Thursday, April 15, 2010
.... falling out
I was warned that this might happen and really in most cases it is to be expected.... the fall out - the moment you realize that your emotions have finally caught up with your reality and you feel like you are just lost. That moment culminated from many different incidents over the years and a number of ones over the past few weeks beginning with the emails calling for a replacement tech for me and then the handing over of office keys and cell phone when they found one.....
No, I am not OK.... there, I said it. I will be though, I just need some time to sort it all out... you see, I am done all my treatments but am still not well enough to make it through the day without being in pain or feeling exhausted and not being able to sleep has worn me down. I am caught somewhere in the middle with no direction right now - being an A personality, this makes things more difficult...... missing the routine and the interactions with others face to face. Yesterday was difficult emotionally prompted by a few incidents over the past few weeks that left me feeling isolated and battered. Max is too busy these days and is not interested in listening without trying to fix the problem or offer advice on the few tidbits he does absorb in between supper and marking school projects.... he thinks that I am all better and now life can return to normal. It is frustrating trying to get his attention for any more than a few minutes and I give up and go to bed.... I have been crying most of the afternoon but the make-up hides most of that. I am feeling isolated. I am doing such a good job of putting on my make-up that most people have assumed that I am good to go. I am strong and resilient... just not this week and maybe not for the next few weeks. I will sort it all out though, of this I am sure, I always do.
The rawness of my emotions unsettles me some days... one day I am busy with appointments and the next I am handed a form letter outlining the 'if you notice any of the following symptoms, please contact your care provider' but with no further instructions on how to cope when the door is closed and the other one hasn't opened yet? I am not ready for counseling because part of me won't accept that I need it and the other part knows that it will sort itself out with time and experience. I have not had to go through a period of time where I had no goal other than getting up and enjoying a cup of coffee on the back porch - there's a voice in the back of my head that reminds me to look at the clock and get ready for something? what? I go to yoga and art therapy and the people at Wellspring look at me with knowing glances and add that they understand and offer up that not many, other than people going through this cancer journey do. Even those with relatives or loved ones understand that something is lost to those that survive and to them whose spouse or loved one did not. Life takes on a different dimension and the pettiness of the past few days, although irritating, pale in comparison to what I have already experienced. The anger comes with knowing that I have been kicked when I am already down. This is just part of a journey that has almost come full circle and I have to remember to be patient, kind and understanding with myself. I will take the best of what history has taught me in my life and move forward in my 'new' life with greater awareness of what is important and what is not. Some aspects of my life are worn out and like a favorite sweater, need to be carefully and lovingly disposed of to make room for something better.
I put my HeartWish out there again and hope that it comes to fruition... knowing what you want makes it easier to recognize it when it comes. Life is simple, it's us that complicates it.
I met a lovely lady named Brenda at the Dentist office while reading the news article about Megan who has become a friend of mine through our shared breast cancer journeys and whose paths we crossed while doing chemo. Megan's picture shows her beaming face sporting the fuzzy head so much like my own. She finished chemo the day after me. I love her so much!! Brenda leans over to me and asks what cancer I have and I let her know it is breast cancer.... she proudly states that she is 3 years cancer free from Leukemia and shows me her thick luxurious pony tail.... you know it will all grow back and maybe better too, she says. Brenda tells me that she has had no one to speak of that has travelled with her through her journey for the exception of one lady that she met and who later died.... she wells up and the tears spill down her cheeks while I go in search of the kleenex box for both of us. Her journey was so isolated with a month of chemo in the hospital when she was unable to hold her children because her immune system was off-line and then later to go through a year of healing without much interaction from anyone in the same journey. We have swapped emails and I have told her to keep in touch and let me know how you are doing...... I know some of what she feels but consider myself very fortunate for the family and friends that I do have.
Thank you to the kind and loving friends who braved the storm with me and stuck it out, even when it wasn't easy, and stood behind me anyway!! I am truly blessed and hope that one day, I can be there for them. You know who you are and I love you all so much. Always, Marita xoxo