Saturday, December 7, 2013
..... she twirls and does a quickstep.....
...... on her way down the street. It's a school day and my face is pressed against the window watching Lydia blow kisses towards me and dance as she heads down the road. I watch until she disappears from sight and my heart lurches when I can no longer see her. I often think these days of how much I will miss her when I leave behind this earthly world and how fleeting her childhood has been up to now. I see her head pop around a tree and her broad grin exposing her crooked front teeth. I have memorized every detail of her beautiful face, from her brilliant blue eyes to her scarred chin (an accident when she was three). She is wonderfully funny, sensitive, confident and intelligent. She inspires me each day. A few more steps... and she is around the corner and off to start her day.
Minutes later I realize that my face is still pressed against the window as I am abruptly taken out of my reverie... I turn to answer the phone next to my bed. "hi Mom, I love you!!" she calls merrily through her cell phone. "Hey baby, I love you too!!" I sit on the edge of the bed and reflect on how deeply grateful I am for the wonderful children I was gifted with and how much I want to see them grow up.
It has now been 8 weeks post chemo. Every joint in my body aches. The fasciitis in my feet threaten to take over and I remind myself to choose footwear carefully. I am feeling ancient ...... then I catch a glimpse of myself in the bedroom mirror. My hair is coming in fuzzy and grey. I look as old as I feel..... especially late morning, this morning as I realize that I am not feeling well. I have been fighting a cold and now the sinusitis that has finally taken hold. Every ache, every 'not feeling well' moment scares me. What if the cancer is growing again? What if it is travelling and is now in my aching back? My head hurts...maybe I will have brain cancer next time... when is next time? Tomorrow, next month? My hot flashes are back with a vengence.... making it hard to sleep at night despite taking very expensive pills to try and offset the angst of boiling one minute and wrapping myself the next. Hot, cold, hot, cold..... aaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!! Then after doing way too much this morning.... and feeling waaay too nauseous, I snapped at my daughter. She wants me to drive her to her friend's house for a sleep over and I need to lay down.... it is rare for me to snap at her. She is downtrodden and I quietly ask her to get ready. I will drive her to her friends and then home to lay down. She says she loves me as she slides into the passenger seat. She often slides her hand into mine when I am shifting gears and I can feel her eyes studying the side of my face. "I am sorry you aren't feeling well Mommy and thanks for driving me". You can sense the worry but her smile when I turn my face lets me know that I am loved no matter what. I smile back and let her know how much I love her.
We arrive at our destination and she tries to open the locked door "I know you want to keep me close to you but you have to let me go!!" She grins, leans in to me for a kiss. We kiss and I wave to Pat when she opens the front door. Lydia turns, waves madly and walks through the door. I love you so much. Max was pulling into the driveway just as we were leaving and I arrive back home a few minutes later. He orders me back upstairs to lay down and the tears begin abruptly as I mutter something about being tired of feeling this way..... doing too much when I feel good until I wear myself out.
Will texts me. He is coming home this week and staying for a month and then returning to Gagetown to complete his career training in Artillery. Hard to believe how fast the time has come and gone. Last evening our students celebrated a pizza party with us on the last day of school for this semester. They too will be enjoying an extended holiday before classes start again in the New Year. I will be doing a lot of marking this week and putting in the final grades for the students in this semester. It certainly has been very busy and I expect that next semester will equally busy.
Max has come upstairs with a cup of tea for me.... he sits and holds my hand while I read this blog entry to him. I am truly blessed for the love and support he and the children offer me. My mom sent me an 'In Sympathy' card the other day..... this makes the third card in as many months from her... she travelled half way across the world to see her sister, who has had bone cancer for over 20 years.... for fear that her sister would pass away before they had a chance to see each other one last time..... I live 2 minutes from her and she sends me cards?? Weird but true..... she doesn't want to bother me but leaves phone messages that question MY mental health.... I can thank the eldest for putting those thoughts into the head of my demented mother....this from someone who considers herself a homeopathic healer???? Ah well, I digress and decide to just lay in bed for a little while.
I had lunch with Reinhart, Megan, Joel and his wife Beth on Thursday. The hysterical group texts leading up to our group lunch and the follow up texts through Facebook had me in absolute hysterical fits of laughter. Reinhart is one special guy who has been an avid supporter of Meg and myself as we journeyed through our first cancer diagnosis and I felt that it was time to meet him once and for all. Well, most of us had lunch except Reinhart who has been suffering with an infection which started in one of his teeth..... and..... it began to travel. He stated to us at lunch, that although he couldn't eat anything, he would not have missed the lunch for anything. I think we all felt that way.... so.... it would be more than fair to book another lunch when he can at least enjoy more than just the wafting aroma from the bowls mere inches from him at the table. xoxoxoxox what a wonderful lunch. Reinhart went to the dentist after doing a walking tour through the downtown. He was pretty close to going septic!!! Take care of yourself and make sure you are getting better!!! xoxoxo