.... the online commentary game....

This week I noticed an article on Business Week with regards to Monsanto.... you know, the makers of DDT, PCB's and who are now creating GMO seeds....

..... so, I learned a lot about online commenting.  There are those who are called Trolls or Shills... people whose soul purpose is to create controvery on online forums while sometimes getting paid to do so.  They quote articles they have sourced online to back up their points, they often times use sarcasm and 'humour' to rile up anyone who would challenge them.....

....... so, I riled a few of them.... I wanted to know what exactly they were all about and I had some interesting responses.

Michael - with enough banter I was able to discern this young man as being a bored high school student who thought it was hysterically funny to throw out casual insults throughout the internet on various topics from vaccinations to Monsanto.  When he was flailing in his arguments, I simply cast the net and used his own tactics against him.... he was not amused and when I finally nailed him with re-posts of his from many of the sites he had been on... his only retort was that I had no sense of humour.  According to what I could learn of him through my research... his parents immigrated to the States.  So this is how he shows respect to the adoptive country he now calls home and to the people whom live in it??  This is the better life his parents wanted for him??

Rob - This individual is intelligent and I got the feeling that there was something within his posts that were sensitive, almost defensive..... with poking, I learned that he came from a poor farming past and that his distinct belief and trust in advancing GMO technology was what was fueling his posts... he thought I wanted to live in the past where all farming continued in the old ways and back to a very difficult existence.... he couldn't have been more wrong.  I am anti-Monsanto, not advancing technologies unless of course they continue to splice animal/insect DNA into our food and then I have an issue with that.  He spent more time throwing websites, quotes and opinions at me to support his beliefs.... and in one site, when it appeared he was losing an argument he replied that he was at least getting paid $1 per post by Monsanto.  Whether he is or he is not... the internet is not forgiving according to the fellow he complained openly to about me pointing this out..... we ended our debate amicably and respectably.  I have learned much from this individual about presenting an argument and debating it.... and also learning to think twice before posting once.  

Hyper____ - this guy is interesting and I get the sense that he is very intelligent, blended with an open mind but firm in his convictions.... he is also sensitive.  It took insults and poking to get to the real deal with him - I needed to know where exactly he stood in his beliefs with respect to GMO's and Monsanto without the constant barrage of quotes and condescending remarks.  It turns out he lost a sister to cancer recently and this revelation took us in a different direction immediately.  I apologized for poking him and gave my deepest condolences.....but I truly needed to understand his strong rebuttles against those of us who were anti-Monsanto.  He doesn't support Monsanto but supports GMO in order to simplify farming and create a better environment - that I understand.  We were able to communicate a few more times... and this time with respect and kindness towards each other.... perhaps one day we will banter on another forum.

Elizabeth..... sweet, young and naive.... thinking that big companies were making developments for the soul purpose of advancing and bettering our society.  She makes statements that are not well researched and based on her own limited knowledge.... she makes up the majority of people posting on these sites.... She states what her credentials are but they don't necessarily match what is stated on her profile.... it's a defense mechanism used to tell me she has more knowledge than she does.  When pressed, she calls me nasty.... I tell her to firm up her point of view.... later, she changes her name to protect her identity.  It has taught me to carefully research before posting... Elizabeth/Jane has learned that lesson the hard way.

Chris - a random disrespectful comment "people get cancer and die..... and that is that"  I carefully considered his statement after another one he posted where he calls me a few choice names.... I respond after researching his insecure FB account with "Naval Rescue Swimmers drown.... and that is that.  This lesson above all I think was the most important one....if you post ignorant name-calling posts, make sure you set your security settings on FB so people cannot just obtain your information and use it..... and really, don't post anything you wouldn't want your military boss to read when you are slamming civilians on an open forum without merit or respect.

The site Disqus, of which I am now a member of, does not allow you to retract statements published... and, as Rob discovered, things said in a heated retort can have an unexpected backlash.  There are many people with opinions that attack and demoralize others and it is really easy to get caught up in the melee.  Some are looking for approval in how many 'upvotes' they get with random snipe attacks on the unsuspecting as Michael and Chris does....they just look for reactions to start an argument.  There are those that likely get paid to post and often encourage through prodding to continue the conversation until either or both of you look incredibly stupid.  There are those, like myself, who will apologize for being inappropriate and continue the debate respectfully, using my own name (means I have to own what I say) and will stand my ground when attacked from behind. 

It is truly an art to communicate on any of these forums... remember.... 

1. State  your opinion - back it up if need be with published accreditied reports, keep it simple and to the point.

2. Generalized statements will always get you into trouble.  Only speak of things you know or have experienced first hand.  My brother's Uncle's best friend's wife........NO!!

3. Do not respond to reply posts that are insulting unless you want to battle it out... from an outsider's point of view... you both look moronic if you lower yourself  to their level (which is easily done).  

4.  Ask for clarification - if you do not understand a response to a post you made or others, feel free to ask for more detail.  Be polite and they will in turn be polite back.

5.  Know your opponent - scan other posts, how many posts and how they treat others online.  Often if they are really antagonistic, it is best to just post a link without opinion.

6.  Your opinion is Public!!! Once you put your opinion out there... you often can only edit it at best.  Make sure you do not respond emotionally and if you do.... read it twice before posting.

7.  You are likely not an expert - so don't give yourself more 'credentials' than what you have.  Elizabeth claimed she was a historian...but with a little research, she is a librarian who likes to read history... a buff and a Historian are clearly not one and the same.  As she quickly found out...she lost respect and credibility.

8.  The internet does not have all the answers... and yet, link after link is posted and some are heatedly disputed.  Make sure you have links to Scholarly papers that have merit and read the entire thing... because your opponents will to disprove the paper you have wasted their time referring them to.

9.  Set your limits - an article with opinion streams lasts only a few days.... like a conversation, it has a beginning, middle and end.  State your opinion, back it up and let others add to the conversation.

10.  It's not personal unless you want it to be - it is a conversation with strangers, so if someone says something and someone else adds to it in a derogatory manner, you can choose to respond with the same ammunition or choose to learn how to difuse the situation with maturity.... really hard to do but great practice.  You can also choose to re read what you wrote to see if it was misinterpreted or you were being antagonistic.  Prodding and pushing buttons can sometimes bring surprising responses as it did in my case and using the situation to take the positives.  

11.  Thank your opponent - often we learn from every interaction we involve ourselves in either good or bad.... if the conversation was terse and both opponents were heated, thank them for their enthusiasm and strong beliefs... they will appreciate knowing that it really was argued with good intentions.  Two antagonists I battled with online I now follow and ending the conversation with compliments and best wishes really made it enjoyable.

12.  If this puts you in a bad mood.... because they do not see your point of view.... then this is not for you.  Move on and find something else to do.

13.  Your sense of humour - may not convey well online and may well get you into hot water.  

14.  Clean up your act and act accordingly - Remember what you put out on the internet stays on the internet and becomes public property.  Any boss or prospective employee can find out what kind of person you are simply by looking for your comments on public forums. 

15.  Do you really know who you are chatting with? - we warn our children all the time about online strangers and yet we go online and make friends, combat on forums and share personal information... which later could come back and haunt you.  Keep to the topic... unless you feel it is absolutely necessary.  My cancer journey is public and I share some minor details if the disussion warrents it.  Most people respond well if they understand you come from a good place...its all in how you express yourself and since you do not know who you are speaking with... be respectful.  

For the uninitiated, it is a great way to learn communication skills and to make your voice heard.  With some people, I will just post a link with no comments to avoid any antagonistic and personal responses... remind yourself that while your friends and family love your sarcastic sense of humour... tend to one... it doesn't translate well to someone who doesn't know your twisted sense of humour.  I enjoyed my first real foray into online discussions... I might have a few bruises but I also have learned so much doing so!! 

.... a wonderful day for a walk...

.... you just never know what adventures or people will come your way....

Lydia and I just wanted to do something together yesterday.  Max suggested we head out on our bikes to Springbank Park.... I am not so sure my body can handle a trip down and back so we decide to take the car and park it near the community center off Wonderland Rd.  We noticed a couple walking their dog a few meters behind us as we stepped across the bike/pedestrian path and began our walking trip.  Along the way I would eat berries growing along the path and wonder at the surging river from the previous days of torrential rainfall.  Lydia wanted nothing to do with the berries and kept questioning if I knew what I was doing???  I have to chuckle and at the same time be grateful for all the forced 'marches' as a kid when my parents would point out all kinds of things to us kids.  She berated me for stopping and squishing a pair of Japanese Beetles as if I would intentionally embarras her?? 

A few hundred meters from the beginning of the paved bike/pedestrian path is a bridge that crosses over the river and curves around the parking lot of a Golf Course.  The tree that stands beside the pathway is a behemoth of a structure reaching a height of what I can only estimate to be in excess of 60 feet..... the trunk dwarfs the car parked a few meters away.  We crane our heads and I snap a picture of the canopy high above us making us feel like ants below it.

 

We cross back over the bridge and Lydia notices that the concrete has rusty markings criss-crossing the surface and I explain to her that it is the iron stucture beneath the bridge that has leeched through... I try to go down the embankment to look under the bridge and manage to slip a few feet.  Lydia is concerned that I may have hurt myself and demands that I return to her immediately... the couple that was behind us has stopped and I can hear the concern in the man's voice when he asks if I am OK.  "Yes thank you"... He mentioned something about being over 50 and not being able to do what we think we can.  I have to smirk and reply that I was thinking the very same thing.  We began to talk and walk along the path together.  The pain in my sternum and adjoining ribs are warning me to not do that again.

The couple come here often to walk with each other and to take their dog Walter with them. Lydia is loving their friendly pug-cross and follows him to give him a little pat.  The husband mentions that there is an upside-down shopping cart ahead and peaks our curiousity as to why there is a cart surrounded by four construction cones adjacent to the walking path.  We all inspect the cage and read the sign that tells us that turtle eggs have been layed here, well off the bank of the swollen river.  Wow!!!  They even have pictures on their cell phone of a tiny painted turtle cupped in the hand of their daughter from a previous visit.  

Lydia and I continue up ahead, with me still eating the berries along the path and admiring the old willows with burls that look like warts everywhere on the trunks and large branches....  I ponder as to the age of these trees?

We head along admiring the fast moving murky river and notice a culvert on the right hand side and some really tall plants..... the couple is just feet behind us and asks if it is a Hogweed (a noxious non-indigenous weed that is dangerous to touch its sap - can cause blindness and burns to exposed skin and eyes).... I have never seen one up close .... not sure that I want to...... but a quick seach on the internet on my phone indicates its a real possibility... The London Free Press has a picture of a blooming one in today's paper warning people to not remove the plant themselves lest they get the sap on themselves which can cause serious burns and even blindness.....I will have to visit the park again to take pictures when it blooms.

Up ahead are more cones and an orange frost fence complete with a sign that indicates the walkway is closed.  We can see workers up ahead but decide to stop and chat.  Lydia inspects under the cones to see if there are any turtles... no, but she checks again anyway and then plants herself beside Walter giving him some attention.  We formally introduce ourselves and the topic turns to the wife's cancer diagnoses and chemo last year.... I had chemo last year too, I tell her... that's when I realized she had a pink ribbon tattoo on her forearm..... Two unrelated women, born months apart, both 50 with similar stories of diagnosis... what are the chances???  I don't believe in chance meetings... this was meant to be.  We began to chat, her and I about our journey and where we were at.  She admires my daughter for being so accepting of my journey.... her youngest is struggling in her late teens with her mother's diagnosis.  We continue to walk together and Lydia hangs with Mark and their dog chatting amicably with him.  We both feel very comfortable sharing and chatting as we take a dirt path to the beginning where we first noticed them and their dog.  We bid each other well, I shake Mark's hand and give Ingrid a hug.  If you should need me anytime, please let me know.  Lydia and I will continue alone to get an ice cream cone while they head off in another direction but not before connecting through FaceBook on our iPhones.

Lydia continues to chat to me as we head towards the river and to the ice-cream stand.  It is a rare treat for me, so with a few small scoops in hand, we saunter over to an empty picnic table overlooking the rapidly rushing waters of the muddy Thames River... we sit on the table snuggled in together and just chatting about our recent experience and grateful for the encounter.  Lydia is such a gift with her joyful and poignant insight into our lives together....She hugs and kisses me "I really love you mom" she says as she licks at the dripping moosetracks icecream.  "and I really love you too Miss Lydia".  We sit there watching a stick rush by, carried by an incredible volume of water. 

Its time to head out and we will go and pick up some produce at a local growers stand.  I keep thinking that its getting late in the afternoon and that maybe we will just head to the grocery store.... sometimes I should really listen to my inner voice.... after purchasing our veggie needs, we head back towards home on the highway leading up to a main London road when all of a sudden, out of a side street, a car pulls out in front of us.  I don't have time to brake so I have to pull out onto the paved shoulder and speed by to make it around him... of course blaring the horn.  He speeds up and pulls up to the back of my car and I step on the brake to get him to back off.  He chooses to speed through traffic to once again find his way behind me only this time to take a picture of my plate and to flip me a nasty grin.  I roll back to block my plate from his vision.  The light changes and I try to weave around a few cars to get away from him and see that he has fallen once again in line behind me.  He follows me when he turns at the light into a drive lane leading to a parking lot.  Well that just did it for me.  I stopped the car, pulled the brake (standard car) and walked towards his car that had pulled in behind me.  I was hopping mad and telling him to get lost... bad enough you cut me off but now you are following me... I have a child in my car whom you put in danger (thats about the jist of it).... so he pretends to talk to his cell phone like a coward after trying to intimidate us!!!!  I stomp back to the car and drive around trying to lose him.... I park and Lydia and I head into the grocery store but a few hundred feet into the store and I get a bad feeling so we head out to see him walking in our direction.  I have a picture of his plate parked 20 feet away from our car..... 

We head back home and make a scrumptious dinner of our fresh finds.  After dinner we head out to shop at Giant Tiger for some cottage wear for Lydia..... she is an excellent shopper - she knows just what she wants and busies herself finding a swimsuit, shorts and tops.... and a lovely dress.  She is just so grown up these days and I am proud of her for knowing what she wants and for the confidence she exudes in her daily life.  I catch a glimpse of me in the reflection of a dressing mirror.... egads, do i really look like my mother these days. Somehow, the view of myself never seems to match how I perceive myself??? Lydia will tell me later that the lighting is yellow and not face friendly.... where does she get all this info??   Oh yes, from all the make-up sites she finds on YouTube.  

Ruth finds us rummaging around the clothes racks and we give her a squeeze.... then Kevin calls (next door neighbor and friend) while we are chatting and I have a chance to say hello!!!  Ruth escorts us through the aisles as we pick out sales items for our pantry shelves.  It has been a long day and we hug her and head out.  Lydia reaches up to give me a peck as we navigate the bumpy roadway with the cart to our car.   I adore you Lydia and I know you will make a great mommy some day.  We hop in the car and she reaches over to kiss my cheek and rub my head... "Thanks Mom" she says with a broad happy grin.  I look over and into her eyes... "no, thank you baby".  We hold hands when I drive in between shifting gears.  Life is good.

Thank you to Mark and Ingrid for being such a special part of our day....it has been many years since we have been back to Springbank park and it could not have been better timing....as if it was meant to be alll along.  We hope to spend some time with you both soon. xo

......Go on without me.......

...... while I attend my medical CT scan in the middle of the family vacation.......

Max's sister and brother in-law are hosting a family get-together at his parent's cottage for the first time in the 16 years I have been with my husband.  The cottage is a long drive from here and the itinerary has been emailed to everyone..... for the week of the 21st of July....... I am sure its just an oversight despite the fact we have known about my appointment on July 23rd since mid April.  I let my inlaws know that I will not be attending the first event that is a 5-6 hour road trip for our family .... inside I am thinking a possible first and last for me and I won't be able to make it even to the first one.  I will choose to stay behind and care for the pets and house while mine and my husband's family gets together..... a cancer life can be painfully lonely even with family..... I wish we had gone with a previous idea of booking one closer to us.... 

The fact that my illness has often times left me out on the sidelines of family life....this just feels a kick to the face......while it may not have been intentional, that thought doesn't take the sting out of feeling dejected.  I try to convince myself that I would just be a drag to everyone sitting on the dock or in a chair doing absolutely nothing when I could be at home canning my ripening tomatoes for 8 hours over a hot stove by myself.  There have been many moments in this journey where I feel alone and apart from others.....this just makes it real.  I try not to entertain the notion that I might not be here for the second annual event...if there is one.  I want to cry but I'm afraid I might not stop.  I feel like I am being punished for being ill. 

I head back upstairs to lay down while Max readies himself for the day... I have been awake for most of the night listening to the sound of thunder and seeing the flashes light up the curtains.  I am tired and feeling out of sorts.  He crosses the room and lays next to me and the first tear escapes and rolls down my face.... I tell him that I have sent out an email letting his sister know that I will not be going to the cottage and asking him to just go without me.... he wants to know if its possible that I might not want to be there visiting with his sister.... the thought had crossed my mind..... and likely that would be the biggest reason why I won't travel the 5-6 hours so I can sit in an adirondack chair next to her to hear once again about how my "cancer is no big deal" or to be asked what my clothes size is..... or some other such insensitive commentary.  

He heads downstairs after giving me a kiss and a pat on the back.....I turn over and pull myself out of bed... I am sore these days and today exceptionally tired.  I convince myself to just get going anyway but sit there taking a moment to reflect....we had discussed with our inlaws for the past while to consider renting a cottage where everyone could meet that was close enough to us for obvious reasons.....after 16 years of being married to Max and never ever being invited to the cottage before... its suddenly became a planned family vacation for everyone during the one week in the summer that I need to be here..... I really try to take the high road but as I pondered some more... I have to own the anger brewing inside me....  it's time to get up and putter around.

I head out to the garden and pull weeds, squish shitty cucumber beetles and try not to cry.... the overcast gloomy skies are not helping my attitude and later when Kirsten calls... I will jump on and off the pity train and then decide its not worth mulling over any more. I confirm to myself that I really wouldn't want to have to sit in an adirondack chair playing pretend nice for the better part of a week when all I want to do is smash her square in the face with a well placed fist!!!  There, I finally said it.....feel better.....not much.....I hate feeling these feelings.....its so not me.  I think Kirsten has a point.... we used to as kids tell our siblings anything and everything we wanted them to know that bothered us about them.... and now, we just quell the desire to just break loose simply in part by ingrained niceties that keep us all from punching each other in the face..... I will stay home and just putter and hope my family is having a wonderful time.... without me..... 

I am still feeling moody.... sitting in the back yard watching a woodpecker eating seeds from a birdfeeder when it gets slammed from behind by another woodpecker.... yah buddy... know how you feel.  This morning I rescued a mouse swimming in our pool... he was on his last strokes when I pulled him free using the net.  I simply put him back under the fence where I was sure he travelled from when he came upon the pool... and because the cat was out looking for a place to pee nearby... OK that's the story i'm sticking to.  The thunder tolls every once in while as the clouds thicken.... I wonder how William is making out in Winnipeg with the flood relief job the platoon was bussed out to help with.  The thunder is now deepening its retort and I am sitting under a metal umbrella typing while waiting for the lightening..... reminds me of a story about my neighbor Rudy from our last house.  

     Rudy, bless his soul, lived in the aluminum clad house kitty corner to my house.  Each time a thunder storm would roll in, I would sit on my covered porch and watch Rudy struggle with the aluminum ladder and place it firmly so that it sat just above the eaves... the aluminum eaves.  I would yell out 'Hey, lightening rod Rudy!!!!'  He would just turn and wave and continue to remove debris from the leaves in the eaves while lightening flashed overhead.  I often cringed waiting to hear the telltale snap of a bolt that met up with Rudy rummaging about.  Ironically, two houses were hit a few blocks away... but not Rudy.  Rudy Meyer was a rough exteriored Dutch man who survived the worst part of the war and eventually would come to Canada as a young man.  I have only known him as a cranky old man who eventually gave up trying to scare me away and would just hug the stuffings out of me.  I suppose it was in part because I wouldn't take his shit and he learned to give me less and less over the ensuing years when he became too sick to mow his own lawn and I would do it for him.  He was even grateful, in his own way, when I had Max rebuild the back stoop before he could fall again.  I am sure I saw tears...

     Rudy eventually had a heart problem that led him to go to University Hospital to have surgery and he was not quite right, his partner Sharon would tell me on the way to a visit one particular afternoon just after his surgery.  We got to his room and I looked around.  "Sharon, did you happen to leave a set of outside clothes for Rudy and his wallet?"  She replied, "why yes, of course, he insisted".... of course he 'insisted'... I headed down to the nurses station to report him as missing and likely already on his way home from the hospital.  The nurse just looked at me.  "I worked security and that was one of my jobs... you need to put out an APB, he is likely travelling by cab, foot or bus....  She picked up the phone and called security... and yes, he was nowhere to be found.  I let her know I would bring him back when I locate him.... the nurse frowned and called a local cab company.  I headed out with Sharon on a path I figured he would travel and asked her to keep an eye out.  A few miles down the road we spotted him chatting with someone from the sidewalk which i pulled up onto and parked.  "Well Rudy, come on, lets go".  He followed us to the van but threw a temper and kicked the back of my seat until I conceded to turn the van around and head home.  "OK Rudy, but after you visit with puppy and have your tea, you will need to be taken back... deal??"  I spun around to see a very pouty old man with his arms folded tightly and nodding yes.

       Rudy would eventually be diagnosed with lung cancer, somewhat beat that after yet another surgery and then finally, near the end, he was diagnosed with liver cancer.  He went senile before the end... I ran into him in the cancer unit on one of my check ups and he didn't know who I was.... after almost 18 years of knowing him.  I still miss the cranky bastard!!

Max and I talk about the planned vacation to the cottage later in the evening...I remind him that in 16 years of marriage, we have never been asked to join his sister at her inlaws cottage EVER.... then suddenly, plans are in place and voila... .cottage week is in the ONE week that I cannot attend even though we knew about my CT scan 3 months ago.  Max finally concedes that he spoke for both of us and made a mistake about the time....it doesn't help that I feel left out, ignored and now just resigned to the fact that I don't feel important.  The weather continues to misbehave in direct reflection of my thoughts.... I choose to sleep in the spare room convincing myself that its because I need to move about to get comfortable... but I know better than that....I punch my pillow square in the middle and simply fall asleep....

A week of reflection... and yes, a little planning...

I have some downtime now that the school year is officially over for high school students.  There are opportunities to volunteer this summer for new technology based daycamps which I will consider participating in.  For now, I am puttering endlesly (and loving it) in my urban garden.  It is easy to get lost in weeding, photographing and blogging on a passion for growing and learning new techniques.  

This week saw the passing of a friend's mother Lynda, who tirelessly devoted her time, love and energy into her grandchildren and volunteering at the LRCP.  You will be dearly missed by all whose lives you touched.  She died of a massive heart attack and her brave eldest grand daughter re-started her heart in time for the arrival of the paramedics....that is a testament to good parenting!!!  Dana, Glen and the kids.... our hearts and prayers are with you all at this time.

The funeral was on Monday and I chose to spend the time with my Mother after already planning to speak to her about her and Dad's funeral arrangements.  Her friend Fred was showing me a list of charges that he paid for his wife's cremation.... so what did he get for just over $7,000??  Well, her ashes are still sitting in a velvet bag in his room.  For just two days of obituaries in the paper..... was $1,000 dollars???????  The box she was cremated in was just over $400.... and the list goes on.  So I went online and chose the basic cremation with ashes presented in a free plastic container... with no service, no expensive announcement cards, obits in the paper and it came to $2300.  I then contacted an online Urn company and came up with some really neat ideas for what I thought was appropriate...

ECO PODS - these little charming pods are made for either storing ashes or directly planting them in the ground where they will bio degrade.  They are $15 per pod.  I particularly love this idea... and it will neatly feed a lovely rosebush planted right above it.  If your family wants a keepsake Kree (small urn) or jewelery to hold a tiny amount of ashes.. then that too would be a lovely touch.  Depending on the amount of ashes... you could have them sent to Switzerland to have them compressed under extreme pressure to make an 8 faceted diamond... to the tune of about $2700.  Even this last option with the cremation would have been cheaper than my friend Fred's wife's funeral. Of course the most inexpensive route is to donate your remains which will then be cremated and returned to next of kin for free.

I have decided to go with the Eco Pod and a little locket to hang from the wall or a Christmas tree... depending on the season.... as a reminder that I am always close by.

Thelma has a seizure.... as I am texting a friend and HOLY CRAP, she just keels over sideways and flops onto her back where I catch her eyes rolling up into the back of her head!!!  I yelled so loud that she simply rolled back over and stood up.  Poor Max came tearing up the stairs just as I began to tearfully cradle her in my arms.  She just ambled over to her sleep pillow in the corner and went to sleep as if nothing had happened.  Of course this gets posted on FB and low and behold.... I have some pretty twisted friends who though my posting was pretty funny...looking back, I guess it was kind of comical..... after all, I did yell loud enough to wake the dead or prevent Thelma from going skyward. I remember yelling at my Dad when his eyes rolled into the back of his head a few years ago on his way skyward.... only he didn't return until he touched the ceiling.... I now wonder how loud I really am... please reserve comments.

My Mom's dog has now started peeing in the dining room and is completely oblivious to the not so happy glare.  All the animals in this house are reaching the same age...O-L-D... and I am sure we will be saying good bye to at least one this year.  Despite removing the neuroblastoma from Thelma's paw... I believe she has one in her belly as well..... sigh.  She is a great dog and so loving.  

OK, now that we have all the 'morbid' items on this week's blog... and after Max has been elected to bury the baby bunny that looks suspiciously like it has been mauled by our cat who walks nonchalantly past me when I opened the sliding door before coming upon the evidence.  Max buries the bunny next to the compost pile........great.....no Max, no worries honey... you did a great job.  Personally, I would have had a quick burial across the street where once a city tree stood before being mauled by the unpleasant occupant of the house.  

Since we are talking about wildlife... Monday, while minding my business watching the electrical crew through the backyard on the street behind us... a large shadow approached our backyard and HOLY Freakin' COW..... its a big Heron come to visit our pond!!!!  Only it sees me waving frantically and yes, calling Max (good thing he works at home undisturbed by his wife who is now home full days) to come check out the big bird landing on the roof.  He manages to meander up the stairs to see me relocating our King Fisher statue to let big bird know, we already have a solitary pond predator.  He does not see the quickly departing Heron as it soars overhead to find a quieter fishing hole.... I am sensing a theme this week.... yelling for Max.... and then today....

...... yelling AT Max... Passport Picture Day.... happens at Shopper's Drug Mart where we likely paid more than Costco and which took the girl behind the camera about 25 shots to try and catch a pic of Lydia without the demonic red eye look.... you would think with the $4 extra they charge, they could afford a camera with red eye reduction... finally after many many many attempts, we got what might pass for a good picture.... and then we got home.  I asked Max for the pictures after I had filled in all the information on the sheets and he said he gave them to me in the store.... No, the young lady gave me the receipt and you paid for it which means you should have them in your possession.  Apparently, after dumping my purse out.... I should have done this a long time ago.... there was so much unnecessary hand wipes, kleenex, wrappers etc but alas no pictures.  "Call Shoppers"  I glared at him after having a loud melt down. He was on the phone and then he was gone from the driveway... it seems he left the photos on the counter of Shoppers.  A sheepish grin upon his return and we were on our way to completing the rest of the paperwork. Tomorrow we go to submit it and pay what amounts to being a lot of money for 4 people!!!!  This, just in case I find myself somehow crossing the border for a shopping trip...or two over the next few months.

Kale Kale.... and more Kale

I have grown so much Kale that I am now looking for takers on this veggie... I do juice it but sometimes it causes spasms in my liver.... I still like it but now I need to cook it.  I really prefer eating raw.  So tonight I had to remove about 12 plants to make room for the ever expanding squash growing on either side of the trellis in the Kale and Beet bed.  I juice every morning so I think I will just have to juice the Kale anyway.  I do have some takers for plants and leaves.....enough to feed the whole neighborhood.  I am thinking that instead of having a yard sale this weekend, we should build a veggie stand and just sell to whoever meanders by!!!!  The peas taste yummy and are almost ready to harvest the first crop.  Tomatoes are beginning to grow well and I should have my first crop of these in about 2 -3 weeks.  Yummy, can't wait to make salsa... and the peppers are growing fast as well.  The sweet yellow banana peppers have grown overnight.  

Graduation

My eldest son William has officially received his Artillary cap badge and entry into one of Canada's oldest regiments on Monday 23rd of June, 10 months after entering bootcamp.  He is pictured here with his cousin Chelsea who ironically moved to this base last summer.  I am so glad he had his amazing cousin to share his really special day and of course, his new gal pal.  I am so incredibly proud of my son and the dedication and hard work he has shown all along in his military career.  xoxoxo

so, how am I doing these days??

 I am taking each day as it comes.  Some days are great and filled with energy and some days this week have been challenging.  I decided on Sunday, since I wasn't feeling up to heading out to the local ball diamond for a game, I would spend some quiet time with my Dad at the nursing home....

..... I stepped into his room after looking around for him.  He was laying on his bed with a blanket half pulled over him and lightly dozing.  I spoke quietly to him and his eyes fluttered open.  He stared at me and then slowly it occured to him that somehow he knew me...."oh, hello there".  "Hello Dad", I responded back.  I gently helped him to sit upright on his bed and then pulled a chair around for him to sit on.  He needed some help getting into his chair but once there, he cracked a grin and thanked me for coming.  I always try to bring him a coffee and a treat.  Today he has two cookies and a coffee... he forgoes the coffee and says it tastes bitter.  He is missing so many teeth and the remaining ones are decorated with what looks like breakfast and last night's dinner.  I will have to return to brushing his teeth when I visit.  He smells slightly of urine.... or rather his bed does.

I am feeling mixed emotions of relief that he looks great and of guilt for not visiting him more regularly.  The tears start and I try to catch them.  Dad has already welled up and tells me how excited he is to see me.  I ask him about his children and he is lucid when he says how much he loves each of us.  This is a rare moment in his Alzheimer's journey and I get parts of it on my iPhone video recording. Part-way through the recording, he 'sees' a dog and calls it to him by smacking his lips together in a repeated kiss.  The mind is an amazing hard-drive that once in a while coughs up a long-ago bit of memory and plays it for its keeper.  His faraway look and the quick smile when the 'dog' he has been calling sits beside him for a pat.  He strokes the arm of the chair and touches my hand in the process which brings him back to the present moment.  'Oh, excuse me' he says.  I reach over and pet the back of his retreating hand and he looks at me.  He is blind in one eye and the other one sees so very little.  His once strong powerful fingers are bent in various directions and too much pressure will cause him pain.  He smiles and he eyes fill when I tell him I love him.

An Alzheimer's patient can react strongly in response to pain or other stimulii that can change a peaceful conversation into a hellish ordeal.  That sweet little old guy can smash you in the face in seconds and without warning and all as a response to certain stimulii or memories.  I am always careful and speak quietly to my father at a level he is comfortable with.  He does not like to be told what to do or have anyone raise their voice to him or show impatience.  I can get him to do what I need him to do through a sense of humour and lots of hugs.  He loves to laugh and loves to have his hands held gently.  i know my father well and we have a connection which is hard to explain.... I just know him and I know what he is saying.  I know what stories to tell and which ones not to tell.... I know how to re-direct him when necessary.  

There are many moments today where I will tear up.... how is it possible that the strong resiliant father I grew up with is a mere shell of what he used to be???  He sits in an old age home that is old itself and lacks fresh air and areas to move about in.  Why can't they be large, airy and filled with plants and things to do.  I rarely see other visitors in the narrow hallways when I walk Dad around the floor, I catch the strong odor of poop at the end of one hallway and I steer my father to go back to where the odor is less invasive.  He doesn't notice the smell but later, the lady sitting near us begins to whine and the docile face of my father begins to crinkle and then he begins to verbalize his annoyance at Katherine's increasingly high pitched wail.... some time after the nurse glares, says something under her breath and then rolls her eyes at the back of her head ....time to walk away and back to his room.  I get him to go pee before I tuck him in to bed for an afternoon nap.  Time with Dad goes by fast.  Two hours of holding hands and making him laugh at my silly stories.  

I have to guide him around the toilet and help him with his pants.  They have put depends on him to catch the occassional dribble.... years ago he would have laughed if anyone told him he'd be wearing them.... reminds me of the story of his father who slathered on Neet hair removal when it first came out in the 1920's.... and guffawed that a lotion, bad smelling one at that, could possibly remove hair....  I tell my Dad that story every once in a while and he guffaws like crazy until the coughing takes over.  I could tell that and other stories time and time again and elicit the same reaction every time. 

He has always had that 'cough'.... more like clearing the throat which turns into a full cough to clear the lungs.  He has always suffered from pneumonia and pleurisy since child hood.  He had pneumonia weeks ago which is why I could not visit him then.  The modern day of medication has helped him to survive to Alzheimer's.  I grab him a kleenex to help him with his spate of throat clearing.  He smoked many years ago and quit before he married Mom.... he never took it up again....

It's time to tuck Dad in for a nap... he is tired and as I lay him down, he keeps thanking me for visiting him.  The tears start up again and I smile and kiss him on the head and cheeks in rapid fire which gets him smiling again.  God, how I love you Dad and how guilty I feel for leaving you behind in the nursing home where you will spend the rest of your lonely days there.  How is this payment for a life of hard work???  I touch his cheek with mine and whisper words of love and promises to visit soon.  He closes his eyes and a smile forms once again on his tired face.  We did talk earlier of him returning home to heaven.... we both believe in an afterlife.... he says it will be soon and that he is long in the tooth.  Part of me prays it is soon so that he doesn't have to live this way..... in his lucid moments.... he knows kinda where he is......

I step out into the sunshine and warm air......I make it to the car before the tears start to fall.  I don't want to grow old if it means ending my days in a lonely barren room with no place to go.  I look up to where his floor is.... and bid him good sleep... one where his soul can fly and be free.  See you soon.

There will be a few more times when I arrive home that I have to take time out to just cry.  

Here is a pic of me 8 months after chemo below a family pic (taken in August 2010 just 6 months after chemo).  My hair is changing colour to reflect less 'Artic Blonde' and more ash brown.  I love the curls so for now, I will keep growing out my hair... soon, there will not be any curls left so I will enjoy them when I can. 

Some days, like today, I am in some pain... not bad but annoying.  Today it is in my right chest - beginning at the sternum and into the right underarm, then through to the back... I am assuming at this point that all the vitamins and tinctures are helping to drain the lymphatic system.  I have pain in the areas around the chest and underarms that have lymph nodes but this could be a guess.  Most days are good and I have little pain in the liver as compared with a month ago.  

I putter each day to keep the body moving but today is a down day where I am doing paperwork and preparing for September's teaching load.  I figure if I do it on my down days... I should be done everything in time for start of school.  I plan ahead... always have and just in case - I have all my notes at the ready and online for my students, including a week by week on my FOL blog to use as a guide.  I pray that I will be healthy at the start of the new school year.  In a journey like this, you plan for any eventuality.... including the Will, which I still have not buckled down and finished.

Its been 6 weeks since Melina passed away.... there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  I still leave the occassional message on her FB page.... life goes on and people get busy....but I still need her to know that she is missed every day....I still leave messages for Nancy who passed away almost 5 years ago of a heart infection in her sleep.  

Sarah, her daughter Payton and Shelley made 'Relay for Life' candle bag tributes to me and put them on FB... yup, I cried.  I just can't go to any of those events anymore....I guess part of me just doesn't want to acknowledge that I am still fighting into what is now year 6....and I find it hard to read all the tributes to those who no longer live amongst us.  I do not want to be involved with anything to do with cancer groups (learned this one the hard way) because I do not define my life through my illness...I am not brave....just someone trying to make the best of a not so fortuitous situation. My time is valuable and I choose to spend it with my family and friends who love and care about me and doing things that bring me joy.

Saturday I went to visit my friend Millie...we met as fellow paddlers and became friends.... she has had a stroke and her left side just won't cooperate...she is now a patient in a local hospital going through physio and trying to get some use of her limbs.  She is wonderful and always offers a smile... we chat about the times in the boat when I would get in trouble for laughing or talking.... that was three years ago.  What a crazy life when you join a group for support and fun and end up paddling for an ex-olympian hopeful spending valuable time away from family only to be caught up in drama.... sheesh, what a year that was.  I was lucky to have walked away with some truly special friends. I learned that the illness didn't rob me of my self-esteem and that stress of that magnitude only serves one purpose...to create more illness.  Kisses and hugs for you Millie and sending you lots and lots of love as you heal from yet another bump in your life's journey.... hope you heal super fast!!!!

This week, Mitchel's 19 year old friend has been diagnosed with Stage 1 Pancreatic Cancer..... sigh...it just never ends.....I am wishing Eric all the very best.

Tomorrow is Lydia's 12th birthday.... wow!!!  I am so excited to be celebrating her special day with her. Well, it's time to head into the kitchen and help make the cupcakes for her classmates tomorrow.

check out our urban garden...

http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca

Keeping on....

..... and staying busy with our urban garden.  It is soothing to the soul when I look out the window in the morning and see the garden.  It gives me something to do and a goal to achieve each day....it is my therapy.  I have been asked a few times if I would like to speak to a therapist.  Its not for me and I just don't see how a therapist can help other than listen to me feel sorry for myself or dredge up old wounds in an effort to locate my spirituality by a perfect stranger?  This approach to healing is not helpful to me.  I am a doer and someone who constantly seeks out things to keep me occupied.  I remember being a student in class as a child who would often find myself staring out the window, or God forbid,  standing at the window and risking the wrath of the teacher. My therapy is digging in dirt and watching the plants grow.  My passion for teaching and learning inspires me to always do something each day that brings me joy.

I just have to learn not to tackle everything at once.... like today when my side began to hurt when I lifted the laundry basket and realized too late that I would be in pain for a few hours afterwards.  Note to self - stop trying to do too much.  I suppose there are days when I am in a hurry to get everything done....lest I leave something undone.  

I am in the process of writing my own Will, only it seems to be taking forever....just like all the other mundane things I'd rather not think about.  I don't want to do laundry but yet take pleasure in hanging it out to dry like today.  I don't want to clean my house but it looks better when I do and makes me feel like I am contributing.  I don't want to clean my room.....so I don't.... lol.  Well, who does???  

Today I am feeling the pain of kneeling for days trying to put the small pavers into the pathways through the garden.  I noticed some swelling in the knees, fingers and ankles.... and now I really do need to slow down and rest.  I am feeling OK most of the time but I get to the point where I exhaust myself puttering around.  Max tries to quell my need to keep busy but to no avail.  I am stubborn and ridiculously stupid at times.

Today Max and some of the neighbors really tried hard to break down the huge chunk of concrete that is left from the basket ball pole removal.  Only this concrete seems  to be from Superman's home planet... hours later, only 4 inches has been removed from the top and from what we can see, it is low enough to leave the remaining concrete while the new concrete front walk is poured.  I am looking forward to seeing the new walkway and eventually a new railing for the front steps.  I get to watch all of this from my little bistro set now sitting in my front lawn.

It is my new oasis in the late afternoon when I can enjoy the garden from a shady spot and wave to the neighbors as they drive by.  A number of people have driven by and admired the gardens.  Some drive by slowly and gape.  I am sure some people think we have lost our minds while others think its about time someone shook things up!!!  I must admit that it doesn't matter to us either way, although we like it when people appreciate what we are doing.

May 17th.... it is a regular Saturday and I am heading out in the afternoon to go shopping with Sarah and Lydia.  I thought it was odd that we were going out so late in the afternoon but Sarah has the two little ones and naps are always a consideration.  At 3, Sarah arrives with baby Rowan and the four of us head out to the local hardware store and Loblaw to look at plants and pots.  We end up at Jysk and purchase a pot for Max to grow his herbs.  Its getting on past 5 and we head back to the house.  Max greets us at the front and I give him the new pot.  He tells me he has something for me and covers my eyes as he leads me into the back yard.  I am thinking he has bought me another tree but when he turns me about to face the back deck and open my eyes..... my jaw drops as 40 people break out in Surprise!!!  Happy Birthday!!!!  WOW, I really really did make it to 50 and here were all the people I adore minus a few who couldn't make it.  Some changed their schedule to be with me on this occasion.  How lucky am I!!!!!

I think of Melina most every day and know how blessed I am to still be here with my family and doing the things I truly love to do.  How lucky am I to be teaching and living my life in such a wonderful way.  How fortunate for the family I have and for all the love they shower me with every day.  I am truly a very fortunate woman.  Living life beyond expectation and taking every day as it comes.  I am happy and deeply grateful.  Today I feel better than yesterday.  The pain only worsens when I lift anything heavy or do too much extreme puttering... Max says I should learn to pace myself and I think that I am in a hurry to get things done just in the event my health takes a turn for the worse.  I am learning to sip my tea while sitting down and appreciating the painless sleep I get when I finally turn in for bed.  

Tonight I had to laugh.... Max is but a few feet from a rabbit in our backyard and we have 3 pets lounging on the deck just watching the rabbit hop around.....no wonder we can't grow things in our backyard without fencing.  I am watching her bring bedding to a new location in the mass of perennial geraniums in the far corner of the yard.  

Today was a gorgeous day - hot and humid with sunshine.... this evening is lovely and warm.  After such a long hard winter, this is truly a blessing.  I rarely will complain about the heat again.  The pool heater on the roof has heated our pool up to 72 degrees.  Warm enough for Lydia to start swimming every day....me I like 80 plus!!  The birds are singing in the light evening winds as the clouds form above us.  It will surely rain tonight and refill the two 220L rain barrels that I just emptied into the fish pond tonight and the garden this morning.  I purchased a little pony pump to bring up the water pressure in order to get the water where I need it.  The pool is surrounded by greenery and blooms from the King Bleeding Heat, Hereboras, Columbine,  iris, geraniums, Iris, lilac, Solomon's Seal, and soon the peonies, snowball bush, roses and sunflowers.

..... cancer takes another soul....

..... Melina's.  It's been a long 6 weeks since she returned to the hospital to ready herself for her final earthly journey surrounded by family and friends. Melina passed just before Mother's Day on a warm beautiful spring day after a harsh long winter.  She is at peace now and just in time to be with her departed mother on what should have been a celebration with her own children.  Her sweet soft nature and her enduring smile regardless of her illness has had a tremendous impact on all those whose lives she touched...including my own.  I will miss you my friend but I know that this is part of your life journey and I send love to wherever you are.  You will be dearly missed.

For the past four weeks I have been in extraordinary pain on the right side, just under the ribs.  At times it was so painful that sleeping was nearly impossible.  Along with pain comes fear.... fear of what is going on and of course since they told me I have a shadow on my liver after my last treatment I was terrified.  I went to see my family doctor and she ordered an ultrasound to see if in fact there was anything there of concern..  The results came in that there were a few spots but they could not determine if they were benign or malignant..... I will have this confirmed through my oncologist on Tuesday. 

In the meantime, my eldest sister connected with me via phone while I was dropping an item off at Mom's residence and asked if she could suggest a course of homeopathic healing to reduce the pain and begin a healing process.  She sent me some natural vitamines and minerals to help my immune system.  Along with that, I juice every morning and add to that my Barley Extra.  My stomach and gut was now in pain and by the looks of it, I was passing gall stones.  That did not explain the gut pain so I pulled out the Prepzymes I purchase from my AIM company and within two meals 90% of the pain was gone.  That was last week.

I keep busy.... and funny enough, the stuff I am taking is giving me a mass amount of energy.  I sleep and get up early in the morning feeling ready for the day.  This morning, I have already cleaned the leaves out of the pool, chased a squirrel out of the garden and sprinkled all the beds with bone meal to hopefully keep them away.  Apparently my aim with soil clumps is waaaaay off!!! I will just have to be diligent.  They are voracious after the winter we had and they are more than making up for it.  I am also pursuing my passion for gardening and it is spreading.  One of my neighbors is venturing into veggie gardening and her son couldn't thank me enough for all the digging he has had to do.... albeit, in the end, he is totally proud of what they pulled together, including mulch. 

My friend Mary and I took a road trip this past Friday and I was able to help her pick out some herbs for their deck garden and a planter pot for the front stoop... which was just the beginning for her.  We then went to Whiffletree Farm and Nursery to pick up an Asian Pear Tree and some raspberry canes.  It was a great day to travel with a wonderful companion!!!

Tuesday May 13th

I head through the now all too familiar sliding doors to the LRCP.  I can find my way through this building in the dark.  The place is full of people milling about waiting for their appointments in various stages of cancer treatments/diagnosis.  I head off to Clinic 3 to get the pager and of course the blood test requisition.  I thank the clerk and weave around legs to the blood lab next to clinic 4.  I affectionately call these lab techs 'vampires'.  Heather was there but I ended up sitting for another tech who hurt me on insertion and then pointed out it was likely that my fist was too tight.  I would have appreciated an apology since I have been getting IV's and needles steadily for the past 5 years (later it will present as a bruise and a raised bump - a first)... and I am positive that I know a bad insertion when I feel it. I shrug it off and chat for a minute with Heather and give her a quick hug before returning to the seats across from clinic 3.  The lady sitting next to me is sweet.... she has been diagnosed with breast cancer just after retiring.  He husband has been battling cancer since 1998.  He is not doing well and now his caregiver is ill.  My pager goes off and we hug wishing each other the very best.  I am off to get weighed and sit waiting in the examination room after meeting with the nurse to go over anything I am taking in vitamines and minerals, medications etc.  I show her pics of my garden and she admires our ambition and lets me know where to pick up asperagus at a local grower.  

A few minutes later, a knock on the door announces the arrival off the intern who politely offers me his hand upon introduction.  Neil sits in the chair opposite of me and crosses his legs.  He is wearing green socks with black polka dots.  It seems so out of character with his more professional attire and I start to laugh.  He asks me about symptoms.  I tell him that I have had pain in my side and that I am taking enzymes to help to digest my food.  He tells me that there is a possible malignant tumour in the IVC - in other words - the hephatic artery that leads into the liver from the heart... a direct route to everywhere else in the body.  That is how cancer metastasizes.  Once it finds itself into the arterial system or lymphatic system, the cells can travel anywhere in the body.  Besides the IVC, there is another shadow presenting nearby.  He asks if there is anything else?  No?  He explains that he will consult with my doctor and they will return together soon.

They enter shortly after.  Dr. Younis takes the seat closer to me and Neil slips back into the seat he just vacated minutes ago.  Dr Younis discusses only using chemo if absolutely necessary and only when the cancer begins to threaten to block off the artery.  I ask him if he is positive that the shadow in the IVC is cancerous?  Considering my diagnosis and the radiation administered to the previous suspect lesion, he is very sure.  No, there is no need to biopsy the liver at this stage.  They ask to see my ankles.  They are looking for swelling of any kind..... later I will discover through more research that kidney and liver failure show as leg/ankle edema.  I have an appointment in July for a CT scan and another follow-up with the team in the first week of August.... unless something changes in this time.  Do I have any questions.... yes, but none I really want to know the answer to.  I thank him for helping to give me this past year as I get ready to leave.  They head out the door first and I look around the examination room.  I make myself a promise that I will be as healthy as possible.  I am praying for a miracle and a chance to prove them wrong.  

So what do I really think? believe? want?

I think that the doctors only know what they know and only address the physicality of the cancer and its somewhat predictive nature.  You get cancer, it often times metastasizes, you go for treatments and if they get it right, you survive.  if not, you will maintain the toxic poisons in your body until the cancer takes over critical functions and shuts the body down.  Cancer doesn't know that spreading throughout the body will cause its own demise.... perhaps if it did, it would just remain hidden and not leak toxic by-products into the host it is a parasite to or spread and wreck havoc.  I think we want to believe that the doctors have all the answers.... even they will admit they don't.  I think that there are always more questions than answers.  I think that ultimately, the quality of life far exeeds that of longevity.  My father has Alzheimers and lives in a lock down ward - he did not commit a crime but yet lives in a barren cell.  He has worked his entire life in order to enjoy his retirement years... this is certainly not what he expected to experience...I would hazard a guess that no one considers that end of life journey.

I believe that cancer is a manifestation of stress, pain, viruses, bacteria and all that is negative in our lives.  Not knowing our physical limits and pushing through them has left us out of tune and out of touch with our physical bodies.  Our bodies have a way of communicating with us ~ it's called intuition.  Intuition has kept me alive all these years....even though we have all come to the conclusion that I am living on borrowed time, it is none the less time.  My intuition is strong and not just with myself but with others and as I de-clutter my emotions and reduce the stress by pursuing my passions. I am now tuning in to subtle hints and how my body reacts to what I eat and even what I am thinking (anger or negative emotions cause the pain to increase in my liver/pancreas area).  I realize too that I hold my breath when I am deep in thought or when I am anxious.  I believe that it is OK to be busy and sometimes distracted but it has to be because you are enjoying what you are doing and gain some satisfaction from whatever task you are doing.....only not exhausting yourself and learning to set limits.  Having time to enjoy some down time each day is critically important to recharging your batteries.  I believe that when you ignore or refuse to listen to the subtle hints... they become louder until you do and for some, it is far too late.  You cannot roll back time and have a do-over, so understand that each day, even if you have to create a log book, you must spend the time to check in with yourself.  

Personal Check in - Ask yourself - then write it out

Physical  how am i feeling today?  Notice any lumps, bumps, pain, soreness etc and keep track of these.  Have you had a bowel movement and how many?  Notice the hints your body gives you.... if you are listening, you will know eventually how you feel after eating something that does not agree with you or note when you are tired and need a rest or are thirsy, hungry or under the weather.  

Emotional What makes you happy? sad? angry? jealous? tired? energetic? inspired?  Keep track of your thoughts and feelings throughout the day.  Look at the positive in everything and ask yourself what you need to learn from a situation or person if things aren't going so well.  Are you comfortable with yourself? confident?   Do you look to others to validate you or do you realize the value you bring to others?  Is it important that everyone likes you or are you OK with accepting that not everyone likes you and that you wont like everyone.  Can you let go of your grudges? stop finding fault with others or yourself?  Are you defensive or receptive to criticism?  

Mental  Are you dealing with the demands of your everyday life or do you use avoidance techniques to put off what you need to do?  Do you take on too many responsibilities? Can you delegate effectively?  Can you decide what your priorities are?  Are you prepared or do you just wing it?  Are you able to take a 'follower' role instead of being in charge all the time (most people I meet with cancer are A type personailities like myself - the 'I will do it myself and be damned' personalities).

I want to lead an active life with balance between the physical, emotional and mental aspects of who I am.  I want to continue to pursue my passions. 

All too often I meet with those that are disenchanted with their lives and specifically their working lives.  They, like myself at the end of my long-time position, could see no way out because after all, we need to pay the bills.  Be miserable, pay your bills, live for the two weeks of vacation where you drag yourself around for the few days left of it dreading the return to work.  Then ask yourself why you are not feeling well most of the time??  Money comes and goes and funny enough, the money always seems to appear when we need it the most.  Negotiating for a lower mortgage payment and making do with what you have will release some of the stress of loans and trying to keep up with the Jone's. What are your passions?  Most happy people pursued their passions no matter what and found a way to earn a living while looking forward to going to work.  I cannot sit for long and I have been blessed with careers that require anything but!!!  Get to know the you you wanted to be all these years.  Waiting until retirement to realize your dreams might end up the nightmare my father found himself in when he understood that Alzheimer's was taking over his life.  His life ended and his physical body remains committed to holding the soul on earth for years when he should have been travelling like my in-laws do.  That is the payment for working for his retirement and now being unable to enjoy it.  

May 15th.... my 50th birthday!!!

My course coordinator John and his wonderful minions created a surprise pot-luck luncheon at work!!!! OMG I was so surprised - I honestly did not see this coming!!  I just thought the two of us were going out for lunch.  There in the conference room was a wonderful lunch table complete with decorations and a tearful and loving speech from John.  He always makes me tear up when he tells me how special he thinks I am.  John, you have been so incredibly kind to me and I cannot thank you enough.  To everyone who came for lunch and who worked at food prep and decorations.  Thank you for the lovely gift card.

Later, my husband took us all out for dinner.  Lydia gave me a gift box of feel good products she chose out and paid for herself.  Mitchel gave me a lovely card....'best Mom ever' and the card from Max had a large sparkly '50' on it.  I made it this far I think as I scramble to hide the card.... it doesn't feel real... 50??? really?????

May 16th

i am volunteering today at the local high school in the greenhouse and getting prepared for supplying next week.  I get a call from the teacher to confirm that I will be coming in for the 4th period class.  Of course I will be there!!  I had no idea, even when the cake came out and the students began to sing Happy Birthday to me!!!  Wow, big hug for the teacher.... thank you Karin for such incredible thoughtfulness.  You are truly wonderful with your sense of humour and your thoughtfulness.  Later, she brings me a bottle of wine as I am finishing up in the GreenHouse.  I have cleaned all the floors and placed the tables where they can get water from the misters for the long weekend.  

My life journey continues....