.... good intentions....

I am restless tonight and I find myself unable to fall asleep... a lot on my mind I guess. Yesterday was incredible with such an outpouring of good wishes, gifts, messages, phone calls and a visit with my Doctor. Dr. Annette Richard is an incredible woman whose capacity to care is remarkable. She ambles up the walkway with her nurse Joanne and peeks around the corner where I am sitting and eating fruit from a gift basket with my children and a neighbor friend. The smiles are infectious and hugs all around, I offer my guests a cup of tea and then realize that they probably have not eaten yet so I offer sandwiches which they reluctantly but gratefully accept.... they do not want to put me out. I prepare one of my favorites - toasted tomato and cheese sandwiches for all the ladies now gathered in my kitchen. Annette wants to know how I am and expresses her surprise and delight that I am so cheerful and out and about. I am not one to sit for very long (unless of course I am blogging) and can easily busy myself with things to do... I have already cleaned my kitchen and have tidied up while Max and his brother worked outside in the morning. They are not at the house but have gone for another trip to the hardware store and my sons have found playmates or other activities to do. Lydia is on her way to the movies with the Day camp. I talk to my doctor about some of the procedures and she wants to know what she can do for me - for now, I am content with just being at home and feeling pretty good. We make arrangements for an appointment early next week so that she can take my bandages off.... there are a few dissolvable stitches holding the multiple incisions together and a series of steri-strips that will help mend the wounds together. It looks like I got hit by a few paint balls filled with blue dye and blood and is a little off-setting to Lydia when she insists on climbing into the bath with me later that day.

I am sleepless mostly because my well intentioned friend turned the conversation I was having with my doctor into another opportunity to discuss her own ongoing medical issues..... I find myself at a loss and try to steer the conversation back to what Annette was here for in the first place... never one to want to hurt anyone's feelings, I did not say anything then but it bothered me... I can usually listen patiently as she discusses these things with me but today was not a good time and not the right moment. Usually Max interferes and is able to steer her onto a different conversation but finds it frustrating when he has to constantly remind her to keep it upbeat and positive and something other than her medical problems. I am concerned for her because I want to help re-direct her energy into something that brings her happiness but right now I am exhausted and can only find enough energy to keep my own and my family's spirits up. I wish you well my friend and I can only hope that the letter I sent you lets you know how much I love you and that I am here for you when you are only up for some light laughter, positive thoughts and a cup of tea for right now.

My cat is purring contently on my lap as he usually does when I sit at the computer in the wee hours of the morning pounding out my thoughts on the keyboard... it is so peaceful in the house and my ideas and thoughts pour out easily.... I don't focus on what is going on with me medically but more so with what is important to me and the moments I hang on to everyday. My children bring me endless joy in the things they say and the affection they show to family and friends. One of my dearest friends, who has been in my life for more than 20 years is also the Godmother to my daughter who lovingly placed a wet one just under her oxygen tube and said hello the day before my surgery when she was visiting with us... my girlfriend never complains but I know she is in agony and is fearful of the moments she cannot get enough oxygen and needs to sit... she has always been my role-model, a true no-nonsense gal who always finds the upside in every situation. Most of us found out quite by accident how serious her condition really is and we are all just there for her. She is beautiful to me and I hug her and sometimes the tank she carts around with her but I don't care - it has now become a part of her and as she gets in her car to leave.... i simply help her to turn it on so she can be comfortable on her drive home.... more giggles, kisses and hugs.... she is off and I am left standing in the road waving to her.... I'll crack you later I say under my breath as I hold my Blackberry close to me... it has become our lifeline in between all the medical appointments we have. She will always be in my soul and always loved.

It is a stark contrast between a woman who can only focus on what is wrong in her world and someone who finds nothing but good in her own despite the desperate position she is in. I am inclined to think that life is better lived in a positive note and to find the joy in all that life has to offer. We all have crosses to bear, it is how you carry it that will make the difference. I do not mind discussing medical stuff - find it rather stimulating and interesting but like everything else... it gets old with repetition. My Dad used to say - 'there is a time and a place for everything'.

I wish to thank my friends for all the wonderful gifts that came to the door and all the well-wishes, cards, emails and letters.... my family is eternally grateful for the tremendous outpouring and love we have all been shown. I have tried to message everyone back and thanked those who posted things on my Facebook profile - what a wonderful communication tool!! I send back to all of you love, best wishes and a grateful heart that you all have helped to make this journey easier for all of us here.

Always,

Marita xoxox