. I do not subscribe to mammograms or the hype about how many lives they are saving. It is an x-ray and may actually do more harm than good. I was told to have them as part of my radiation trial in 2010. Within weeks I had more mammograms than the average 65 year old. When the radiation treatment failed... I was able to decline all future mammograms. I chose instead to use MRI or ultrasound. </div><div><br></div><div>Today we say goodbye to another of our World Vision Children because the community in which Isaiah lives in Nadowli, Chad, Africa is considered self sufficient. We have been given another opportunity to support a new child named Demba from Mauritania. We have a choice to either consider another child or to not support this one. We have chosen to keep this one and still maintain our other child Diana in South Central America. It is heartening when we see a community be able to stand on their own!!!</div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-90041737762914994672014-08-14T16:16:00.001-07:002014-08-17T13:26:36.168-07:00....... pain....<div>Pain is our body's way of telling us that there is something wrong. The pain is eminating from the breastbone and into both sides of my chest but most notably in the right side. The pain is apparent when I cough, sneeze, or attempt to get up - pushing up off the bed or rolling over. I can find a number of sensitive spots when I press down with my fingers. Despite all of this, I get up and putter around....the movement is essential I think to reducing the pain even though it is painful to move.....</div><div><br></div><div>Miss Thelma, our beagle cross, had to go to the vet's office. Her tail is tucked tightly between her legs and trying to manipulate it upwards and causing her to cry out in pain. Our regular vet has just recently retired and has left her practice to a lovely Vet named Bonnie. Max has to accompany Thelma and myself to the Vet's office because lifting her would cause too much pain. As it is, she cannot get into or out of the car without falling. She is not a patient dog and she pulls us around the waiting room as she goes from one bag of food to another sniffing it out while the resident kitty Bosco peers over the bench we have seated ourselves at. </div><div><br></div><div>Bonnie is so soft spoken and very gentle with Thelma... she feels every inch of her and notes a number of lumps. She finds a painful spot on Thelma's spine and continues to her tail where she gets a yelp from the slightest pull upward. Her gentle face looks into mine when she lifts up Thelma to return her to the floor from the examining table. She has a look of concern as she sits on the floor next to Thelma. She plants a kiss on the top of Thelma's head and begins to talk to us about what our thoughts are on the care of Thelma... she gets up and excuses herself for a minute and returns with a box of kleenex. Apparently my eyes had sprung a leak. What is the difference in how we look at end-of-life care for our pets and for ourselves. I am torn looking at our dog, our beautiful loving Thelma and realizing that her cancerous tumours will take her life soon and mine.... well, who knows. We have to consider Thelma's quality of life.... and what does that mean?? It means that when she is in agony and can no longer move properly... we will have to consider the alternative. For now, the steroids she is on is making her comfortable and she is beginning to eat again. She is also peeing all over the floor because that is a side effect of the medication. Let's hope she stays comfortable.</div><div><br></div><div>I am looking forward to beginning a new school year now that the summer has been disappointingly cool. It's great though for working in the garden and I am preserving produce as it ripens on the vine. So far I have made relish, pickled beets and Salsa. Its amazing how good fresh veggies are just out of the garden!!! The pumpkins are ripening fast and turning orange. I wonder if they are turning early because of the cold nights?? The tomatoes are finishing their ripening on the counter and then once ripe... end up in the freezer until I have enough tomatoes to cook. It makes it easier to remove the skins too... just run them under hot water and the skin splits and peels. Easy peasy.</div><div><br></div><div>REFLECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA</div><div><br></div><div>I have a love/hate relationship with FB. I love the fact that you can communicate at a moment's notice to someone half a world away, look at their pics and know something about them that you might not otherwise have discovered. I dislike the fact that people will use FB to air out their daily dramas, post endless selfies and post comments that they now feel obligated to defend using whatever tactics to win the argument. Here's how one such incident played out...</div><div><br></div><div>A 'friend' posts a comment which became hotly debated. My comment was then rewarded with a return volley that amounted to using my cancer journey on chemo as being a direct support of scientists using animals for testing. What animal testing and the original post of declawing her cat had anything to do with my cancer journey felt like a slap in the face. I was angry that such an insensitive and mean volley was followed by a typical disclaimer of 'well you are a strong and opinionated woman so I thought you wouldn't mind'. The apology she issued privately through text ended with a 'but' and then turned it around back on to me. </div><div><br></div><div>Is this a phenomenon of social media or is this just seeing what a person is made of? After a back and forth and an offer to get together over lunch (my treat) .... she wanted me to know that she wasn't sure? Its a great lesson to be learned to weigh out what you think and what should be written in response. Perhaps the down side of social media is an upside to finding out how people really think and feel. To be fair... after a lengthy back and forth, I let her know that I am writing a paper on my experiences with social networking... of course her name and identity will be anonymous. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Her response after my coming clean and letting her know about my experiment has us hopefully meeting for lunch to discuss what happened and how we could both learn from the experience. </span></div><div><br></div><div>We are all responsible for what we put out there on the internet and should take ownership... of the 15 comments I put out on my social media friend's 'hot topics', clearly this was the only one who used a highly defensive mechanism to counter her point of view by stating how I couldn't stand for her to be right. It had nothing to do with being right or wrong but more about crossing the line, using personal information to win a side of the argument in front of so many people that clearly was not related to the topic of discussion. </div><div><br></div><div>It has been a few months of experimenting with social media on both FB and Disqus and I have learned so much about communicating socially online with others. This latest experiment on FB was an eye opener.... I intentionally posted to stir the pot to see what reactions I would get... I got more than what I bargained for and a few real surprises along the way.<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> I am writing a paper on my experiences with social media and what amounts to a uniquely different way of communicating through the written word. Knowing who you are communicating with is obviously really important and knowing to what extent a person will go to win an argument is equally as important. Should I have unfriended her? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The simple answer would be Yes, and I did, but without speaking face to face, which ultimately is the true test of communicating, it would have to be a 'not sure' right now. Using my personal information against me publicly crosses boundaries of that friendship line. We make many assumptions in our ability to communicate with others and it is always based on our own thoughts and feelings. Looking forward to lunch and get the eye to eye communication of course depending on how she reads this post?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">For the other 14 posts... many turned into wonderful opportunities to learn and grow from the interaction. Some I apologized openly and genuinely to online as a show of respect for those I was 'battling' wits with and letting them know that I was learning the ropes on what trolls were and what online commentaries are really about. There were return apologies and an offering of words of support and kindness from three of the combatants. These have proved to be invaluable in how one conducts themselves online. Once out there on the internet, it is virtually impossible to remove. It is quintessentially a way to understand how you are perceived by the written word by others who do not know you and who care less what feelings get in the way of their retort once they feel offended. Choose your words carefully, less you are misunderstood.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There was one post on FB where the topic was 'catcalling' and those late teen/early twenty somethings were brutal in their comments and had no qualms about openly attacking one of the young women who was posting comments. Eventually it sank as low as to post naked photos and comments I dare not post here.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The first posting I did in this online experiment was with regards to an attack in China by a group of radical muslims.....the forum was hosted by a known American racist woman, Pamela Geller (not allowed in Canada because of her hate mongering). The comments were appalling, vicious attacks on anyone who had anything positive to say about Muslim people. It was my first venture in learning how to not respond and to just be an observer. I was interested in seeing which comments earned the most negative responses and how they were written. Some pro-comments were upvoted primarily because they reflected the majority opinion. Those that were pro-muslim drew the most dispicable behavior of "hey everyone look what I found out about this person..." a true example of online bullying eliciting help from other online bullies with #norealname. The whole experience rattled me to the core... was this really what people thought or was this a mob mentality playing out in the virtual world. It was the first time I truly felt afraid of our world in general and wondered how in a civilized world, people could be so barbaric??</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">In all, my paper will eschew the experiences both good and bad in my online foray as a grown adult who has not grown up with online social networking. I am grateful that my self-esteem is healthy and that this experiment has made me wiser and more prudent about what I post and what I comment on. Life is easier in the garden enjoying the bright sunshine and laughter of my children when I am not in pain. Cheers!!!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-49196165605263491282014-08-05T08:06:00.001-07:002014-08-05T09:43:46.995-07:00August Long weekend visit....<div>The long weekend is here and my sister arrives in the late afternoon after a long drive from Ottawa. Her smile lights up the front hallway as the kids come down the stairs to greet their Aunt Patricia and Uncle Al. It's been a year and so much has happened since their last visit. Patricia spoils us with lovely gifts and grins widely when Lydia wraps her arms around her Aunt and thanks her. Mitch pulls on the red Roots sweatshirt and gives her a hug. He has grown and slimmed down since she last saw him and comments about how adorable he looks. Lydia comes in for a second hug and smiles up at her wonderful Aunt. How lucky are we that she and Alan have made the journey again. My gift is a Coach purse... my first ever!! I have only hugs and love to give back. </div><div><br></div><div>They have brought steak with them for supper so Alan and Mitchel head into the kitchen to begin the preparation while us gals head to the back deck to catch up with a beer in hand. I love listening to her stories and of the places they have visited... later in the weekend, they will show us a slide show of the highlights of their 9 week trip to Australia and New Zealand. I wish we had done more travelling when I had the full-time income. I am deeply proud of them for pursuing what is important to them in life and living their lives to the fullest. They are a phenomenal couple!!! </div><div><br></div><div>Patricia pulls together an amazing salad and Mitchel has cooked unbelievable steaks and baked potatoes with guidance from Alan. Wow, what an amazing meal. We continue chatting into the evening over beers until they head off to their hotel. </div><div><br></div><div>Saturday has us heading out to Port Stanley for a visit to their famous beach and then later to eat at GT's on the beach. Mitchel has decided to stay home - he is feeling under the weather. The day is overcast and by the looks of the weather warning on the Weather Network, it will soon turn ugly as the afternoon progresses. We take advantage of the early afternoon to walk through the town after picnicking on the beach. We take in the sights and the quaint shops as we stroll along. The men decide to sit it out when we head into the 'girlie' shops and re-join us when a store piques their interest. My sister chats amicably with the store owners and one in particular about a specific type of Italian glass. Her travels have taken her around the world and she has experienced and learned so much....I quietly take in the conversation from a distance when I realize the artwork I am standing in front of is from a man I used to work with at the TV station years ago. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-J27zn6oDM3A/U-EDclyv7QI/AAAAAAAADYc/_be3qO3xlwY/s640/blogger-image-93096502.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-J27zn6oDM3A/U-EDclyv7QI/AAAAAAAADYc/_be3qO3xlwY/s640/blogger-image-93096502.jpg"></a></div>My Beautiful sister Patricia</div><div><br></div><div>I could tell you about the man behind the artwork but not the form of art he does. This is the second artist I knew from the two galleries we have just visited. From near or far from where you live, there is always something to learn and experience. It was fun playing tourist in a small town we have visited many times.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vT0QeFcB0V8/U-EDZTmNGiI/AAAAAAAADYE/VGldAJZOukY/s640/blogger-image--873221849.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vT0QeFcB0V8/U-EDZTmNGiI/AAAAAAAADYE/VGldAJZOukY/s640/blogger-image--873221849.jpg"></a></div>Welcome to Port Stanley</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-hSWc_xoOPBI/U-EDae4BpQI/AAAAAAAADYM/ZrjD4VJN37s/s640/blogger-image--119549958.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-hSWc_xoOPBI/U-EDae4BpQI/AAAAAAAADYM/ZrjD4VJN37s/s640/blogger-image--119549958.jpg"></a></div>GT's On The Beach</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Dinner was amazing here as we sat beneath the metal roof of GT's. It wasn't long before the sky opened up and the rains poured down while we ate lake perch caught right here in Lake Eerie. It is a large fresh water lake that forms one of the Great Lakes separating Ontario from the United States. This lovely town of 38,000 swells to more than twice that in the summer with cottagers arriving from all over. The local fisheries sell their fish in the market just off the harbour. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yAqqa_NGlUg/U-EDbgf1koI/AAAAAAAADYU/50vcpxNgf3c/s640/blogger-image-1752742560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yAqqa_NGlUg/U-EDbgf1koI/AAAAAAAADYU/50vcpxNgf3c/s640/blogger-image-1752742560.jpg"></a></div>Harbour Fish Market</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-KRKusxmopbQ/U-EDeNC6QII/AAAAAAAADYk/v7cEqt1rbfA/s640/blogger-image--1118311367.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-KRKusxmopbQ/U-EDeNC6QII/AAAAAAAADYk/v7cEqt1rbfA/s640/blogger-image--1118311367.jpg"></a></div>One of the fishing boats moored behind the fish market in the harbour. Two seagulls rest atop the hardware on the deck.</div><div><br></div><div>Sunday </div><div>This is our last day together and we have decided to visit with my Dad at the longterm care facility. They tell us he is in a grumpy mood as we make our way to his room. This is Patricia's first visit with him in years and she is not sure what to expect when we arrive. He is laying down on his bed just staring around when I approach and get close enough to get his attention - he is blind in one eye and has minimal sight in the other. He hears my voice and looks up into my face and smiles. "Hello Dad", I smile back into his now broadly grinning face. "I have a visitor here who has come to see you. Would you like to see Patricia?" He looks confused at first and then his face brightens as she moves in for a hello. We help him to sit up and note that his PJ's are wet from sweat. No worries, the PSW has come in to take Dad to the bath. Since the bath is not ready, we are walking him around the floor trying to keep him occupied until its ready - about 15 minutes later!!!</div><div><br></div><div>We will head downstairs to the outside garden to have our coffee with him. She is happy that he has some lucid moments in our visit together. She takes him around the small garden and points out flowers and things of interest including the myriad of little feathered visitors. We have our coffee at a little cafe table in the now deserted garden. Then the hijinks and hilarity started.... here is Dad being silly!! Oh, and my new look.... from Artic Blonde to redhead. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-GzMpjt284zw/U-EJwNhb8aI/AAAAAAAADY8/bK0GKuYoSm4/s640/blogger-image-494406044.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-GzMpjt284zw/U-EJwNhb8aI/AAAAAAAADY8/bK0GKuYoSm4/s640/blogger-image-494406044.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Monday August 3rd </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-qLL-ikYua_4/U-EJuLSvUUI/AAAAAAAADY0/FvlzpnYvZC0/s640/blogger-image-492871932.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-qLL-ikYua_4/U-EJuLSvUUI/AAAAAAAADY0/FvlzpnYvZC0/s640/blogger-image-492871932.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>Tuesday August 4th....</div><div><br></div>...... gets me out of bed soon after falling asleep. My stomach is rolling and the burning sensation lets me know that the liver or gall bladder is once again dumping its contents. I head to the spare bedroom to lie down but find myself groaning as I push myself back up off the bed and head to the bathroom. There is some relief but the bowel doesn't feel empty and hasn't for a few days. I want to cry but I know that it will only serve to make matters worse so I head downstairs to take a tablespoon of Apple Cider Raw/unpasturized/organic Cider vinegar. The pain will slowly ebb and flow. Max has made his way downstairs... I can hear him behind me but I tell him to not touch me....I have my head on the counter and I am jogging my feet up and down to help slosh the vinegar around the belly. I ask him to go to bed as I make my way to the dining room to continue my jog on the spot as I lean in to the table. I can hear him head up the stairs. I hope he gets some sleep. It takes another 15 minutes before I make my way back up the stairs and slump into the spare room bed. I turn over and note that the pain in my sternum has radiated into the ribs. Great. Just one more thing to be concerned about. At least it doesn't hurt when I breathe..... at least not yet anyway. This morning is dark and stormy - perfect background for how I am feeling. <div><br></div><div>I find out that I have an ultrasound appointment for the one day that I am volunteering at the College so now I am attempting to get that changed if I can to another day. The frustration of being in pain and a constant stream of appointments and medical pokes is driving me nuts. The CT scan only showed the abdomen and not the chest.... so here we go again with another scan which hopefully does not happen on my holidays... but knowing my luck.... it will. Sigh. This morning, the frustration showed in the tears escaping down my cheeks as I kept busy trying to not focus on how I am feeling these days.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-57436614343820983132014-07-23T13:16:00.001-07:002014-07-26T10:35:55.237-07:00..... wonderful visits and a CT scan......My family is away at the cottage and I am staying at home. The phone began to ring on Monday from friends wondering how my week was unfolding. My first visitor of the week arrives for lunch. I was fortunate to be helping and eventually teaching for Karin at the local high school. She wanders through my urban garden and is wowed by my garden and often asks how I manage to find the time and how she wishes she did. I tell her that I make the time to do things that bring me happiness and things that fill my soul. We part with a hug and a promise to see each other soon.<div><br></div><div>Later in the afternoon, Mauricia arrives. She has been a friend since September 2009 from my early days at Wellspring (cancer support). She is a two time survivor and at 71, she is super young at heart. We sit on the back deck chairs and share a bottle of red wine. We talk about what's important and laugh at the craziness of our lives. We have a wonderful time and I look forward to seeing her soon. I love you. I will be participating in the walk for Wellspring in September.<div><br></div><div>Tuesday brings Brayden, Lisa and Kelly to my backyard in the high heat of mid-July. I went to school with Brayden and Lisa a few years ago at Western University and Kelly graduated from the same course a decade before. Kelly wasn't sure she should join us as she had texted me earlier in the day to ask if she could pop by since she would be in the neighborhood. She fit right in and we all spent a wonderful afternoon talking about what we all have in common - teaching!!! Lisa is heading back to Sweden to teach for one more year in early August and the rest of us will return in September to our respective schools. </div><div><br></div><div>Wednesday brings Elaine to my front door to accompany me to my CT scan at Victoria Hospital. It is </div><div>7am and I am glad I set my alarm to get me up... I am usually up early but Laidee was freaking out with each roll of thunder over night. She was jumping in and out of the bathtub and in my shower.... I was too tired to get out of bed other than to go to the washroom. I am sore in my left thigh and left hip... likely caused from trying to balance my way around the garden but I am not sure and I am already feeling anxious about the CT scan. We arrive early and find a parking spot easily. With a quick trip to the Tim Horton's on the main floor, we then continue on to the CT/MRI unit. </div><div><br></div><div>I know the routine after so many scans..... first the contrast liquid - 1.5 litres of orange flavoured 'juice' sipped over an hour and then off to the change room to put on hospital clothes. I always cringe at the prospect of yet another I.V needle shoved into an already impossible vein. I let the tech know when I get comfortable in the chair that the main vein in my elbow is not a viable choice. She prods and decides that it is soft enough to give it a go. I knew what would happen but often, its just easier to allow the tech to find out for themselves..... she struggles, tries to push the tube in with saline and then finally calls it... she has to remove it and try another vein but not without apologizing profusely. She finds another vein, selects the smallest gauge needle she can use and has success but not without blood beginning to run out of the tube and on to the hospital gown. "This never happens".... she is perplexed and I just calmly tell her its OK..... after letting her know that I was in my happy place at the beach. She continues to apologize as she wipes up the blood .... so I do what I know will help out the situation - I give her a hug. She thanks me for making her feel better and then leads me to the scan. I note that the waiting room is getting busy at 9 am due to a trauma being brought in to the other suite. The preliminary scan is done and then the i.V is hooked up and the contrast courses through my veins giving a very warm sensation and a need to pee. "Hold your breath" drones an electronic male voice as the table I am laying on pulls me into the 'donut' that contains the scanner and then moves slowly back to its start position as I continue to hold my breath. You have to hold your breath to keep the liver from moving as the scanner scans it. A few scans later and another tech comes in to help me while the first one prepares for the next patient... She tells me to have a good day as I move out of the automatic doors. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The man in the wheelchair from the waiting room rolls into the suite - he is missing half of his left leg and a number of the ends of his fingers at the first joint. His right leg is wrapped except for the toes sticking out that look grotesque... It is likely this is someone who has diabetes. It reminds me of how fortunate I am despite the cancer.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Elaine and I head out of the hospital and I take her out to Angel's for breakfast. We both enjoyed our meal and were fortunate to speak to the owner about my illness... I have known her since I used to go there for breakfast with the survivor group I paddled with in 2010.... we discussed, of all things, symbols of our passed loved ones. Butterflies, dimes, pennies found and more.... and also our thoughts on our lives and its meanings... I will leave this private as it reflects thoughts from others whom I do not have permission to share. We hug and as she moves off, she calls over her shoulder... see me next time you are in for breakfast. I will head there after my appointment next week with the oncologist. It will be a time for Max and I to talk about what our next steps are depending on what we are told. Elaine and I head back to the house and we meander through my garden. She will take a carrot home with her and as she puts it in the car, she finds a penny on the ground.... another symbol. Hugs and love... thank you for being here for me today. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">By noon, I am feeling very tired and head upstairs for a nap which lasts 3 hours. Today my bowel is bothering me and I am bloating. I am not able to go anywhere and choose to just blog and snack on the couch. The dark chocolate I am sucking on finally settles the stomach. The fatigue of not having a good sleep because of the dog.... the worry of the CT and a late afternoon nap all added up to a quiet evening.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">My lovely daughter starts texting me through FB this evening.... oh how I miss her. She will be back soon and I hope she is enjoying her time away. We have a few more days apart which we will both make the most of. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Thursday brings a road trip with my crazy gal pal Kirsten, whom I absolutely adore!!! I am not feeling well as we start out the trip.... my gut has been upset now for days and I am just trying to stay the course. Miss Regan, her daughter joins us on our trip as we head towards Sarnia. We chat about the funny quirks and sayings I say.... just sayin'..... and note that for the second trip in as many weeks along the 402 that the wind turbines are not moving... OK 1 in about 40 are turning. It's a beautiful summer day with a breeze as we get closer to the ferry and the trip across the river to the cottage. Pat is grinning from ear to ear as we approach the dock. A few minutes later we jump up to the dock and help the elderly couple on the boat with their groceries. Despite the strong breeze along the river, it is a warm day with clouds building in the bright blue sky. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">We arrive at the cottage along a path. It is amongst the trees that cast a cooling shadow from a canopy of ancient trees well above the second story roof. The cottage is reflective of what it looked like in the 50's..... stepping back into a different era. We drop off our bags and head out to walk the the island before lunch. We are a mere 100 yards down our chosen path when I see a profile I easily recognize.... I am not a hollywood fan, I do not care much for the glitz and shallowness of famous people.... but Chris Hadfield is not like anyone out of Hollywood. He is an incredible adventurer as an Astronaut and Pilot and a rare man of multi-talents who is humble and engaging in a soft spoken manner. Last summer, Max was able to water ski with the family but I had to stay back because I was on chemo. Pat, his sister and one of a few of my best friends walks us over to meet him. I introduce myself and play with the pug who has accompanied him. I do not like to intrude but ask him for a photo and he obliges us as he guides us up his boat dock. We pick up the puppies to get our photos taken. Wow. Thank you so much!! Pat tells me that he was not supposed to be at the cottage until later in the week and for some reason, I'll call it a wish... he was there for only a few hours before heading back out. Later we had a fabulous lunch and headed for another walk around the island in the opposite direction. There is something about being at a cottage. Thank you Pat for inviting us. xoxo</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Here is Chris Hadfield and myself on the dock.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5U52YGbHCeE/U9PhAqqJmfI/AAAAAAAADJQ/geo7CKs4Ev8/s640/blogger-image-1106063204.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5U52YGbHCeE/U9PhAqqJmfI/AAAAAAAADJQ/geo7CKs4Ev8/s640/blogger-image-1106063204.jpg"></a></div> </font></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-bN-eTE9JJ-Q/U9Pg_X4xz7I/AAAAAAAADJI/7GfJ0eoIoNA/s640/blogger-image--1991644636.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-bN-eTE9JJ-Q/U9Pg_X4xz7I/AAAAAAAADJI/7GfJ0eoIoNA/s640/blogger-image--1991644636.jpg"></a></div>Me, Kirsten and Pat!! My awesome bestie gal pals. Love you girls!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Friday I head out to help out a friend with her garden.....only I pulled on some vines wrapped in the trees ahead and the pain in my side came as a warning too late.... I would spend the remainder of the day in spasms and pain.... and into the night of sheer agony. It felt like my belly was on fire and the bloating extended the abdomen while the sharper pain radiated into the liver and through the kidney. I couldn't get comfortable and ended up in the kitchen leaning into the counter and jogging my feet in place... much like I did while in labour with my children. Deep belly breathing..... calming down slowly. The tears dried up. More tums and two glasses of warm boiled water and continual visits to the washroom finally helped to relieve the pain enough to sit upright in bed and fall asleep.... at around 3:45am. I call it my night in hell.... alone for the exception of the pets who just watched me move from room to room clutching my side and expanding belly. I am not easily frightened....this was one of those moments where I can honestly say I was terrified...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Saturday has started slowly with puttering to clean up the house. Mitchel has texted to tell me they are on their way home. They should be home by dinner. I am just finishing up the laundry and cleaning up while blogging. I am still really tired but OK. So this was my week by myself. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br></div><div>WELLSPRING - is a free support service for cancer patients and their supporters. Yoga, Art Therapy and many other services to give women and men an opportunity to connect with others and take time out for themselves. </div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-17237823644710945452014-07-13T07:54:00.001-07:002014-07-14T19:07:27.537-07:00.... the online commentary game....This week I noticed an article on Business Week with regards to Monsanto.... you know, the makers of DDT, PCB's and who are now creating GMO seeds....<div><br></div><div>..... so, I learned a lot about online commenting. There are those who are called Trolls or Shills... people whose soul purpose is to create controvery on online forums while sometimes getting paid to do so. They quote articles they have sourced online to back up their points, they often times use sarcasm and 'humour' to rile up anyone who would challenge them.....</div><div><br></div><div>....... so, I riled a few of them.... I wanted to know what exactly they were all about and I had some interesting responses.</div><div><br></div><div>Michael - with enough banter I was able to discern this young man as being a bored high school student who thought it was hysterically funny to throw out casual insults throughout the internet on various topics from vaccinations to Monsanto. When he was flailing in his arguments, I simply cast the net and used his own tactics against him.... he was not amused and when I finally nailed him with re-posts of his from many of the sites he had been on... his only retort was that I had no sense of humour. According to what I could learn of him through my research... his parents immigrated to the States. So this is how he shows respect to the adoptive country he now calls home and to the people whom live in it?? This is the better life his parents wanted for him??</div><div><br></div><div>Rob - This individual is intelligent and I got the feeling that there was something within his posts that were sensitive, almost defensive..... with poking, I learned that he came from a poor farming past and that his distinct belief and trust in advancing GMO technology was what was fueling his posts... he thought I wanted to live in the past where all farming continued in the old ways and back to a very difficult existence.... he couldn't have been more wrong. I am anti-Monsanto, not advancing technologies unless of course they continue to splice animal/insect DNA into our food and then I have an issue with that. He spent more time throwing websites, quotes and opinions at me to support his beliefs.... and in one site, when it appeared he was losing an argument he replied that he was at least getting paid $1 per post by Monsanto. Whether he is or he is not... the internet is not forgiving according to the fellow he complained openly to about me pointing this out..... we ended our debate amicably and respectably. I have learned much from this individual about presenting an argument and debating it.... and also learning to think twice before posting once. </div><div><br></div><div>Hyper____ - this guy is interesting and I get the sense that he is very intelligent, blended with an open mind but firm in his convictions.... he is also sensitive. It took insults and poking to get to the real deal with him - I needed to know where exactly he stood in his beliefs with respect to GMO's and Monsanto without the constant barrage of quotes and condescending remarks. It turns out he lost a sister to cancer recently and this revelation took us in a different direction immediately. I apologized for poking him and gave my deepest condolences.....but I truly needed to understand his strong rebuttles against those of us who were anti-Monsanto. He doesn't support Monsanto but supports GMO in order to simplify farming and create a better environment - that I understand. We were able to communicate a few more times... and this time with respect and kindness towards each other.... perhaps one day we will banter on another forum.</div><div><br></div><div>Elizabeth..... sweet, young and naive.... thinking that big companies were making developments for the soul purpose of advancing and bettering our society. She makes statements that are not well researched and based on her own limited knowledge.... she makes up the majority of people posting on these sites.... She states what her credentials are but they don't necessarily match what is stated on her profile.... it's a defense mechanism used to tell me she has more knowledge than she does. When pressed, she calls me nasty.... I tell her to firm up her point of view.... later, she changes her name to protect her identity. It has taught me to carefully research before posting... Elizabeth/Jane has learned that lesson the hard way.</div><div><br></div><div>Chris - a random disrespectful comment "people get cancer and die..... and that is that" I carefully considered his statement after another one he posted where he calls me a few choice names.... I respond after researching his insecure FB account with "Naval Rescue Swimmers drown.... and that is that. This lesson above all I think was the most important one....if you post ignorant name-calling posts, make sure you set your security settings on FB so people cannot just obtain your information and use it..... and really, don't post anything you wouldn't want your military boss to read when you are slamming civilians on an open forum without merit or respect.</div><div><br></div><div>The site Disqus, of which I am now a member of, does not allow you to retract statements published... and, as Rob discovered, things said in a heated retort can have an unexpected backlash. There are many people with opinions that attack and demoralize others and it is really easy to get caught up in the melee. Some are looking for approval in how many 'upvotes' they get with random snipe attacks on the unsuspecting as Michael and Chris does....they just look for reactions to start an argument. There are those that likely get paid to post and often encourage through prodding to continue the conversation until either or both of you look incredibly stupid. There are those, like myself, who will apologize for being inappropriate and continue the debate respectfully, using my own name (means I have to own what I say) and will stand my ground when attacked from behind. </div><div><br></div><div>It is truly an art to communicate on any of these forums... remember.... </div><div><br></div><div>1. State your opinion - back it up if need be with published accreditied reports, keep it simple and to the point.</div><div>2. Generalized statements will always get you into trouble. Only speak of things you know or have experienced first hand. My brother's Uncle's best friend's wife........NO!!</div><div>3. Do not respond to reply posts that are insulting unless you want to battle it out... from an outsider's point of view... you both look moronic if you lower yourself to their level (which is easily done). </div><div>4. Ask for clarification - if you do not understand a response to a post you made or others, feel free to ask for more detail. Be polite and they will in turn be polite back.</div><div>5. Know your opponent - scan other posts, how many posts and how they treat others online. Often if they are really antagonistic, it is best to just post a link without opinion.</div><div>6. Your opinion is <b>Public!!! </b>Once you put your opinion out there... you often can only edit it at best. Make sure you do not respond emotionally and if you do.... read it twice before posting.</div><div>7. You are likely not an expert - so don't give yourself more 'credentials' than what you have. Elizabeth claimed she was a historian...but with a little research, she is a librarian who likes to read history... a buff and a Historian are clearly not one and the same. As she quickly found out...she lost respect and credibility.</div><div>8. The internet does not have all the answers... and yet, link after link is posted and some are heatedly disputed. Make sure you have links to Scholarly papers that have merit and read the entire thing... because your opponents will to disprove the paper you have wasted their time referring them to.</div><div>9. Set your limits - an article with opinion streams lasts only a few days.... like a conversation, it has a beginning, middle and end. State your opinion, back it up and let others add to the conversation.</div><div>10. It's not personal unless you want it to be - it is a conversation with strangers, so if someone says something and someone else adds to it in a derogatory manner, you can choose to respond with the same ammunition or choose to learn how to difuse the situation with maturity.... really hard to do but great practice. You can also choose to re read what you wrote to see if it was misinterpreted or you were being antagonistic. Prodding and pushing buttons can sometimes bring surprising responses as it did in my case and using the situation to take the positives. </div><div>11. Thank your opponent - often we learn from every interaction we involve ourselves in either good or bad.... if the conversation was terse and both opponents were heated, thank them for their enthusiasm and strong beliefs... they will appreciate knowing that it really was argued with good intentions. Two antagonists I battled with online I now follow and ending the conversation with compliments and best wishes really made it enjoyable.</div><div>12. If this puts you in a bad mood.... because they do not see your point of view.... then this is not for you. Move on and find something else to do.</div><div>13. Your sense of humour - may not convey well online and may well get you into hot water. </div><div>14. Clean up your act and act accordingly - Remember what you put out on the internet stays on the internet and becomes public property. Any boss or prospective employee can find out what kind of person you are simply by looking for your comments on public forums. </div><div>15. Do you really know who you are chatting with? - we warn our children all the time about online strangers and yet we go online and make friends, combat on forums and share personal information... which later could come back and haunt you. Keep to the topic... unless you feel it is absolutely necessary. My cancer journey is public and I share some minor details if the disussion warrents it. Most people respond well if they understand you come from a good place...its all in how you express yourself and since you do not know who you are speaking with... be respectful. </div><div><br></div><div>For the uninitiated, it is a great way to learn communication skills and to make your voice heard. With some people, I will just post a link with no comments to avoid any antagonistic and personal responses... remind yourself that while your friends and family love your sarcastic sense of humour... tend to one... it doesn't translate well to someone who doesn't know your twisted sense of humour. I enjoyed my first real foray into online discussions... I might have a few bruises but I also have learned so much doing so!! </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-12679032545537682142014-07-10T12:42:00.001-07:002014-07-10T17:25:03.027-07:00.... a wonderful day for a walk....... you just never know what adventures or people will come your way....<div><br></div><div>Lydia and I just wanted to do something together yesterday. Max suggested we head out on our bikes to Springbank Park.... I am not so sure my body can handle a trip down and back so we decide to take the car and park it near the community center off Wonderland Rd. We noticed a couple walking their dog a few meters behind us as we stepped across the bike/pedestrian path and began our walking trip. Along the way I would eat berries growing along the path and wonder at the surging river from the previous days of torrential rainfall. Lydia wanted nothing to do with the berries and kept questioning if I knew what I was doing??? I have to chuckle and at the same time be grateful for all the forced 'marches' as a kid when my parents would point out all kinds of things to us kids. She berated me for stopping and squishing a pair of Japanese Beetles as if I would intentionally embarras her?? </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_Wsz1CiYO18/U77skVpORaI/AAAAAAAAClQ/kR3Xy75v4mI/s640/blogger-image-1898845492.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_Wsz1CiYO18/U77skVpORaI/AAAAAAAAClQ/kR3Xy75v4mI/s640/blogger-image-1898845492.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>A few hundred meters from the beginning of the paved bike/pedestrian path is a bridge that crosses over the river and curves around the parking lot of a Golf Course. The tree that stands beside the pathway is a behemoth of a structure reaching a height of what I can only estimate to be in excess of 60 feet..... the trunk dwarfs the car parked a few meters away. We crane our heads and I snap a picture of the canopy high above us making us feel like ants below it.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-oc6pqlKjtMA/U77sprqMMuI/AAAAAAAAClw/8BkmotGpIxI/s640/blogger-image--1654810409.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-oc6pqlKjtMA/U77sprqMMuI/AAAAAAAAClw/8BkmotGpIxI/s640/blogger-image--1654810409.jpg"></a></div> </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HwRloKfAZO4/U77soYdv7KI/AAAAAAAAClo/KKfycJdTp7g/s640/blogger-image--1154261298.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HwRloKfAZO4/U77soYdv7KI/AAAAAAAAClo/KKfycJdTp7g/s640/blogger-image--1154261298.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-x-JL_-KKxt0/U77sncR0ubI/AAAAAAAAClg/AFWedRxmhho/s640/blogger-image-561631960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-x-JL_-KKxt0/U77sncR0ubI/AAAAAAAAClg/AFWedRxmhho/s640/blogger-image-561631960.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>We cross back over the bridge and Lydia notices that the concrete has rusty markings criss-crossing the surface and I explain to her that it is the iron stucture beneath the bridge that has leeched through... I try to go down the embankment to look under the bridge and manage to slip a few feet. Lydia is concerned that I may have hurt myself and demands that I return to her immediately... the couple that was behind us has stopped and I can hear the concern in the man's voice when he asks if I am OK. "Yes thank you"... He mentioned something about being over 50 and not being able to do what we think we can. I have to smirk and reply that I was thinking the very same thing. We began to talk and walk along the path together. The pain in my sternum and adjoining ribs are warning me to not do that again.</div><div><br></div><div>The couple come here often to walk with each other and to take their dog Walter with them. Lydia is loving their friendly pug-cross and follows him to give him a little pat. The husband mentions that there is an upside-down shopping cart ahead and peaks our curiousity as to why there is a cart surrounded by four construction cones adjacent to the walking path. We all inspect the cage and read the sign that tells us that turtle eggs have been layed here, well off the bank of the swollen river. Wow!!! They even have pictures on their cell phone of a tiny painted turtle cupped in the hand of their daughter from a previous visit. </div><div><br></div><div>Lydia and I continue up ahead, with me still eating the berries along the path and admiring the old willows with burls that look like warts everywhere on the trunks and large branches.... I ponder as to the age of these trees?</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bG9UM_lBwpk/U77sqVoL66I/AAAAAAAACl4/3jLjumT5tVk/s640/blogger-image-452547487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bG9UM_lBwpk/U77sqVoL66I/AAAAAAAACl4/3jLjumT5tVk/s640/blogger-image-452547487.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-m6vRmGYFTW0/U77smetxRcI/AAAAAAAAClY/KZL_GsykwQk/s640/blogger-image--533134643.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-m6vRmGYFTW0/U77smetxRcI/AAAAAAAAClY/KZL_GsykwQk/s640/blogger-image--533134643.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-YdpOQSwjumg/U77sju3btiI/AAAAAAAAClI/ahdOLiu3ukM/s640/blogger-image-807012316.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-YdpOQSwjumg/U77sju3btiI/AAAAAAAAClI/ahdOLiu3ukM/s640/blogger-image-807012316.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>We head along admiring the fast moving murky river and notice a culvert on the right hand side and some really tall plants..... the couple is just feet behind us and asks if it is a Hogweed (a noxious non-indigenous weed that is dangerous to touch its sap - can cause blindness and burns to exposed skin and eyes).... I have never seen one up close .... not sure that I want to...... but a quick seach on the internet on my phone indicates its a real possibility... The London Free Press has a picture of a blooming one in today's paper warning people to not remove the plant themselves lest they get the sap on themselves which can cause serious burns and even blindness.....I will have to visit the park again to take pictures when it blooms.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-22pO3EJtldU/U7785JMkyFI/AAAAAAAACmI/A8HfIkpgV-M/s640/blogger-image--1298438670.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-22pO3EJtldU/U7785JMkyFI/AAAAAAAACmI/A8HfIkpgV-M/s640/blogger-image--1298438670.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Up ahead are more cones and an orange frost fence complete with a sign that indicates the walkway is closed. We can see workers up ahead but decide to stop and chat. Lydia inspects under the cones to see if there are any turtles... no, but she checks again anyway and then plants herself beside Walter giving him some attention. We formally introduce ourselves and the topic turns to the wife's cancer diagnoses and chemo last year.... I had chemo last year too, I tell her... that's when I realized she had a pink ribbon tattoo on her forearm..... Two unrelated women, born months apart, both 50 with similar stories of diagnosis... what are the chances??? I don't believe in chance meetings... this was meant to be. We began to chat, her and I about our journey and where we were at. She admires my daughter for being so accepting of my journey.... her youngest is struggling in her late teens with her mother's diagnosis. We continue to walk together and Lydia hangs with Mark and their dog chatting amicably with him. We both feel very comfortable sharing and chatting as we take a dirt path to the beginning where we first noticed them and their dog. We bid each other well, I shake Mark's hand and give Ingrid a hug. If you should need me anytime, please let me know. Lydia and I will continue alone to get an ice cream cone while they head off in another direction but not before connecting through FaceBook on our iPhones.</div><div><br></div><div>Lydia continues to chat to me as we head towards the river and to the ice-cream stand. It is a rare treat for me, so with a few small scoops in hand, we saunter over to an empty picnic table overlooking the rapidly rushing waters of the muddy Thames River... we sit on the table snuggled in together and just chatting about our recent experience and grateful for the encounter. Lydia is such a gift with her joyful and poignant insight into our lives together....She hugs and kisses me "I really love you mom" she says as she licks at the dripping moosetracks icecream. "and I really love you too Miss Lydia". We sit there watching a stick rush by, carried by an incredible volume of water. </div><div><br></div><div>Its time to head out and we will go and pick up some produce at a local growers stand. I keep thinking that its getting late in the afternoon and that maybe we will just head to the grocery store.... sometimes I should really listen to my inner voice.... after purchasing our veggie needs, we head back towards home on the highway leading up to a main London road when all of a sudden, out of a side street, a car pulls out in front of us. I don't have time to brake so I have to pull out onto the paved shoulder and speed by to make it around him... of course blaring the horn. He speeds up and pulls up to the back of my car and I step on the brake to get him to back off. He chooses to speed through traffic to once again find his way behind me only this time to take a picture of my plate and to flip me a nasty grin. I roll back to block my plate from his vision. The light changes and I try to weave around a few cars to get away from him and see that he has fallen once again in line behind me. He follows me when he turns at the light into a drive lane leading to a parking lot. Well that just did it for me. I stopped the car, pulled the brake (standard car) and walked towards his car that had pulled in behind me. I was hopping mad and telling him to get lost... bad enough you cut me off but now you are following me... I have a child in my car whom you put in danger (thats about the jist of it).... so he pretends to talk to his cell phone like a coward after trying to intimidate us!!!! I stomp back to the car and drive around trying to lose him.... I park and Lydia and I head into the grocery store but a few hundred feet into the store and I get a bad feeling so we head out to see him walking in our direction. I have a picture of his plate parked 20 feet away from our car..... </div><div><br></div><div>We head back home and make a scrumptious dinner of our fresh finds. After dinner we head out to shop at Giant Tiger for some cottage wear for Lydia..... she is an excellent shopper - she knows just what she wants and busies herself finding a swimsuit, shorts and tops.... and a lovely dress. She is just so grown up these days and I am proud of her for knowing what she wants and for the confidence she exudes in her daily life. I catch a glimpse of me in the reflection of a dressing mirror.... egads, do i really look like my mother these days. Somehow, the view of myself never seems to match how I perceive myself??? Lydia will tell me later that the lighting is yellow and not face friendly.... where does she get all this info?? Oh yes, from all the make-up sites she finds on YouTube. </div><div><br></div><div>Ruth finds us rummaging around the clothes racks and we give her a squeeze.... then Kevin calls (next door neighbor and friend) while we are chatting and I have a chance to say hello!!! Ruth escorts us through the aisles as we pick out sales items for our pantry shelves. It has been a long day and we hug her and head out. Lydia reaches up to give me a peck as we navigate the bumpy roadway with the cart to our car. I adore you Lydia and I know you will make a great mommy some day. We hop in the car and she reaches over to kiss my cheek and rub my head... "Thanks Mom" she says with a broad happy grin. I look over and into her eyes... "no, thank you baby". We hold hands when I drive in between shifting gears. Life is good.</div><div><br></div><div>Thank you to Mark and Ingrid for being such a special part of our day....it has been many years since we have been back to Springbank park and it could not have been better timing....as if it was meant to be alll along. We hope to spend some time with you both soon. xo</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-53540855657181986662014-07-07T05:09:00.001-07:002014-07-08T05:05:55.005-07:00......Go on without me............. while I attend my medical CT scan in the middle of the family vacation.......<div><br></div><div>Max's sister and brother in-law are hosting a family get-together at his parent's cottage for the first time in the 16 years I have been with my husband. The cottage is a long drive from here and the itinerary has been emailed to everyone..... for the week of the 21st of July....... I am sure its just an oversight despite the fact we have known about my appointment on July 23rd since mid April. I let my inlaws know that I will not be attending the first event that is a 5-6 hour road trip for our family .... inside I am thinking a possible first and last for me and I won't be able to make it even to the first one. I will choose to stay behind and care for the pets and house while mine and my husband's family gets together..... a cancer life can be painfully lonely even with family..... I wish we had gone with a previous idea of booking one closer to us.... </div><div><br></div><div>The fact that my illness has often times left me out on the sidelines of family life....this just feels a kick to the face......while it may not have been intentional, that thought doesn't take the sting out of feeling dejected. I try to convince myself that I would just be a drag to everyone sitting on the dock or in a chair doing absolutely nothing when I could be at home canning my ripening tomatoes for 8 hours over a hot stove by myself. There have been many moments in this journey where I feel alone and apart from others.....this just makes it real. I try not to entertain the notion that I might not be here for the second annual event...if there is one. I want to cry but I'm afraid I might not stop. I feel like I am being punished for being ill. </div><div><br></div><div>I head back upstairs to lay down while Max readies himself for the day... I have been awake for most of the night listening to the sound of thunder and seeing the flashes light up the curtains. I am tired and feeling out of sorts. He crosses the room and lays next to me and the first tear escapes and rolls down my face.... I tell him that I have sent out an email letting his sister know that I will not be going to the cottage and asking him to just go without me.... he wants to know if its possible that I might not want to be there visiting with his sister.... the thought had crossed my mind..... and likely that would be the biggest reason why I won't travel the 5-6 hours so I can sit in an adirondack chair next to her to hear once again about how my "cancer is no big deal" or to be asked what my clothes size is..... or some other such insensitive commentary. </div><div><br></div><div>He heads downstairs after giving me a kiss and a pat on the back.....I turn over and pull myself out of bed... I am sore these days and today exceptionally tired. I convince myself to just get going anyway but sit there taking a moment to reflect....we had discussed with our inlaws for the past while to consider renting a cottage where everyone could meet that was close enough to us for obvious reasons.....after 16 years of being married to Max and never ever being invited to the cottage before... its suddenly became a planned family vacation for everyone during the one week in the summer that I need to be here..... I really try to take the high road but as I pondered some more... I have to own the anger brewing inside me.... it's time to get up and putter around.</div><div><br></div><div>I head out to the garden and pull weeds, squish shitty cucumber beetles and try not to cry.... the overcast gloomy skies are not helping my attitude and later when Kirsten calls... I will jump on and off the pity train and then decide its not worth mulling over any more. I confirm to myself that I really wouldn't want to have to sit in an adirondack chair playing pretend nice for the better part of a week when all I want to do is smash her square in the face with a well placed fist!!! There, I finally said it.....feel better.....not much.....I hate feeling these feelings.....its so not me. I think Kirsten has a point.... we used to as kids tell our siblings anything and everything we wanted them to know that bothered us about them.... and now, we just quell the desire to just break loose simply in part by ingrained niceties that keep us all from punching each other in the face..... I will stay home and just putter and hope my family is having a wonderful time.... without me..... </div><div><br></div><div>I am still feeling moody.... sitting in the back yard watching a woodpecker eating seeds from a birdfeeder when it gets slammed from behind by another woodpecker.... yah buddy... know how you feel. This morning I rescued a mouse swimming in our pool... he was on his last strokes when I pulled him free using the net. I simply put him back under the fence where I was sure he travelled from when he came upon the pool... and because the cat was out looking for a place to pee nearby... OK that's the story i'm sticking to. The thunder tolls every once in while as the clouds thicken.... I wonder how William is making out in Winnipeg with the flood relief job the platoon was bussed out to help with. The thunder is now deepening its retort and I am sitting under a metal umbrella typing while waiting for the lightening..... reminds me of a story about my neighbor Rudy from our last house. </div><div><br></div><div> Rudy, bless his soul, lived in the aluminum clad house kitty corner to my house. Each time a thunder storm would roll in, I would sit on my covered porch and watch Rudy struggle with the aluminum ladder and place it firmly so that it sat just above the eaves... the aluminum eaves. I would yell out 'Hey, lightening rod Rudy!!!!' He would just turn and wave and continue to remove debris from the leaves in the eaves while lightening flashed overhead. I often cringed waiting to hear the telltale snap of a bolt that met up with Rudy rummaging about. Ironically, two houses were hit a few blocks away... but not Rudy. Rudy Meyer was a rough exteriored Dutch man who survived the worst part of the war and eventually would come to Canada as a young man. I have only known him as a cranky old man who eventually gave up trying to scare me away and would just hug the stuffings out of me. I suppose it was in part because I wouldn't take his shit and he learned to give me less and less over the ensuing years when he became too sick to mow his own lawn and I would do it for him. He was even grateful, in his own way, when I had Max rebuild the back stoop before he could fall again. I am sure I saw tears...</div><div> Rudy eventually had a heart problem that led him to go to University Hospital to have surgery and he was not quite right, his partner Sharon would tell me on the way to a visit one particular afternoon just after his surgery. We got to his room and I looked around. "Sharon, did you happen to leave a set of outside clothes for Rudy and his wallet?" She replied, "why yes, of course, he insisted".... of course he 'insisted'... I headed down to the nurses station to report him as missing and likely already on his way home from the hospital. The nurse just looked at me. "I worked security and that was one of my jobs... you need to put out an APB, he is likely travelling by cab, foot or bus.... She picked up the phone and called security... and yes, he was nowhere to be found. I let her know I would bring him back when I locate him.... the nurse frowned and called a local cab company. I headed out with Sharon on a path I figured he would travel and asked her to keep an eye out. A few miles down the road we spotted him chatting with someone from the sidewalk which i pulled up onto and parked. "Well Rudy, come on, lets go". He followed us to the van but threw a temper and kicked the back of my seat until I conceded to turn the van around and head home. "OK Rudy, but after you visit with puppy and have your tea, you will need to be taken back... deal??" I spun around to see a very pouty old man with his arms folded tightly and nodding yes.</div><div> Rudy would eventually be diagnosed with lung cancer, somewhat beat that after yet another surgery and then finally, near the end, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He went senile before the end... I ran into him in the cancer unit on one of my check ups and he didn't know who I was.... after almost 18 years of knowing him. I still miss the cranky bastard!!</div><div><br></div><div>Max and I talk about the planned vacation to the cottage later in the evening...I remind him that in 16 years of marriage, we have never been asked to join his sister at her inlaws cottage EVER.... then suddenly, plans are in place and voila... .cottage week is in the ONE week that I cannot attend even though we knew about my CT scan 3 months ago. Max finally concedes that he spoke for both of us and made a mistake about the time....it doesn't help that I feel left out, ignored and now just resigned to the fact that I don't feel important. The weather continues to misbehave in direct reflection of my thoughts.... I choose to sleep in the spare room convincing myself that its because I need to move about to get comfortable... but I know better than that....I punch my pillow square in the middle and simply fall asleep....</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-55850428284368387982014-06-24T12:21:00.001-07:002014-06-24T20:06:47.234-07:00A week of reflection... and yes, a little planning...I have some downtime now that the school year is officially over for high school students. There are opportunities to volunteer this summer for new technology based daycamps which I will consider participating in. For now, I am puttering endlesly (and loving it) in my urban garden. It is easy to get lost in weeding, photographing and blogging on a passion for growing and learning new techniques. <div><br></div><div>This week saw the passing of a friend's mother Lynda, who tirelessly devoted her time, love and energy into her grandchildren and volunteering at the LRCP. You will be dearly missed by all whose lives you touched. She died of a massive heart attack and her brave eldest grand daughter re-started her heart in time for the arrival of the paramedics....that is a testament to good parenting!!! Dana, Glen and the kids.... our hearts and prayers are with you all at this time.</div><div><br></div><div>The funeral was on Monday and I chose to spend the time with my Mother after already planning to speak to her about her and Dad's funeral arrangements. Her friend Fred was showing me a list of charges that he paid for his wife's cremation.... so what did he get for just over $7,000?? Well, her ashes are still sitting in a velvet bag in his room. For just two days of obituaries in the paper..... was $1,000 dollars??????? The box she was cremated in was just over $400.... and the list goes on. So I went online and chose the basic cremation with ashes presented in a free plastic container... with no service, no expensive announcement cards, obits in the paper and it came to $2300. I then contacted an online Urn company and came up with some really neat ideas for what I thought was appropriate...</div><div><br></div><div><b>ECO PODS - </b>these little charming pods are made for either storing ashes or directly planting them in the ground where they will bio degrade. They are $15 per pod. I particularly love this idea... and it will neatly feed a lovely rosebush planted right above it. If your family wants a keepsake Kree (small urn) or jewelery to hold a tiny amount of ashes.. then that too would be a lovely touch. Depending on the amount of ashes... you could have them sent to Switzerland to have them compressed under extreme pressure to make an 8 faceted diamond... to the tune of about $2700. Even this last option with the cremation would have been cheaper than my friend Fred's wife's funeral. Of course the most inexpensive route is to donate your remains which will then be cremated and returned to next of kin for free.</div><div><br></div><div>I have decided to go with the Eco Pod and a little locket to hang from the wall or a Christmas tree... depending on the season.... as a reminder that I am always close by.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-9K-IpGTgELM/U6os_6GMDGI/AAAAAAAAB6I/G6vMi6sShbE/s640/blogger-image-293832029.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-9K-IpGTgELM/U6os_6GMDGI/AAAAAAAAB6I/G6vMi6sShbE/s640/blogger-image-293832029.jpg"></a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><b>Thelma has a seizure....</b> as I am texting a friend and HOLY CRAP, she just keels over sideways and flops onto her back where I catch her eyes rolling up into the back of her head!!! I yelled so loud that she simply rolled back over and stood up. Poor Max came tearing up the stairs just as I began to tearfully cradle her in my arms. She just ambled over to her sleep pillow in the corner and went to sleep as if nothing had happened. Of course this gets posted on FB and low and behold.... I have some pretty twisted friends who though my posting was pretty funny...looking back, I guess it was kind of comical..... after all, I did yell loud enough to wake the dead or prevent Thelma from going skyward. I remember yelling at my Dad when his eyes rolled into the back of his head a few years ago on his way skyward.... only he didn't return until he touched the ceiling.... I now wonder how loud I really am... please reserve comments.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">My Mom's dog has now started peeing in the dining room and is completely oblivious to the not so happy glare. All the animals in this house are reaching the same age...O-L-D... and I am sure we will be saying good bye to at least one this year. Despite removing the neuroblastoma from Thelma's paw... I believe she has one in her belly as well..... sigh. She is a great dog and so loving. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">OK, now that we have all the 'morbid' items on this week's blog... and after Max has been elected to bury the baby bunny that looks suspiciously like it has been mauled by our cat who walks nonchalantly past me when I opened the sliding door before coming upon the evidence. Max buries the bunny next to the compost pile........great.....no Max, no worries honey... you did a great job. Personally, I would have had a quick burial across the street where once a city tree stood before being mauled by the unpleasant occupant of the house. </div><div><br></div><div>Since we are talking about wildlife... Monday, while minding my business watching the electrical crew through the backyard on the street behind us... a large shadow approached our backyard and HOLY Freakin' COW..... its a big Heron come to visit our pond!!!! Only it sees me waving frantically and yes, calling Max (good thing he works at home undisturbed by his wife who is now home full days) to come check out the big bird landing on the roof. He manages to meander up the stairs to see me relocating our King Fisher statue to let big bird know, we already have a solitary pond predator. He does not see the quickly departing Heron as it soars overhead to find a quieter fishing hole.... I am sensing a theme this week.... yelling for Max.... and then today....</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-4rZOTHR7PbM/U6ox-Pn7weI/AAAAAAAAB6Y/rgXD1LSfqRw/s640/blogger-image--1624309233.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-4rZOTHR7PbM/U6ox-Pn7weI/AAAAAAAAB6Y/rgXD1LSfqRw/s640/blogger-image--1624309233.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>...... yelling AT Max... <b>Passport Picture Day....</b> happens at Shopper's Drug Mart where we likely paid more than Costco and which took the girl behind the camera about 25 shots to try and catch a pic of Lydia without the demonic red eye look.... you would think with the $4 extra they charge, they could afford a camera with red eye reduction... finally after many many many attempts, we got what might pass for a good picture.... and then we got home. I asked Max for the pictures after I had filled in all the information on the sheets and he said he gave them to me in the store.... No, the young lady gave me the receipt and you paid for it which means you should have them in your possession. Apparently, after dumping my purse out.... I should have done this a long time ago.... there was so much unnecessary hand wipes, kleenex, wrappers etc but alas no pictures. "Call Shoppers" I glared at him after having a loud melt down. He was on the phone and then he was gone from the driveway... it seems he left the photos on the counter of Shoppers. A sheepish grin upon his return and we were on our way to completing the rest of the paperwork. Tomorrow we go to submit it and pay what amounts to being a lot of money for 4 people!!!! This, just in case I find myself somehow crossing the border for a shopping trip...or two over the next few months.</div><div><br></div><div><b>Kale Kale.... and more Kale</b></div><div>I have grown so much Kale that I am now looking for takers on this veggie... I do juice it but sometimes it causes spasms in my liver.... I still like it but now I need to cook it. I really prefer eating raw. So tonight I had to remove about 12 plants to make room for the ever expanding squash growing on either side of the trellis in the Kale and Beet bed. I juice every morning so I think I will just have to juice the Kale anyway. I do have some takers for plants and leaves.....enough to feed the whole neighborhood. I am thinking that instead of having a yard sale this weekend, we should build a veggie stand and just sell to whoever meanders by!!!! The peas taste yummy and are almost ready to harvest the first crop. Tomatoes are beginning to grow well and I should have my first crop of these in about 2 -3 weeks. Yummy, can't wait to make salsa... and the peppers are growing fast as well. The sweet yellow banana peppers have grown overnight. </div><div><br></div><div><b>Graduation</b></div><div>My eldest son William has officially received his Artillary cap badge and entry into one of Canada's oldest regiments on Monday 23rd of June, 10 months after entering bootcamp. He is pictured here with his cousin Chelsea who ironically moved to this base last summer. I am so glad he had his amazing cousin to share his really special day and of course, his new gal pal. I am so incredibly proud of my son and the dedication and hard work he has shown all along in his military career. xoxoxo</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-uXe_qRCSwWo/U6o8xD-YSzI/AAAAAAAAB6o/yj7ghTtf7GM/s640/blogger-image-1424245101.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-uXe_qRCSwWo/U6o8xD-YSzI/AAAAAAAAB6o/yj7ghTtf7GM/s640/blogger-image-1424245101.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-90796144097809210152014-06-04T19:11:00.001-07:002014-06-17T15:50:09.090-07:00so, how am I doing these days?? I am taking each day as it comes. Some days are great and filled with energy and some days this week have been challenging. I decided on Sunday, since I wasn't feeling up to heading out to the local ball diamond for a game, I would spend some quiet time with my Dad at the nursing home....<div><br></div><div>..... I stepped into his room after looking around for him. He was laying on his bed with a blanket half pulled over him and lightly dozing. I spoke quietly to him and his eyes fluttered open. He stared at me and then slowly it occured to him that somehow he knew me...."oh, hello there". "Hello Dad", I responded back. I gently helped him to sit upright on his bed and then pulled a chair around for him to sit on. He needed some help getting into his chair but once there, he cracked a grin and thanked me for coming. I always try to bring him a coffee and a treat. Today he has two cookies and a coffee... he forgoes the coffee and says it tastes bitter. He is missing so many teeth and the remaining ones are decorated with what looks like breakfast and last night's dinner. I will have to return to brushing his teeth when I visit. He smells slightly of urine.... or rather his bed does.</div><div><br></div><div>I am feeling mixed emotions of relief that he looks great and of guilt for not visiting him more regularly. The tears start and I try to catch them. Dad has already welled up and tells me how excited he is to see me. I ask him about his children and he is lucid when he says how much he loves each of us. This is a rare moment in his Alzheimer's journey and I get parts of it on my iPhone video recording. Part-way through the recording, he 'sees' a dog and calls it to him by smacking his lips together in a repeated kiss. The mind is an amazing hard-drive that once in a while coughs up a long-ago bit of memory and plays it for its keeper. His faraway look and the quick smile when the 'dog' he has been calling sits beside him for a pat. He strokes the arm of the chair and touches my hand in the process which brings him back to the present moment. 'Oh, excuse me' he says. I reach over and pet the back of his retreating hand and he looks at me. He is blind in one eye and the other one sees so very little. His once strong powerful fingers are bent in various directions and too much pressure will cause him pain. He smiles and he eyes fill when I tell him I love him.</div><div><br></div><div>An Alzheimer's patient can react strongly in response to pain or other stimulii that can change a peaceful conversation into a hellish ordeal. That sweet little old guy can smash you in the face in seconds and without warning and all as a response to certain stimulii or memories. I am always careful and speak quietly to my father at a level he is comfortable with. He does not like to be told what to do or have anyone raise their voice to him or show impatience. I can get him to do what I need him to do through a sense of humour and lots of hugs. He loves to laugh and loves to have his hands held gently. i know my father well and we have a connection which is hard to explain.... I just know him and I know what he is saying. I know what stories to tell and which ones not to tell.... I know how to re-direct him when necessary. </div><div><br></div><div>There are many moments today where I will tear up.... how is it possible that the strong resiliant father I grew up with is a mere shell of what he used to be??? He sits in an old age home that is old itself and lacks fresh air and areas to move about in. Why can't they be large, airy and filled with plants and things to do. I rarely see other visitors in the narrow hallways when I walk Dad around the floor, I catch the strong odor of poop at the end of one hallway and I steer my father to go back to where the odor is less invasive. He doesn't notice the smell but later, the lady sitting near us begins to whine and the docile face of my father begins to crinkle and then he begins to verbalize his annoyance at Katherine's increasingly high pitched wail.... some time after the nurse glares, says something under her breath and then rolls her eyes at the back of her head ....time to walk away and back to his room. I get him to go pee before I tuck him in to bed for an afternoon nap. Time with Dad goes by fast. Two hours of holding hands and making him laugh at my silly stories. </div><div><br></div><div>I have to guide him around the toilet and help him with his pants. They have put depends on him to catch the occassional dribble.... years ago he would have laughed if anyone told him he'd be wearing them.... reminds me of the story of his father who slathered on Neet hair removal when it first came out in the 1920's.... and guffawed that a lotion, bad smelling one at that, could possibly remove hair.... I tell my Dad that story every once in a while and he guffaws like crazy until the coughing takes over. I could tell that and other stories time and time again and elicit the same reaction every time. </div><div><br></div><div>He has always had that 'cough'.... more like clearing the throat which turns into a full cough to clear the lungs. He has always suffered from pneumonia and pleurisy since child hood. He had pneumonia weeks ago which is why I could not visit him then. The modern day of medication has helped him to survive to Alzheimer's. I grab him a kleenex to help him with his spate of throat clearing. He smoked many years ago and quit before he married Mom.... he never took it up again....</div><div><br></div><div>It's time to tuck Dad in for a nap... he is tired and as I lay him down, he keeps thanking me for visiting him. The tears start up again and I smile and kiss him on the head and cheeks in rapid fire which gets him smiling again. God, how I love you Dad and how guilty I feel for leaving you behind in the nursing home where you will spend the rest of your lonely days there. How is this payment for a life of hard work??? I touch his cheek with mine and whisper words of love and promises to visit soon. He closes his eyes and a smile forms once again on his tired face. We did talk earlier of him returning home to heaven.... we both believe in an afterlife.... he says it will be soon and that he is long in the tooth. Part of me prays it is soon so that he doesn't have to live this way..... in his lucid moments.... he knows kinda where he is......</div><div><br></div><div>I step out into the sunshine and warm air......I make it to the car before the tears start to fall. I don't want to grow old if it means ending my days in a lonely barren room with no place to go. I look up to where his floor is.... and bid him good sleep... one where his soul can fly and be free. See you soon.</div><div><br></div><div>There will be a few more times when I arrive home that I have to take time out to just cry. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-HN15122_fEs/U6C17e8itpI/AAAAAAAABjc/D06j3u7QKOM/s640/blogger-image-1889463864.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-HN15122_fEs/U6C17e8itpI/AAAAAAAABjc/D06j3u7QKOM/s640/blogger-image-1889463864.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-YuvpiOy3XSs/U6C18TplOAI/AAAAAAAABjk/brBcjS7Y9E0/s640/blogger-image-686782912.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-YuvpiOy3XSs/U6C18TplOAI/AAAAAAAABjk/brBcjS7Y9E0/s640/blogger-image-686782912.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Here is a pic of me 8 months after chemo below a family pic (taken in August 2010 just 6 months after chemo). My hair is changing colour to reflect less 'Artic Blonde' and more ash brown. I love the curls so for now, I will keep growing out my hair... soon, there will not be any curls left so I will enjoy them when I can. </div><div><br></div><div>Some days, like today, I am in some pain... not bad but annoying. Today it is in my right chest - beginning at the sternum and into the right underarm, then through to the back... I am assuming at this point that all the vitamins and tinctures are helping to drain the lymphatic system. I have pain in the areas around the chest and underarms that have lymph nodes but this could be a guess. Most days are good and I have little pain in the liver as compared with a month ago. </div><div><br></div><div>I putter each day to keep the body moving but today is a down day where I am doing paperwork and preparing for September's teaching load. I figure if I do it on my down days... I should be done everything in time for start of school. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I plan ahead... always have and just in case - I have all my notes at the ready and online for my students, including a week by week on my FOL blog to use as a guide. I pray that I will be healthy at the start of the new school year. In a journey like this, you plan for any eventuality.... including the Will, which I still have not buckled down and finished.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Its been 6 weeks since Melina passed away.... there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I still leave the occassional message on her FB page.... life goes on and people get busy....but I still need her to know that she is missed every day....I still leave messages for Nancy who passed away almost 5 years ago of a heart infection in her sleep. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Sarah, her daughter Payton and Shelley made 'Relay for Life' candle bag tributes to me and put them on FB... yup, I cried. I just can't go to any of those events anymore....I guess part of me just doesn't want to acknowledge that I am still fighting into what is now year 6....and I find it hard to read all the tributes to those who no longer live amongst us. I do not want to be involved with anything to do with cancer groups (learned this one the hard way) because I do not define my life through my illness...I am not brave....just someone trying to make the best of a not so fortuitous situation. My time is valuable and I choose to spend it with my family and friends who love and care about me and doing things that bring me joy.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Saturday I went to visit my friend Millie...we met as fellow paddlers and became friends.... she has had a stroke and her left side just won't cooperate...she is now a patient in a local hospital going through physio and trying to get some use of her limbs. She is wonderful and always offers a smile... we chat about the times in the boat when I would get in trouble for laughing or talking.... that was three years ago. What a crazy life when you join a group for support and fun and end up paddling for an ex-olympian hopeful spending valuable time away from family only to be caught up in drama.... sheesh, what a year that was. I was lucky to have walked away with some truly special friends. I learned that the illness didn't rob me of my self-esteem and that stress of that magnitude only serves one purpose...to create more illness. Kisses and hugs for you Millie and sending you lots and lots of love as you heal from yet another bump in your life's journey.... hope you heal super fast!!!!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">This week, Mitchel's 19 year old friend has been diagnosed with Stage 1 Pancreatic Cancer..... sigh...it just never ends.....I am wishing Eric all the very best.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Tomorrow is Lydia's 12th birthday.... wow!!! I am so excited to be celebrating her special day with her. Well, it's time to head into the kitchen and help make the cupcakes for her classmates tomorrow.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">check out our urban garden...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-87439011483491172322014-05-25T19:08:00.001-07:002014-05-26T17:12:38.440-07:00Keeping on......... and staying busy with our urban garden. It is soothing to the soul when I look out the window in the morning and see the garden. It gives me something to do and a goal to achieve each day....it is my therapy. I have been asked a few times if I would like to speak to a therapist. Its not for me and I just don't see how a therapist can help other than listen to me feel sorry for myself or dredge up old wounds in an effort to locate my spirituality by a perfect stranger? This approach to healing is not helpful to me. I am a doer and someone who constantly seeks out things to keep me occupied. I remember being a student in class as a child who would often find myself staring out the window, or God forbid, standing at the window and risking the wrath of the teacher. My therapy is digging in dirt and watching the plants grow. My passion for teaching and learning inspires me to always do something each day that brings me joy.<div><br></div><div>I just have to learn not to tackle everything at once.... like today when my side began to hurt when I lifted the laundry basket and realized too late that I would be in pain for a few hours afterwards. Note to self - stop trying to do too much. I suppose there are days when I am in a hurry to get everything done....lest I leave something undone. </div><div><br></div><div>I am in the process of writing my own Will, only it seems to be taking forever....just like all the other mundane things I'd rather not think about. I don't want to do laundry but yet take pleasure in hanging it out to dry like today. I don't want to clean my house but it looks better when I do and makes me feel like I am contributing. I don't want to clean my room.....so I don't.... lol. Well, who does??? </div><div><br></div><div>Today I am feeling the pain of kneeling for days trying to put the small pavers into the pathways through the garden. I noticed some swelling in the knees, fingers and ankles.... and now I really do need to slow down and rest. I am feeling OK most of the time but I get to the point where I exhaust myself puttering around. Max tries to quell my need to keep busy but to no avail. I am stubborn and ridiculously stupid at times.</div><div><br></div><div>Today Max and some of the neighbors really tried hard to break down the huge chunk of concrete that is left from the basket ball pole removal. Only this concrete seems to be from Superman's home planet... hours later, only 4 inches has been removed from the top and from what we can see, it is low enough to leave the remaining concrete while the new concrete front walk is poured. I am looking forward to seeing the new walkway and eventually a new railing for the front steps. I get to watch all of this from my little bistro set now sitting in my front lawn.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-lWObuCa3KXY/U4KlC4UkPxI/AAAAAAAABZg/rheOgjwvlI4/s640/blogger-image--297450458.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-lWObuCa3KXY/U4KlC4UkPxI/AAAAAAAABZg/rheOgjwvlI4/s640/blogger-image--297450458.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>It is my new oasis in the late afternoon when I can enjoy the garden from a shady spot and wave to the neighbors as they drive by. A number of people have driven by and admired the gardens. Some drive by slowly and gape. I am sure some people think we have lost our minds while others think its about time someone shook things up!!! I must admit that it doesn't matter to us either way, although we like it when people appreciate what we are doing.</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>May 17th.</i></b>... it is a regular Saturday and I am heading out in the afternoon to go shopping with Sarah and Lydia. I thought it was odd that we were going out so late in the afternoon but Sarah has the two little ones and naps are always a consideration. At 3, Sarah arrives with baby Rowan and the four of us head out to the local hardware store and Loblaw to look at plants and pots. We end up at Jysk and purchase a pot for Max to grow his herbs. Its getting on past 5 and we head back to the house. Max greets us at the front and I give him the new pot. He tells me he has something for me and covers my eyes as he leads me into the back yard. I am thinking he has bought me another tree but when he turns me about to face the back deck and open my eyes..... my jaw drops as 40 people break out in Surprise!!! Happy Birthday!!!! WOW, I really really did make it to 50 and here were all the people I adore minus a few who couldn't make it. Some changed their schedule to be with me on this occasion. How lucky am I!!!!!</div><div><br></div><div>I think of Melina most every day and know how blessed I am to still be here with my family and doing the things I truly love to do. How lucky am I to be teaching and living my life in such a wonderful way. How fortunate for the family I have and for all the love they shower me with every day. I am truly a very fortunate woman. Living life beyond expectation and taking every day as it comes. I am happy and deeply grateful. Today I feel better than yesterday. The pain only worsens when I lift anything heavy or do too much extreme puttering... Max says I should learn to pace myself and I think that I am in a hurry to get things done just in the event my health takes a turn for the worse. I am learning to sip my tea while sitting down and appreciating the painless sleep I get when I finally turn in for bed. </div><div><br></div><div>Tonight I had to laugh.... Max is but a few feet from a rabbit in our backyard and we have 3 pets lounging on the deck just watching the rabbit hop around.....no wonder we can't grow things in our backyard without fencing. I am watching her bring bedding to a new location in the mass of perennial geraniums in the far corner of the yard. </div><div><br></div><div>Today was a gorgeous day - hot and humid with sunshine.... this evening is lovely and warm. After such a long hard winter, this is truly a blessing. I rarely will complain about the heat again. The pool heater on the roof has heated our pool up to 72 degrees. Warm enough for Lydia to start swimming every day....me I like 80 plus!! The birds are singing in the light evening winds as the clouds form above us. It will surely rain tonight and refill the two 220L rain barrels that I just emptied into the fish pond tonight and the garden this morning. I purchased a little pony pump to bring up the water pressure in order to get the water where I need it. The pool is surrounded by greenery and blooms from the King Bleeding Heat, Hereboras, Columbine, iris, geraniums, Iris, lilac, Solomon's Seal, and soon the peonies, snowball bush, roses and sunflowers.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-65001117476088418542014-05-12T04:43:00.001-07:002014-05-16T19:21:50.425-07:00..... cancer takes another soul......... Melina's. It's been a long 6 weeks since she returned to the hospital to ready herself for her final earthly journey surrounded by family and friends. Melina passed just before Mother's Day on a warm beautiful spring day after a harsh long winter. She is at peace now and just in time to be with her departed mother on what should have been a celebration with her own children. Her sweet soft nature and her enduring smile regardless of her illness has had a tremendous impact on all those whose lives she touched...including my own. I will miss you my friend but I know that this is part of your life journey and I send love to wherever you are. You will be dearly missed.<div><br></div><div>For the past four weeks I have been in extraordinary pain on the right side, just under the ribs. At times it was so painful that sleeping was nearly impossible. Along with pain comes fear.... fear of what is going on and of course since they told me I have a shadow on my liver after my last treatment I was terrified. I went to see my family doctor and she ordered an ultrasound to see if in fact there was anything there of concern.. The results came in that there were a few spots but they could not determine if they were benign or malignant..... I will have this confirmed through my oncologist on Tuesday. </div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime, my eldest sister connected with me via phone while I was dropping an item off at Mom's residence and asked if she could suggest a course of homeopathic healing to reduce the pain and begin a healing process. She sent me some natural vitamines and minerals to help my immune system. Along with that, I juice every morning and add to that my Barley Extra. My stomach and gut was now in pain and by the looks of it, I was passing gall stones. That did not explain the gut pain so I pulled out the Prepzymes I purchase from my AIM company and within two meals 90% of the pain was gone. That was last week.</div><div><br></div><div>I keep busy.... and funny enough, the stuff I am taking is giving me a mass amount of energy. I sleep and get up early in the morning feeling ready for the day. This morning, I have already cleaned the leaves out of the pool, chased a squirrel out of the garden and sprinkled all the beds with bone meal to hopefully keep them away. Apparently my aim with soil clumps is waaaaay off!!! I will just have to be diligent. They are voracious after the winter we had and they are more than making up for it. I am also pursuing my passion for gardening and it is spreading. One of my neighbors is venturing into veggie gardening and her son couldn't thank me enough for all the digging he has had to do.... albeit, in the end, he is totally proud of what they pulled together, including mulch. </div><div><br></div><div>My friend Mary and I took a road trip this past Friday and I was able to help her pick out some herbs for their deck garden and a planter pot for the front stoop... which was just the beginning for her. We then went to Whiffletree Farm and Nursery to pick up an Asian Pear Tree and some raspberry canes. It was a great day to travel with a wonderful companion!!!</div><div><br></div><div>Tuesday May 13th</div><div>I head through the now all too familiar sliding doors to the LRCP. I can find my way through this building in the dark. The place is full of people milling about waiting for their appointments in various stages of cancer treatments/diagnosis. I head off to Clinic 3 to get the pager and of course the blood test requisition. I thank the clerk and weave around legs to the blood lab next to clinic 4. I affectionately call these lab techs 'vampires'. Heather was there but I ended up sitting for another tech who hurt me on insertion and then pointed out it was likely that my fist was too tight. I would have appreciated an apology since I have been getting IV's and needles steadily for the past 5 years (later it will present as a bruise and a raised bump - a first)... and I am positive that I know a bad insertion when I feel it. I shrug it off and chat for a minute with Heather and give her a quick hug before returning to the seats across from clinic 3. The lady sitting next to me is sweet.... she has been diagnosed with breast cancer just after retiring. He husband has been battling cancer since 1998. He is not doing well and now his caregiver is ill. My pager goes off and we hug wishing each other the very best. I am off to get weighed and sit waiting in the examination room after meeting with the nurse to go over anything I am taking in vitamines and minerals, medications etc. I show her pics of my garden and she admires our ambition and lets me know where to pick up asperagus at a local grower. </div><div><br></div><div>A few minutes later, a knock on the door announces the arrival off the intern who politely offers me his hand upon introduction. Neil sits in the chair opposite of me and crosses his legs. He is wearing green socks with black polka dots. It seems so out of character with his more professional attire and I start to laugh. He asks me about symptoms. I tell him that I have had pain in my side and that I am taking enzymes to help to digest my food. He tells me that there is a possible malignant tumour in the IVC - in other words - the hephatic artery that leads into the liver from the heart... a direct route to everywhere else in the body. That is how cancer metastasizes. Once it finds itself into the arterial system or lymphatic system, the cells can travel anywhere in the body. Besides the IVC, there is another shadow presenting nearby. He asks if there is anything else? No? He explains that he will consult with my doctor and they will return together soon.</div><div><br></div><div>They enter shortly after. Dr. Younis takes the seat closer to me and Neil slips back into the seat he just vacated minutes ago. Dr Younis discusses only using chemo if absolutely necessary and only when the cancer begins to threaten to block off the artery. I ask him if he is positive that the shadow in the IVC is cancerous? Considering my diagnosis and the radiation administered to the previous suspect lesion, he is very sure. No, there is no need to biopsy the liver at this stage. They ask to see my ankles. They are looking for swelling of any kind..... later I will discover through more research that kidney and liver failure show as leg/ankle edema. I have an appointment in July for a CT scan and another follow-up with the team in the first week of August.... unless something changes in this time. Do I have any questions.... yes, but none I really want to know the answer to. I thank him for helping to give me this past year as I get ready to leave. They head out the door first and I look around the examination room. I make myself a promise that I will be as healthy as possible. I am praying for a miracle and a chance to prove them wrong. </div><div><br></div><div><i>So what do I really think? believe? want?</i></div><div><br></div><div>I <i>think</i> that the doctors only know what they know and only address the physicality of the cancer and its somewhat predictive nature. You get cancer, it often times metastasizes, you go for treatments and if they get it right, you survive. if not, you will maintain the toxic poisons in your body until the cancer takes over critical functions and shuts the body down. Cancer doesn't know that spreading throughout the body will cause its own demise.... perhaps if it did, it would just remain hidden and not leak toxic by-products into the host it is a parasite to or spread and wreck havoc. I think we want to believe that the doctors have all the answers.... even they will admit they don't. I <i>think </i>that there are always more questions than answers. I <i>think </i>that ultimately, the quality of life far exeeds that of longevity. My father has Alzheimers and lives in a lock down ward - he did not commit a crime but yet lives in a barren cell. He has worked his entire life in order to enjoy his retirement years... this is certainly not what he expected to experience...I would hazard a guess that no one considers that end of life journey.</div><div><br></div><div>I <i>believe</i> that cancer is a manifestation of stress, pain, viruses, bacteria and all that is negative in our lives. Not knowing our physical limits and pushing through them has left us out of tune and out of touch with our physical bodies. Our bodies have a way of communicating with us ~ it's called intuition. Intuition has kept me alive all these years....even though we have all come to the conclusion that I am living on borrowed time, it is none the less time. My intuition is strong and not just with myself but with others and as I de-clutter my emotions and reduce the stress by pursuing my passions. I am now tuning in to subtle hints and how my body reacts to what I eat and even what I am thinking (anger or negative emotions cause the pain to increase in my liver/pancreas area). I realize too that I hold my breath when I am deep in thought or when I am anxious. I believe that it is OK to be busy and sometimes distracted but it has to be because you are enjoying what you are doing and gain some satisfaction from whatever task you are doing.....only not exhausting yourself and learning to set limits. Having time to enjoy some down time each day is critically important to recharging your batteries. I believe that when you ignore or refuse to listen to the subtle hints... they become louder until you do and for some, it is far too late. You cannot roll back time and have a do-over, so understand that each day, even if you have to create a log book, you must spend the time to check in with yourself. </div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Personal Check in - Ask yourself</i></b> - <i>then write it out</i></div><div><b><u>Physical</u></b> how am i feeling today? Notice any lumps, bumps, pain, soreness etc and keep track of these. Have you had a bowel movement and how many? Notice the hints your body gives you.... if you are listening, you will know eventually how you feel after eating something that does not agree with you or note when you are tired and need a rest or are thirsy, hungry or under the weather. </div><div><b><u>Emotional</u></b> What makes you happy? sad? angry? jealous? tired? energetic? inspired? Keep track of your thoughts and feelings throughout the day. Look at the positive in everything and ask yourself what you need to learn from a situation or person if things aren't going so well. Are you comfortable with yourself? confident? Do you look to others to validate you or do you realize the value you bring to others? Is it important that everyone likes you or are you OK with accepting that not everyone likes you and that you wont like everyone. Can you let go of your grudges? stop finding fault with others or yourself? Are you defensive or receptive to criticism? </div><div><b><u>Mental</u> </b>Are you dealing with the demands of your everyday life or do you use avoidance techniques to put off what you need to do? Do you take on too many responsibilities? Can you delegate effectively? Can you decide what your priorities are? Are you prepared or do you just wing it? Are you able to take a 'follower' role instead of being in charge all the time (most people I meet with cancer are A type personailities like myself - the 'I will do it myself and be damned' personalities).</div><div><br></div><div>I <i>want</i> to lead an active life with balance between the physical, emotional and mental aspects of who I am. I <i>want</i> to continue to pursue my passions. </div><div><br></div><div>All too often I meet with those that are disenchanted with their lives and specifically their working lives. They, like myself at the end of my long-time position, could see no way out because after all, we need to pay the bills. Be miserable, pay your bills, live for the two weeks of vacation where you drag yourself around for the few days left of it dreading the return to work. Then ask yourself why you are not feeling well most of the time?? Money comes and goes and funny enough, the money always seems to appear when we need it the most. Negotiating for a lower mortgage payment and making do with what you have will release some of the stress of loans and trying to keep up with the Jone's. What are your passions? Most happy people pursued their passions no matter what and found a way to earn a living while looking forward to going to work. I cannot sit for long and I have been blessed with careers that require anything but!!! Get to know the you you wanted to be all these years. Waiting until retirement to realize your dreams might end up the nightmare my father found himself in when he understood that Alzheimer's was taking over his life. His life ended and his physical body remains committed to holding the soul on earth for years when he should have been travelling like my in-laws do. That is the payment for working for his retirement and now being unable to enjoy it. </div><div><br></div><div><b><u>May 15th.... my 50th birthday!!!</u></b></div><div>My course coordinator John and his wonderful minions created a surprise pot-luck luncheon at work!!!! OMG I was so surprised - I honestly did not see this coming!! I just thought the two of us were going out for lunch. There in the conference room was a wonderful lunch table complete with decorations and a tearful and loving speech from John. He always makes me tear up when he tells me how special he thinks I am. John, you have been so incredibly kind to me and I cannot thank you enough. To everyone who came for lunch and who worked at food prep and decorations. Thank you for the lovely gift card.</div><div>Later, my husband took us all out for dinner. Lydia gave me a gift box of feel good products she chose out and paid for herself. Mitchel gave me a lovely card....'best Mom ever' and the card from Max had a large sparkly '50' on it. I made it this far I think as I scramble to hide the card.... it doesn't feel real... 50??? really?????</div><div><br></div><div><b><u>May 16th</u></b></div><div>i am volunteering today at the local high school in the greenhouse and getting prepared for supplying next week. I get a call from the teacher to confirm that I will be coming in for the 4th period class. Of course I will be there!! I had no idea, even when the cake came out and the students began to sing Happy Birthday to me!!! Wow, big hug for the teacher.... thank you Karin for such incredible thoughtfulness. You are truly wonderful with your sense of humour and your thoughtfulness. Later, she brings me a bottle of wine as I am finishing up in the GreenHouse. I have cleaned all the floors and placed the tables where they can get water from the misters for the long weekend. </div><div><br></div><div>My life journey continues.... </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-4653918300448886432014-04-30T05:54:00.001-07:002014-04-30T06:38:31.385-07:00..... feeling out of sorts and uneasy......... in a week that finds me really beginning to question some aspects of my medical journey. I really want to believe with all my being that the medical profession is there to support and help us along our cancer journey and to find the answers we need to survive.... the reality is.... they don't know everything and utlimately, they address just the illness itself and not the whole person who is comprised of mind, body and spirit. <div><br></div><div>I began to feel last November that somehow I could be pro-active and make a difference in my own healing. I started to look at naturopathic remedies and yesterday, I contacted a homeopathic healer. I will be starting a regime that will help the body to heal itself by providing the nutrients that the body may be lacking. For starters I cannot have any wheat, dairy products or sugars of any kind. This I should know as soon after I ingest any of these, I feel upset and out of sorts. Over Easter I had a handful of chocolate Easter eggs and suffered with a dull pain under my right ribcage... where the liver resides.... I have learned to pay attention to my body and how it feels with the foods and beverages I feed it. Food should energize you not make you want to lay down and go to sleep. </div><div><br></div><div>A good homeopathic healer is one who understands and supports the balance of homeopathic remedies and western medicine. The two need to work together in order to help the body. A good doctor should support the patient in their desire to improve their medical outcomes by understanding a healthy outcome needs to be a balance of what needs to be done and what the patient needs to do.</div><div>Often if a patient feels that they have some say or control in their medical health, they tend to feel better and have a more positive outcome. With all the research i have done and all the people I have spoken to, just following one path may ultimately run you into a dead end. </div><div><br></div><div>The past few weeks have left me considering what my life options are while my friend lays dying in a hospital bed. We were diagnosed within months of each other both times, only she is there and I am feeling guilty somehow? I tell myself that our paths were meant to cross but not to parallel each other. I consider and weigh out whether I would go on chemo again.... there is always a price to be paid for trying to extend your life by months or sometimes years. I would like to think that we can keep it controlled without having to spend every summer taking chemo. I hate chemo and the thought of having toxins washing through every single cell and making me feel horrible makes me cringe. Last summer I chose to take chemo because I couldn't breathe from the lesions pressing up against my heart and lungs. Within a few doses I could breathe and was able to work through the year... which happened to be one of the best years of my life despite how I was feeling physically. It brought new opportunities and a renewed belief that there was hope.</div><div><br></div><div>That being said.... I have taken much more responsibility for what goes into my 'temple' and each food is for healing. </div><div><b>My morning meal</b> </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HVjgUfN3uUQ/U2DymK1-_mI/AAAAAAAAAwE/ZIBrqnflzFY/s640/blogger-image--721135070.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HVjgUfN3uUQ/U2DymK1-_mI/AAAAAAAAAwE/ZIBrqnflzFY/s640/blogger-image--721135070.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-70Y77mMlq7Q/U2DylWqcplI/AAAAAAAAAv8/KI1YBdHIuSE/s640/blogger-image-54153605.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-70Y77mMlq7Q/U2DylWqcplI/AAAAAAAAAv8/KI1YBdHIuSE/s640/blogger-image-54153605.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I juice every morning and this morning I put in: spinache (2 generous handfuls), 2 apples, 1 handful of baby carrots (I prefer to use ones pulled out of the ground and washed off), Kale, 1 slice of lemon, and zested ginger. I place the juice into my AIM shaker with 2 tablespoons of Barley Plus. I will take two more drinks of Barley Plus on an empty stomach a few minutes before I eat using 2 tablespoons each time. It has been suggested that because my digestive track is not functioning correctly, that I eat a lot of fresh, lightly steamed vegetables, soups and other foods containing liquids. I have been told to also keep well hydrated to flush the body and to keep the kidneys and digestive track moving.</div><div><br></div><div>I will also be taking a regime of natural additives that are being shipped out this week. I will follow this regime to the letter and in 2 1/2 months, will compare that CT scan to the one I just had a few weeks ago. The neck lesion is easy to track as it is now laying conveniently on top of my clavicle. The dull ache under my rib cage is still there but not nearly as painful as it has been this past week. </div><div><br></div><div>Keeping as stress free as possible is key to maintaining a healthy attitude, mind and spirit. I have been too busy this past week trying to do too much and failing miserably once again at pacing myself. I however have found working in the local high school's greenhouse has brought me much joy. I will try to get there by Friday to see how well the misting system I set up is working. I will also be substituting for a few days and I am looking forward to that!!!</div><div><br></div><div>Our urban garden is a project that not only provides us with nutritional home grown local foods but also helps with the mind and spirit. I am a teacher. I am using this opportunity to teach my children and those around us to take responsibility for what we eat and how to cultivate our food. I am running a myriad of experiments to see what works and what does not.... and the fact is.... I am looking to the future and not dwelling on the present. I am continuing to live my life and enjoying what I do each and every day. I think we have all lost that in our modern world.... lost the ability to connect with nature and the very earth that helps to sustain our lives. We are becoming immune to the signals our bodies send us. We are distracted by too many things to just sit and listen to the birds singing out our window in the morning or to enjoy a cup of coffee in those quiet minutes when the world hasn't yet fully awakened and the natural sounds drowned in the noise of traffic. We stay up too late and get up too late or just in time to rush rush rush out the door and to our lives.... for some, they have jobs that give them no meaning and no passion for what they do. That is sad and a waste of a good life. Money.... well we sorted that out this year... took out a longer mortgage, rolled my car payments into it and decided that we had all the stuff we needed. We will save for a trip now and enjoy the life we have. It is so true that you cannot take it with you so why we accrue so much 'stuff' is beyond me. Use your money to bring happiness in creating an environment that brings you joy and peace. De-clutter your life and your home.</div><div><br></div><div>It has been raining and windy for days now and I love it. The seeds I planted on Will's birthday (Sunday April 27th) have had a wonderful long drink to help open up the hard outer coating and to awake the plants within. The plants in my garage greenhouse are growing wonderfully now that most of the tomatoes have met with an unfortunate demise which then prompted the purchase of the greenhouse grow light. What did not make it will be replaced with plants purchased through a local horticulturist garden. </div><div><br></div><div>There is much excitement with most of my neighbors about the new garden beds... some don't like it and they do not understand why we are doing this and that is perfectly OK. I catch the odd confused look and I find it funny that the neighbor with the plastic play house in the middle of his lawn gives me that sidelong look. It has become a meeting place for other neighbors and friends. I believe that gardens bring out the common element in many people who love anything that grows. Passing along hints and tips to help each other is always welcome!!! LIFE IS GOOD</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Live Love and laugh!!! xoxoxo</i></b></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-46137883013148215312014-04-22T15:24:00.001-07:002014-04-22T16:34:56.842-07:00.... the CT results and what is next.......in this journey.....<div><br></div><div>I arrive at the clinic after spending most of the day at a local high school getting familiar with their greenhouse and then heading off to a local greenhouse grower to ask them a few questions and to pick up some seeds. It seems I know someone everywhere I go and within minutes of arriving at Parkway Gardens, righting a fallen tree outside the entrance doors, I spot Mario but first he has to attend to a curious furry visitor who is now making its way between the two layers of roofing plastic that forms the greenhouse. Upon his return he notes that he has only a few short minutes until they can locate the travelling raccoon. Thumping noises announce the ascent of an employee on an external ladder...an eerie shadow cast on the gloomy roof covering and the sound of muffled voices has Mario keeping a close watch over his shoulder. The humidity hangs in the air. Its a sharp contrast from yesterday's sunny and warm temperatures to today's cool, windy and overcast skies. Questions answered in a common sense manner and quick as Mario is called once again to attend to the re-discovered 'bandit'. A quick wave bye and I head over to the seeds. The majority of my plants have expired.... too cold with the garage door left open so long. We have a gameplan for next year to remedy this. For now, the urban garden has been built and we are just awaiting soil this week.</div><div><br></div><div>I head home to write letters of reference for my students and get lost in time until I stare at the clock.... where did the time go? I have to head out to the hospital to see the oncologist and to discuss my CT results. Today will be an exceptionally long wait. It doesn't often happen but then there are always reasons why. The reason became clear when I asked the lady sitting adjacent and a few seats down if she was OK? She turned and smiled and then we both began to chat. Her hair above her ears is sparse in comparison to the hair on the crown and down her neck. She has a brain tumour. Most of it was removed by surgery but there is still some in there which is growing. She was told that she only has a year at best. She asks me if I have ever been depressed? Yes, it spurts and then it culminated at Christmas when all I wanted to do was sleep and let the world go by....and then that spark of hope in the form of radiation which got me going in a really positive direction. It helped that I had the support of family, friends, colleagues and students. She tells me about her brothers and how they rallied around her in her time of need. She is alone otherwise and I cannot imagine what was going on in her thoughts when she had one seizure after another and not being aware that she was growing a sizeable tumour in her head and no one to notice until it was almost too late. </div><div><br></div><div>A man approaches us and asks Deb to move to another chair. He has to set up a ladder next to the railing in order to guide a rather oversized poster into place. I watch as they swing it into place on cables and note that the rope attaching these circular posters one beneath the other is tangle around the uppermost one. The gentleman had to return step up onto the ladder to right the situation and then voila, success!!! He looks down and grins widely. He has been joking with me since Deb was called in for her appointment.....when she was finally called, she stood and we shook hands and wished each other well.... then she turned to look at me and thanked me for asking her how she was. I just knew she needed someone to talk to.... and I recognized the anxiety written all over her face. I watched as she moved through the door and silently wished her all the best. Now she and the man are gone and it is just me and a few others left in the waiting room. The patient reception is closed and the staff are chatting in front of the closed window planning out the next day's activities.</div><div><br></div><div>It has been a long wait but finally my pager comes to life in my hand. BRRR BRRR BRRR. The nurse heads out of the door from the patient reception and guides me to an exam room. The doctor will be right with you but first she asks how I am feeling? Are you in pain? Any concerns? Are your bowels a light colour? Well, they were red today because of the beets I juiced this morning! She laughs and says that she loves beets but never considered juicing them? She heads out the door once she is satisfied she has collected enough information and within a few minutes Dr. Locke steps through the door. How are you? He reaches out to shake my hand and we smile at each other. Let's talk about the report....</div><div><br></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The report indicates an active spot in my chest and neck and of course there is now a shadow in the liver near where we have effectively killed the first liver lesion. Do we know if there are any more in there? No. That's the thing about cancer.... there could be hundreds of lesions but not detectable until they become large enough for the contrast to light them up in an MRI or CT scan. Good news - the lesion targeted by radiation in the liver is gone. Bad news besides the shadow in the IVC of the liver is the lesion in the neck is larger. Of course it is. I can feel it. Other than that, he grins, you are perfectly healthy. I laugh at the irony of this. I feel good and am keeping active. What's next? Well, he says, we have an appointment for you on the 2 May with the Chemotherapist and of course your ultrasound in the morning on that day. He likely will not do anything with regards to chemotherapy but yes, there are still options available for you should the need arrive. By 'need' he means life saving.... Any questions? No, not at this time. OK, well then, we will see you in 3 months for a follow-up with CT scan but for now, you will be with Dr. Younis. We shake hands and I leave to go home....2 1/2 hours after arriving.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I call Max on my way home and let him know the good news bad news scenario. No surprises there. So we do what we always do.... turn up the radio, drive through traffic and contemplate life... today's life exercise...how I will section off the garden to plant the vegetables...life goes on.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">***note: We build the entire above ground vegetable garden during the long weekend when our obnoxious neighbors went out of town.... wonder what they thought when they came upon this... my lovely beautiful new Urban garden. I want to thank my soul mate for spending time with us to create this wonderful garden with me..... I weaved the willow fence in the front.... thank you to Mitchel who helped and to Lydia for making yummy lunches for us. xoxoxoxo</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Uv-qM4XPfz0/U1b8nkCihOI/AAAAAAAAAuU/_A0lAQ8Rq1g/s640/blogger-image-19614140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Uv-qM4XPfz0/U1b8nkCihOI/AAAAAAAAAuU/_A0lAQ8Rq1g/s640/blogger-image-19614140.jpg"></a></div><br></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-65857223947030914322014-04-17T20:24:00.001-07:002014-05-13T18:26:39.324-07:00..... last day of classes........... started hours ealier with the expectation of a number of students in attendance for catch up labs. Two days worth of hours upon hours in support of the next generation of workers in the technological trades. I will miss this very special group of students who went through this cancer journey with me. One student lost his father at Christmas and today I hugged the stuffings out of him and let him know how proud I was of the effort he put in despite the tremendous challenge of supporting his mom and siblings while mourning the loss of his father. He was unable to save his father when the tractor crushed him... most people would have quit school but here this young man was driving 3 hours home and back a few days a week making sure the farm was operating. <div><br></div><div>Handshakes, hugs and best wishes from support staff, cafeteria workers, our friendly electrician Deb and my students.... would never have prepared me for the wonderful suprise from our course coordinator and dear friend John who stepped into the last formal lab to present me with a bouquet of flowers. A long hug and exchange of words of appreciation made this a special and emotional moment for both of us. John will always have a very special place in my heart... he is extraordinary and a true gift to all those whose lives he touches. He has always been there for me and through his support has made it possible for me to flourish as a professor. Such a difference coming from a previous 'job' of being micro-managed to someone who understands that allowing people to find their groove creates a truly happy and beneficial career. I feel truly blessed being in a career that gives me so much joy. Yesterday our Chair Vertha popped in with Joel... thank you for your kind words of support and a wonderful semester!!</div><div><br></div><div>I am heading into more testing on the 2nd of May with the Liver. While the two lesions that have been treated with Proton radiation have proven to have shrunk, there is a larger shadow near the lesion just treated in the liver. The ultrasound will be used to inspect the liver and gall bladder. I do have a feeling of fullness under the rib cage to the right and sometimes it gets uncomfortable. There was nothing found on the CT scan with respect to anywhere else. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed, we can solve this next step in this journey. Yes, it is somewhat frustrating at times but I am grateful that we are keeping on top of this. I feel good and am eating well and getting enough sleep these days and now that I am completed the semester, I will be occassionally volunteering my time and spending most of my free time creating our urban garden. As my doctor and I agree... it is always best for me to keep busy... which for me, is never a problem!!!</div><div><br></div><div>I am wishing everyone a very Happy Easter.... count your blessings every day and find something nice to do for someone. Sunday we will be having dinner over at my Mother's retirement residence. </div><div><br></div><div>For my dear friend Melina, who is losing her battle.... there is not a day that goes by that you are not on my mind and in my prayers. You have made an impact on those whose lives you have touched. Enjoy the visit with your father who has travelled a half a world away on the generosity of so many people who have fundraised so he could spend your final days with those who know and love you best. I wish you a safe journey into the next chapter in your soul's journey to be reunited with those loved ones who have gone before you. I love you so much and will miss you dearly xoxoxo</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-57648097553953530402014-04-09T18:39:00.001-07:002014-04-09T20:35:54.654-07:00...... but it's only WEDNESDAY!!!!<b>Tuesday.....</b><div>Today I have marked on my calendar a trip to Fayez Spa. I have asked a friend Mauricia to come with me because she so desperately needed to get away for a few hours of relaxation after an incredibly stressful month. Having cancer or healing from it is already stressful enough but it was truly time to start our spring with a rejuvination time. Mauricia brought lunch and we caught up while eating. Max joined us from his office beneath the dining room and scooted back down after finishing his spicy squash soup. I graciously declined the soup and stuck with the sandwiches. Then it was off to the Spa!!! </div><div><br></div><div>We arrived a few minutes later and it was fun to see the look on Mauricia's face.... It has taken her the better part of 70 years to book a luxurious spa and I turn to see her face break out into a smile. She will be having an exfoliation with steam and a massage and I am having an exfoliation with a mud wrap and massage. Victoria leads me down a narrow candle lit hallway while Marta C. takes Mauricia down an opposite route.</div><div><br></div><div>The room is small and lit in the corner with another flameless candle and small lamp. The table has been set up with a foil sheet on top of the well padded bed. Victoria smiles warmly from her youthful face and quietly explains that I need to strip down and put on the paper underwear she hands me. She promises to return. I undress and I can see my reflection in the horozontal framed mirror hanging from the wall opposite. I am always slightly surprised by the aging in a body I keep thinking is still 30. My hair has begun the post chemo curl and I silently promise to not cut it for as long as I can...it will just become bone straight again. I note that the 'artic blonde' is changing to a dirty blonde with 'highlights' offered up by the new virgin growth. The depression in my breast from the surgeries is now a dark shadow. Even the low lighting accentuates every physical flaw. Victoria had offered a few courtesy hand towels to cover up my 'sensitive' areas. I decide to just not use them and be accepting of this body that continues to give me life and of the children whose lives would not exist without it. I have earned each and every scar (many of them) and the tattoos that adorn the arms I use for hugging and holding. Satisfied with my decision, I pull on the paper undies which look like a black rectangle folded in half with a string running through the ends creating what I laughingly think of as sumo undies.... they do not fit and decidedly sag. I would laugh if I didn't look so pathetic in them... but realize that not even a supermodel could make these look good!! I sit down and the foil crinkles beneath me as I shift into position with all my bits for the world to see.... the door opens and before I know it, I am explaining away the scars. Victoria looks at my face and says with a lovely smile "you look just fine, now enjoy!" </div><div><br></div><div>Being exfoliated with a fresh salt based concoction feels like being rubbed with sand until she finds a wee knick in my finger and I spend the next 15 minutes pretending that the stinging just doesn't annoy me... I now understand why you do not shave the day of treatment. I reroute my mind to think of lovely ocean side thoughts as I drift along with the asian music that is now filling my ears. I can almost hear the ocean I am smelling. Victoria paints on the Hungarian mud on my now exposed back as I sit up to begin the second part of the treatment before she wraps me up. I lay back down and I note that the mud cools on my skin and I feel a slight chill as she is careful to paint it on my exposed belly, upper chest, legs and arms. She pulls up the excess foil from both sides and completely covers me from the tops of my feet to my neck and then uncoils a heated blanket from under my feet and gently tucks me in. She lets me know she will be back in 10 minutes. I can hear the foil crinkle with each breath I take. Its a quiet reminder that I am stil breathing. I close my eyes and drift into a half sleep ignoring the burning feeling in the nicks in my thumbs. I am grateful I can feel.</div><div><br></div><div>Victoria arrives and gives me instructions to wash off in the adjoining shower after she lifts the foil off. It is now rather cold as I step through the opaque blue glass door and find myself in a gorgeous large shower with a rain head a foot above my head. There are pebbles cemented into the middle of the floor and my eyes follow the river flowing into a drain cleverly hidden out of view under the wall. I feel the warm water cascading down my back as I wash the mud and salt from my neck to my toes. It is sheer luxury to find a fresh towel place on the head of the bed which has now been converted to a massage table. I dry off and then place the towels and sumo panties neatly in a folded pile on the floor out of the way. I hear a soft knock as i cozy in to the pillow under my chest. My face is down into a terry cloth covered frame. The 45 minute massage begins and it is just sheer heaven. All my aches are rubbed away with an aromatic moisturizing lotion. I am drifting off into la la land. She is speaking quietly letting me know that I can get dressed now. She wants to know if I would like something to drink while I wait for Mauricia..... yes, I would love a camomile tea. I get up, dress and then follow her down the hall to a little vestibule off the main hall and find myself in a very cozy waiting room. </div><div><br></div><div>I find myself chatting with a very expectant mother and noting the excitement on her face as she announces her due date is mere days away. I remember those days and wonder how the years went by so fast??? The woman and her mother leave just as Mauricia appears. We sit chatting with her masseuse while we ready ourselves to go. Thanks Mauricia for coming out today!!</div><div><br></div><div><b>Wednesday</b></div><div>Today starts out OK and by the end of the day..... it is just tears. I begin teaching at 8 am and by noon, we are done. Sara and I grab lunch and head back to the office. She is always a great gal to talk about anything with and we know each other well enough that we can just express our feelings or opinions. I tell her that I am nervous about the CT scan today.... and note that I am not crazy about being poked again in the poor vein that is hosting many scars making it quite tough. I get to the hospital and manage to find my way to the CT suite.... whatever happened to the colored stripes on the floor???? All the signs are the same colour and same print making it difficult to find what you are looking for. I manage, after asking a number of employees, to find the full waiting room. The receptionist is in training by an obviously pregnant employee. It takes 12 minutes and many phone interruptions later to finally get booked in. Oh dear, I have to drink a contrast.... So the appointment, which was supposed to be at 2:00 pm has now stretched into 3:15 pm. The contrast is supposed to be ingested over a period of 1 hour but I didn't receive it until 2:45 and then sipping it until 3:30. The technologist comes to get me and asks me to get changed. The pants supplied are sitting on the bench in the change room with a sign above stating that there is only one size. I pull the pants on and understand why they threw the note up.... one size does not fit all!!! The front gapes open but I don't worry as I pull on the gown which will cover it. I rarely can tie these darn things up and as I bend over to put my things in the locker... the waiting room gets a view from behind of my now naked breasts. Oh well... </div><div><br></div><div>A lovely young lady comes over to greet me and bring me to the lab chair to insert the I.V. She realizes right away that the main vein in my elbow is very scarred and she is hesitant about inserting a needle so she finds one in the upper arm. She manages to put a smaller needle into the vein and tries to slowly inject saline to guide it. Oh dear, I blew your vein. She now has to remove the needle and find another spot. A vein just under the ink on my forearm is the next site chosen and this time, she eases the needle in expertly and we are good to go. She apologizes profusely and I let her know that we are just fine. OK, off we head to the CT scan. There will be a few scans done. The upper chest, neck and throat will be done while puffing out my cheeks - this, I was told in the last one I did, is done so that a picture behind the tongue can be taken. The other series is taken to check the liver and other organs. It only takes a few minutes and I get the thumbs up that I am done. We chat about dogs while my I.V is removed and she walks me out. I give her a hug and thank her.... she lost her Mum when she was a young girl to colon cancer..... this is one of many stories I will note today. Earlier I wished the man beside me best of luck and the woman whose journey, much like mine has been ongoing for years and whose hope to have a clear CT scan echos mine as well. </div><div><br></div><div>I will head up to the Oncology in-patient ward C7 to visit my friend Melina. I find her room and step in and past the patient bed nearest the door. Melina's bed is past the curtain separating the two beds. I peek around the corner of the curtain and see my lovely wonderful friend sitting upright gently pulling at a tuna sandwhich in a plastic container and pushing the morsels into her open mouth. She looks up and says a quiet hello and the faintest glimmer of a smile crosses her lips. Her eyes are dull and her colour is off. She has no makeup now to cover the obvious loss of facial hair. She is speaking slowly and choosing her words. I look into her eyes and I tell her I have just stopped in to say Hi but the words catch in my throat as the tears catch me off guard. "no tears, oh, no tears Marita". I turn to look away because I do not want to upset her, so I lay my head on her leg and touch her gently. I am fighting the tears and the deep sadness I am feeling. She is my friend..... I try to be light when I bring my head up to catch her looking at me. I ask her if there is anything i can do for her. She has done everything she assures me and there is nothing left to do. She lets me know how grateful she is and that she hopes she has made an impact. My tears escape and roll down my cheeks... "you have made such an incredible impact on my life with your laughter and your wonderful spirit". She admits that she has two wonderful children and she is grateful for them. Damir and Ella walk in..... her husband of over 20 years and her daughter. They are amazed at how many people have come to visit and of the generosity of those who have donated to the fundraiser to bring her father back to say good bye to her. It is not a surprise to me that there are so many people who want to help her and her family and to let her know how much they love and will miss her. A doctor pops his head around and asks if she is comfortable. She is. Is she needing anything. No. He lets her know that he is in for the weekend. I know she is tired and I will leave just minutes after arriving. I do not want to take any more precious time she needs with her daughter. They are working on a project together. I look at her again and tell her I love her. I gently cradle her head in my hands and kiss her cheeks and then crazy kiss her forehead. She sighs out a smile and tells me she loves me. I touch her one last time and linger until the threatened tears spill over. She can't see my face as I say bye to her family. A sob catches in my throat in the hallway as I pace to the elevators. I get on and ask a nurse beside me what floor I should get off on to leave.... she suggests floor 2 even though she noticed I had originally gotten on the elevator on the 1st floor to come up. I thank her and punch the number 2 button. I want to flee and never come back... I catch myself almost running as I slip past a woman with a double stroller and step into the warm spring air.</div><div><br></div><div>All around me are signs of spring. Sunshine, birds singing and the buds breaking on the trees adorning the parking lot. The tears are coursing down my cheeks making it hard to navigate and the sobs begin to rack my shoulders. I want to scream!!! The parking lot which was overfull when I pulled in at 1:20 pm have emptied considerably in the 3 hours since I arrived. I easily spot my car parked in front of a still sizeable snow bank. 'Happy' by Pharrell Williams is playing on the radio and I feel anything but. My friend will not see the spring. I open my driver's side window and the roof window.... and then I blare the music trying to drown my thoughts. The world around me is full of life and happy that the weather has finally begun to change. As a child, I would look forward to putting on my runners and feeling the crunch of sand beneath the soles and skip along the sidewalk breathing in the fresh new air. I don't care to pass anyone and am OK with just following the car in front.... I can hear a horn blare in the late afternoon traffic and wonder if they know how unimportant that minute they saved ruining someone else's day by being pushy.... is worth everything to those waiting to take their last breath. The tears start to roll down the cheeks again. Melina wanted to know that her life counted for something, that she made a difference. Don't worry... you had an impact on all those who have had the pleasure of meeting you. I make it home in time to wander around the backyard distracting myself with the early spring crocuses. Lydia comes out to see how I am doing after holding her and sobbing when I first arrived home. She heads back to the house to make me a decaf coffee. </div><div><br></div><div>I sip the coffee while checking my e-mail and a few FB posts when I get a message from a friend. I note the location is Toronto. He has just received his second diagnosis and asks me for advice on breaking the news to his new bride. Tell her straight up and the two of you will figure out what to do next.... I am here for you both, whatever you need. xoxoxo Love you.</div><div><br></div><div>After dinner as I am laying in bed texting my sister, I note a lovely picture from a friend half-way across the world. I comment and ask who the gentleman is behind her? It is her father and she is making arrangements to fly out to see him before cancer takes his life. I am so sorry. Hugs and best wishes you get to see him and talk to him. Safe Journey.</div><div><br></div><div>...... for those who are starting a journey or nearing the end of your journey, healing and moving forward or for anything in-between..... take time today to take in a healing breath, feed your body, soul and mind and be eternally grateful for the life you have been gifted with - it's not perfect, maybe not what you expected or wanted.... but it is yours and make it the best it can be.</div><div><br></div><div>To my loving friend Melina.... thank you for being my friend and for being someone whom I deeply admire. I love you and yes, I will miss you dearly. Enjoy your moments with your Dad, who wil be arriving tomorrow. xoxoxoxoxox</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-78048509990375869332014-04-04T04:08:00.001-07:002014-04-04T05:35:17.750-07:00..... time to find a relaxing moment with friends........ and getaway for a quick fix to a local spa. I have not been to one in years... at least not since my last cancer journey. My friend Mauricia is not feeling well and sure could use a relaxing moment, worry and care free. So, today I am booking us in!!! It will be a great way to welcome in the new season.<div><br></div><div>We have finally drawn up the list of items we need for our above ground garden and sent off to see if we can have some or most of the necessity list filled so we can get started. Our new design is friendlier and easier to create but not cheaper. The initial investment will run us around the 1500 dollar mark if we are frugal. The plants which we are growing should produce enough seed stock and virtually cost us nothing to obtain other varieties if we seed swap. Creating a catalogue of seeds and sharing with others will pay dividends. Currently, my green house is really sprouting and doing exceptionally well now that the daylight hours is steadily increasing. I am doing some experiments with cold-framing in the back yard to see what in fact survives.....if anything.</div><div><br></div><div>Yesterday I was outside sweeping and raking up the remnants of a long winter from our driveway and front lawn. Without getting into detail.... some of which are hysterically funny........ the neighbor and I have decided that 1. we will never speak to each other again and 2. I will never speak of their property again as I remind him that they cut down city trees, broke a few noise and animal bylaws, park in the neighbor's driveway without permission......I could continue but that has already been covered in a previous blog last year. "Perfect!!" I declared as he 'na na boo booed me' (complete with tongue ) while stating that our neighbours think I am wacko too!!!! I love it, when is the last time I heard that line? Oh, yeah.....when I was like, five. It is usually indicative of someone who is losing ground in an argument and needs imaginary support. I guess he should ask the neighbours first before making that statement or accusing me of calling the city about his endlessly barking dogs. Amazing that the city sent him a letter after the neighborhood has been subjected to years of this nonsense and how quickly they learned to control them after they received it. This was after they apparently received a letter from the city with regards to the unceremonious cutting down of city owned trees on their property which succumbed after the wife hacked them down every year. He defiantly points across at the spindly tree at the edge of my yard and declares that if they hadn't cut them then they would look like mine. Only it isn't mine I remind him, and sweep my hand to encompass an entire street that is lined with city owned trees for the exception of his lawn and you have no tree left to compare with that one, I point back to the tree on my property. He has nothing left to say and stands gaping as if in mid sentence.</div><div> </div><div>"I will offer that you as well never speak to me again and mind your own business when it comes to my property" I call across the road to him. DEAL. I smirk as he turns to get into his vehicle saying something under his breath I can not make out..... I stand in the road sucking my thumb as he blares his horn all the way down the road. Not my proudest moment for sure but it felt good standing up to this overgrown bully.... (I took a few lessons from my feisty Italian neighbour who even at a very slim 5' to his 6'4 large frame took him on when he tried accusing her of imagined wrongdoing - I adore her but heck, I wouldn't even try taking her on!!!!). It will feel even better when construction on my front lawn begins. I at least called the city to ask permission and got the facts before breaking ground. My husband and I will take great pains to ensure that it looks as beautiful as it is practical out of respect for those living around us.</div><div><br></div><div>We have already offered up our urban garden website to our neighbors and have let them know what we are up to. So far, we have a great deal of support and one neighbour who is ready to swap plants he is growing in his greenhouse!!! So I am hoping to see a warm up soon and can't wait to compare notes. </div><div><br></div><div>I have 2 weeks left until the end of the school year with my college students. It's been a tough year filled with challenges but a really great one too!! It will be hard to say goodbye to the students but I am excited that so many have job prospects lined up before graduation. I am so proud of all the hard work and effort they have put in this year and of their support. My colleagues and I will be hosting a pot-luck lunch for the students to celebrate the end of their school year and the beginning of their adult life.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-71475667092898704462014-03-29T17:18:00.001-07:002014-04-02T16:45:23.491-07:00...... so how am I feeling these days?I am feeling better than I have in months. I have been taking good care of myself and making sure I spend some relaxing time doing things that make me feel good. Planning my urban garden with Max is one of those great activities!! (http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca). Today we mailed Flat Stanley back to the Ohio grade 2 classroom after 12 days of adventuring. <div><br></div><div>That grade 2 student Hailey will never really know the positive impact that Stanley's visit had on me near the end of my radiation treatments. I was able to focus on something other than my illness and in the process, I started to think of where I could take Stanley. It became a game every day on where I could take him and what we could do when we got there. Stanley has been to my classroom, the TV station where I worked etc. Today I took my daughter and her friend to the Maple Bush and we only took a few pictures of Stanley. I put him into my purse and the rest of the pictures were of the kids. I am officially out of my funk and all thanks to some flat guy and a daughter who reminded me of the importance of bringing her along....she was actually jealous of Flat spending so much time with her Mom!! ( http://flatstanleyvisitslondon.blogspot.ca )</div><div><br></div><div>My Mom had a minor stroke... according to the hospital, it likely happened weeks ago and then her health started to take a decline as she stopped knowing when to take her medications and it snowballed from there. I took care of her last Tuesday and Wednesday evening but unfortunately she had begun to decline over the following days. Her eldest daughter arrived on Wednesday evening to look after her and realized by Friday that things were certainly not right. She left the hospital today with her eldest daughter after a four day stay until they could balance her chemical levels and work out her medications. She will no longer be administering any medication to herself but through the nursing staff at her retirement home. I have spent the past few days being a gracious assistant to the visiting eldest sister to help facilitate Mom's return back home. My brother would later rib me about this but sometimes, doing the right thing means putting aside, albeit temporarily, your own feelings to benefit someone else in their time of need. Mom is back home and tomorrow, her eldest will return to her home... far far away.</div><div><br></div><div>I visited with my Dad for the first time in months. I stepped off the elevator onto the third floor of the long-term care home and spotted him almost immediately sitting alone in a corner by the window. His head turned as if he heard his name and looked in our direction. I often think that he senses when I am near.... I remember the staff at the last home telling me he would knock on the window just minutes before I would arrive. I walk up and call out Dad. He looks up at me and a smile forms slowly as his blue eyes scan over me. He isn't really focused but knows he is being addressed. His eldest asks if he knows who I am and when he slowly turns his head no, she asks him what his daughter's names are.... he said my name.....Alzheimer's has taken so much from my father except his sense of humour and his zest for zaniness. I offered him a maple donut, one of his favorite flavors we picked up on the way to visit and a cup of coffee. We set down his treats and spoke to him. He loves when you hold his hand or touch his cheek and smiles when you do. According to the nurses, he was in a funk first thing in the morning and for his efforts, earned him a second dose of his calm pills..... that's why he was sitting by himself in the corner. We sat and visited with him for an hour and partially entertained a woman who insisted on joining us... fortunately the coloring books that were on the table we dragged over to have our coffee on kept her entertained. Looks were exchanged between the eldest and myself when the woman pulled a grease stained McDonald's bag out of her purse. The crushed muffin was ceremoniously removed from its enclosure and she gleefully patted it with the butter that accompanied it. Once thing you have to admit when it comes to fast food.....it stays 'fresh' forever!! </div><div><br></div><div>Our hour was up and it was time to head to my chiropractic appointment. I turned to Dad and when I got close enough to kiss him, he turned and nuzzled my nose with his. Something I would always do with him when putting him to bed at night. I missed you so much Dad and it was good to see you smile. You look amazingly good.... I will see you soon. It is always hard to leave him sitting by himself and I often wonder why him?? He worked hard his whole life and here he is retired and living in a locked-down ward wearing a multcoloured bib to protect the plaid shirt beneath. I grasp his hands that once long ago dwarfed mine. I never in a million years ever thought I would be the one wiping his face and hands after a donut or reading him a book he might have read me as a child. How terribly sad to live out your days only remembering the ones that meant the most in your youth and forget the ones that brought you grand-children. Well, today is today, can't change yesterday or tomorrow. I have to live knowing that life is very uncertain and nothing other than death and taxes is a given. My father continues to inspire me to always be my best. While I may not ever connect with my eldest sister, I am proud of myself for being kind, respectful and accomodating. </div><div><br></div><div>I spent the rest of the day cleaning out part of the garage to make room for our next project. The over-wintered plants in the garage got pulled out into the sunshine, picked clean of dead leaves and watered for yet another season. They are all annuals which I have learned to keep for years. The dull, faded wooden King Fisher sitting in the corner needed a new coat of paint and an outdoor finish... so I sanded the surface, mixed the acrylic paints and put on a new rich coat. Then I was off to the hardware store for polyethylene satin finish to make it water proof. This wood carving has saved our pond fish from extinction by a local Heron</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-R5KvG4DJCcE/UzuGhhDSoqI/AAAAAAAAArc/S1p9q_K2SUQ/s640/blogger-image-340377101.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-R5KvG4DJCcE/UzuGhhDSoqI/AAAAAAAAArc/S1p9q_K2SUQ/s640/blogger-image-340377101.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I managed to get the colours matched well and I am super pleased by how it turned out.</div><div><br></div><div>Well if that wasn't enough, I decided to rake out the front yard garden, edge the curb, plant some asparagus plants in the back garden and cold framed them. So its no wonder that I am tired....but happy. Oh... one more thing.... I found some New Mom books in the garage and yes, walked across the street to the 'not so nice' neighbor and placed them on the doorstep... there is a new granchild in their family and I thought that the daughter might appreciate the books. The youngest arrived home and I mentioned the books were on the doorstep and she thanked me. Nice deed done.</div><div><br></div><div>This evening I happened to find a little rant above a picture posted from some guy about a bad employee for a company I immediately recognized. FB is not a place to trash someone's business. If you have a problem with an employee in a company vehicle, please call the company to complain directly to them and not the entire internet!!! It doesn't make you any better than the one who was rude in the first place. I just happened to know the owner of the business and emailed the individual who posted it on FB asking them to contact the company instead of posting it. The two men who started the business had nothing and built it up over the years and have since provided excellent service and created new jobs. Please always be mindful and think before you ink.</div><div><br></div><div>Wednesday..... the neighbor lady promptly placed my books in a cheap plastic bag and sat them on my wet mucky front lawn with a note attached to it. So my good intentions were a big slap in the face and I was really upset with not only the note but the damage to expensive books I could have given to someone else or they could have without saying a word to me. So when I did ask her why she put the books on my soaking front lawn.... she simply screamed across at me "wacko, stupid wacko for 2 minutes until my husband pulled into the driveway at which point her and her husband went into their home. Well, I did try to be nice and now I will just simply ignore them and secretly pray they move away.... far.....far......away. My friends are worried they will start to harass me about my urban garden.... well, I guess we will wait and see.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-10299372366203385102014-03-18T07:33:00.001-07:002014-03-29T18:25:14.461-07:00..... radiation into week 2......... will only involve the liver this week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I had three last week on the same days plus the neck radiation every day. The 'finger pain' has subsided and I can now touch my neck. The sternum is still sensitive to the touch and until last night, I was unable to find a comfortable postition for sleeping. <div><br></div><div>Sunday brings my wonderful sister-in-law Debbie and her lovely children Brooke and Ethan. She spoils my children!!! Oma and Grandad are also visiting and while we were all sitting around, William called!! A regular family reunion!!! It is so good to see all of them. Debbie, we don't see as often as we want to so we are hoping to head up to visit them in the summer. I wasn't feeing well but certainly way better when they all arrived!! Xoxoxoxox. Thank you for always being so loving and sweet. </div><div><br></div><div>Today I saw my medical oncologist after my treatment. He asks me if I can feel my lump still. Yes I can. It has popped above the clavicle and feels like a hard marble. Apparently it is supposed to feel softened. Well, this one still feels hard.... and I am pretty sure that it is just slighty smaller. He tells me that I will have a CT scan in 4 weeks with contrast to see what is going on. My liver? Well, it feels full on the right side just under the rib cage. Dr. Locke explains that the liver can eventually grow new tissue over the lesion completely covering it. He reminds me that there were only two lesions found in the last CT scan... he is hoping, as am I, that there are no more lesions. I know he has to be optimistically careful. The bottom line here is optimistic, something I have always been. I am just deeply grateful for this opportunity.</div><div><br></div><div>I am in the kitchen talking to Max about my appointment. He wants to know as well why the lump has not subsided or softened. All my research and consultation with the doctor would indicate that it might be swollen from the blast it took from the high level of radiation. This should resolve itself over the next few weeks as the cells continue to die. The finger like protrusions of the tumor should separate from its anchor point on the carotid artery once this begins to happen. As I am explaining this to Max I tug gently on the lump and can feel a pop under my fingers. The feeling is remarkable and frightening at the same time. OMG what if I just ripped it out of the artery and I start bleeding????? Max doesn't see anything but I hold my breath anyway and my imagination goes wild. If the tumour had stayed, that is what it would have eventually done but Geez....what have I done??!!! Deep breath, deep breath..... touching, touching.... nothing hurting, no swelling.... whew!!! While there is still finger touch sensitivity to a few spots on the neck and sternum, but I am no longer in pain. </div><div><br></div><div>I check my arm later and note that it is fine. Lucky me that the Valient machine is programmed to be exact pin point accuracy with the radiation beam, which likely saved me from permanent nerve damage in the left arm. I still have neuropathy in both hands from chemo but other than that, nothing to report. While my doctor did not sound enthusiatic yesterday, I think he is just concerned about what may come. He and I know that the metastasis could have spread to anywhere in my body but we know that it also may not have. Time will tell. There will be a CT scan in 4 weeks with contrast to see what shows up. They will be looking as well for other areas of metastasis and what is left of the tumours they radiated. I will know the results a week later. Then, three months after that one, I will have another one. This one is the important test - it will definitively tell what, if any disease remains. We will cross that bridge when we get to it!!</div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime..... we have a visitor from my friend Teri in the United States. She has mailed me a Flat Stanley from a child of a friend of hers. He arrived yesterday and has already settled in.</div><div><br></div><div>DAY 1 - Hailey's Flat Stanley</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-OFbpign-HLY/UysEeTmvP9I/AAAAAAAAAms/2RUegxNM-JQ/s640/blogger-image--1830517895.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-OFbpign-HLY/UysEeTmvP9I/AAAAAAAAAms/2RUegxNM-JQ/s640/blogger-image--1830517895.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Copywrite: Marita DeVries March 21, 2014</div><div><br></div><div>Stay tuned for more Flat Stanley Adventures!! Today is the first day of Spring... and it is snowing!!! All in keeping with the snow that has stayed since it first arrived in November. We are all looking forward to spring coming soon... and it can't come fast enough!!!</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030950036122114642.post-82564019583615906482014-03-13T02:29:00.001-07:002014-06-24T19:26:10.007-07:00...... another sleepless night........... I roll over onto my left shoulder and the dull roar turns into a deep pain through the shoulder and radiates across into the chest. I shift to find a more comfortable position and am met with more pain. I can only manage to be comfortable sitting upright. There are so many tender spots it would be difficult to pinpoint which one hurts more when I shift again. I get up to go to the washroom and decide that there is nothing more I can do but get up and walk around. <div><br></div><div>Uncle Paul and Mitchel are up watching a StarTrek movie. It is 3:30 in the morning. I put on the kettle and settle in to watch the final half hour. The boys head up when it is done. I cradle the warm tea and decide to watch the last Die Hard movie. Its no use trying to get to sleep until after my early morning appointment in radiation. I will need to get some rest before class this afternoon. I have come to count on the feeling of deep fatigue within a few hours of treatment. I have to learn to pace myself and do only what I have to do these next few weeks. </div><div><br></div><div>I contemplate having something to eat but decide against it. I have been a little queasy for the past few days.... it has been a bit challenging this week and I am tiring quickly. I think this next week, I will keep a low profile. I have to conserve what little energy I have left in order to cope over the next week. I have 4 treatments left. This morning I had a treatment which went better than yesterday but the pain is still there. The Radiation technician has offered to get a prescription should the pain get worse. I am trying not to take anything but I will have to take something tonight in order to get comfortable enough to sleep.</div><div><br></div><div><b><i>Friday 14th March....</i></b></div><div><b><i><br></i></b></div><div>Today I am in to have radiation on both the neck and liver lesion. I get cozied in for the first treatment when we all notice the machine is quiet.... it is offline and has completely shut down. Up I get while they call the tech to come in and reset a tripped emergency stop. I would love to watch the tech work as this is right up my alley. The radiation technologist lets me know that I can ask the tech group if I can be there the next time they pull one apart for maintenance.... I would totally love that!!! I go back out into the waiting room until the machine is up and running. A few minutes later, the radiation technologist comes back to call me into the suite again. I turn and wish the man in the chair a few over from me the best of luck.... his days are numbered and the yellow pallour of his skin tells me it isn't good. He is getting radiation to keep the pain in check while the cancer continues to invade his entire body. He was first diagnosed in his youth and as he says.."it was when I was stronger and able to handle the treatments and the illness". But we both agree that there is ultimately a price to be paid every time you go through treatments. He has already lost a kidney. We have both gained an appreciation for what we do have. It reminds me of a student the other day complaining and telling me that only bad things happen to him..... I looked at him and let him know that while he feels that way some days... he is talking to the wrong person. He sheepishly and quietly apologized.</div><div><br></div><div>I can feel the heat today in both the shoulder and the liver. I think about how grateful I am to be in this position and in this city to have this opportunity. This trial is being monitored carefully by my medical oncologist who will meet with me after today's treatment to touch base with me.</div><div><br></div><div>After my treatment, I head down the hallway past the Tim Hortons to the patient examination rooms to meet up with my medical Oncologist. The nurse steps into the examination room and goes over a few details. Are you in any pain. Yes. I am having a difficulty sleeping because of the pain in the shoulder. Dr. Locke walks in a few minutes after the nurse called up to his office. The radiation department had inadvertently booked the wrong doctor. He is dressed in his jeans and a black sleeved cotton shirt. He smiles at me and begins to ask me some questions based on what the nurse has conveyed to me. What kind of pain? Is it finger pain? <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">..that means that when I touch with my finger in certain spots on my neck, it elicits pain - a sharp nerve pain. He reaches over and touches my neck and I jump. Yup, that hurts like hell... but I tell him that it is a small price to pay if this works. His concern is that the nerve will be permanently damaged and leave me with an arm that doesn't work. He notes the neck is swollen and this should resolve itself a week after treatments... the lymph might not be able to drain which might expain the puffiness. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Dr. Locke then gives me instructions on how to check for permanent nerve damage. Fold the arms like you are doing the chicken dance. Use your right hand and try to push the left elbow down. We are looking for weakness. Stretch out the hands and pull the fingers back on the left hand with the right hand - this while trying to push back with the left hand... again looking for weakness. The last test is to continue to check the upper arm for any numbness at all. That would involve just gently scratching the nails over the skin. He is running through my file when I notice the CT pictures. He shows me the first series of pics which are the cross section of the lesion in the neck. The target of colours illustrates the level of radiation that is being applied and the safe margins. I ask about my liver. He flips over a few pages and shows me the lesion and the target of where the radiation pattern is. He lets me know that the radiation specialist that planned out the radiation spent a great deal of time poring over the exact process and level of radiation that would hopefully completely erradicate the lesion. He points to the artery that enters into the liver and branches off, only you can't see where it branches because of the lesion. I note this as he traces the path with his finger. If your lesion crosses this artery, the liver will essentially fail and it will be over. It is a painful way to die. He looks up at me and says there are no guarantees that there are no other lesions forming anywhere else and that they are only doing the two lesions that have shown up that the chemo was unable to deal with. With cancer, you can sometimes knock out the majority of the cells but a few remain, left to grow until there are enough cells to be visible on a CT scan with contrast.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Dr. Locke indicates that a CT scan with contrast four weeks after the procedure will show how well the radiation worked. Three months after that (one year after this 2nd journey began) another CT scan with contrast will show if there are any other lesions that have formed after chemo (which started in July 2013 and ended in October 2013) and if the current lesions have been erradicated. If there is no lesion found on the scan, I will be declared...... holding breath.......cured. My doctor looks at me with such a cherubic grin "you know, you are different... and ... we are hoping that you will be done with this journey". I agree on both and smile back. I trust him with my life....literally. I am a pragmatic woman and he knows that I had balanced all the possibilities before this part of the journey began and I am clear about what might happen to me in the short and long term.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">I will be diligent in tracking the arm to see if there is any nerve damage on a daily basis. It takes about 24 hours after treatment to see what that treatment did. The pain in my side will subside by tomorrow.... at least I hope so. The pain I have right now is such a small price to pay if this in fact turns out to be a cure. I will have 2 days in between the last treatment and the next treatment. There are only three treatments left on the schedule this coming week.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">In the meantime, I will be getting ready for the college open house on the 22nd as one of the program presenters and will also be demonstrating surface mount technology in soldering techniques along with our Lab technologist Sara. I am still working on the projects for our young girls visiting the college in May to be one of a number of women showcasing possible future career choices. On the home front I am still working on my urban garden. Max has come up with a design shaped like a flower with above ground boxes that form the part of the petals and a trellis in the center of the flower. Teri, an American FB friend is sending a flat Stanley my way this week and I am excited to show 'Flat' around some of my favorite places. This Thursday I am debating on the show 'Toe2Toe' on Rogers to be aired the following week. I am studying and presenting as the opposition. This is round 2 and I am hoping to win and go on. Life for me continues while I have a parallel life as a patient. I don't let the two cross over. Life is short enough without having to worry about what may come. I am living a life in the present moment. I am enjoying the time gifted to me. Life is simple. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">I am watching the Avengers tonight and Stark has this electromagnet sunk into his chest to prevent the shrapnel in his chest from perforating his heart. He is always clearly aware of the imminent danger to his mortal self but yet has an amazing sense of humour, takes risks and lives his life to the fullest..... he is not just a 'superhero' but essentially what I aspire to be in my own life - knowing the danger yet willing to take the risk to gain a life worth living.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">You can follow my urban garden blog on: http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Please have prayers for my friend Melina as she continues her chemo journey with a new concoction. I saw her this week entering the clinic as I was leaving... she is ill and fighting as hard as she can. Please send her positive vibes!!!!</font></div><div><br></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Next friday is the final day of my treatments and a follow up by Dr. Locke.... until then, take care of each other and live your life today and live it happy.</font></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07657150902167204424noreply@blogger.com0