.... friendship

..... the lady down the street's daughter is still hanging out with mine and there have been many sleep-overs and play dates in the past few weeks which necessitate Sandra to enter into my backyard unannounced in order to pick her up from yet another after school get-together.  It wasn't until Sandra's close friend called to give his best regards to Max and neglecting to extend the same to myself that I realized exactly why her and I are not friends..... she talks... not only about herself but she talks... you know, about the private things that people tell others in confidence.  I realize that I know more about the caller's deepest secrets that God forbid should I share with anyone - which I have not - and now I know why she really made me crazy for all those years and why I never told her anything of importance.  Despite the fact that I am outgoing, I am a deeply private person and feel that everyone has the right to their own privacy.  I should never have to spell it out to anyone that when someone talks to you, you keep it to yourself.... and I do.  She would divulge everyone's secrets to me and if any of her friends showed an interest in getting together with me, she would simply pass messages but neglect to invite one or the other to her gatherings. I take it from the caller's cool attitude towards me that she has justified the ends to suit her means.  When you are going through a life changing situation, really, the last thing you want to have to deal with is someone who cares more about the attention they get 'sharing' your personal stuff without your permission.... all she now has to share is her personal opinion.  I just call out as I make my retreat into my haven.... see you tomorrow to the little blonde head that streaks out past me to join her Mom.

The gals after Yoga all understand what this all means to them and they each have a 'name'  in their lives.... or used to.  You gauge your world by your feelings and sense of security and learn to not waste time with those that threaten either one.  The girls get it and know that when the cancer journey is over usually a lot of friendships are as well... one of the gals ended her marriage just before her diagnosis because she knew instinctively that she would never get the kind of support from him that she might need and realized that the marriage had been over a really long time.  Why do we wait so long to 'clean house'?  Is it because we are so busy in our lives, don't want to hurt feelings, perhaps the loneliness factor or just wanting to keep the peace at all costs?  Why are some people just outright mean?  Why are some people so nice to you when you are ill, but lose patience or revert back to their old ways when you are better?  When I left my life to venture into the unknown, I kept in touch with the people who I knew were good friends and who could be there for me... I left behind the ones who talked a good game but when it counted, they were nowhere to be found, the ones who seemed to know when I needed them and those who knew me the best - the ones who knew the facade was just that and respected the sensitive person whom they had befriended.  I wish to thank my extraordinary friends!!  The yoga gals and myself hope that we have been good friends to others in our life's journeys - we may never know but we are all deeply conscious of those around us and aspire to be a friend like the most memorable ones in our hour of deepest need.  I hope that my friends, old and new know that I love and admire who they are  and I do not question why we are friends. xoxoxo

Tomorrow night I will be heading out to network with other women at a sleep-over hosted at a really great hotel an hour away.  I am the guest of a woman that I can barely find the words for - she has touched my soul to the core and I am deeply honored that she considers me a friend.  She is patient, funny and kind and just says what's on her mind.  She is not afraid to tell me when I am being an idiot!!! I am not offended when she does because I know she says it with love and kindness.  I am fortunate that my friends are comfortable telling me what they think of me and know that although it isn't always easy to listen to, it is always said with love. xoxoxo

This journey has brought people into my life who have helped to shape my attitudes about what friendship really is and what I have to offer.  I have been hand-painting thank you cards when I find a few minutes for those who have touched mine and my family's lives..... Hallmark and my Art Therapist would be proud!!!  Art is so incredibly liberating for the soul and my paints make me so happy.  My mother used to say that a home-made anything lets others know how much you care about them.

Thank you for reading my blogs and letting me know in your own personal ways how much you care. In 9 days I will turn 46...... it will be one year to the day that I found my lump and my life as I knew it came to an end.... no regrets - I have become a better person for the experience, my children have matured, my friends are extraordinary, new and incredible people have come into my life and made it better and my marriage, although pretty great before this has become an even deeper bond and continues to deepen as we move forward - he is ultimately my best friend and soul mate and who encouraged me to share the more personal me through my blogs.... I love you now and for always.  xoxo