Western education 2013

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

..... another overcast day......

..... its called foreshadowing in the world of literature and in my life.... its called life.  I woke up this morning after a quiet evening.  Thanks Pat for the wonderful bottle of red wine.... it helped ease me into a deep sleep, free from worry.  I had my cup of coffee this morning and then headed out to visit with Sarah a few blocks from Victoria Hospital.  I let Max know that I was fine to go to the hospital by myself.  I forgot how busy the cancer clinic is mid-morning as I stood in line waiting the get the pager.  Everyone who is a patient at the clinic receives one and you can hear them buzz like an angry hive, complete with flashing LED's when it is their turn.  I am feeling dreadfully quiet and even when I hear first the gong from the radiation department downstairs signaling a last treatment, I do not join in to the clapping.  The gong tolls outside chemo a few minutes later....I still don't clap....I do not want to be here.  There is a young fellow with his friend sitting a few seats away.  He is loud and obnoxious as he describes proudly to his friend all the crazy treatments he has received.  I try to tune him out but finally after describing in detail his runny stools I turn to him and ask him to stop.  He is only quiet for a minute then continues to 'entertain' his friend for everyone to hear throughout the large waiting room.  He is being glared at by a number of patients but chooses to ignore them and continue.  I am grateful when my pager finally drones.  My happy place is not where I left it as I follow the nurse to be weighed and seated in the examining room.

The nurse has decided that I do not need to put the examination gown on because Dr. Locke wants to speak with me first.  She asks me how I am doing and I just shrug...  I tell her that I made peace with myself four years ago when I was first diagnosed.  I am mortal and that is how life is.... we all have to go one day but what counts is what you make of all the days in between.  I know in my heart that the biopsy is positive and when Dr. Locke appears and sits down his look says it all.  It is the same pathology as four years ago.  I put on my game face, ask the standard questions and then ask him what the prognosis is.  So far so good that I found the lump despite being asymptomatic...that is the story of my life... having to be intuitive instead of symptomatic.  The lumps will not be removed unless the cancer makes its way out of the skin so there will be no discussion on surgical procedures done today or anytime soon.  So the main lump stays.  I will meet sometime in the next two weeks with the chemotherapist about what our next move is.  Considering we already went with the big guns in the first diagnosis, it might just mean a little more of the same thing over a longer period of time..... we do not know at this point what we will be doing or what is available.  Dr. Locke asks me if I need to see a spiritual councilor.... no, I will just head home and be by myself for a while.

I am not myself this afternoon and after a number of cups of coffee and little to eat.... my coping skills are not great.  A quick call to Max to come home and just sit with me before Lydia comes home  would be best.  I am not sure quite what to say.....the tears fall too easily today.

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