.... depression

.... I would be remiss if I didn't name what the past month has been like - depression.  I always thought like many people that it was something that happened when you were being weak, but I have since come to understand that it happens when you have been strong for far too long.  That feeling of being lost that comes with the end of one chapter and before the next one begins....

It's not that I expect others to understand, I really don't, but it is a consequence of any trauma that life has to offer and sometimes it is not always well-handled but hey, it's what makes us human.  It felt some days like I would never stop crying and every thing regardless if it was little or not blew itself out of proportion... when the dust settled, there were hands helping me up through phone calls, messages, lunches and thoughtful gestures. There will be days to come  that will inspire tears to fall but I am OK with that... we really don't have a whole lot of control in our lives and trying to gain some after not having any means that I am on the way back to finding my groove sooner than later.  I am disappointed that one person I reached out to and whom has been a friend for so many years and whom I have listened to and helped through their recent issues has turned his back on me and has ignored the few emails I have sent.  This hit me really hard and it's not like he is not aware of what is going on.... he was one of the first people I told.  I have learned that there is a difference between being friends and being friendly.  I have talked to many survivors of varying journeys and they too mention the ones they least expected to turn away and were devastated when they did.  I have made new friends who get where I am at and will listen and support me with kindness and understanding..... I move on.

As my 13 year old son is quick to point out these days - everyone is on a journey of some kind. It makes you appreciate those around you more when you have been there and done that.  I will always look to Kim for her sage advice in our  class.... she only gives me information when asked and listens quietly while I talk to her.  Kim says that there is no point in giving information ahead of time when you are never sure if that is where your journey will take you. She does understand and shares what she went through when it is applicable to the issue at hand.  She knew right away what I was going through when I mentioned the anxiety and tears and confirmed my suspicions that this was all part of the package.  I know her sister is right where I am right now in her journey so she calls her every day to let her just talk.

The past few days have been spent hand painting thank you cards to the Supper Club, Mandi, Sandra and Joelly.... I ran out of paper but when I purchase more, I will be able to complete the rest on my wish list.

I thank those who called like Tracy from LympheDiva's who made me laugh and I was touched by her concern.  I forgot to ask what the weather was like in Philadelphia!!  A big hello goes out to Emily from Lydia... we will send you a note really soon to see how you are doing!!

Thank you to Mandi without whose incredible support, love and friendship, this journey may have been so much more difficult than it has been.  I love you to pieces now and always.  You inspire me.  You are the reason why I went to Wellspring in the first place, where I have met so many wonderful and loving people whom I look forward to seeing every week.  You are the one whom I told all those many months ago and cried with in your office.  I cannot thank you enough for being there through thick and thin and giving me hope on the days that I felt hopeless.  Thank you for looking out for me and helping me up when my world fell apart.... a few times.

Monday 3 May 2010

It has been muggy much of the weekend with threatening clouds which gave up so little of their life giving rains until early this morning.  I am always amazed that the birds start their song so early in the morning - long before the sun rises..... they take advantage of the peace and quiet those hours provide so that they can distinguish their mates and friends without the cluttering of noise from our busy lives.  My life is not busy right now but I am making it so with the perpetual art projects and small household chores. In a few weeks I will note the first year mark - the mark that began this journey and took me off course of my life as I knew it.  I do not know what will come my way but am optimistic that it will hold some new adventures.

This morning I am finishing up a project I started yesterday.  We picked up stuff from Michael's and I am making our traditional pool sign for the front door... a little bit of the original one with some items added and deleted to create a happy welcoming to our pool!!  It will be a hot summer and look forward to family and friends coming out to chill with us.

My parents are coming to stay with us for a week or so starting on Mother's Day Sunday.  We have not seen them in a few years and of course I have not travelled since prior to my illness.  My Mom wanted to see me bald but gratefully my hair has grown in enough to not have to wear my scarves or hat to cover up the dome.  My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia this year and I am hoping that the break away will bring him joy especially since his grandchildren are all waiting to see him.  My Dad is an Electrical Engineer and his friends often joke that I am the son he never had!!  I often get caught between the traditional Mom and the boys by the BBQ.... the BBQ crew usually wins.  I am always the only girl out chillin' and having beers with the boys!!  I have been a tom girl since I could remember.... used to drive my Mom nuts when I climbed trees in my dresses or ran around wearing only pumper pants in the 70's.  I would climb anything from door frames to overly tall fir trees (sap never came out of my favorite t-shirt).  I would feed the squirrels by putting the peanuts in my mouth and let them climb up to get them - my mother was horrified!!  I rescued injured birds and bunnies alike and was able to convince my mother to keep them until they were better.... she released them for me.  I am grateful that they always said to follow your heart and your dreams and I think for the most part I have..... my physical world is now not the same and I will eternally miss not being able to once again pull myself into a tree...I can't feel my left shoulder due to the nerves being injured through surgery and the edema will always threaten to flare up if I should over-extend or injure it.  I now watch my daughter climb the crab apple in the front and coach her from the steps.... never face away from the trunk when climbing down as she discovered when the seat of her pants caught on the way down and she was facing space...

Mitchel is getting his braces removed after 27 months!!!  I finally get to stop paying for them next month!!  Dental with a family of 5 is very expensive and I can't imagine anyone doing so without a little help from insurance.  Two kids down and one left to go with the braces!!  I thought at one time that I would like to get my teeth straightened after a getting them straitened years ago as part of a clinical Orthodontic trial.  I used to be called 'bucky' and 'bugs' when I was a kid.... ah those were the days!!  As my neighbor always says 'you could mow the lawn through the fence' or something to that effect.  I called Max to find out whether he was going to go to work or get his cavity filled and I caught him in the chair - ooh, he is frozen gooder!

Thank you to Janice for the lovely lunch and your wonderful company.  Our paths crossed quite by accident and has been a godsend in my journey.  Your loss runs deep but yet you still have to courage to move ahead and support me with your wisdom and loving spirit... I lost a friend and gained another... how poetic.