Wednesday, November 13, 2013
..... a reflective moment at the library...
..... of all places!! I am searching through the True Crime section looking for just any book that catches my eye while Lydia bounds off to the other side of the library looking for anything that catches her eye. Her teacher has an issue with her reading graphic books and children's books.... I think reading grows and with freedom to choose what you are interested in can evolve into a lifelong passion. Reading should rarely be a chore. My fingers run along the spines and catch on a picture book. Ironically, the crime books and the cancer books are in the same aisle... personally, I always thought cancer was a crime!! I pull the book out and leaf through pages of women showing their mastectomy scars. They run the gamut of the very young woman to the post-menopausal woman. Some of the scars are deep and ragged like a gash caused by a sudden rupture in the earth during an earthquake. My own scars are a reminder of my illness every day but I have the fortune of having most of my left breast and all of my right breast. I stand there flipping from one page to the next.... and wonder how this barbaric method still exists and why we cannot treat the tissue with a less dramatic approach?? The smiling faces hide the painful journey that they have gone through along with the emotional and mental anguish of being faced with a life threatening illness. The visible scars hide the ones that even tears could not wash away. The stories speak of loved ones, who could not cope with their partners illness and loss of breast (s), to journey alone, while others spoke of partners who stayed and supported them.
I put the book back and decide that I have no desire to rent any of the books on the shelf and move off to the fiction racks on the complete opposite side of the library. I suppose its in keeping with trying to move forward and dedicate my life to living it on my terms and not living the 'pink' life.... a life where your identity ties closely with the cancer journey. While I don't want to forget the lessons learned along the way, I have the desire to live life a little more consciously and with greater effort to make every minute count. I don't want to wear the pink bling and advertise that I am still surviving .... I want to make an impact on those around me through being a mentor and showing the positive side of a life well lived. I read the obits every day in the paper and count my blessings that I am still here. I am still striving and moving forward in my desire to succeed and create the next step in my career and life journey with my family and closest friends. I am not living in fear these past few weeks.... I am living with hope. I rejoin my daughter who is excitedly rummaging through the graphic novels after finding one based on her favorite show 'Castle'. Like mother, like daughter. I am crazy about her and I love watching her freckles dance on her face as she smiles up at me and squeals excitedly about this new found treasure. A graphic novel that has brightened her day and given her reason to come to the library. In life as in literature, its not about the destination, but about the journey that gives us joy.
Last night Mitchel arrives late. He has been acting in a friend's movie and is excited that they have wrapped it up. I look into his excited eyes and invite him in to talk. Max has gone to bed in the spare room. Mitch and I stay up really late and catch up on so many things.... mostly school things. He is incredibly bright and I give him the caring talk about his smoking and how I hope he does not take drugs now or into the future. He knows by the tone of voice that I am just being a loving Mom. I am deeply honored by the children I have been gifted with. I consider myself the lucky one. While I see some of my characteristics in them, I see them for the people they are and not the ones I think they should be. I memorized his face, note the red stain from the gag blood they used on 'set' and mention the long musical fingers that help him to play his guitar. I do not look forward to seeing my children grow up so fast and will be sad to see them leave the nest when they are ready to go.
This week is a whirlwind of activity and my Max is concerned that I am doing too much again... but really, I am not. I am pacing myself and getting things accomplished in a timely fashion. This afternoon, before I picked up Lydia, I went to get a hearing test. I have passed with flying colours!!! This is for my job at the TVDSB along with other paperwork that needs to be filled out and submitted as soon as I get my security clearance. I have a few more online courses to complete but as soon as I do, I can submit those as well.
Today I cuddled with little Miss Rowynn. She is an absolute doll at 2 weeks of age and Mommy Sarah looks much better with colour in her cheeks and sleep from a baby who takes 5 hour naps. She is a really good mommy and with two babies to take care of while on course, she is also a very busy one. It has been a really good day with lots of smiles and bright faces on this beautiful sunny day. The snow is still in patches in the shade but by tomorrow, we should have some warmer temperatures to enjoy some time outside.
I dedicate this blog to my wonderful family and to my sister, whom I will see really soon!!!! Love you Patricia!!! To my son, who should be returning from the field after a week in tents, and getting ready to graduate this coming week - yay!!!!!!! To everyone else, may you count your blessings and pass along a few to others.