...... a day in the fog....

.... I have been up about a half-dozen times through the night.  The dogs and most specifically the cat hold a vigilance by my bed about a week into each chemo.... the gatekeepers of my soul should it decide to escape.  They know something is wrong, only they don't know what and so their constant presence can be quite disturbing when they want to keep nudging me at all hours as I lay in a psuedo- sleep.  Last night I went to bed deeply exhausted after spending a few hours marking papers.  The exhaustion is deep and a malaise sets in.  My head is in a deep fog and it has separated itself from my body as I stagger up the stairs to lay down.   I am in the spare room so that my foot wagging doesn't keep my husband up.  It is also so he doesn't have to worry about me in the middle of the night when I drag myself out to go to the washroom or find something to eat to quell the boil that begins to errupt in my belly.

I am lying on my back and the pressure in my chest is ridiculous.  The belly is grossly bloated from the steroids and a now lethargic digestive system.  I still have to bring in nutrients, quell the boil in the belly and yet balance it with foods that will digest easy and move along quickly.  Fresh veggies and fruit are best in these moments but they cause gastric issues as well..... it is a balancing act.  I still drink a tablespoon of chlorophyll in the morning to help things along and it seems to be the only thing that works well.  The pressure doesn't let up and I find myself up and about in the wee hours of the morning.  A friend Steve from England notes that I am up and awake on FB and we chat for a bit until he is drawn into domestic chores by his room mates.  They love his accent..... you just have to laugh at that.  I head back upstairs to the spare room for another attempt at sleep and find the cat is restless all over me and the dogs have yet again come to announce that I should likely feed and send them out for a quick pee.  I pull my weary body back out of the bed and experience the out-of-body-try-to-focus on what I am doing.  I manage to feed them, water them and send them out..... then back upstairs to bed.  I can hear Max a little while later trying to feed them again and I pull myself to the door of the bedroom to let him know that they have been attended to..... back to bed.  I am now in bed typing on my bluetooth keyboard on my iPad after having about the 6th nap this morning.  This is what retirement must feel like????!!!!  

Yesterday I called my sister-in-law Debbie. We can talk for hours and hours and we did.  We always have so much to say.  She is amazing.  She is candid, honest and frankly, a breath of fresh air... she just says what she thinks and I love her for that.  We laugh, we chat about everything and catch up as best as we can.  I wish she lived closer to us. After 2 hours, I pass the phone off to Max who chats with her for another half hour.... Debbie.... move closer, will yah!!!!  

I spoke to my mother earlier in the day and yes, her dementia is deepening.  She feels somewhat badly that she is unable to help me and because of the issues with my eldest sister, she is hesitant to 'bother' me.  It's no bother we insist.  Max is always here to help you should you need him.  He takes the phone and reminds her of this.  We talk for about an hour to catch up.  I had spoken to her a month ago and insisted that she just focus on herself and her retirement and that we would worry about ourselves.  She is too old to really be helpful and what is the point?  I do see her but only on occassion.... the grief my eldest sister has caused my family has damaged a lot of what we had initially when Mom first moved in.  I ask Mom about Dad..... I miss him more than words can express.  It was recommended to stay away due to the high incidences of illnesses on the nursing home floors at this time of the year.  I will see you soon Dad, promise.  I love you and miss you so much and I think somewhere in your soul, you already know that.  I miss our Corona nights and reading bedtime stories to you.... I miss holding your hand and laughing with you.... I just plain miss you. xoxo

I sent off an email to my other sister-in-law after getting off the phone with Debbie.... 

My daughter has another sleep-over...these are quite common these days and we don't mind.  Chemo week sucks for my children and they need to have their own distractions.  Lydia has taken to cooking and her friends are all for stuffing about a zillion chocolate chips into my pancakes this morning.... I have not had any sugar in my diet and my tongue sings with the sugary rush.  Yuck... oh well, I eat it up.  I used to love sugar and especially chocolate... now, I avoid it like the plague.  My oncologist has warned me off of sugar and says my cancer loves it.... good to know.  I try not to eat anything that converts quickly to sugar so I have reduced my breads and other carbohydrates.  I feel better and I have lost some weight.  The nurses don't like it when you lose weight... it is usually a bad sign unless there is good cause to warrent the loss.  Well, it looks like nap #7 is due.... with that....

Be good to yourselves and each other.  Remember to be kind and to show respect to others... you never know what their life journey is.....