.......... and I am beyond comprehension......
It has been a trying journey and knowing how difficult the last chemo round was made me question whether I should be doing the last round if the CT scan showed significant changes in my lymph nodes. I had a dream a few days ago and after speaking to a cafeteria worker who found out that she did not have to have her last chemo as a result of a clear CT scan. She offered to pray for me and I gladly accepted. As a matter of fact... there were so many family members and friends who were collectively sending best wishes and hope. So on Wednesday, it was time to get a blood test in the cancer clinic and head in for a meeting with a deep breath and fingers crossed....
Dr. Eisenhower stepped into the exam room and i asked her right away if I absolutely had to do the last chemo treatment. She looked at me and said "we were hoping you would ask us that". She smiled and said "not if you don't want to". Yesssssssss!!!!! Prayers answered. Most women would be told to continue through all 6 treatments as per the trials they ran but in this case as in others, there is no reason to continue with the nodes being normal size. There are a few areas they are watching closely and will continue to watch closely over the months to come to see if they change. My counts are a little low which explains the fatigue of the past few weeks. I had a difficult time coping with the last round of chemo and perhaps it is time to see if the immune system can handle the job. A CT scan in three months will show any changes.... and life as we know it will be forever changed.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that I have my reservations and my deep seated fears of it coming back. I know that I am considered very fortunate in now my second journey and I am keenly aware that deep down inside, it can decide to grow again and stretch farther to places beyond reach. While I am even more eager to find normalcy and to get on with my life.... part of me has to hold back and consider where my priorities are and how I want to live my life.
I have been instructed to stay the course of what I have been doing - resting when I need to, eating properly, staying positive and of living my life in a way that allows me to have the time I need to accomplish these goals. Living a stress free life means - not burning the candle at both ends, doing physical activities that bring me happiness and being emotionally intelligent. Long gone are the days of wanting to compete on a team. Instead, I will pursue academic interests and project development. I have a number of electronic projects waiting to be built, a raspberry Pi processor with an arduino interface..... I have been wanting to play for a while. I also want to continue with my sewing projects, needlepoint and beading projects.... an expression of who I am and an opportunity to make something that brings joy to others. I know that I have chosen well in my career and I love teaching.... especially showing the students the tricks and tips of a lifetime of skill building and experiences.
Speaking of teaching.... I have an interview with the school board next week for just occasional teaching in the high school tech programs. The experience of a job interview is exciting to me and I am not nervous.... weird but true.. Today, I just signed up for a one day course in Toronto next week. I will be travelling with a colleague. While I may be considered disabled because of my illness by the medical establishment, I am one of many women who choose to continue to work and educate ourselves. I love what I do and being involved with work has been very cathartic for my healing.
Being involved in creating curriculum and teaching something that I really love to do is so important. I was asked a number of times how it is that I was able to teach while going through chemo..... it was easier to work than it was to stay home. Staying home in my last journey lent itself to boredom and a sense somehow that I was living on the outside of society. It is a mental game and is closely tied to emotional well being. I think for me, cancer is closely tied to the immune system which when it is under long-term stress only needs a catalyst to trigger it to outgrow the pace of the immune system's ability to control it. The last two years have been stressfull and filled with occassions that need not have happened or better avoided. Fast forward to today and I work with two amazing women who are incredibly supportive and who are wonderful to hang with and a department filled with some pretty wonderful people who have made my journey better than expected. To my students, who have been wonderful and fun to teach. In short, I am lucky for so many reasons and so many people......
The next 3 months will go by quickly and I will be on edge the closer we get.... CT scans or an MRI with contrast will light up tumours to indicate a growth.... we hope that day never comes again. In the meantime, I will rely on my intuition that has been pivotal in letting me know when something is not right. A number of my friends who have been diagnosed with stage 4 know that they ignored their intuition and symptoms... if you are not sure, put aside your fears and just have it checked out. Lumps and bumps are not normal..... have them checked out. Unusual deep fatigue, a change in eating habits (cravings for carbs and sugars), aches with no obvious reasons (neck, shoulder, rib pain),noticeable shortness of breath, super itchy spot that has no obvious signs of dry skin or rash, a cough that doesn't go away or a cold that lasts way longer than it should. A general feeling of malaise and a feeling that something is just not right. Poor sleeping or eating habits can add to your immune stress. Unusual weight loss.
Keep a health log that allows you to monitor subtle changes. My first symptoms started last October but were masked by a busy school schedule. What I failed to do was recognize that I needed to take better care of myself. Listen to your body, rest and eat well. Reduce sugar or eliminate it all together and keep the weight off by limiting the carbohydrates. Learn about ph balance. Keep only people in your life that bring you joy. I will continue my blog.... and pray this is my last cancer journey....
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