Western education 2013

Friday, May 31, 2013

.... waiting for the phone or anything else to ring.....

..... is making me antsy and uncomfortable.  I have decided to stay home today to work on an essay which is due in a couple of days.  I read my email and FB as my eldest child slips into bed beside me.  He has taken to sleeping over now about 2 nights a week.  I do not discourage him....Mitchel seems to need him now more than ever and he has a calming effect on his younger sibling.  He gives me a peck on the cheek and heads off to shower and go downtown to pick up his bus pass.  I get up, grab a coffee and putter around outside.  The neighbor friend is cleaning her pool.... I do not feel like visiting today.  I am tired like crazy and last night's thunderstorm had my mom's dog Laidee going bezerk in the house.  At one point she dove onto my head abruptly awakening me and would continue to climb into the bathtub or our ensuite shower until the storm subsided.... all night.

I feel like that today....except it is my imagination running amock in my head....whose idea was it anyway to have a coffee while researching cancer prognosis on my iPad?  A friend left me a message on FB about her mother dying of cancer within a year of treatment.... she left it twice, probably thinking i must have missed it somehow.  While I know she meant well, it is difficult to read stories that do not have a successful outcome.... especially when you are waiting for more tests to determine if it is the same cancer or if the game has changed. Thoughts of my mortality plagued me this morning..... it is not a thought process I often entertain but it is always there in the back of my mind.  Yes, I am strong but inside of that thin exterior is a mom who loves her children and is already dealing with their anxiety and fear about maybe losing me.....

When my oncologist called on Monday, he wanted to let me know that I would soon be getting a call to book for a biopsy but to let him know just in the event they didn't call by the end of the week.  It's Wednesday today.... is that close enough to the end of the week?

Thursday brings a friendly face for company on the back deck.  Adrienne has brought a few wobbly drinks to imbibe in.  She is incredibly smart, insightful and is so interesting to talk with.  The time passes so quickly and I invite her back to chill by the pool this summer.  Thank you so much for your company and sending a squeeze to your Mom.  Bring puppy next time!!!

The neighbors gather in the evening for a few drinks on the deck of Mitch and Brenda.  More neighbor friends join in to the laughter and good times.  I am tired tonight.... as usually but I want to stay.  William asks to be dropped off to his girlfriend's house, he is not feeling well.... emotionally he, like my other children, is coping but you can see physically he is not doing as well as he says he is.  Mitchel is keeping his friends close and Lydia is attached to my side while we are shopping earlier in the evening.  They touch base with me a few times a day.  Later, my fatigue plays out when I move Max's van in the neigbors driveway and rub the bumper across the rear wheel well of our gracious host's son's car.  I make a note to speak to him in the point ruining everyone's sleep....

It is Friday today.... I called to let my doctor know that I still have not heard the wait continues into another week.... no stress.  I spoke to my neighbor's son and offered to pay the bill to have his car looked at and repaired.  He says he's not worried.... no, but I am and will make it right. My wonderful friend Kelly drops in.  I adore and love her so much..... we have been friends for many years and I can see why... she always tells me, from the heart, what she thinks....she does not hold back and I always love that candid honesty.  She has a hard time understanding why I will always try to offer the first apology in a situation.... or why I have a strong desire to always try to do the right thing when I sometimes get hurt for the effort.  She's not the only one!!!  I am deeply blessed by the people in my life....I just have to learn to not expend my valuable energy on anything else but spending time with those that value it.

I was reading my FB today and noticed a young reporter Scott Miller, whom I worked with for years when I was at CTV has been diagnosed with testicular cancer.  Cancer does not discriminate and for this young man and his young is devastating news.  He has made it a public announcement and knowing him, it is because he is always interested in helping to educate others through his news stories....this time the story is about him.  I will pray for him and his family for a positive and healthy outcome.

Today, I hung out my laundry, did homework, had lunch with Sarah who had an ultrasound today of baby #2.... life goes on.  Sending out my love and hugs to my family and friends....

I dedicate this blog to Scott Miller as he enters a new chapter in his life, to Sarah and her new baby (boy is my guess), Kelly and her adorable Michael.... and of course to my beautiful children and soul mate.

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