.....

.... I read Sylvia Browne's latest book..... she is a psychic.... and a really good one.  I saw the book at the library and picked it up.  I put it back down and walked away.... and then walked back and picked it up again.  Lately, whether you call it instinct or intuition, it's about following that inner voice as it leads you to discover something you wouldn't necessary go consciously looking for.  The book spoke to me and appealed to the positive changes in my life that would not have happened without this crazy cancer journey.

Friday 30th July

Everything happens for a reason, so I have been told and truly what I believe in life to be true.  The word has come down and I realize with resignation that it is time to create some sort of closure in my life this week before moving on to the next step.  I am going to clean out my locker - it is symbolic and accepting of what I have known for a while... I am unable to perform my duties as a technician in my place of work because it requires me to lift heavy equipment, cable pull etc.  I am devastated and the tears come easily - it has been 17 years since I was hired straight out of school.  I was able to support my family as the breadwinner for all these years and took incredible pride in my abilities.  There is no doubt that I was good at my job, it is just an aspect of my new reality that I have limitations.

Mark has been good to me all these years, as a friend and as a boss and I will miss his easy candor and quick smile.  He is not sure what to say.... what can you say when you are sitting across someone who can't seem to get a sentence out without the hitch in a quavering voice and the tears.  Men are always uncomfortable with tears but he sits there quietly and offers encouraging words when I finally turn to face him.  We head out to our offices and I borrow the spare locker key from him.... not sure what happened to mine?  I re-use the cardboard box that is in my locker from when I cleared out my desk a year ago and start to sort out the paperwork, saving the project drawings that I had been working on - I will leave it with Bruce to finish it up.  I have filled a couple of containers with parts and connectors that I have sorted through to be put back into stock or into someone else's tool box.  Mark has made coffee and it seems as if all the cream in the fridge has gone bad as I study the lumps swirling around in the cup.  I decide to have it black and realize that I was likely drinking bad coffee masked by good cream all those years!! :)  Cal comes in and gives me a hug and kiss and hangs out while he considers the task I am undertaking.  He doesn't grill me but after some joking, he pulls out a collection of pocket protectors and offers me one.  I ask him to sign it for me and voila - Mark, Bruce and Cal are signing away with the black sharpie I have just deposited into one of the pencil containers.

I am introduced to my replacement who comes over to shake my hand.  He appears to be quite friendly and comfortable with his new co-workers.  He should be, they are an incredible group of guys whom I will dearly miss working with.  I can see he is listening to our conversation and who wouldn't be when the girl you are covering for all of a sudden shows up!!  Wish you all the best. Bruce and I wander over to the back shop - ah, my work bench is filled with equipment that Bruce is working on..... *sigh*.  It is a private conversation, just one of many we have had over the years.  I trust him implicitly - a good friend and confidant.  I will miss working with you!!  Hugs and best wishes are exchanged and it is time to go.  Mark comes over and picks up the box which is full - you can see the tampon boxes tucked in and Jeff has mentioned to me about Tampon Tuesday earlier when he noticed them and we all got a good laugh when I mentioned that I do attend and always with a huge box of them from Costco.  I carry them in to the events without the guise of a plastic bag.  Mark pops the box into the trunk and we talk for a little bit but I can see he has to leave.  I will miss you.

There are more tears when I get home,  I wipe them off and then decide that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life.  I will go into rehab and work in another position, one that I am looking forward to... see, there is always a silver lining in every storm cloud.  As for the rest of my co-workers that I have been unable to see today.... please know, that I am sending you each  best wishes and hope we bump into each other sooner than later. xox We are heading out on Sunday to the cottage from Cottage Dreams.  Thank you to my close neighbor friends whose laughter and support has been incredulous.  No Sue, there will be no more tears this year or even next.  I love you all.  M xox