For the past four weeks I have been in extraordinary pain on the right side, just under the ribs. At times it was so painful that sleeping was nearly impossible. Along with pain comes fear.... fear of what is going on and of course since they told me I have a shadow on my liver after my last treatment I was terrified. I went to see my family doctor and she ordered an ultrasound to see if in fact there was anything there of concern.. The results came in that there were a few spots but they could not determine if they were benign or malignant..... I will have this confirmed through my oncologist on Tuesday.
In the meantime, my eldest sister connected with me via phone while I was dropping an item off at Mom's residence and asked if she could suggest a course of homeopathic healing to reduce the pain and begin a healing process. She sent me some natural vitamines and minerals to help my immune system. Along with that, I juice every morning and add to that my Barley Extra. My stomach and gut was now in pain and by the looks of it, I was passing gall stones. That did not explain the gut pain so I pulled out the Prepzymes I purchase from my AIM company and within two meals 90% of the pain was gone. That was last week.
I keep busy.... and funny enough, the stuff I am taking is giving me a mass amount of energy. I sleep and get up early in the morning feeling ready for the day. This morning, I have already cleaned the leaves out of the pool, chased a squirrel out of the garden and sprinkled all the beds with bone meal to hopefully keep them away. Apparently my aim with soil clumps is waaaaay off!!! I will just have to be diligent. They are voracious after the winter we had and they are more than making up for it. I am also pursuing my passion for gardening and it is spreading. One of my neighbors is venturing into veggie gardening and her son couldn't thank me enough for all the digging he has had to do.... albeit, in the end, he is totally proud of what they pulled together, including mulch.
My friend Mary and I took a road trip this past Friday and I was able to help her pick out some herbs for their deck garden and a planter pot for the front stoop... which was just the beginning for her. We then went to Whiffletree Farm and Nursery to pick up an Asian Pear Tree and some raspberry canes. It was a great day to travel with a wonderful companion!!!
Tuesday May 13th
I head through the now all too familiar sliding doors to the LRCP. I can find my way through this building in the dark. The place is full of people milling about waiting for their appointments in various stages of cancer treatments/diagnosis. I head off to Clinic 3 to get the pager and of course the blood test requisition. I thank the clerk and weave around legs to the blood lab next to clinic 4. I affectionately call these lab techs 'vampires'. Heather was there but I ended up sitting for another tech who hurt me on insertion and then pointed out it was likely that my fist was too tight. I would have appreciated an apology since I have been getting IV's and needles steadily for the past 5 years (later it will present as a bruise and a raised bump - a first)... and I am positive that I know a bad insertion when I feel it. I shrug it off and chat for a minute with Heather and give her a quick hug before returning to the seats across from clinic 3. The lady sitting next to me is sweet.... she has been diagnosed with breast cancer just after retiring. He husband has been battling cancer since 1998. He is not doing well and now his caregiver is ill. My pager goes off and we hug wishing each other the very best. I am off to get weighed and sit waiting in the examination room after meeting with the nurse to go over anything I am taking in vitamines and minerals, medications etc. I show her pics of my garden and she admires our ambition and lets me know where to pick up asperagus at a local grower.
A few minutes later, a knock on the door announces the arrival off the intern who politely offers me his hand upon introduction. Neil sits in the chair opposite of me and crosses his legs. He is wearing green socks with black polka dots. It seems so out of character with his more professional attire and I start to laugh. He asks me about symptoms. I tell him that I have had pain in my side and that I am taking enzymes to help to digest my food. He tells me that there is a possible malignant tumour in the IVC - in other words - the hephatic artery that leads into the liver from the heart... a direct route to everywhere else in the body. That is how cancer metastasizes. Once it finds itself into the arterial system or lymphatic system, the cells can travel anywhere in the body. Besides the IVC, there is another shadow presenting nearby. He asks if there is anything else? No? He explains that he will consult with my doctor and they will return together soon.
They enter shortly after. Dr. Younis takes the seat closer to me and Neil slips back into the seat he just vacated minutes ago. Dr Younis discusses only using chemo if absolutely necessary and only when the cancer begins to threaten to block off the artery. I ask him if he is positive that the shadow in the IVC is cancerous? Considering my diagnosis and the radiation administered to the previous suspect lesion, he is very sure. No, there is no need to biopsy the liver at this stage. They ask to see my ankles. They are looking for swelling of any kind..... later I will discover through more research that kidney and liver failure show as leg/ankle edema. I have an appointment in July for a CT scan and another follow-up with the team in the first week of August.... unless something changes in this time. Do I have any questions.... yes, but none I really want to know the answer to. I thank him for helping to give me this past year as I get ready to leave. They head out the door first and I look around the examination room. I make myself a promise that I will be as healthy as possible. I am praying for a miracle and a chance to prove them wrong.
So what do I really think? believe? want?
I think that the doctors only know what they know and only address the physicality of the cancer and its somewhat predictive nature. You get cancer, it often times metastasizes, you go for treatments and if they get it right, you survive. if not, you will maintain the toxic poisons in your body until the cancer takes over critical functions and shuts the body down. Cancer doesn't know that spreading throughout the body will cause its own demise.... perhaps if it did, it would just remain hidden and not leak toxic by-products into the host it is a parasite to or spread and wreck havoc. I think we want to believe that the doctors have all the answers.... even they will admit they don't. I think that there are always more questions than answers. I think that ultimately, the quality of life far exeeds that of longevity. My father has Alzheimers and lives in a lock down ward - he did not commit a crime but yet lives in a barren cell. He has worked his entire life in order to enjoy his retirement years... this is certainly not what he expected to experience...I would hazard a guess that no one considers that end of life journey.
I believe that cancer is a manifestation of stress, pain, viruses, bacteria and all that is negative in our lives. Not knowing our physical limits and pushing through them has left us out of tune and out of touch with our physical bodies. Our bodies have a way of communicating with us ~ it's called intuition. Intuition has kept me alive all these years....even though we have all come to the conclusion that I am living on borrowed time, it is none the less time. My intuition is strong and not just with myself but with others and as I de-clutter my emotions and reduce the stress by pursuing my passions. I am now tuning in to subtle hints and how my body reacts to what I eat and even what I am thinking (anger or negative emotions cause the pain to increase in my liver/pancreas area). I realize too that I hold my breath when I am deep in thought or when I am anxious. I believe that it is OK to be busy and sometimes distracted but it has to be because you are enjoying what you are doing and gain some satisfaction from whatever task you are doing.....only not exhausting yourself and learning to set limits. Having time to enjoy some down time each day is critically important to recharging your batteries. I believe that when you ignore or refuse to listen to the subtle hints... they become louder until you do and for some, it is far too late. You cannot roll back time and have a do-over, so understand that each day, even if you have to create a log book, you must spend the time to check in with yourself.
Personal Check in - Ask yourself - then write it out
Physical how am i feeling today? Notice any lumps, bumps, pain, soreness etc and keep track of these. Have you had a bowel movement and how many? Notice the hints your body gives you.... if you are listening, you will know eventually how you feel after eating something that does not agree with you or note when you are tired and need a rest or are thirsy, hungry or under the weather.
Emotional What makes you happy? sad? angry? jealous? tired? energetic? inspired? Keep track of your thoughts and feelings throughout the day. Look at the positive in everything and ask yourself what you need to learn from a situation or person if things aren't going so well. Are you comfortable with yourself? confident? Do you look to others to validate you or do you realize the value you bring to others? Is it important that everyone likes you or are you OK with accepting that not everyone likes you and that you wont like everyone. Can you let go of your grudges? stop finding fault with others or yourself? Are you defensive or receptive to criticism?
Mental Are you dealing with the demands of your everyday life or do you use avoidance techniques to put off what you need to do? Do you take on too many responsibilities? Can you delegate effectively? Can you decide what your priorities are? Are you prepared or do you just wing it? Are you able to take a 'follower' role instead of being in charge all the time (most people I meet with cancer are A type personailities like myself - the 'I will do it myself and be damned' personalities).
I want to lead an active life with balance between the physical, emotional and mental aspects of who I am. I want to continue to pursue my passions.
All too often I meet with those that are disenchanted with their lives and specifically their working lives. They, like myself at the end of my long-time position, could see no way out because after all, we need to pay the bills. Be miserable, pay your bills, live for the two weeks of vacation where you drag yourself around for the few days left of it dreading the return to work. Then ask yourself why you are not feeling well most of the time?? Money comes and goes and funny enough, the money always seems to appear when we need it the most. Negotiating for a lower mortgage payment and making do with what you have will release some of the stress of loans and trying to keep up with the Jone's. What are your passions? Most happy people pursued their passions no matter what and found a way to earn a living while looking forward to going to work. I cannot sit for long and I have been blessed with careers that require anything but!!! Get to know the you you wanted to be all these years. Waiting until retirement to realize your dreams might end up the nightmare my father found himself in when he understood that Alzheimer's was taking over his life. His life ended and his physical body remains committed to holding the soul on earth for years when he should have been travelling like my in-laws do. That is the payment for working for his retirement and now being unable to enjoy it.
May 15th.... my 50th birthday!!!
My course coordinator John and his wonderful minions created a surprise pot-luck luncheon at work!!!! OMG I was so surprised - I honestly did not see this coming!! I just thought the two of us were going out for lunch. There in the conference room was a wonderful lunch table complete with decorations and a tearful and loving speech from John. He always makes me tear up when he tells me how special he thinks I am. John, you have been so incredibly kind to me and I cannot thank you enough. To everyone who came for lunch and who worked at food prep and decorations. Thank you for the lovely gift card.
Later, my husband took us all out for dinner. Lydia gave me a gift box of feel good products she chose out and paid for herself. Mitchel gave me a lovely card....'best Mom ever' and the card from Max had a large sparkly '50' on it. I made it this far I think as I scramble to hide the card.... it doesn't feel real... 50??? really?????
May 16th
i am volunteering today at the local high school in the greenhouse and getting prepared for supplying next week. I get a call from the teacher to confirm that I will be coming in for the 4th period class. Of course I will be there!! I had no idea, even when the cake came out and the students began to sing Happy Birthday to me!!! Wow, big hug for the teacher.... thank you Karin for such incredible thoughtfulness. You are truly wonderful with your sense of humour and your thoughtfulness. Later, she brings me a bottle of wine as I am finishing up in the GreenHouse. I have cleaned all the floors and placed the tables where they can get water from the misters for the long weekend.
My life journey continues....
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