.... beach day

..... I went to bed late and took no Melatonin - I figured I could go to sleep and stave off the nerves that have been at me all day...... I must have fallen asleep at some point through the night because my molars ache from being ground but I am now wide awake and it is 4:15 am. My breast is still swollen and pains me as I roll over and I can feel my heart beating through my ribcage as if it could get away if it weren't for the ribs keeping it in check..... the hardest part of this journey seems to be the waiting.

Wednesday 5th August.....

Today is Lydia's second day out at the summer reading camp and she is liking this newest adventure in her summer. She is missing Day Camp and her many trips and adventures but this is just great with her because she is once again amongst her peer group and able to spend afternoons with us. I am so grateful that her distractions are keeping her busy and giving us something to talk about. Uncle Paul waits with us by the doors to pick her up but I get to drop her off in the mornings - just the two of us. We hold hands as we walk to the doors and take the opportunity to chat about anything and everything. She plays on the climbers this morning wearing her skirt and I watch as she gingerly picks her way across the ancient bars on flip flops. The conversation near by is between a woman my age and one much younger - the older woman can't understand why some women get married multiple times and she spits out her disdain for those of us who have..... I am glad for my second marriage because it was to my soul mate and I watch my daughter, our daughter smiling up at me as I walk away from the ladies. She is done playing and it is time to go to the classroom - she grabs my hand and pulls me to her upturned face. ' I love you so much mommy' she says gently and wants me to kiss and hug her all the way to the door and I oblige with just as much enthusiasm.... 'I love you too baby!'

We are going to the beach right after we pick her up at noon and she is asking us as soon as she sees us and squeals with excitement when we tell her the car is packed and ready - we go through the check list of every item and when satisfied that we have everything - she sits back in the seat and smiles. Uncle Paul is with us and so is Mitchel, big brother William is already at Canada's Wonderland with his friends. My children are busy and the summer is going by fast. The day is perfect at Port Stanley and I miraculously find a parking space in the busy lunch hour outside of Mackies. A light wind plays across our face and the water sparkles in the sunlight - life is good!! Uncle Paul is ecstatic and can't believe that we have a beach so close to us... I get to see this day through his eyes. I play on the shoreline with Lydia because the steri strips are still on and I do not want to get my incisions wet in the lake water, at least not yet. We get to eat Mackie fries on the beach and the picnic lunch I have made. We will buy our vegetables for dinner on the way back but forego the trip to Shaw's Dairy for another day. Uncle Paul is so grateful for the wonderful beach day and I am eternally grateful to him for taking the children swimming.

I am looking forward to this evening after supper. Sara and Elaine are coming for a visit at 7 pm but that time comes and goes and the phone rings at 7:30. Not only have they gotten lost but the car that Sara is driving has become uncooperative and is now showing signs of overheating. I can't help but laugh and I am trying to give instructions on how to find me and after talking and laughing with both ladies on the phone I have decided to walk out to the road and flag them down. Within minutes the ladies pull around the corner to park across the street from my house. Laughing and hugging, my friends come through the house to the backyard with Sara's dog Roxy in tow. Thelma (my dog) loves the company and the two of them are tearing around the backyard, drinking out of the newly formed pond and running around the dirt Max has piled in the yard. Across the adjoining yard walks Sue carrying baby Malakai and mommy Vanessa just steps behind..... and Brenda joins the parade through the adjoining gate - the gathering has begun. Hugs and hellos and we all sit to laugh at the antics of dogs and baby!! I am so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life that they would take time out to spend it with me. Thank you all so very much!! We talk about what is coming next and I really can't say much because I can only guess..... it is on my mind and worries me and I sometimes find myself rambling through the conversation. Sue, Brenda, Vanessa and baby Malakai have to go and we wave and hug goodbye - thank-you for coming by and now it is Sara and Elaine that sit with me through the evening. I will miss you gals this fall and the opportunity to work with you both will unfortunately have to wait. My life as I have known it has been suspended indefinitely for now - it has taken a detour and as I sit in my oasis sipping on a glass of wine, I am glad for the friendships and the distractions that the summer has brought. It is time for the ladies to leave and I find myself once again waving bye from the driveway. Gee I hope the car gets you home... Mitch, our neighbor has been kind enough to check on it while we were visiting and topped up the radiator. Even my visitors see what a great neighborhood I live in.... It really is the people that make a place a home.

I catch up on emails and Facebook before calling it a night.... tomorrow will be what it will be and although I am anxious, I will face whatever comes my way with head up and eyes forward (something that Mark always says to me) and have faith in my journey. Thank you to my visitors today, to Mark for his constant support and phone calls, to Uncle Paul for being here for all of us and to my family for being so darn lovable! Thank you to my friends for their kind notes and loving words and to those that are patient with me on days when I am not myself. My strength does not only come from within but also from around me. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox