Tuesday, September 8, 2009
... and more pain...
.... today I am seen by my nurse and she is unsettled by the pain I am experiencing and the slight swelling that has made it into my thumb.... it is excruciating to raise my arm any higher than parallel to the floor and I wince when showing her just how far I can reach.... she is encouraging me to take pain medication and of course I will when it becomes unbearable...
The weekend was filled with friends on Saturday - our annual neighbor party.... four households get together and eat, drink and play horseshoes. I will not be teaming up this year as I shift my weight to find comfort for the arm that has now begun to throb.... if I hold it at a 45 to my hip then it is manageable. Lydia tries to cuddle in but I need to move her over to my lap and away from my side. The feeling I have is sketchy at best under my arm with it ranging from no feeling to something akin to a facial numbing by the Dentist... that near tingly feeling just before the freezing takes. Sometimes it feels like a bug crawling up the back of my shoulder and I find myself scratching skin that feels taught and swollen but with little feeling. I wonder if I have over-extended my arm somehow as I struggle to stretch out the pain in my arm which will progress in its path towards my wrist creating alarm in Maureen today.
It is the first day of school and I have made a breakfast for champs - eggs, bacon, fresh blueberries and cheese bread toast. Will got up in time but unfortunately missed the breakfast I started later than intended.... no matter how early I get up... I seem to lack the energy and drive that would have timed this venue for everyone... sigh!! I am sitting and eating at the table and note the neighbor lady walking her daughter to school early this morning.... I ended our friendship 8 weeks ago and feel some angst as her head bobs past the window and disappears. Our daughters are friends and were in the same class last year.... Lydia misses her friend. I am encouraging her to play and maintain their friendship but for now, mommy needs to do her thing. I feel horrible for ending the friendship but I know that right now, I do not have the energy to listen to her constant recounting of her medical issues - it is negative energy that saps mine and I am exhausted. I wish with all my heart it was different but I need to keep me going and fight off the boredom of now being at home, in pain and feeling completely disconnected from my world.... I go on Facebook but even that is making me crazy. I am resolving myself to get the children's scrapbbooks done this week whether I feel like it or not. Uncle Paul is here and is great company to watch TV with and eat snacks.... I really need to stop the snacks. After sorting out Lydia's class and in what line she needs to stand in, Paul and I turn to leave and note that the neighbor lady is ahead of us and looking back. I mention her daughter's allergic reaction evident as spots on her tiny face and then introduce Paul who is in pace beside me... something about him assisting me since my surgery two weeks ago... she wants to know if I am OK... I assure her that I am but hesitate saying anything else. We bid each other bye and head off in separate directions...... maybe one day we will meet in the middle but first..... I need to focus on healing and to have patience with how slow the progress is after this second surgery.
Max has taught today and we share our day upstairs laying on our bed with the dog, cat and Lydia.... I do not want her to know I am in pain and when she leaves for snack time I get a chance to let him know that I just want my life back..... I miss the busy pace of my career, my students and the daily interactions with friends and co-workers. I can honestly understand how depression can kick in and I find myself making arrangements to go on a daily walk and to occupy my time with things that challenge me beyond sorting laundry and loading a dishwasher....... it would be great if I could only paint my bedroom with the gallon can of Sage sitting in the front hall closet - I bought it a week before my diagnosis. I will drag out a book but know that I will not sit still long enough to read it. Crosswords do keep my head busy - I need to walk to the bookstore and pick up another - hah, a goal for tomorrow!! :)
Sending out best wishes and hugs to all my friends and the little people they have escorted to their first day of school. Butterfly kisses to Miss Claudia who has broken her wee arm on the climbers today and hope she heals fast and hugs to mommy!! Thank you for all the wonderful notes and messages that mean so much to me. I am blessed and humbled by all the love. xox