She is so beautiful with her big blue eyes and her animated face.... she is telling me about all the great things coming her way in the last two years of elementary school and the tears begin to fall until I catch myself in a mid sob. Oh dear God.... I love her so much and all I want to do is watch her grow up. She reaches across the bed to cuddle with me. Her tears mingle with mine and we tell each other "I love you more".... she's my mini-me. I adore her and laugh with her as we turn our tears into smiles.
She has started her own blog and she lets me read it... her first entry is about her 49 year old mom who has cancer and how she is sad. Like myself, the kids push the bad stuff to the back and let the sun shine in anyway. I am deeply glad they are wired like this ... it makes life good. We watch the Nanny... we have made it past the 100th show. Tonight we watched 'The Help'. We stayed cuddled in bed all day and had our meals brought up to us. She reaches out her hand throughout the day to let me know that it will be alright......I just can't seem to shed the dread that has pushed the hopefulness to the side as it makes its way to my every thought. It's soon time for Lydia's bedtime and I snuggle her and tuck her in to bed.
Max knows that I am hiding from the world and its hard not to......he's made his way upstairs to get ready for bed. He sits quietly beside me while I start crying.... it feels like I may never be able to stop. "I really don't know what to do?" I cover my face and rock back and forth. I feel like swinging between being resigned to whatever lays ahead and then the notion of fighting at all costs. Max tries to make me feel better by stating that the doctors meant that the chemo would only extend my life but for how long was anyone's guess.... as if this makes me feel better and then of course we both start laughing when Thelma, still wearing her cone, crashes along the wall and stumbles into our room. Laidee follows right behind and Kajen kitty in tow. Now this is my life.... comedic relief at the most dramatic moments in life. Max shoos them all out and heads in to have snuggles with Lydia and say goodnight. Its bedtime for the three of us while Will, Mitch and Uncle Paul decide to watch a war movie. Will is wearing his fatigues around the house and looking very gung-ho.
I make my way upstairs after taking some fiber. Max has moved on to something safe... his Ninja game....sheesh!!! Tomorrow we will be decorating the Christmas tree.
Sunday 15th December
Today, I feel more energetic as I move amongst our three bathrooms cleaning them while the men dig out the Christmas decorations in the basement. I am also doing a great deal of laundry today and grateful for the busyness on another snow blown day.
It is day three of my cleanse and I am gulping down my breakfast of Greens+ with multivitamin mix. At least its flavored and I am able to wash it down quickly. This will soon be followed by half a Metformin tablet. (I will adjust the dosage in a few days to see how it feels). A few salmon pills in the morning and at night have stopped the incredibly dry skin I have been dealing with. The addition of a deep immune tincture has finally handled the chronic nasal congestion. Sleep is good with the Melatonin I am taking in the evening. I do not remember going to sleep but still wake up at 4 in the morning when Max has hijacked most of the blankets. I am prepared tonight by adding a spare to the end of the bed.
What a hugely emotional weekend.... mostly me being emotional... partly the trailing end of the chemo and mostly the fear of the unknown. My friend Kirsten called earlier today and we talked about my illness, my fears.... and how much I do not want to go on chemo again....there has to be a better way of addressing cancer. Why haven't we come far enough to test what actually works with each individual cancer diagnosis and cater the chemistry to each specific one? It would definitely be cheaper in the long run and less return customers for sure.....I have so many questions mulling around in my head..... and each one of them starts with WHY?
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