I went through a horrible depression soon after my treatments ended and the nurse handed me the 'Dear Jane' letter, which happened to coincide with the human resources officer at work asking for my cell phone and work keys back. It felt like the two handed slap to the cheek - the one in which your head snaps one way then the other and you are left dizzy and confused as to what exactly went down? I have always been an upbeat person with a positive spin on life and when it spun out of control and the tears seemed endless, I found little solace in the few friends that remained after my journey. Everyone it seems is on a journey of their own and with family living many miles away and my own children moving along at their own pace, I felt very isolated and cast out. I stopped going into work for visits because I no longer felt welcome there either especially when I was told that I could no longer head up the Recreational committee that I had been a part of for so many years. I also could not witness the installation of the new Digital Transmitters that I had so longed to do!! The isolation at times was taking it's toll and I needed an outlet and a goal to work towards. Summer was spent hanging out with the children and as September rolled in, I was able to return to my teaching position part-time as this was a rehabilitation portion of my insurance and not a physically demanding job.
The fall seemed to go by so fast as I immersed myself in teaching the labs to a group of new students. My memory wasn't great and I had to leave notes and minders everywhere. I finally decided that getting my own personal BlackBerry would save me a lot of aggravation and get me feeling connected with the world again. I removed all my gaming friends from Facebook and the games I played when I didn't have much energy to do anything else with my time and then started to remove those people who meant little to me. I wanted to recapture my private life again after being in such a public forum through my illness saving the nursing jobs. As tired as I got some days and the appointments missed because of the flawed memory - all due in part to what could now be classified as menopause brought on by chemo - things were steadily improving and I was becoming more myself. It was good to be back in the driver's seat again..speaking of which - I got my car prior to my first teaching semester in November 2007 and almost four years later, I am still under 30,000 Km!!! October also saw me finally accepting the fact that I needed to take medication to keep the hot flashes I was experiencing under control. I could go from comfortable to wanting to pull my skin off at a moments notice when the heat wave would start and the sweat would stream down my face. I would ask my students if it was hot and they would smile and say 'not really'. The medication is an anti-depressant which took most of the flashes away and finally normalized my demeanor and kept me feeling more of myself that I had not been since the early spring.
Life is a funny thing and one only has to put out a thought or a desire to set a goal which is precisely what I needed and found when I went to the Braz for Cause in October of 2010 and met Linda, a Rowbust member who was standing behind a display and looking for new recruits. I remember telling her that I was strong and sure, why not, I would love to try out!! A few short weeks later, I received a sign up welcome note and the start date in November at the gym.
It is now June of 2011, two years after my diagnosis and 23 months after treatments began with my two surgeries. I still cannot feel my underarm or parts of my shoulder due to nerve damage and the likelihood diminishes with time that I will regain much feeling. My fingertips fell victim to neuropathy - the nerve endings in the fingers were affected by the Docetaxel portion of my treatments which means I can easily injure my fingertips without realizing it as they are numb all the time. My toes were affected but not to the same degree. There are many side effects of the chemo medication which in some cases do not present themselves until years later. Kim discovered a heart condition which came about as a result of the Rubricon component of the FEC treatment she had 5 years before. I had the same treatments and I pray that my heart is OK. According to a friend going through treatments currently - they are using that chemical less and less.
Without the work outs and the constant movement of my arm and shoulder, I would not have the mobility that I have right now. The pain is always a dull reminder that things are not 100% but it is a small price to pay for having my life and the privilege of being able to live it. So much has changed in my world including my outlook on life partly due to the wonderful gals that I paddle with at Rowbust Dragon Boat racing. I finally feel a part of something that I have been missing since i left work those many months ago.. an opportunity to be with women who know what the score is without having to explain yourself to.. you just are a part of the group. A part of me is sad to see the old life end but is excited about so many new doors that are opening and my new found ability to recognize opportunities when I see them.
At the end of May, I went to Toronto to take part in my first paddling competition and won a silver medal in B division - pretty much means that we placed the 6th best time out of 51 competitors. While in Toronto, I also partook in an Advocacy course with the CBCN and had 3 appointments with Mpp's at Queen's Park. I also visited with Carolyn, who has been hospitalized for months with a new cancer diagnosis of Leukemia - a very dangerous form of which she is receiving chemo treatments for. I met her when I advocated for the nurses and this go-getter has advocated many things but mostly for the myeloma cancer patients. I think of her often and of my friend Perci whose diagnosis of metastasis in her bones, soft tissue and neck have rendered her unable to eat or drink. My heart goes out to these incredibly brave souls who face yet another journey with cancer and the constant fear of their mortality. It is also a reminder to live each day and to focus on what is positive in your life. Remove the negative garbage by doing a spring cleaning of all the energy vampires in your life. Friends are those people that stick by your side through thick or thin and remember to send a quick note once in a while to see how you are despite their busy lives. Saying good bye to people is easy when you know that they are not genuine. Be kind but be honest. Do something sweet for someone because you know we all need that and learn to accept that not everyone will like you and you will not like everyone.
My blog has always been positive and pro-active and I have neglected to write down some of my feelings in an attempt to take the high road but I would be remiss if I did not mention that my journey had its pitfalls. Some of which I cannot discuss at this point but will blog at a later date. It is suffice to say that the individual I have had dealings with over the past two years of my illness needs to take a course in empathy and another one on how to effectively do her job..... I have often thought of telling her to her face what she put me through while I was ill. The disappointment of having cancer was magnified by the insensitive handling of myself as I struggled with the loss of everything that was important to me and the years I spent in my career..... and how she just matter of fact told me it was over..... what that does to you when you are fighting to get better is devastating..... I do not wish her ill will but a part of me will always have a distinct dislike for her.
On the up side - my Mr. Mitchel will be graduating on Monday - he is soooooo excited and we have just the nicest suit ready for him to pick up on Monday in readiness for the day's event of graduating and celebrating with his friends. Mitchel has been teaching himself how to play guitar and will often find himself up in his room strumming away on the guitar I bought him years ago for Christmas. He is able to download YouTube tutorials on his android phone and is proving to be a quick study.... always brings me back to his piano lessons and finding out that I really am a failure as a Suzuki parent... I take comfort in the fact that most of us aren't and our children grow up Ok anyway. William is finishing off grade 11 and was struggling near the end. He broke off his relationship with Eryn which was becoming toxic by the minute and finally collapsed with an argument and a parting of ways. He is getting ready to head out for part of his summer to my sister's farm to experience rural life and a change of scenery. I am teaching him how to drive my standard car and other than some burnt clutch work, he seems to be picking it up quite quickly. We hope to get him into driving lessons in the fall and to have him get his license in the new year just in time for his grade 12 graduation..... where did all the time go? Miss Lydia is growing in leaps and bounds and at 9 years of age, she is funny, affectionate and highly entertaining!! I am so incredibly blessed. Last but not least, my soul mate and my best friend has finally gotten back into doing his artwork after all these years and his first pieces have been a hit!! Bigger and better projects are on the go. I am creating artwork myself and developing a health newsletter for my paddling girls. Who knows what the next few months will bring us.... only upwards from here!!!
Graduate
Western education 2013
Friday, June 24, 2011
... post cancer with a new beginning
We were so fortunate to be able to travel to a cottage offered to us by a generous cottage owner on Ril Lake in the Muskokas. Cottage Dreams is an organization that matches cancer patients and their family with a cottage in an area of their choice. It was an opportunity for us as a family to say goodbye to our cancer journey and a big hello to the next chapter of our life journey. It is a year of sharing our story with so many strangers as we stood up for the nurses that were being let go at the cancer unit and eventually saved their jobs. Our trip to the cottage ended with a photo shoot from the Muskoka Magazine.... they knew nothing of our media involvement but chose 3 families to be a part of an article about Cottage Dreams....... as much as I like the media and the world in which I have worked for 17 years.... it really was time to drift into anonymity and gratefully so. We have pictures of the entire family caught laughing and out enjoying ourselves - a true beginning for each of us.
It signified the closing of one career and the beginnings of another. I consider myself a very fortunate woman despite the hardships over the years.... I am a happy woman. Upon our return from vacation, it was time to say good bye to Wellspring. Although it will always be in my heart, I have moved on and forward in my journey. I will stay friends with the girls I have travelled in my journey with.... they have become part of who I am. We email and share stories and laugh on the phone. I will find the time to see them when I can.
It signified the closing of one career and the beginnings of another. I consider myself a very fortunate woman despite the hardships over the years.... I am a happy woman. Upon our return from vacation, it was time to say good bye to Wellspring. Although it will always be in my heart, I have moved on and forward in my journey. I will stay friends with the girls I have travelled in my journey with.... they have become part of who I am. We email and share stories and laugh on the phone. I will find the time to see them when I can.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
.....
.... I read Sylvia Browne's latest book..... she is a psychic.... and a really good one. I saw the book at the library and picked it up. I put it back down and walked away.... and then walked back and picked it up again. Lately, whether you call it instinct or intuition, it's about following that inner voice as it leads you to discover something you wouldn't necessary go consciously looking for. The book spoke to me and appealed to the positive changes in my life that would not have happened without this crazy cancer journey.
Friday 30th July
Everything happens for a reason, so I have been told and truly what I believe in life to be true. The word has come down and I realize with resignation that it is time to create some sort of closure in my life this week before moving on to the next step. I am going to clean out my locker - it is symbolic and accepting of what I have known for a while... I am unable to perform my duties as a technician in my place of work because it requires me to lift heavy equipment, cable pull etc. I am devastated and the tears come easily - it has been 17 years since I was hired straight out of school. I was able to support my family as the breadwinner for all these years and took incredible pride in my abilities. There is no doubt that I was good at my job, it is just an aspect of my new reality that I have limitations.
Mark has been good to me all these years, as a friend and as a boss and I will miss his easy candor and quick smile. He is not sure what to say.... what can you say when you are sitting across someone who can't seem to get a sentence out without the hitch in a quavering voice and the tears. Men are always uncomfortable with tears but he sits there quietly and offers encouraging words when I finally turn to face him. We head out to our offices and I borrow the spare locker key from him.... not sure what happened to mine? I re-use the cardboard box that is in my locker from when I cleared out my desk a year ago and start to sort out the paperwork, saving the project drawings that I had been working on - I will leave it with Bruce to finish it up. I have filled a couple of containers with parts and connectors that I have sorted through to be put back into stock or into someone else's tool box. Mark has made coffee and it seems as if all the cream in the fridge has gone bad as I study the lumps swirling around in the cup. I decide to have it black and realize that I was likely drinking bad coffee masked by good cream all those years!! :) Cal comes in and gives me a hug and kiss and hangs out while he considers the task I am undertaking. He doesn't grill me but after some joking, he pulls out a collection of pocket protectors and offers me one. I ask him to sign it for me and voila - Mark, Bruce and Cal are signing away with the black sharpie I have just deposited into one of the pencil containers.
I am introduced to my replacement who comes over to shake my hand. He appears to be quite friendly and comfortable with his new co-workers. He should be, they are an incredible group of guys whom I will dearly miss working with. I can see he is listening to our conversation and who wouldn't be when the girl you are covering for all of a sudden shows up!! Wish you all the best. Bruce and I wander over to the back shop - ah, my work bench is filled with equipment that Bruce is working on..... *sigh*. It is a private conversation, just one of many we have had over the years. I trust him implicitly - a good friend and confidant. I will miss working with you!! Hugs and best wishes are exchanged and it is time to go. Mark comes over and picks up the box which is full - you can see the tampon boxes tucked in and Jeff has mentioned to me about Tampon Tuesday earlier when he noticed them and we all got a good laugh when I mentioned that I do attend and always with a huge box of them from Costco. I carry them in to the events without the guise of a plastic bag. Mark pops the box into the trunk and we talk for a little bit but I can see he has to leave. I will miss you.
There are more tears when I get home, I wipe them off and then decide that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I will go into rehab and work in another position, one that I am looking forward to... see, there is always a silver lining in every storm cloud. As for the rest of my co-workers that I have been unable to see today.... please know, that I am sending you each best wishes and hope we bump into each other sooner than later. xox We are heading out on Sunday to the cottage from Cottage Dreams. Thank you to my close neighbor friends whose laughter and support has been incredulous. No Sue, there will be no more tears this year or even next. I love you all. M xox
Friday 30th July
Everything happens for a reason, so I have been told and truly what I believe in life to be true. The word has come down and I realize with resignation that it is time to create some sort of closure in my life this week before moving on to the next step. I am going to clean out my locker - it is symbolic and accepting of what I have known for a while... I am unable to perform my duties as a technician in my place of work because it requires me to lift heavy equipment, cable pull etc. I am devastated and the tears come easily - it has been 17 years since I was hired straight out of school. I was able to support my family as the breadwinner for all these years and took incredible pride in my abilities. There is no doubt that I was good at my job, it is just an aspect of my new reality that I have limitations.
Mark has been good to me all these years, as a friend and as a boss and I will miss his easy candor and quick smile. He is not sure what to say.... what can you say when you are sitting across someone who can't seem to get a sentence out without the hitch in a quavering voice and the tears. Men are always uncomfortable with tears but he sits there quietly and offers encouraging words when I finally turn to face him. We head out to our offices and I borrow the spare locker key from him.... not sure what happened to mine? I re-use the cardboard box that is in my locker from when I cleared out my desk a year ago and start to sort out the paperwork, saving the project drawings that I had been working on - I will leave it with Bruce to finish it up. I have filled a couple of containers with parts and connectors that I have sorted through to be put back into stock or into someone else's tool box. Mark has made coffee and it seems as if all the cream in the fridge has gone bad as I study the lumps swirling around in the cup. I decide to have it black and realize that I was likely drinking bad coffee masked by good cream all those years!! :) Cal comes in and gives me a hug and kiss and hangs out while he considers the task I am undertaking. He doesn't grill me but after some joking, he pulls out a collection of pocket protectors and offers me one. I ask him to sign it for me and voila - Mark, Bruce and Cal are signing away with the black sharpie I have just deposited into one of the pencil containers.
I am introduced to my replacement who comes over to shake my hand. He appears to be quite friendly and comfortable with his new co-workers. He should be, they are an incredible group of guys whom I will dearly miss working with. I can see he is listening to our conversation and who wouldn't be when the girl you are covering for all of a sudden shows up!! Wish you all the best. Bruce and I wander over to the back shop - ah, my work bench is filled with equipment that Bruce is working on..... *sigh*. It is a private conversation, just one of many we have had over the years. I trust him implicitly - a good friend and confidant. I will miss working with you!! Hugs and best wishes are exchanged and it is time to go. Mark comes over and picks up the box which is full - you can see the tampon boxes tucked in and Jeff has mentioned to me about Tampon Tuesday earlier when he noticed them and we all got a good laugh when I mentioned that I do attend and always with a huge box of them from Costco. I carry them in to the events without the guise of a plastic bag. Mark pops the box into the trunk and we talk for a little bit but I can see he has to leave. I will miss you.
There are more tears when I get home, I wipe them off and then decide that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I will go into rehab and work in another position, one that I am looking forward to... see, there is always a silver lining in every storm cloud. As for the rest of my co-workers that I have been unable to see today.... please know, that I am sending you each best wishes and hope we bump into each other sooner than later. xox We are heading out on Sunday to the cottage from Cottage Dreams. Thank you to my close neighbor friends whose laughter and support has been incredulous. No Sue, there will be no more tears this year or even next. I love you all. M xox
Thursday, July 22, 2010
..... trying hard to get back in the groove
..... trying to regain the strength and shape I have lost over the past year and with all the best of intentions - I started at the local gym with a gift membership. I started with cardio and was doing just fine until the personal trainer came by to see if I was interested in just having a free evaluation. She also indicated that she was a cancer survivor of 15 years. I thought that was great, she would understand and realize some of the issues I was faced with. In short, I stretched per her instructions and have now slept with an amazing amount of pain in the shoulder that according to the massage therapist may have suffered an injury to the rotator cuff. In the past few weeks, I have come across a number of people who have also been injured under the guise of a well-intentioned personal trainer including a doctor!!! What irked me the most, besides the injury, which will be confirmed by ultra sound sometime this week, was the fact that she put the sales squeeze on me and pulled the guilt card when I told her I could not afford $500 a month..... of course I told her, my health is important but I also attempted to tell her that feeding my children was just as important. Why was I trying to explain myself? Why did I feel obligated to answer her when 'no' should have sufficed? She felt that it was in my best interest to just forget about my cancer journey and put it behind me and then she questioned why I was not working....... wrong approach and frankly she just knows nothing about me or my situation. Every journey is as individual as every woman that goes through it.
13 July 2010
The pain in my hands and wrists has been steadily getting worse which is now being eased with pain medication. Since I am not good at sitting for any period of time, I have continued to move and try to keep as active as possible. The pool has been a tremendous help with keeping me moving in a gravity free zone. My feet are still in pain and every morning I hobble out of bed after spending most of the night stretching out the aches that plague my limbs, feet and hands. The new medication I am on reduces the swelling and the pain making it easier for me to function. I am not comfortable taking the muscle relaxants unless I absolutely have to, so instead, I am seeing a massage therapist that specializes in lymphatic massage. This friday I will be getting a full body massage as well as a lymph massage to try and encourage the muscles to relax. I keep moving everyday, whether it is in the pool or doing some light gardening to keep myself.
17th July 2010
A wonderful baby shower for a girl whom I have known for most of her life and whom I love like one of my own children. The years have flown by. I love you so much and I am looking forward to meeting with your sweet little Payton when she makes her appearance in September.
It is a quick trip to the second venue of the day and I find myself with my classmates from my college days. Jeff is the host for this second annual event. He lost his wife to breast cancer and I am deeply saddened for this lovely soul who now spends his free time working. He has been an invaluable resource and support for me and I am excited to see him. He recounts memories of his wife re-growing her hair as he admires my thickening mane. Her cancer returned within a year of treatments.... we are never really sure if it will ever come back but know that worrying about it will not keep it at bay. I chat with my classmates and note that the children are bigger and we are all a little grayer. Thank you my friend for your incredible bravery. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Monday 18 July 2010
A great friend, who has always been like a little sister to me has come to visit with her children. I can tell she has something on her mind but hours go by before she lets me know that she has found a lump in her groin. She found it 8 months ago and according to her Doctor..... well, he lost all of her results including two ultra sounds and two blood tests ..... then made it impossible for her to make an appointment when she questioned him. I made a phone call and had her in for a blood test an hour later!! No one should ever have to put up with that kind of poor medical care!!!!! Never mind the fear ripping through her when she relates the early death of her Mother to lymphatic cancer and her Grandmother's death from breast cancer.
Tuesday 19th July 2010
..... sometimes when you follow your instinct.... it will lead you on an unplanned adventure. After Art Therapy, I went home to pick up Lydia and go to the Library. Neither one of us had lunch, so I suggested McDonald's. We had just sat down in a booth looking into the play area. Lydia wanted to go and sit in there and after a little urging, we changed locations. The lady sitting in the seat kitty-corner to me recognized Lydia as being a classmate of her son. They are recent transplants from across the ocean and minutes into the conversation, I realize that England is missing her and the little boys chasing my daughter through the tubes. We let them know that we were going to the library and since they had no card and had never been to our local literary establishment, I invited them to tag along. Minutes later, I had two lovely young boys, thick accents and all giggling in the back seat with my daughter as their mother and grandfather followed behind. By the time she got all of their cards, i had the boys signed up for the reading program and Lydia was showing them around.
I know a lot of people and I am grateful for those who know me and who have offered friendship over the years. One such graceful and loving soul walked up to me and hugs later and a quick catch-up, she tells me that her Relay for Life team made a dedication candle bag in my honor. Hard not to tear up and be so deeply touched by such a loving gesture. As we were talking, the lovely companion I had brought with me interrupted and asked me to help her.... she had already lost her library card and was distressed. I found it as she opened her wallet inviting me to search :)... she apologized to my friend and I introduced them.... small world. Looks like I just introduced our recent transplant to a prospective new boss. She called me an Angel and you could see from her excitement that she had a really great day.
22 July 2010
I am still trying to gain some more energy and strength but am frustrated with my two steps forward... somedays I take 3 steps back. The pain tugs at me 4 hours after I have taken the pain killer/analgesic but this morning the bile coming back up from the upset it causes makes me withdraw from taking another one and so I am up this morning..... early. I am not hungry but decide to make a cup of coffee and glance over to the pool which is still cloudy. Note to self... stop going to that pool and spa place... bad advice - I have donated enough money to the cause. I putter around, read the paper and finish up a sewing project but I still find myself agitated and frustrated. I want to return to my life, and I will eventually do just that but for now I know I have to be patient.
I get asked if I am enjoying my summer.... I have to answer yes, it sure makes up for last summer but by no means is it a party till you drop kinda season for me. I have slowed down considerably - there will be no Ladies by the Pool party this year as it has been traditionally for the past 3 years. We are looking forward to the Cottage Dreams cottage that a very kind and thoughtful cottage owner has loaned to us fee free for 6 days in August. I have sewn an outfit for Lydia's dolly in preparation for our visit. With no money and creeping into debt, we will make the best of it. I just feel bad that I cannot give my children the vacation I know that we all need but hey, this sure comes really close. We are grateful for the kindness of strangers and have been so amazed by how many have come to our assistance.
My girlfriend got her blood tests back.... it's not bad, but a CT scan is required to check her chest etc. I am thinking of her as she begins her testing and I am praying that it is nothing.... she is a brave soul and will take what comes her way good or bad and deal with it.... I will always be there to guide her, like the big sister she has come to see me as.
Well, as I am putting this blog to bed.... I highlighted it and promptly erased it!!! Thank goodness for the 'undo' command. Wish it would work for the lottery ticket I won and promptly lost this afternoon.... at least I still have the chocolate bars I bought at the same time.
13 July 2010
The pain in my hands and wrists has been steadily getting worse which is now being eased with pain medication. Since I am not good at sitting for any period of time, I have continued to move and try to keep as active as possible. The pool has been a tremendous help with keeping me moving in a gravity free zone. My feet are still in pain and every morning I hobble out of bed after spending most of the night stretching out the aches that plague my limbs, feet and hands. The new medication I am on reduces the swelling and the pain making it easier for me to function. I am not comfortable taking the muscle relaxants unless I absolutely have to, so instead, I am seeing a massage therapist that specializes in lymphatic massage. This friday I will be getting a full body massage as well as a lymph massage to try and encourage the muscles to relax. I keep moving everyday, whether it is in the pool or doing some light gardening to keep myself.
17th July 2010
A wonderful baby shower for a girl whom I have known for most of her life and whom I love like one of my own children. The years have flown by. I love you so much and I am looking forward to meeting with your sweet little Payton when she makes her appearance in September.
It is a quick trip to the second venue of the day and I find myself with my classmates from my college days. Jeff is the host for this second annual event. He lost his wife to breast cancer and I am deeply saddened for this lovely soul who now spends his free time working. He has been an invaluable resource and support for me and I am excited to see him. He recounts memories of his wife re-growing her hair as he admires my thickening mane. Her cancer returned within a year of treatments.... we are never really sure if it will ever come back but know that worrying about it will not keep it at bay. I chat with my classmates and note that the children are bigger and we are all a little grayer. Thank you my friend for your incredible bravery. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Monday 18 July 2010
A great friend, who has always been like a little sister to me has come to visit with her children. I can tell she has something on her mind but hours go by before she lets me know that she has found a lump in her groin. She found it 8 months ago and according to her Doctor..... well, he lost all of her results including two ultra sounds and two blood tests ..... then made it impossible for her to make an appointment when she questioned him. I made a phone call and had her in for a blood test an hour later!! No one should ever have to put up with that kind of poor medical care!!!!! Never mind the fear ripping through her when she relates the early death of her Mother to lymphatic cancer and her Grandmother's death from breast cancer.
Tuesday 19th July 2010
..... sometimes when you follow your instinct.... it will lead you on an unplanned adventure. After Art Therapy, I went home to pick up Lydia and go to the Library. Neither one of us had lunch, so I suggested McDonald's. We had just sat down in a booth looking into the play area. Lydia wanted to go and sit in there and after a little urging, we changed locations. The lady sitting in the seat kitty-corner to me recognized Lydia as being a classmate of her son. They are recent transplants from across the ocean and minutes into the conversation, I realize that England is missing her and the little boys chasing my daughter through the tubes. We let them know that we were going to the library and since they had no card and had never been to our local literary establishment, I invited them to tag along. Minutes later, I had two lovely young boys, thick accents and all giggling in the back seat with my daughter as their mother and grandfather followed behind. By the time she got all of their cards, i had the boys signed up for the reading program and Lydia was showing them around.
I know a lot of people and I am grateful for those who know me and who have offered friendship over the years. One such graceful and loving soul walked up to me and hugs later and a quick catch-up, she tells me that her Relay for Life team made a dedication candle bag in my honor. Hard not to tear up and be so deeply touched by such a loving gesture. As we were talking, the lovely companion I had brought with me interrupted and asked me to help her.... she had already lost her library card and was distressed. I found it as she opened her wallet inviting me to search :)... she apologized to my friend and I introduced them.... small world. Looks like I just introduced our recent transplant to a prospective new boss. She called me an Angel and you could see from her excitement that she had a really great day.
22 July 2010
I am still trying to gain some more energy and strength but am frustrated with my two steps forward... somedays I take 3 steps back. The pain tugs at me 4 hours after I have taken the pain killer/analgesic but this morning the bile coming back up from the upset it causes makes me withdraw from taking another one and so I am up this morning..... early. I am not hungry but decide to make a cup of coffee and glance over to the pool which is still cloudy. Note to self... stop going to that pool and spa place... bad advice - I have donated enough money to the cause. I putter around, read the paper and finish up a sewing project but I still find myself agitated and frustrated. I want to return to my life, and I will eventually do just that but for now I know I have to be patient.
I get asked if I am enjoying my summer.... I have to answer yes, it sure makes up for last summer but by no means is it a party till you drop kinda season for me. I have slowed down considerably - there will be no Ladies by the Pool party this year as it has been traditionally for the past 3 years. We are looking forward to the Cottage Dreams cottage that a very kind and thoughtful cottage owner has loaned to us fee free for 6 days in August. I have sewn an outfit for Lydia's dolly in preparation for our visit. With no money and creeping into debt, we will make the best of it. I just feel bad that I cannot give my children the vacation I know that we all need but hey, this sure comes really close. We are grateful for the kindness of strangers and have been so amazed by how many have come to our assistance.
My girlfriend got her blood tests back.... it's not bad, but a CT scan is required to check her chest etc. I am thinking of her as she begins her testing and I am praying that it is nothing.... she is a brave soul and will take what comes her way good or bad and deal with it.... I will always be there to guide her, like the big sister she has come to see me as.
Well, as I am putting this blog to bed.... I highlighted it and promptly erased it!!! Thank goodness for the 'undo' command. Wish it would work for the lottery ticket I won and promptly lost this afternoon.... at least I still have the chocolate bars I bought at the same time.
Monday, June 14, 2010
..... the one year mark
..... the 19th of June will be the 1st anniversary of my diagnosis and the call comes in from a friend asking if I will be doing the cancer walk on the overnight of the 18th of June....
.... my answer was no... not this year. I did the walk in Belle River two years ago with the gals from the Windsor station and found it to be a very emotional event, one that I am not ready for just yet. Sarah has dropped off a bag for my children to decorate in honor of my journey and to acknowledge the journey that we all have been on. Lydia will be turning 8 on the 18th and we will spend the evening celebrating the amazing life that Max and I have created.
I am starting to regain some of my energy, well at least that's what it feels like after struggling to roll out of bed on feet that quickly ignite in pain should I forget to slip on my cushy flip flops..... and even then, I shuffle like an 80 year old before the arthritis meds kick in. I am relieved, as I pass in front of my dresser mirror slowly, that my hair is beginning to turn shades of black and brown with what looks like frosted tips. I pass my hand through the thickening mass and smile - almost there. I have a drawer in that dresser that is dedicated to my head gear and other implements of my journey, including the spare edema sleeve. The scarves I will likely never wear again but will eventually move them to a corner of my closet to make room for new clothes. I have gained some weight but have been told that that too will come off as I become more active. I will garden today or at least put in a good show as I pull myself along on my rear pulling each weed out. I am determined to accomplish as many tasks as possible but find that I exhaust easily - I rest and attempt to get back out there. It is the nights that will exact the final punishments as I try to turn every aching muscle into a more comfortable position..... I am usually too tired to care and slip into a slumber that will be hard to stir until the night sweats come. It is getting better with each waking day and I know that I will get there sooner than later - part of the stubborn streak that has served me well.
Tonight, i cannot sleep and find myself writing out email responses and one with a quiet resignation to my VP and secretary on our recreational committee I have served on for a decade and have become president of over the past three years. So much has changed with me and what I consider to be important and what needs my attention. I love my quiet time and the peacefulness that it brings into my life. I am reading voraciously these days... mostly mysteries - one where the heroin is strong willed, intelligent, motivated and driven by all-important truth and justice. I sometimes find myself looking back at my life and wondering about the choices I made... had they been different, would I still be here? If I had to do a do-over, what would I do differently? I know that I always withdraw when I need to gather strength - these past few weeks have me feeling detached and alone while quietly reflecting on what has been and what might possibly be in my future. I am caught in no-man's land. I am used to a regimented life filled with decisions that are mostly made with other schedules or agendas in mind. My only agenda these days is what tasks I choose to do at home and what they will consist of.....most repeat themselves ad-nauseam like dishes and laundry. The things I choose to do that I enjoy are definitely more a part of my schedule than ever before. I don't watch TV much anymore but I do sewing projects, reading, gardening and of course writing. I get to see the people I want to see and miss those whose lives are busier than mine is at the moment. It is amazing how quickly the time passes at home. I am beginning the arduous task of spring cleaning - not all of it has to do with the house.
Late last month I was interviewed on a UWO radio talk show with Patricia Kennedy and around the same time as the new edition of City Woman Magazine's interview with me about F.A.C.E.I.T, complete with the picture of me before my journey began last July. I have been told that the picture is one of strength... at least the eyes show that. I have autographed a few of these articles for friends but feel really weird about it. I prefer to be behind the scenes despite my outgoing appearance and cringe when I hear my name spoken out loud these days. I like my ordinary existence which likely explains the desire to withdraw from the world these days. I have found the quiet within.... haven't had that peace and quiet since I was a child. I love the quiet and the solitary moments while I sew or create new projects or do research online for the advocacy I am involved in. I love the moments that bring friends around for quiet afternoon lunches or for toe-dipping in the pool as the summer progresses. I love the beautiful plants that are springing to life that I pulled from the depths of our storage room from last fall. The spring is alive and well at my house and I take pride in the beauty that surrounds the house and envelopes our senses.
Amazing what can happen in a year and like I told Patricia Kennedy... I got what I deserved..... I needed to slow my pace and spend some time living my life and yes, I have learned to live my life to the fullest. It's not like I don't give my mortality a great deal of thought more than I give myself more opportunities to do the things I want to do above and beyond the mundane chores of our daily lives. Perhaps I will write that mystery novel I have been meaning to get to or spend a lazy afternoon in the hammock with my soul mate. We are only here for such a microscopic tick on the timeline of our world and I will try to make every moment count. I see my husband outside puttering in the garden and my heart bursts as he turns to look at me and our eyes lock. We are so much in love after all these years and I am deeply grateful for every day we are together. Who knows what will come... for now, I will take the very best of the last year and head out to sit with my husband.... xox
14 June 2010
Today I spent an amazing afternoon with a woman whom inspires me with her strength of character and her celebration of life. She accepts who she is and knows where she is going. Her yard was amazing and her house was filled with high energy - my kind of gal!! Thank you so much for opening your home to me.
I came home to find an email in my inbox from Cottage Dreams!! We have been granted a cottage for my family and I to go to in the Muskokas (my choice) to make up for the summer last year that wasn't!! We are all so excited to be able to celebrate by the water at the end of a dock in a cottage donated for the week to a family who have been through the cancer journey. I am grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened along the way.
.... my answer was no... not this year. I did the walk in Belle River two years ago with the gals from the Windsor station and found it to be a very emotional event, one that I am not ready for just yet. Sarah has dropped off a bag for my children to decorate in honor of my journey and to acknowledge the journey that we all have been on. Lydia will be turning 8 on the 18th and we will spend the evening celebrating the amazing life that Max and I have created.
I am starting to regain some of my energy, well at least that's what it feels like after struggling to roll out of bed on feet that quickly ignite in pain should I forget to slip on my cushy flip flops..... and even then, I shuffle like an 80 year old before the arthritis meds kick in. I am relieved, as I pass in front of my dresser mirror slowly, that my hair is beginning to turn shades of black and brown with what looks like frosted tips. I pass my hand through the thickening mass and smile - almost there. I have a drawer in that dresser that is dedicated to my head gear and other implements of my journey, including the spare edema sleeve. The scarves I will likely never wear again but will eventually move them to a corner of my closet to make room for new clothes. I have gained some weight but have been told that that too will come off as I become more active. I will garden today or at least put in a good show as I pull myself along on my rear pulling each weed out. I am determined to accomplish as many tasks as possible but find that I exhaust easily - I rest and attempt to get back out there. It is the nights that will exact the final punishments as I try to turn every aching muscle into a more comfortable position..... I am usually too tired to care and slip into a slumber that will be hard to stir until the night sweats come. It is getting better with each waking day and I know that I will get there sooner than later - part of the stubborn streak that has served me well.
Tonight, i cannot sleep and find myself writing out email responses and one with a quiet resignation to my VP and secretary on our recreational committee I have served on for a decade and have become president of over the past three years. So much has changed with me and what I consider to be important and what needs my attention. I love my quiet time and the peacefulness that it brings into my life. I am reading voraciously these days... mostly mysteries - one where the heroin is strong willed, intelligent, motivated and driven by all-important truth and justice. I sometimes find myself looking back at my life and wondering about the choices I made... had they been different, would I still be here? If I had to do a do-over, what would I do differently? I know that I always withdraw when I need to gather strength - these past few weeks have me feeling detached and alone while quietly reflecting on what has been and what might possibly be in my future. I am caught in no-man's land. I am used to a regimented life filled with decisions that are mostly made with other schedules or agendas in mind. My only agenda these days is what tasks I choose to do at home and what they will consist of.....most repeat themselves ad-nauseam like dishes and laundry. The things I choose to do that I enjoy are definitely more a part of my schedule than ever before. I don't watch TV much anymore but I do sewing projects, reading, gardening and of course writing. I get to see the people I want to see and miss those whose lives are busier than mine is at the moment. It is amazing how quickly the time passes at home. I am beginning the arduous task of spring cleaning - not all of it has to do with the house.
Late last month I was interviewed on a UWO radio talk show with Patricia Kennedy and around the same time as the new edition of City Woman Magazine's interview with me about F.A.C.E.I.T, complete with the picture of me before my journey began last July. I have been told that the picture is one of strength... at least the eyes show that. I have autographed a few of these articles for friends but feel really weird about it. I prefer to be behind the scenes despite my outgoing appearance and cringe when I hear my name spoken out loud these days. I like my ordinary existence which likely explains the desire to withdraw from the world these days. I have found the quiet within.... haven't had that peace and quiet since I was a child. I love the quiet and the solitary moments while I sew or create new projects or do research online for the advocacy I am involved in. I love the moments that bring friends around for quiet afternoon lunches or for toe-dipping in the pool as the summer progresses. I love the beautiful plants that are springing to life that I pulled from the depths of our storage room from last fall. The spring is alive and well at my house and I take pride in the beauty that surrounds the house and envelopes our senses.
Amazing what can happen in a year and like I told Patricia Kennedy... I got what I deserved..... I needed to slow my pace and spend some time living my life and yes, I have learned to live my life to the fullest. It's not like I don't give my mortality a great deal of thought more than I give myself more opportunities to do the things I want to do above and beyond the mundane chores of our daily lives. Perhaps I will write that mystery novel I have been meaning to get to or spend a lazy afternoon in the hammock with my soul mate. We are only here for such a microscopic tick on the timeline of our world and I will try to make every moment count. I see my husband outside puttering in the garden and my heart bursts as he turns to look at me and our eyes lock. We are so much in love after all these years and I am deeply grateful for every day we are together. Who knows what will come... for now, I will take the very best of the last year and head out to sit with my husband.... xox
14 June 2010
Today I spent an amazing afternoon with a woman whom inspires me with her strength of character and her celebration of life. She accepts who she is and knows where she is going. Her yard was amazing and her house was filled with high energy - my kind of gal!! Thank you so much for opening your home to me.
I came home to find an email in my inbox from Cottage Dreams!! We have been granted a cottage for my family and I to go to in the Muskokas (my choice) to make up for the summer last year that wasn't!! We are all so excited to be able to celebrate by the water at the end of a dock in a cottage donated for the week to a family who have been through the cancer journey. I am grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened along the way.
Monday, May 31, 2010
.....evolving
...... the feet still hurt even with a double layer of gel insoles in my new runners. My feet were in so much pain last night that I was unable to sleep as I kept trying to stretch them. Max hates feet and yet last night, he helped massage them
The long weekend was spent out in Ottawa re-connecting with classmates I knew 30 years ago. I started out my travels by driving to Kitchener and parking my car in a car pool lot, meeting up with Roman who drove the rest of the way. We were able to catch up on the long drive and fill in the missing years. He used to live a few doors down from the townhouse I was staying in after I left home. Now it's just his Mom who lives there. We pull into the townhouse complex of my long-time pal Debbie after being on the highway for 7 hours - she and Alfie have fallen asleep on their respective comfy chairs but he wakes first when he hears me call his name. He gets Deb up and she sleepily drags herself off the couch and grins from ear to ear as the arms come up and engulf me in a huge hug. We step back and now we are both grinning.... the weekend has begun, at least for me. Deb has to go to bed as she is going to work in a few short hours. Roman is off to his Mom's house and we promise to meet the next day to do some touring.
The morning brings the warm sunshine and the smell of fresh coffee - Alfie is in the kitchen making me breakfast and I am totally spoiled. We spend the morning getting to know each other and I listen to the slight east-coast accent. His eyes are blue like the sky, he is tall and handsome and well spoken and I can see what a wonderful guy he is and why Deb loves him so much. Roman arrives in the late morning and he needs to shop for a new bike - his mid-life crisis has him getting into shape in various sports and judging by the conversation he has with the sales guy at the local Sports Chek, he really knows his stuff. He is methodical and careful about his purchase as he goes over every detail comparing the two top choices. I am used to being around techies, as I am already one and his choice reflects the esthetics after the mechanicals both pass. He has ridden the bikes multiple times through the store and still finds the color determines the final choice. We walk around the mall and choose a lebanese place to eat. Roman finds the choice a good one and digs into his shawarma. It reminds me of one of my best friends who lives in the area - I have left her a message but will not hear back from her until I have already left the city. Roman drops me off at Deb's and makes his way home but later calls to let us know that he would like to eat dinner with us since he has no dinner plans. Roman comes for dinner and drinks and Alfie offers to drive us out to the Byward Market. It has been a long time since I was last here. The evening is warm and the population begins to soar as the evening progresses - it is after all, Friday night!! It is the official location for the 4 bars participating in the reunion. Our class is between decades, so we start with the 70's crowd at the Honest Lawyers and then later find ourselves in the Velvet Room for the 80's group where we run into many of our classmates. It was a fun evening but fatigue finally won as we headed back to the Honest Lawyers to meet up with our designated driver. Stepping inside the bar for a last parting drink for my companions, I bumped into Deb Mac... she was like a second Mom to me - 8 years older and wiser beyond her years. She would often be a source of comfort when the world was feeling crazy and looking at her I couldn't help but cry!! Hugs and kisses later, we chat and catch up. The bar fight in the corner, complete with blood bath signal that it is time to go home and a few minutes later, the dynamic trio is on the sidewalk getting picked up by Alfie!! We giggle all the way home and find our way up to bed. Debbie has had a few too many and I can hear her throwing up in the bathroom next door - Yikes, sounds like she uncoiled all 32 feet of intestines and she is golfing in the early morning!!!!
The morning comes quickly and I can hear the two of them leave the house just as I am pulling myself free of the sheets. It looks like it might rain at their golf tournament and I roll out of bed searching out a cup of joe. I find the almost full coffee pot and the irish creamer on the counter.... ah, life is good. It will be a few hours until Roman calls, so I shower, eat and cozy in with my book. We are going to the tulip festival where an old classmate of ours is playing at a park next to Dow's Lake. We arrive and walk around with many tourists and are dissapointed that the tulips have all flowered the week before and have only brown leaves and empty stalks to photograph.... weird spring in Ontario!! Rob Letourneau is in the band Black Cherry as the drummer - a truly talented player whose husky voice and constant physical movement reminds me of a kid who would have been diagnosed as ADHD in today's world. He is pure fun with his quick smile and twinkling brown eyes. His wife is the centered smart manager who keeps him grounded and eyes us as we approach. Her guard drops when she recognizes Roman. Roman and Rob - both musicians, both talented and complimentary of each other shake hands and start to reminisce about days long ago. Roman is an accomplished guitar player - learned most of his music by ear. We listen to the tunes they belt out with their newest addition, a young lady whose nervousness shows in the stilted movements and off-tone voice.... it's her first public gig and her father is sitting front row... Diane G. shows up with her hubby and I am able to chat with her and get her signature in a little book I have purchased for the weekend. We have a few more hours before I have to get back to the house to get ready for the evening activities at our high school - school tour and dinner. We drive over to my old neighborhood, to the townhouses that were still under construction when we moved in. It looks so small when we drive up to my old unit and get out to take pictures. I was in my mid teens when I moved out - I remember the morning of the last day I lived there and the unceremonious handing over of the house keys and the $30 thrust into my hands. I had a suitcase and my tape deck with me and I was moving out - June 1981.... still just a kid. The back yards were just postage stamp size and still are but now the home owners have claimed the territory beyond their little wooden fences for flowers and vegetables.
The green space behind our unit is now filled with scrub bushes and trees. The owner of our unit and the owners of the end unit next door come out and we chat about the old days - they are younger than I am and the one husband has lived in the neighborhood his whole life - I likely babysat him. They have roots, I am still developing mine after having been an army brat who moved more times than I care to remember. We leave the neighborhood and I ponder about what it would have been like to have parents still living in the old neighborhood..... I do not recognize anyone as we slowly drive along the loop and past the swimming pool that is under repair. It is time to go 'home' and get ready for the evening. Roman can walk from where he lives and will meet us there.
What an interesting gathering of students who span the course of 40 years. The school was only 8 years old when I first attended but looking around now.... you can see the wear and tear. There are portables on the far side of the school and one in the back making it look rather rag tag. The trees soar above our heads and block the bank of second story windows in the front. I remember doing greens keeping when the trees were just barely above the first floor lower windowsills. The hallway walls are a host to colorful student artistic endeavors - a wonderful take from the once barren and austere look of our time. The halls are smaller but I remember where all the lockers used to be and are now reclaimed for sitting space or new classrooms. I could feel the rush of air as fast feet move past when I close my eyes and I envision what it was like and I point out memories to Deb and Peter whom I have accompanied on this journey through time. We laugh as we stand in front of colorful artwork in the front stairwell and I can't see past the tree blocking the view..... so long ago as we put the camera away and walk on. No regrets, it was a fun walk into the past and parts of my heart tug when I remember the friends I had and whom I lost touch with and how distant I am from my past..... something to be said about roots. I will never go back for another reunion but will keep in touch with those I have just spent time with.
I am ready to leave for home early in the evening after a wonderful dinner with Alfie, Deb, Roman and Alfie's son, daughter-in-law and two small girls. It made me so home sick for my own children. Roman helps me pack the van and as we pull away and I see Deb standing at the end of her front walk, the tears begin to roll. Roman rolls down the window and lets Deb know that I am bawling, and I am. We are going home and the long drive begins to wear on my nerves.... need to get home and we are running out of gas!! We make it into only one of two gas stations open on the stretch between Ottawa and Kitchener with only 3 KM to spare - we laugh and take pictures for posterity. I manage to get into my car and head towards home and feel a deep sense of relief when I finally tuck myself in beside my amazing husband.
The rest of the week has been spent enjoying an unusually hot spring - the pots around the pool are in full bloom and the pool is a balmy 77 degrees taking us into the new month of June.
The long weekend was spent out in Ottawa re-connecting with classmates I knew 30 years ago. I started out my travels by driving to Kitchener and parking my car in a car pool lot, meeting up with Roman who drove the rest of the way. We were able to catch up on the long drive and fill in the missing years. He used to live a few doors down from the townhouse I was staying in after I left home. Now it's just his Mom who lives there. We pull into the townhouse complex of my long-time pal Debbie after being on the highway for 7 hours - she and Alfie have fallen asleep on their respective comfy chairs but he wakes first when he hears me call his name. He gets Deb up and she sleepily drags herself off the couch and grins from ear to ear as the arms come up and engulf me in a huge hug. We step back and now we are both grinning.... the weekend has begun, at least for me. Deb has to go to bed as she is going to work in a few short hours. Roman is off to his Mom's house and we promise to meet the next day to do some touring.
The morning brings the warm sunshine and the smell of fresh coffee - Alfie is in the kitchen making me breakfast and I am totally spoiled. We spend the morning getting to know each other and I listen to the slight east-coast accent. His eyes are blue like the sky, he is tall and handsome and well spoken and I can see what a wonderful guy he is and why Deb loves him so much. Roman arrives in the late morning and he needs to shop for a new bike - his mid-life crisis has him getting into shape in various sports and judging by the conversation he has with the sales guy at the local Sports Chek, he really knows his stuff. He is methodical and careful about his purchase as he goes over every detail comparing the two top choices. I am used to being around techies, as I am already one and his choice reflects the esthetics after the mechanicals both pass. He has ridden the bikes multiple times through the store and still finds the color determines the final choice. We walk around the mall and choose a lebanese place to eat. Roman finds the choice a good one and digs into his shawarma. It reminds me of one of my best friends who lives in the area - I have left her a message but will not hear back from her until I have already left the city. Roman drops me off at Deb's and makes his way home but later calls to let us know that he would like to eat dinner with us since he has no dinner plans. Roman comes for dinner and drinks and Alfie offers to drive us out to the Byward Market. It has been a long time since I was last here. The evening is warm and the population begins to soar as the evening progresses - it is after all, Friday night!! It is the official location for the 4 bars participating in the reunion. Our class is between decades, so we start with the 70's crowd at the Honest Lawyers and then later find ourselves in the Velvet Room for the 80's group where we run into many of our classmates. It was a fun evening but fatigue finally won as we headed back to the Honest Lawyers to meet up with our designated driver. Stepping inside the bar for a last parting drink for my companions, I bumped into Deb Mac... she was like a second Mom to me - 8 years older and wiser beyond her years. She would often be a source of comfort when the world was feeling crazy and looking at her I couldn't help but cry!! Hugs and kisses later, we chat and catch up. The bar fight in the corner, complete with blood bath signal that it is time to go home and a few minutes later, the dynamic trio is on the sidewalk getting picked up by Alfie!! We giggle all the way home and find our way up to bed. Debbie has had a few too many and I can hear her throwing up in the bathroom next door - Yikes, sounds like she uncoiled all 32 feet of intestines and she is golfing in the early morning!!!!
The morning comes quickly and I can hear the two of them leave the house just as I am pulling myself free of the sheets. It looks like it might rain at their golf tournament and I roll out of bed searching out a cup of joe. I find the almost full coffee pot and the irish creamer on the counter.... ah, life is good. It will be a few hours until Roman calls, so I shower, eat and cozy in with my book. We are going to the tulip festival where an old classmate of ours is playing at a park next to Dow's Lake. We arrive and walk around with many tourists and are dissapointed that the tulips have all flowered the week before and have only brown leaves and empty stalks to photograph.... weird spring in Ontario!! Rob Letourneau is in the band Black Cherry as the drummer - a truly talented player whose husky voice and constant physical movement reminds me of a kid who would have been diagnosed as ADHD in today's world. He is pure fun with his quick smile and twinkling brown eyes. His wife is the centered smart manager who keeps him grounded and eyes us as we approach. Her guard drops when she recognizes Roman. Roman and Rob - both musicians, both talented and complimentary of each other shake hands and start to reminisce about days long ago. Roman is an accomplished guitar player - learned most of his music by ear. We listen to the tunes they belt out with their newest addition, a young lady whose nervousness shows in the stilted movements and off-tone voice.... it's her first public gig and her father is sitting front row... Diane G. shows up with her hubby and I am able to chat with her and get her signature in a little book I have purchased for the weekend. We have a few more hours before I have to get back to the house to get ready for the evening activities at our high school - school tour and dinner. We drive over to my old neighborhood, to the townhouses that were still under construction when we moved in. It looks so small when we drive up to my old unit and get out to take pictures. I was in my mid teens when I moved out - I remember the morning of the last day I lived there and the unceremonious handing over of the house keys and the $30 thrust into my hands. I had a suitcase and my tape deck with me and I was moving out - June 1981.... still just a kid. The back yards were just postage stamp size and still are but now the home owners have claimed the territory beyond their little wooden fences for flowers and vegetables.
The green space behind our unit is now filled with scrub bushes and trees. The owner of our unit and the owners of the end unit next door come out and we chat about the old days - they are younger than I am and the one husband has lived in the neighborhood his whole life - I likely babysat him. They have roots, I am still developing mine after having been an army brat who moved more times than I care to remember. We leave the neighborhood and I ponder about what it would have been like to have parents still living in the old neighborhood..... I do not recognize anyone as we slowly drive along the loop and past the swimming pool that is under repair. It is time to go 'home' and get ready for the evening. Roman can walk from where he lives and will meet us there.
What an interesting gathering of students who span the course of 40 years. The school was only 8 years old when I first attended but looking around now.... you can see the wear and tear. There are portables on the far side of the school and one in the back making it look rather rag tag. The trees soar above our heads and block the bank of second story windows in the front. I remember doing greens keeping when the trees were just barely above the first floor lower windowsills. The hallway walls are a host to colorful student artistic endeavors - a wonderful take from the once barren and austere look of our time. The halls are smaller but I remember where all the lockers used to be and are now reclaimed for sitting space or new classrooms. I could feel the rush of air as fast feet move past when I close my eyes and I envision what it was like and I point out memories to Deb and Peter whom I have accompanied on this journey through time. We laugh as we stand in front of colorful artwork in the front stairwell and I can't see past the tree blocking the view..... so long ago as we put the camera away and walk on. No regrets, it was a fun walk into the past and parts of my heart tug when I remember the friends I had and whom I lost touch with and how distant I am from my past..... something to be said about roots. I will never go back for another reunion but will keep in touch with those I have just spent time with.
I am ready to leave for home early in the evening after a wonderful dinner with Alfie, Deb, Roman and Alfie's son, daughter-in-law and two small girls. It made me so home sick for my own children. Roman helps me pack the van and as we pull away and I see Deb standing at the end of her front walk, the tears begin to roll. Roman rolls down the window and lets Deb know that I am bawling, and I am. We are going home and the long drive begins to wear on my nerves.... need to get home and we are running out of gas!! We make it into only one of two gas stations open on the stretch between Ottawa and Kitchener with only 3 KM to spare - we laugh and take pictures for posterity. I manage to get into my car and head towards home and feel a deep sense of relief when I finally tuck myself in beside my amazing husband.
The rest of the week has been spent enjoying an unusually hot spring - the pots around the pool are in full bloom and the pool is a balmy 77 degrees taking us into the new month of June.
Monday, May 17, 2010
..... family comes to call
...... my parents, older sister, brother and nephew have come a long way to visit with us and arrive on Mother's Day within minutes of my in-laws. All these people I love under one roof.... so many people laughing and exchanging stories around the dinner table. Gina is probably right when she says that it will likely be the last time we are all together under the same roof.
Monday 10th May
Today is my Mother's 77th birthday and Gina and I break out in 'Happy Birthday'. I have not slept well.... surprise, but am on my best humor as I prepare breakfast for 11 people at 6 am. The kids are up early and eager to sit around the table and be a part of the energy that swirls around and incorporates everyone. Gina and her son Ben are only overnight guests after dropping my parents off - they will make their way up to Tobermorey to catch the ferry which will take them up to Manitoulin Island, shortening up their trip out to BC.
Today will be a long day... Dad has the beginnings of Alzheimer's which becomes more apparent as he grabs his dinner plate and makes his way over to the bathroom off the family room and Max takes him by the elbow and guides him over to the dinning room while he expresses a sense of surprise when he realizes that he has never been to that side of the house..... he had breakfast there hours before.... I react by laughing almost hysterically - not because it is funny but because I would be crying otherwise. We take him out shopping - he loves going out and ends up wandering off in his own direction but not the one we need him to go in and he is shuffling his feet. His eyes look distant when I approach him and slip my hand into his which gets his attention and he smiles at me with his beautiful blue eyes. The ends of his fingers are bent every which way but straight, so I make sure that I do not squeeze them as I lead him through the store while trying to pick up a chicken and some sugar for his coffee. My Mom just follows along. Shopping with them is akin to playing psychologist/daughter. They each bend my ear when they are sure the other is out of earshot and funny enough, probably because they have been together for almost 50 years, they say the same things. Each of them, despite the complaints they will issue about the other... it would be wise not to say anything other than the positives about each of them, to each other.
I am tired and need to have some down time - I have now set aside quiet time for the two of them in the afternoon and will put on a movie or ask that they read a book. During the day, I take them for walks in the mall because it is not warm enough outside. I am reading the Nora Roberts books - J.D Robb series and love the time spent reading these mysteries.
Thursday 13th May 2010
My Dad is staying in bed today.... must be all the activity of the past few days - forced marches through the shopping malls that he loves so much. The weather is providing most of this depressive mood and I and Mom are downstairs wrapped in blankets and reading magazines or a book... perfect day for just relaxing. Time goes by fast when you are at home, surprisingly, this afternoon is as well.
I missed yoga this morning - my doctor thinks I may have Plantar fasciitis which is painful. It is like my heels are walking on a rock. My hands still are numb at the tips and my left shoulder is causing me some pain and popping noises are abundant when I move the arm..... need to go back to the gym when my parents head out on Monday to go back home. We managed to book them on a train that will travel straight to their destination without having to transfer trains in Toronto. They will be traveling first class for the first time and I know that they will be well taken care of and well fed. Last thing we need to worry about is Dad getting lost in a train station. I will take them to the train station and will see them board the train and make sure that the person picking them up is going to be at their destination. Gina and Benjamine have travelled into Saskatchewan as of last night. They reported that the Chi Cheemaun Ferry was a great idea and cut short their travel time by a few hours. The country they travelled through to get there is gorgeous. They anticipate an arrival home by Friday afternoon. I miss them already.
Saturday 15th May
It is my birthday.... I am now 46 and will celebrate the end of a really long year and a journey that re-routed me from a predictable path to the unknown. I will celebrate a new birthday today that will hopefully be the start of a very good year. My parents take us all out to dinner to a chinese restaurant that I always took my children to before we moved four years ago. The owner steps out to say hello and to fuss over the kids.... she taught Will how to use chop sticks a dozen years ago and her son and mine would sit together and watch TV in the back kitchen while waiting for her husband to cook our meal. Now her son is serving our table and William towers over her..... where does the time go?
My deepest condolences to John and Sue on the passing of his father today. Through all the sadness of his passing and her step-mother, who will soon also pass from this world, she has thoughtfully brought over home-made cupcakes and card to celebrate my special day. I am deeply sorry for the week you are having and I wish I could make it better. I love you Sue. xo
Sunday 16th May
My parents do not have a lot of money but are quick to pull out their wallets to try and pay for everything.... once a parent, always a parent. My Dad is starting to show the stress of having Alzheimer's in a strange place. We found that he had folded his pajamas and house shoes in a neat pile in the livingroom - he keeps telling me that we need to get ready to go to the train station. No worries, I tell him, the train leaves after you wake up tomorrow morning. He began the ritual over again when he woke up from his nap. This morning I found him laying down on the bed with one house shoe on and one off. He was so thirsty and couldn't find a tap to fill his glass (bathroom is next to his room) so he decided to just take a nap. I sat with him while he drank from the cup I had filled for him. I filled it three times while he rambled on about France. He has repeated the same stories over and again and I can now repeat some of them verbatim. He sits at the edge of the bed looking forlorn, his eyes are far away and I just hold his hand and rub his back. He is quick to tear up when I am talking about the wonderful people who have helped me in my journey and rubs his eyes with the back of his large soft hands - the tips of which are cantered in different angles signifying a rheumatism of sorts. My mother is looking quite worn with fatigue as he has been coughing most of the night and quickly falls asleep on the couch in the afternoon and I just cover her up with a blanket. She begins to snore part way through her nap. I study her face and see how old she really looks and I am sad. My parents are in the last years of their lives and circumstances of our modern world have them living farther away than any parent should live from their children. I have spoken with them about moving but they are set on staying where they are. We have also discussed finding them a retirement home close to where they live and have said they would consider it later. Right now my Dad still has most of his wits about him but that will soon go with all the memories of us. Mom has come down to say goodnight and I am trying not to tear up - I have been tucking them in every night when I can but tonight I am filled with emotions and do not want them to see me lest it upsets them. I run the furnace fan all night and open my windows near the cold air intake so that my father will not cough because of the stuffy room they are in.
Monday 17th May
Although I have slept well this week, I did not sleep at all last night... worried we would get up late and they would miss their train, but I can hear my Dad up at 5:30 washing his face and hands and getting ready for the day. Lydia is up just after I rise to take a shower and she informs them that she will be taking them to the train station. We arrive early to check in their suitcase and get them settled into the first class waiting room. I get Mom a Cappuccino and Dad gets a paper to take with him to read on the train. Lydia would like a hot chocolate but I inform her that we will get something later as this is only for the train passengers. She reads out the breakfast menu for the train ride to Toronto and begs me to let her travel with my parents - what a magical journey they must be going on where they feed them while they are riding the train. She pouts as she sits with them. I realize, looking into my father's beautiful soft blue eyes that waiting until the train pulls in will cause him duress - the tears have come so quickly for him these past few days and this would just be too much. I quickly rise and instruct Lydia to say her good byes to them.... it has all happened so fast as I hug my parents and kiss their cheeks. I look into their eyes and tell them I love them.... have a safe journey and please enjoy the trip. I am out the door with Lydia in tow before they realize we are gone. 'No tears' I kept saying to my Mom, 'just smile'. I will have time for tears later....
I make sure the kids are off to school and head out to the car dealership to once again check the tires for the annoying tire pressure light that has once again come up - this is the third time in as many weeks. I will wait for them to rectify the situation in the waiting room. I am only there a few minutes when I look up from my book and see Pat. It is a small world - I just met her again last weekend at the Breast Show In Town, and now here she is sitting across from me... neither of us have an appointment. I make my way over to her and begin talking...... I offer her a coffee and our conversation flows like a lazy river on a warm sunny afternoon. We have a lot in common and a real parallel life story. She takes down my email and she will get in touch with me. Many times in my journey, I have found that the little inconveniences seem to be part of the pay attention opportunities that only become opportunities when you recognize them as such.... it is an interesting life.
..... tears do come later but not in torrents and only because I know that I will miss my parents.... I will miss my Dad and all that he was when his illness robs him of his recent and then past memories. He speaks of his sister and his mother and is confused why they lost touch..... so long ago, so much has happened in between.... I heard him muttering under his breath many times in a voice so whisper thin, I could barely make out the words but got the impression he was trying to remember things that were important and repeated them in order to keep it in his mind. It is so hard to see my pal begin to disintegrate before my eyes. My children love how funny and affectionate he is. He is mesmerized by Lydia as he describes her to be all knees and elbows as she crawls all over him. He is patient with her and smiles when she pats his face and looks into his eyes..... his distant far away eyes which sharpen when she gets in close. He is blind and sees so little at arms length but can see her clearly when she comes in close for hugs. William laughed at him the other night when Dad walked into his room butt naked - he just took Dad by the hand and walked him to the room next door for my mother to dress him after his bath. My Dad was always fiercely independent..... a trait he passed on to me.....
I will miss my Dad as I watch the clock and envision where they are on the train...... the tears fall.... we all have a journey and this is his.... I Love you always and forever.... what I wrote in the hand-painted birthday card I made for him last night while he sat on the couch sleeping.
I will miss my Mom too. She always says life is not easy..... she has said it her whole life, and as we sit at the table while I paint her a card, I tell her that all of us have a journey and easy or not - it is the cards that are dealt to us. Every event has been a challenge to her and she never seemed to see the opportunities when they presented themselves to her..... and so, she failed to recognize them as such and labelled everything 'wasn't easy'. She is perplexed at how I view my cancer as an opportunity... an opportunity to learn, grow and meet like-minded people. She sees the pain but finds the positives elusive..... she is a lonely person, I have seen it many times in her over the years but most often she can hide it quite well. I learned to be a rock in her world. She is gentle and soft with eyes that tear up when I look into them and wish her a safe and fun journey. I promise her that I will call in the evening to make sure that they have arrived home safe and sound. For days, I have been building up her confidence to travel by train and to enjoy the trip..... she is ready. I have bid a quick and early good-bye which has taken her by surprise - she has little time to react and I know I have made the right decision as I walk quickly away. Her tears will fall when the train trip ends..... our visit will be complete. I Love you always and forever. xoxo
I cried a lot this afternoon when there was no one around..... I will miss you both so very much.
I called my parents just as they were coming in the front door from their trip - they are both tired but really enjoyed the first class ride from Via. We have promised to keep in touch and to not wait so long in between visits - they are looking forward to another trip back to us for a visit!!! I will pack up a care package for them with memories of their visit with us and will send them cards every month filled with pictures and notes from Lydia.
Thank you to Emily for her lovely handwritten card to Lydia!!! xo
Tonight, Lydia will go to her first soccer practice..... I used to play on an all-male team when I was in the military and do soccer camps for kids.... now I get to watch from the sidelines and cheer on my own child 25 years later. The Long week end will find me in Ottawa for my 30th high school reunion - an old classmate of mine will be driving us out and back... still too tired to do any driving much past an hour. It will be great catching up!!! Sending out the love to all my family and friends and especially to Sue. xox
Monday 10th May
Today is my Mother's 77th birthday and Gina and I break out in 'Happy Birthday'. I have not slept well.... surprise, but am on my best humor as I prepare breakfast for 11 people at 6 am. The kids are up early and eager to sit around the table and be a part of the energy that swirls around and incorporates everyone. Gina and her son Ben are only overnight guests after dropping my parents off - they will make their way up to Tobermorey to catch the ferry which will take them up to Manitoulin Island, shortening up their trip out to BC.
Today will be a long day... Dad has the beginnings of Alzheimer's which becomes more apparent as he grabs his dinner plate and makes his way over to the bathroom off the family room and Max takes him by the elbow and guides him over to the dinning room while he expresses a sense of surprise when he realizes that he has never been to that side of the house..... he had breakfast there hours before.... I react by laughing almost hysterically - not because it is funny but because I would be crying otherwise. We take him out shopping - he loves going out and ends up wandering off in his own direction but not the one we need him to go in and he is shuffling his feet. His eyes look distant when I approach him and slip my hand into his which gets his attention and he smiles at me with his beautiful blue eyes. The ends of his fingers are bent every which way but straight, so I make sure that I do not squeeze them as I lead him through the store while trying to pick up a chicken and some sugar for his coffee. My Mom just follows along. Shopping with them is akin to playing psychologist/daughter. They each bend my ear when they are sure the other is out of earshot and funny enough, probably because they have been together for almost 50 years, they say the same things. Each of them, despite the complaints they will issue about the other... it would be wise not to say anything other than the positives about each of them, to each other.
I am tired and need to have some down time - I have now set aside quiet time for the two of them in the afternoon and will put on a movie or ask that they read a book. During the day, I take them for walks in the mall because it is not warm enough outside. I am reading the Nora Roberts books - J.D Robb series and love the time spent reading these mysteries.
Thursday 13th May 2010
My Dad is staying in bed today.... must be all the activity of the past few days - forced marches through the shopping malls that he loves so much. The weather is providing most of this depressive mood and I and Mom are downstairs wrapped in blankets and reading magazines or a book... perfect day for just relaxing. Time goes by fast when you are at home, surprisingly, this afternoon is as well.
I missed yoga this morning - my doctor thinks I may have Plantar fasciitis which is painful. It is like my heels are walking on a rock. My hands still are numb at the tips and my left shoulder is causing me some pain and popping noises are abundant when I move the arm..... need to go back to the gym when my parents head out on Monday to go back home. We managed to book them on a train that will travel straight to their destination without having to transfer trains in Toronto. They will be traveling first class for the first time and I know that they will be well taken care of and well fed. Last thing we need to worry about is Dad getting lost in a train station. I will take them to the train station and will see them board the train and make sure that the person picking them up is going to be at their destination. Gina and Benjamine have travelled into Saskatchewan as of last night. They reported that the Chi Cheemaun Ferry was a great idea and cut short their travel time by a few hours. The country they travelled through to get there is gorgeous. They anticipate an arrival home by Friday afternoon. I miss them already.
Saturday 15th May
It is my birthday.... I am now 46 and will celebrate the end of a really long year and a journey that re-routed me from a predictable path to the unknown. I will celebrate a new birthday today that will hopefully be the start of a very good year. My parents take us all out to dinner to a chinese restaurant that I always took my children to before we moved four years ago. The owner steps out to say hello and to fuss over the kids.... she taught Will how to use chop sticks a dozen years ago and her son and mine would sit together and watch TV in the back kitchen while waiting for her husband to cook our meal. Now her son is serving our table and William towers over her..... where does the time go?
My deepest condolences to John and Sue on the passing of his father today. Through all the sadness of his passing and her step-mother, who will soon also pass from this world, she has thoughtfully brought over home-made cupcakes and card to celebrate my special day. I am deeply sorry for the week you are having and I wish I could make it better. I love you Sue. xo
Sunday 16th May
My parents do not have a lot of money but are quick to pull out their wallets to try and pay for everything.... once a parent, always a parent. My Dad is starting to show the stress of having Alzheimer's in a strange place. We found that he had folded his pajamas and house shoes in a neat pile in the livingroom - he keeps telling me that we need to get ready to go to the train station. No worries, I tell him, the train leaves after you wake up tomorrow morning. He began the ritual over again when he woke up from his nap. This morning I found him laying down on the bed with one house shoe on and one off. He was so thirsty and couldn't find a tap to fill his glass (bathroom is next to his room) so he decided to just take a nap. I sat with him while he drank from the cup I had filled for him. I filled it three times while he rambled on about France. He has repeated the same stories over and again and I can now repeat some of them verbatim. He sits at the edge of the bed looking forlorn, his eyes are far away and I just hold his hand and rub his back. He is quick to tear up when I am talking about the wonderful people who have helped me in my journey and rubs his eyes with the back of his large soft hands - the tips of which are cantered in different angles signifying a rheumatism of sorts. My mother is looking quite worn with fatigue as he has been coughing most of the night and quickly falls asleep on the couch in the afternoon and I just cover her up with a blanket. She begins to snore part way through her nap. I study her face and see how old she really looks and I am sad. My parents are in the last years of their lives and circumstances of our modern world have them living farther away than any parent should live from their children. I have spoken with them about moving but they are set on staying where they are. We have also discussed finding them a retirement home close to where they live and have said they would consider it later. Right now my Dad still has most of his wits about him but that will soon go with all the memories of us. Mom has come down to say goodnight and I am trying not to tear up - I have been tucking them in every night when I can but tonight I am filled with emotions and do not want them to see me lest it upsets them. I run the furnace fan all night and open my windows near the cold air intake so that my father will not cough because of the stuffy room they are in.
Monday 17th May
Although I have slept well this week, I did not sleep at all last night... worried we would get up late and they would miss their train, but I can hear my Dad up at 5:30 washing his face and hands and getting ready for the day. Lydia is up just after I rise to take a shower and she informs them that she will be taking them to the train station. We arrive early to check in their suitcase and get them settled into the first class waiting room. I get Mom a Cappuccino and Dad gets a paper to take with him to read on the train. Lydia would like a hot chocolate but I inform her that we will get something later as this is only for the train passengers. She reads out the breakfast menu for the train ride to Toronto and begs me to let her travel with my parents - what a magical journey they must be going on where they feed them while they are riding the train. She pouts as she sits with them. I realize, looking into my father's beautiful soft blue eyes that waiting until the train pulls in will cause him duress - the tears have come so quickly for him these past few days and this would just be too much. I quickly rise and instruct Lydia to say her good byes to them.... it has all happened so fast as I hug my parents and kiss their cheeks. I look into their eyes and tell them I love them.... have a safe journey and please enjoy the trip. I am out the door with Lydia in tow before they realize we are gone. 'No tears' I kept saying to my Mom, 'just smile'. I will have time for tears later....
I make sure the kids are off to school and head out to the car dealership to once again check the tires for the annoying tire pressure light that has once again come up - this is the third time in as many weeks. I will wait for them to rectify the situation in the waiting room. I am only there a few minutes when I look up from my book and see Pat. It is a small world - I just met her again last weekend at the Breast Show In Town, and now here she is sitting across from me... neither of us have an appointment. I make my way over to her and begin talking...... I offer her a coffee and our conversation flows like a lazy river on a warm sunny afternoon. We have a lot in common and a real parallel life story. She takes down my email and she will get in touch with me. Many times in my journey, I have found that the little inconveniences seem to be part of the pay attention opportunities that only become opportunities when you recognize them as such.... it is an interesting life.
..... tears do come later but not in torrents and only because I know that I will miss my parents.... I will miss my Dad and all that he was when his illness robs him of his recent and then past memories. He speaks of his sister and his mother and is confused why they lost touch..... so long ago, so much has happened in between.... I heard him muttering under his breath many times in a voice so whisper thin, I could barely make out the words but got the impression he was trying to remember things that were important and repeated them in order to keep it in his mind. It is so hard to see my pal begin to disintegrate before my eyes. My children love how funny and affectionate he is. He is mesmerized by Lydia as he describes her to be all knees and elbows as she crawls all over him. He is patient with her and smiles when she pats his face and looks into his eyes..... his distant far away eyes which sharpen when she gets in close. He is blind and sees so little at arms length but can see her clearly when she comes in close for hugs. William laughed at him the other night when Dad walked into his room butt naked - he just took Dad by the hand and walked him to the room next door for my mother to dress him after his bath. My Dad was always fiercely independent..... a trait he passed on to me.....
I will miss my Dad as I watch the clock and envision where they are on the train...... the tears fall.... we all have a journey and this is his.... I Love you always and forever.... what I wrote in the hand-painted birthday card I made for him last night while he sat on the couch sleeping.
I will miss my Mom too. She always says life is not easy..... she has said it her whole life, and as we sit at the table while I paint her a card, I tell her that all of us have a journey and easy or not - it is the cards that are dealt to us. Every event has been a challenge to her and she never seemed to see the opportunities when they presented themselves to her..... and so, she failed to recognize them as such and labelled everything 'wasn't easy'. She is perplexed at how I view my cancer as an opportunity... an opportunity to learn, grow and meet like-minded people. She sees the pain but finds the positives elusive..... she is a lonely person, I have seen it many times in her over the years but most often she can hide it quite well. I learned to be a rock in her world. She is gentle and soft with eyes that tear up when I look into them and wish her a safe and fun journey. I promise her that I will call in the evening to make sure that they have arrived home safe and sound. For days, I have been building up her confidence to travel by train and to enjoy the trip..... she is ready. I have bid a quick and early good-bye which has taken her by surprise - she has little time to react and I know I have made the right decision as I walk quickly away. Her tears will fall when the train trip ends..... our visit will be complete. I Love you always and forever. xoxo
I cried a lot this afternoon when there was no one around..... I will miss you both so very much.
I called my parents just as they were coming in the front door from their trip - they are both tired but really enjoyed the first class ride from Via. We have promised to keep in touch and to not wait so long in between visits - they are looking forward to another trip back to us for a visit!!! I will pack up a care package for them with memories of their visit with us and will send them cards every month filled with pictures and notes from Lydia.
Thank you to Emily for her lovely handwritten card to Lydia!!! xo
Tonight, Lydia will go to her first soccer practice..... I used to play on an all-male team when I was in the military and do soccer camps for kids.... now I get to watch from the sidelines and cheer on my own child 25 years later. The Long week end will find me in Ottawa for my 30th high school reunion - an old classmate of mine will be driving us out and back... still too tired to do any driving much past an hour. It will be great catching up!!! Sending out the love to all my family and friends and especially to Sue. xox
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