I wanted to touch base within the only format I feel comfortable in right now....
Yesterday’s phone call was not meant to go in the direction it did.... It got out of control at about the same speed that my life did. I was not prepared to let the family know what was going on with me/us and I told you in confidence what I was going through because I trusted you. You are my family and my world and there is nothing that I would not do for you and you for me – I get that. I would have appreciated you asking me if it was OK to let the rest of the family know and although you believe in your heart that they have the right to know, I would have told them in my own time when I was ready. It has nothing to do with being a part of a close family but more in keeping with the simple basic notion that everyone has the right to their own privacy. I was not aware that Max had called you, as I was not aware that he went home for the afternoon while I was at work. I already have removed myself from closest friends in a bid to find some still waters and to not feel so angry at what I feel is an injustice.
Here is what I need right now and I will continue to be candid and open with you......
Please do not repeat what I say to others... If I wanted them to know, I would have told them myself and I have the right to reserve what I say and to whom
Please understand that I am not myself and there will be bouts of anger, frustration and tears.
Please do not say you know ‘exactly’ what I am going through because you really don’t – it is dismissive and will only provoke anger and not what was intended.
Please just sit there when I need a listener.
Please do not recount anyone else’s medical run-down or tell me that it’s no big deal... Betty did this and so could you – I don’t know Betty and couldn’t care a less right now.
Please understand that when I withdraw or get angry – it is not personal. Be patient and let me lead the way.
Please understand that ‘well-intentioned’ is a catch-all phrase to excuse bad behavior and to justify things that are said or done.
To find a phrase that encompasses all that I feel for you would fill this page today and years from now – I LOVE YOU and right now it’s really what I need. It is really soon into my diagnosis and I really need the time to find my feet and I will let you know when I need you to help find them with me, because I will. I wanted to tell the family but at a time that would not compete with our gathering this coming weekend.
I have a new GP – she called me yesterday and is very knowledgeable and will advocate and educate me and my family... She came to me through my good friend Sue who is a survivor of colon cancer. She is coming to the house with a nurse on Monday night and will talk to the children and us and come up with a game plan as to how we are going to deal with what is coming our way. She will know the extent of the cancer as she will have all the results including the MRI that I will have done in the morning. She will guide and take care of me and ensure I get the help we need when we need it. It is her job to inform us and keep us moving forward medically and emotionally. I will continue to let you know what is going on through phone calls if I am up to it and emails when I am not. Either way, you are always welcome to drop by and just be with me as I will be taken out of work in the very near future for what could be a few years if need be........ I will be at a loss but will find what I need to do.
I love you now and more each day,