Tuesday, October 1, 2013
....... got caught off guard emotionally....
........ even when I promised myself that I would just go to my oncology appointment, get my blood test, meet the doctor and leave...... I cringe when I have to go there and I don't want to chit chat anymore.... but the man sitting across from me has caught my attention........
I had just returned from the blood clinic down the hall. The vein in my elbow is no longer viable so I let the technician know to select one of my hand veins to be poked. It is painful but these gals do such a good job... I hug the technician but not before accidentally hitting the other one in the face as she bends down next to me to pick something up just as I rise from the chair. I give her a hug and apologize profusely......
..... so this man is looking at me and there is just something about him and his soulful blue eyes. Our eyes meet and he asks me what my story is and the tears catch me by surprise when he asks why and how this could happen and why so many..... I tell him that I don't really know and that no one really knows why or how......and then I ask him what his story is. He looks into his lap and back up to me and his eyes have filled with his own tears....... "I am here because its my wife's appointment, only......." he looks back into his lap, takes a breath and looks back into my eyes and he struggles to keep his quiet calm.... "she died on September 13th". The tears well, and break over from their lidded confines and threaten to completely take over. He felt he should at the very least, show up and attend her last appointment.
The nurse walks over to me as I wipe the tears that have run down my cheek. I approach and ask him to stand up and then give him a hug. I tell the nurse when we walk into the exam room that he needs to be taken care of... she feels for his loss and heads over to see him after going through a few questions with me. We live our lives... not bravely... just the best way we can with sometimes limited choices...... my friend Colleen knows that all too well after a long reconstruction surgery and some complications that could have proven fatal. I think about her every day. I think about 11 month old baby Max who is struggling to survive the chemo that is as challenging as the cancer they are trying to eradicate from his swollen body and whose 35 year old father passed away a few days ago. That might be why I yelled at the young mother racing her baby stroller through the intersection as a string of cars began to move towards her with the advance green. Her partner juggling boxes was quick to retort a '&^% you' my way.... I called them buggers but when you are running in front of a moving vehicle it sounds like *&*^er..... I lean back in my car seat and pray for all those souls that struggle every day to make their lives count and shake my head at those that carelessly flaunt theirs, and with this woman whose hurry has disregarded her own baby's life and why.... what was so important that you needed to risk both your lives to cross the road??!
I am feeling sensitive today... tomorrow is round 5 with one round left after that. The doctor tells me that my blood test is so good, it is as if I have not been on chemo.... and she's right, I almost feel like I have not had chemo at all. Just when I am feeling amazing, I will spend another 7 days knowing that I am on chemo. Max knows that I am not looking forward to having my feel good days be rudely interrupted.... again. I am grateful for the chemo working and letting me feel amazing for 1 week out of every three. Life in those moments remind me how sweet life can truly be.... and how I know when I couldn't breathe mere days before my first chemo how suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore than living my days on my terms doing what I wanted to do. I am pursuing my life passion of teaching and being with my family. I decided not to rejoin the Dragon Boat team and issued a resignation last week. I will spend next summer with my family travelling and kayaking on local rivers. Investing time with my family and enjoying local adventures and a desire to spend time travelling out in the east coast when my eldest completes his Artillary training. My children are growing up so fast.
Lydia and I went to see a B-boy movie on Sunday. She held my hand to tell me how much she loved me. I love her so much and I hold her close. This morning I stood on the porch and watched her skip down the road on her way to school. She stopped and looked back to wave and tell me how much she loves me.... I love you too baby.... as my heart and soul join her in her journey to school. She is my motivation...... my inspiration as I watch her twirl, smile and wave. I love her and totally like her. She is so cool.
Tomorrow starts the next 3 week round..... I dedicate my blog to my wonderful family and friends. My deepest condolences to Ameeta on the loss of her Grandmother. To Sarah, whose baby is due sooner than later..... to Sara whose assistance I am deeply grateful for. Sending prayers to Colleen that she heals fast. xoxoxo To baby Max's mommy.... we are perfect strangers but yet your strength, courage and faith are awe inspiring. Sending you prayers and love. To Ameeta who lost her Grandmother, I am glad I could remind you of all the truly cool things about her..... she lived life!!! Sending out my love and hugs to those who really just need to know how important you are to someone else. xo