..... a wonderful day....

..... filled with love from the visit with  Chelsea and her boyfriend Earl.  It seemed as if everything had aligned itself with everyone from my immediate family collecting on the back deck for breakfast yesterday.  My colleague was held up by a twist of circumstances by accidentally locking her keys in her car?!  So my intended work day vanished and our visit continued with the family going for a swim in the pool.  I enjoy the pool but find that I cool off too fast and head over to the shade with a towel.  I am in awe of the bright sunshine and interaction between Lydia and Earl... she has taken to teaching him her 'basics of swimming' condensed course while Chelsea keeps an eye from her floating noodle.  I smile from my perch on the side of the pool.... grateful is the only word I can find that can even possibly touch on how I am feeling in that moment.  It is the first time my daughter has met her beautiful older cousin.  Nora arrives an hour before Chelsea plans to leave and we all chat at the table while Earl showers and readies for the day's trip.  Lydia has prepared a pink basket filled with treats, drinks and edibles for their trip to Chicago.  It will be the next leg of their journey and I am glad that they are turning their move into a vacation.  There are soulful moments and tears as we chat quietly... I am painfully aware that the time is going quickly and I will soon have to wave goodbye.

Nora is lovely and a good friend who quickly offers to snap photos as we begin to say our goodbyes in the front foyer.  I am trying hard not to tear up but I gently bite my lip to remind myself that we part with only smiles....until next time we meet.  Hugs and kisses and some for Nora in the driveway and then Chelsea jumps in the drivers side with Earl popping next to her in the shotgun seat.  Bye!!!!  We watch them roll away and off to their next destination in their journey.  I will find later that she has posted her pics on FaceBook!!  FB brought us together, kept us in communication through her trip and now we are able to share our moments with our family and friends.  I love technology.

Today is Saturday and day 6 of my journey through the first round of chemo.  I find myself checking the lump in my neck and figure that it has begun to shrink.... whether wishful thinking or not, I am thinking it is going in the right direction.  My face pain amounts to the jaw and around my eyes.  I take a tylenol.  I do not often take medication if I do not have to but really..... I need to feel comfortable right now.  I missed a reflux pill yesterday and my stomach broils over with a sickening lurch.  I find the bottle in my purse and swallow it down with some ice water.  I am drinking so much that my eyes are bobbing in their sockets.  

I turn on the pool pump and skim the surface.  The pool is warm now and is inviting with its beautiful blue color.  Our neighbor walks over to the fence... how's Max?  He's OK.... he is still dealing with the shock of yesterday's work day and wondering what happened.  He had applied to a full-time teaching position a few weeks before our diagnosis and he was hoping to secure a full time job with benefits and good pay.... I am just working a contract position but have not had a steady pay since last year.  He found out last week that he did not get the job..... meantime...... a suspicious employer, not enough information and a few accusations later after he already told Max to consider leaving his position if he got a better offer...... yup, not good timing.  Thank you to all of you who graciously and generously offered to  submit your letters of recommendation in time for him to interview for this position which he did while we waited for the doctor's phone call.  Mitch wants to head out on the bikes and is wondering if Max would like to come along?  I tell him yes and head upstairs to get him out of bed.  He did not eat dinner last night... he is quiet as he rolls out of bed and looks at me with his hollow eyes.... I think he really believes that somehow he has failed me and he could not be further from the truth.  We will be just fine babe.... a new job will come your way, lets just take each day as it comes.... now go out there and play!!!!  

Lydia's friend Amber has slept over and the two are prepping to engage in their gardening business.  Apparently, even I have to pay to have them weed my garden?!  I want to walk down to see Amber's mom to make sure she is OK after her surgery yesterday.  I gather up a potted geranium and a card wishing her a speedy recovery and head down the road with the girls.  My head is covered with a cute pink scarf but I would prefer to be bald because of the heat.  The little boy who lives next door to them is the same one who was riding around on his bike the other day..... he cannot help but stare at me every time he sees me and I remove the scarf to sate his curiosity as I nestled in to one of the porch chairs Sandra has offered me.  His eyes focused on me as the car he is sitting in rounds the corner of the cul-de-sac to leave and his head rotates to keep watching me as they drive away.  Sandra and I talk about our feelings and she is quick to hug me when the tears begin to course down our faces.... we have both been through so much and it is time to just enjoy each other's company while we physically heal.... her from her wounds and me from my chemo.  Hugs and pats on the back while we make plans to see each other soon.  

It will be a quiet evening.... and another lovely day.

...... busy day with help from my daughter....

...... who is now tall enough to reach up and hang laundry with me in the backyard.  Yes, despite the fact that my head shut off and is drifting in and out of a cloud, I still have to keep moving.  My niece is coming today and I am trying slowly to prepare for her arrival.  It has been a lifetime....

My nurse arrives and he sits with me on the back deck taking in the lovely cooler morning air.  He is here to check on my blood pressure.  The kidneys seem to be overexerted by the chemo but holding well.  We sit chatting while he puts the cuff on and takes the first of two readings.  His wife has just finished her journey and is still trying to recuperate.  Four years ago I knew no one with breast cancer..... now, I know far too many.

Lydia and I go shopping at the Super King next door to pick up some groceries and a few headscarves at the Urban Planet outlet across the aisle.  We pick one out for Melina because I want her to know that I am thinking of her.  I cannot sit with her because my own immune system is offline for a few days and I cannot take the risk.  We wrap the gift when we return home and then drive over to nest it between the doors.  I love you my friend and I am thinking of you each and every day.  Get better and kick this disease.

I consider myself to be blessed in so many ways and Wednesday night brought Mandi, Ken, Ava and Jet for a visit.  Mandi is near and dear to my heart.  She was the catalyst for seeking out help at Wellspring in my first journey.  She was brave enough to pick up stubborn me and drive me to their doorstep and take me around for a tour.  They are a cancer support free service in London with chapters in other major cities and provide services to those going through the journey and those who are their supporters.  I didn't want to go but she gave me no choice and so began my first journey which brought me in touch with so many wonderful people and new adventures.  I left Wellspring when I was getting better and on with my life but I always stayed in touch with the people I spent moments with.  When Ruth passed, I returned to help put together a memorial event where we sat around the Art room on a gloomy November day and talked about how she made our lives richer with her presence.  I still miss you Ruth wherever you are!!  It would be the beginning of a new life.  Mandi brought a wonderful dinner of pulled pork and salad..... kids sat together in the dinning room, the men under the gazebo out back and she and I nestled into comfy living room chairs playing catch-up.  I love you Mandi, bringer of joy and light into our lives!!  Mandi knows all too well what this journey has taken from her life.... at 17 she lost her mother.

Mark S. shows up on the doorstep about an hour into our visit and I am so excited to see him!!!!  A wonderful friend and past colleague whose path always crosses mine over the years.  He always calls me 'Chica' and I smile as we hug.  I lead him over to the 'man den' and he is joined minutes later by my 19 year old son and the rest of the motley crue.  They have beer.... enough said!!  Mandi and I continue our discussion in the living room and the kids have moved off to the pool where we can see them having a blast.  Life is good.... I am so happy in this moment that I do not want to let it go...

Hugs galore and promises to see more of each other, we lead our guests out to their cars... it has been a wonderful week filled with so many friends.  I am now looking forward to seeing my family together.

Tonight we are expecting Chelsea and her boyfriend Earl to arrive but alas, multiple delays brings them late to the house.... 11:30 pm and we chat until almost 2 am.  I am so tired but was smart enough to get some sleep in during the afternoon after Lydia and I made her some earrings.  I am in awe of the beautiful woman who walks towards me in the cool night air.  She is lovely, gentle and graceful.  We sit in the living room over cups of coffee and chat about the years trying to roll as many away as possible to get to the present.  William has arrived and will be staying the night.  He has looked forward to seeing her all day and now he sits grinning and chatting amicably while they discuss his new career...  one they are all too familiar with as they are both in the Armed Forces.  Lydia sits with us and joins into the conversation but is obviously too tired to continue so I urge her to go to bed with a promise to get her up when they are up and about. Earlier in the day, Mitchel texted me and let me know that he will be arriving  early Friday morning, just in time to meet his cousin... he was supposed to arrive Saturday morning.

Sarah Brown, who is best described as my 'daughter' and best friend came to chill with me in my bed earlier in the evening in anticipation of meeting Chelsea.  She laid beside me and we chatted about the anticipated birth of her second baby still three months away.  I like to rub her belly to see if baby will kick me but she has chosen to doze off and likely because we are talking quietly.  There is a moment in time when I am texting Chelsea to let her know that Sarah would love to meet her and I how much I love this woman who we first met when she was only 9 years old.  She has been such an integral part of my family and I of hers for the better part of 19 years and I love her so very much.  The tears catch me by surprise and I look over to her.... no words need to be said, we both just look into each other's eyes... unspoken and deep.  She says she will miss me but hopes I can see her children grow up.... no promises Sarah.... I will try my best.  You are such a light in my life and truly one of my own.  Life at this moment is magical, as if orchestrated from above.... all my children and my niece together under the same roof for the first time.... I will remember this moment.... I put my head on Sarah's belly and rub it for good luck.   She has to head out into the night without meeting Chelsea.  We hug and she is off to her home to get some much needed sleep.

Max picked up Mitchel and his girlfriend Sarah at the airport early this morning... they have arrived after a red-eye flight from Calgary.  After an hour of showing pictures, they have settled into the couch to sleep.... I am tired but think, heck, house is quiet, think I'll make a traditional family breakfast of leftovers to make breakfast hash - potatoes, onions, eggs, bacon all in the pan.... Life is good... oh yeah, reminds me that my foggy head couldn't remember where the garbage can was this morning.... I will clean up under the sink later....

I wish to dedicate this blog to my family and friends who are courageous enough to get to what is real and important in life....

..... round 1 day 3.....

..... and I am feeling pretty good this morning.  The reflux kicked in last nigh and I was relieved that I had saved the prescription from the last journey (the nurse inadvertently ordered anti-nausea pills instead) and hoofed one down before bed.  Pantroprazole is used for extreme reflux in usually chronic cases but over the short time use, it is fast and really effective.  I am drinking two large glasses of prune juice a day to keep the bowels moving with all these pills and medication that cause constipation.  I learned through the first journey and a trip to the hospital ward to never let a day go by without being super diligent.  It could have caused a rupture leading to death had I not gone to the ward to be treated.  I am drinking a ton of ice water with chlorophyll added to my first morning drink.  I am still adding Oregano oil to it to reduce chances of getting bacterial infections.... it does not taste good but my mouth has no sores from the chemo I am taking!!!  I am brushing and gently flossing my teeth, tongue and gums to reduce any build up of bacteria while my white cell count drops.  Any sores that did not previously heal will not heal for months and need to be cleaned and a topical put on to avoid the blood poisoning I had in one cycle from a scratch!!  I have to wear gardening gloves, long pants and long sleeves with a hat while working in the garden.  Today my eyes are sore along with my teeth and jaws... the Neulasta is kicking in and I anticipate by this afternoon that the muscles will begin to ache as my immune system comes online quickly.

9 July 2013
This was a day filled with visitors come to spend time with my on my back deck.  Despite the humid weather, it was great chillin' with Kelly M.  She tears up when I tell her how I have already come to terms with my life and how grateful I am for the life I began to live after my first diagnosis.  I think we often go through life with blinders on and do our daily routine in such a mundane and unexciting way.  We live our lives it seems on other people's terms and find ourselves chasing our tails.... all because we need to make the buck to pay the bills. I have found my passion for people through my teaching profession.  While the outcome is dire with so many qualified teachers out of work, I consider myself fortunate for the opportunities that have been offered to me in my vocation.  I am living my life doing what I want to do and that is sometimes more than most people can say.  I once had a discussion with a gal from work in my last life chapter and she was waiting to have the house, the 'stuff', the money in order to start a family.... well, you will wait a lifetime.... live your life and do what fills your soul.... the money will come and so will all the stuff, but family is family and no amount of money makes life with them any better than the love and connections you make.

Nurse Trevor shows up around 3:15 from St. Elizabeth nursing service (under the auspices of CCAC and contracted out through the nursing staff at the LRCP).  He is fun and spends about an hour filling out tons of paperwork prior to giving me my needle.  I will see another nurse tomorrow who will take my blood pressure, check my temperature and see if there is any swelling or wounds to dress.  They are very diligent in their care and will come to my house or work to provide me with service.  Thank goodness!!

My beautiful daughter is always near me when she is not off spending time with loving friends who are looking out for her when i have to go to appointments.  Kirsten P-M, thank you for taking Lydia with you overnight.  These wonderful moments in life are ones she will look back on with happiness.  There are those precious quiet moments with her when we lay in bed watching 'Bewitched' on Netflicks or the other night when we watched Lord of the Rings.  She says she will miss me if I have to go and yes, I tell her that I will miss her very much.  I ask her where she can find me if I have to go and she points to her heart and looks up with tears just beginning to crest.  I love you so much mommy and I do not want you to die.  I don't either baby, but I cannot promise you anything, you know that right?  She does and no sooner does she answer but she comes up with a plan to have me give her a sign if I am around her once I pass.  Flick my hair.... no wait.... make me drop my pencil - twice.  Could you move a picture and make it crooked like Great grandma does with Grandma's picture.  Yes, I can do that, I think?!  I let her know that she would know for sure if and when the time came.  My intuition tells me that it is not the case.... and perhaps a miracle will happen.  It is always good i tell her to always think the best but always be aware that we are just visitors to Earth.  We hug tight and will continue the hugging into the night as we fall asleep watching TV together.  She is growing up so fast and when she asks to shave half her head, in keeping with the latest fashions.... what the heck!!  It grows back.

Veronica came to drop off some irises from her garden and a quick visit.  She is quiet as she looks at me with my shorn locks - she is a hairdresser and a classmate of mine from Western this year.  She often trimmed my hair in the women's washroom at school and coifed it every show we did at the faculty for 'Alice through the Looking Glass'.  She made me look amazingly crazy with my hair pulled through the crown of this quirky, crazy character!!!  I had such an amazing time doing this play with some of the nicest and loving colleagues ever!!  Look us up on Facebook Alice Through the Looking-Glass, Althouse Production 2013!.  Even the family of the playwright came to view it and loved it.  It was something I had always wanted to do but in high school, I only managed to work behind the scenes and here all of a sudden I was this outlandish character who was told I was perfect for the part.  Well it was difficult memorizing tons of lines but I had the best help from the fabulous BeD students I acted with.  Many friendships were made through this adventure!!!  It was one more thing on my bucket list that I had for-filled and it was worth all the effort.  Thank you to so many of you who made this the highlight of my days at Western!!!  As we were finishing up our conversation in the front of the house at her car, we noticed a young boy on his bike almost wipe out when he took a double take at my bald head.... never mind the guy driving super slow past and eying me out of his peripheral so as not to be rude.  I have no reason to cover my head in this weather and am not self-conscious.  :)

My eldest son William is making preparations to enter the Armed Forces next month when he heads out to Saint Jean, Quebec for training.  I look at him and he still appears sometimes as that funny, silly little boy with the endless blonde curls and cherubic smile.  Now I see he has grown up and his chiseled jawline tells me he is a young adult about to grown up the rest of the way in the service.  I spent four years in the regular forces and know that this is a great start for a young person who wishes to travel and to be a part of a bigger plan outside their own lives. He will have an amazing life!!  It is a great comfort to watch your children move forward and make decisions you know are right for them.  He spends a lot of time with us here at the house and will continue to do so until he leaves for the service.  I am proud of him and all my children.

10 July 2013
I have made breakfast for my husband.... what a treat to feel good enough to bounce out of bed and get the pool tidied up and breakfast cooked.  I will have eggs every morning with my prune juice because that is all I want to eat.  Nurse Muhammad comes to take my blood pressure and sits with me to chat about our children and the lovely pool he can see from the deck we are sitting on.  He has warm brown eyes and smiles when he realizes the cancer is my second journey.  It is hard to see people with this disease he states and I agree with a warm smile back.  He is wonderful with me, fills out the paperwork and heads back out the door.

My lovely sister has sent me a beautiful card.  She is the youngest of four and the most like me.  I love her so much and I am glad we have reconnected after all these years and have been texting non-stop for months.  I want to see her so badly and I know that it is in the works over the next few months.  Tomorrow her daughter Chelsea will arrive to stay with us on her way out west.  I am so blessed and so excited to see them that I can barely wait!! OMG I have waited too long!!!!!!  The years have gone by so fast and our lives so busy that we put aside some of life's most important people..... family is everything!!!  Your memorial and obituaries should speak to the love you have from others and for others and the impact you made in your community when you graced it with your presence... just saying:)

I just got off the phone with my amazing and courageous loving friend who is in stage 4.  Her coughing is as a result of her recent lung infection which she is fighting off through the 8th round of Docetaxil.  She is brave for so many reasons but going through this chemo she is now on is painful and fatiguing.  She is tired and breathes deeply through the next coughing fit.  No part of our conversation is sacred as we talk about our illness, our unknown prognosis and our willingness to discuss our wishes when we die.  Funny how we both wish to donate to science to help others when we no longer need our 'ride'..... the soul moves on back home.  We laugh about the stupid things about our diagnosis and speak to the seriousness of waylaying testing.  We both chose to delay testing until we knew we had no choice.  I found my lump, she was in pain.  The little voice and many hints along the way were simply ignored.... me because I had to finish my schooling and her because she did not want to face what turned out to be a stage IV diagnosis.  Mine is a stage III.  The difference is that mine is still contained in nodes and hers has travelled into bones and organs.  I love you MN and I will see you when you are feeling good enough to have company.  Keep up your strength and I will send you some of mine to help you in your journey to kick the living crap out of this disease!!!  We both agree that if you think something is wrong, you need to seek out medical attention and go through testing.  I am considered asymptomatic - no symptoms present, just that ever present little voice that lets me know something is wrong.  The body will tell you in so many ways and ironically, I think my guide lets me know through subtle hints such as: a friend dropping off a random pink gift... after 4 years?! mere weeks before testing and the classmate who thought they had cancer in their neck.... in the same spot I had mine - he is fine!!  The fatigue that gripped me so I was zapped of energy when I had to exert so much in a classroom.  Listen closely to your body and what it tells you.... feel for lumps in areas you never would think to search.... men need to inspect their testicles and breasts - one of my friends had testicular cancer at 32 and a male coworker of my husband just died in March with breast cancer that had metastasized.  Please take care of yourselves.  Do not ignore infections which create chronic conditions such as sinusitis and bronchitis (I have suffered many years with both).  Infections tax the immune system and allow for other more sinister diseases to present themselves.  Eat well and stay away from fast food..... it is a treat not a regular menu item.  Hydrate and take some supplements.... exercise and enjoy your life - fill it with laughter and love. ... OK off my soap box... you get the idea.

We always encouraged our children but never told them what to do for their future.  They were always free to make all their own decisions with guidance but no pushing.  I think children do better and gain more confidence when they have a say in what they want to do.  I have seen too many overbearing parents who push their children too far and are surprised when they retaliate and do the complete opposite.  I have not had to deal with that and the kids are happy to explore any and all options they are interested in without us giving our 2 cents worth, unless they ask us to.  Everyone is this world is valuable for what they do regardless if they choose to pick up your garbage or fly you to Paris.... and intelligence is rarely a requirement for either... although it helps.  I treat people behind the counter at the local coffee shop with as much respect as the police officer that comes to help with a complaint or the secretary you meet at an office.  You never know what amazing things they do outside of their career that makes them special to their family and friends.  To judge someone based primarily on their career choice is hardly intelligent at all.... my best friend is a cleaner in the St. Thomas hospital and my other best friend works with children - they are my most favorite people to chill with because they are kind, loving and smart as heck!!!

Speaking of housekeeping, please feel free to contact my friend Barb who has her own business and who generously cleaned my house before my first treatment.  She is a hard worker and is very trustworthy.  Please consider supporting her and growing her business.

http://www.busybroomcleaning.com/

.... a long day and lots of administration......

..... in order to get my medications filled and paid for by the insurance companies and the Victory Program.  The Victory program is a charitable organization set up to support patients requiring financial assistance to help pay for the medication produced by AMGEN.  This medication, Neulasta   http://www.neulasta.com/starting-chemo-with-neulasta/about-neulasta-neupogen.html  used to jump start the immune system 24-48 hours after chemo and costs approximately $2,600 per injection.  I will require 6 such injections, one after each chemo.  I had taken out student insurance for my family and I when I started at Western this past year and they, in conjunction with the Victory program,  have covered the costs 100%.  If I did not have any insurance at all, The Victory Program would contact Trillium, an Ontario government insurance through OHIP to cover the cost of Neupogen which is essentially the same thing but administered every day after chemo for 7 days.  It is a good thing I remembered all of this because I was making all the arrangements with the Victory Program and doing an Urgent Rush on the insurance company.... just in time for today.  The doctor wrote the script today when I was waiting for it to be filled at the pharmacy.  That pharmacy is the most efficiently run pharmacy I have ever seen.  I have my shot covered and when I got home, I faxed the letter sent to me by the insurance company.  Whew.... only took 2 hours to get all this done..... normally, everything is in place but because I was and urgent case, there was little time to get everything done and in time.  Normally I go to pharmacy and everything is ready to go for me to pick up.

CCAC (Community Care Access Center) is contacted through the nursing staff at LRCP (London Regional Cancer Unit) in order for me to receive nursing care to administer this life saving inoculation and to see if everything is OK with me in general.  I have contacted a friend of mine who is a diabetic to help me just in case.  Mark gave me an inoculation during my fourth chemo treatment because the nurse forgot?!  If I have to take the Neuprogena, I will have to give it to myself because I will be at work during the last three treatments.

....... Chemo Day July 8, 2013.......

I didn't sleep well last night and kept waking up.... sometime in the middle of the night, I remembered a few days prior at my 'Lost Locks' party that I was standing in the kitchen doing something and turned to see who was standing to the right of me.... I thought I saw something move and then it was gone.... almost a shadow of a person.  I believe in guardian angels and I think I might have just perchance caught a glimpse of mine.  While a lot of people might not believe in this, it has given me hope that I am being looked over.  In my first journey, I was drawn to the Sylvia Brown books and read one after another..... some of what I read rang true to me.  I have heard many stories of people since who have seen the 'other side' just before passing.  My friend Ruth, at the age of 80 saw a door open, light shining into her room and silhouettes standing where there should have only been the corner of the room.  Her partner must have heard her speaking out because when he opened the bedroom door, they and the light disappeared.  Ruth did not want to go and felt she had so much living to do..... she would cross through the door a week later.  I miss Ruth but I know she is dancing in her new home and is pain free now.  I love you Ruth.  My Grandmother saw the other side soon before her passing and she waited long enough for my mother to make it into German air space before passing away.  My father flat-lined last June and although he has advanced Alzheimer's, he was able to describe to me about touching the ceiling in the emerge department after he was abruptly returned to his earthly confines.  For a few days after his return to the home, he kept trying to reach the ceiling.  I love watching Theresa Caputo, the 'Long Island Medium' for the amazing work she does.....but I digress.... that is not where I am at in my life's journey... just a sideline into my very private life.  I am intuitive and spiritual, not religious.... it is about being human and in touch with the soul side of our being.....  at any rate, I forced myself to stay in bed until 7 am and got up to take a shower and grab a coffee.  Ah coffee and my Keurig... do mornings get any better than this?

I can feel the anxiety rise and the toast I made tastes like cardboard as I attempt to wash it down with the coffee.  I should have added Bailey's but we ran out yesterday.  I rarely imbibe when I am on chemo, so I would have just taken the cream anyway.  I debate on whether to wear head gear to go out to the hospital and Max decides that I need to wear the Hard Rock Cafe one we bought in the states.  So here we are, both wearing matching head scarves and hairdo's!!!  I also brought my new big pink scarf for the chemo suite because it is always cold there and I use it for head and neck to stop the drafts.  We find ourselves sitting along the wall just outside of the chemo suite and chat with a man who is also going through his second journey.   I am so tired and leave him to be the chatty one.  I need a coffee and I ask Max to grab me a Tim's on the floor below.  The gentleman next to him points out the coffee cart is across the way and he heads off only to return minutes later smiling.  He has found the cookie basket beside the coffee decanter and he sinks his teeth into a Peek Freen.  He gives me a package and then asks me if he can have it when I do not eat it immediately.  I smile at him and put it in my purse..... which comes in handy later when the administration duties takes over 2 hours to complete.  I am too tired to talk much and resort to playing games on my iPad and reading the paper on my daily download.

The pager goes off and we head into the suite to meet Tanya who will be caring for me today.  The suite is filled with comfy recliners, automated drip dispensers on roll a way T-bars and beds.  We choose a chair next to the windows and Max grabs a visitor chair to sit across from me.  I pulled my head scarf off in the waiting room earlier.  The humidity is thick in the air and the air conditioner is keeping up but it still feels too warm with it on.  The suite itself is cold and I pull out my new large pink scarf to cover my head and neck from the cooling breeze.  Tanya will need to find a vein and I figure she would choose the one that everyone else does - right in the crook of my elbow.  She applies a hot compress to my arm to bring the veins to the surface and make it easier to insert the IV tube.  Tanya gives me two steroid pills and an anti-nausea pill before beginning treatments.  Chemo is very toxic and will damage the veins so she will start a saline IV to 'rinse' the veins for 5 minutes before and after the chemo is administered.  She will begin with the first two chemo using a click lock insertion device installed in the IV line for the large click lock syringes that she will use to manually inject into my arm while the drip is still going - Cyclophosphamide and Epirubicin.  After that, she will run the lightly colored yellow 5-FU (5-Fluorouracil) IV drip that can sometimes cause the shock of pain you get with a cold ice-cream.  I do not get that but I do feel the sinuses begin to slightly swell and a light headache later after the chemo is done.  From start to finish is just over an hour.... some patients will be there from 9 am - 5 pm on a series of drips.  There are many different cancer drugs available and cocktail mixes and methods of deployment.  Everyone is different.  Some will keep their hair, while others, like me, will not.  I am grateful for the ladies who carefully buzzed my hair.  I cannot shave or do anything that can open the skin and allow a possible infection to occur.  There are many things to remember about chemo and your personal care and hygiene.  I have a first aid kit in my purse in the event that I injure myself.  It contains a first aid anti-bacterial spray (melaleuca), triple antibiotic cream, bandages and all my medications.  I have asked for a reflux medication to help with the extreme reflux experienced with this chemo. Nausea and vomiting are not an issue as this is dealt with by taking medications for the first few days after chemo.

Max and I are finally ready to go home after getting the medications - all paid for!!!  Thank goodness I took out the extended health care for us from Western!!  We are both super hungry despite the fact that Max was served more cookies in the chemo suite by the lovely volunteers.  For volunteers in the chemo suite.... they will see all of us on our very best day. We head out of the parking lot - I use my credit card instead of obtaining a ticket - easier to use and it works well.  Insert when you enter the lot instead of printing a ticket and inserting it on exit where you will receive a receipt.  Each visit works out to about 7-12 dollars..... yup, expensive.

We head out to the MacDonald's on our way home.  I am going bald and the humid wind blowing over my head feels really weird... and liberating.  We have to go to the pool store on our way and I help choose out a new pool brush and filter nets.  Yes, I am being stared at but in a very polite way.  It's not every day you see a woman with a shaved head.  We get home and I am on the phone with the Victory program to make sure that I can fax the paperwork from my insurance company to them.  I have rigged up one of our phone lines to a fax machine at home and it is sent out immediately.  A call to CCAC and the nurses ensures that I will have medical assistance at home.  I am fighting drowsiness as I am blogging this entry.  I have a headache and the sky is ominous with intermittent torrential downpours.  Max and Paul joke that they are filling up the pool and the pond.  I can hear voices in the kitchen and all the neighbor guys come into the living room to say hi and to see my new doo..... I think they actually admired my dome!!!  Secretly, they looked jealous....LOL!!  They just want to make sure I am OK.  I miss Brenda M. she is not feeling well at all and I haven't seen her in days.  Sending out lots of hugs and kisses that you feel better soon.

William and Paul will stay the night to look out for me tomorrow when Max goes to work!!  I am now really exhausted and my body is begging me to go to bed now that I have taken tonight's meds with dinner.

Rule #11 - if you offend or hurt someone's feelings, whether intentional or not..... do not start with 'I am sorry you feel that way, but'  it is another way of saying that the person you offended is wrong to be offended by your remarks.  Start with 'I am really sorry, I had no idea I was hurting your feelings......'  It is human to err, own what you say, apologize and be real with people.... they will appreciate and understand it comes from the heart...... xoxoxo

My new look from the Shorn afternoon gathering. 6 July 2013

...... an emotionally exhausting week....

..... in an emotionally charged illness!!!  Yes, while I have come to terms with some things in my life, there are others I am coming to terms with as I arrange to have my insurance policies updated and look into funeral arrangements.  I am not planning to leave any time soon but I needed to consider that it would only be right to look after my family in the event that something happens.  I will see a family lawyer this week to finalize my wills.  I think everyone should be doing this anyway.... I understand that sometimes family will unwittingly order that crazy expensive coffin when in fact, the deceased wanted to be cremated and only because things were not organized and put into place.

This was such a roller coaster of a week and lots of tears when I had to come to the realization that not everyone is as supportive in a journey as others.  If there were any advice I could impart to those who think they are well meaning and would like to express their concern, please note the following points:
     1.  Do not tell the person you are speaking with that you know more about their illness than their doctors or consult with others to prove your point.
     2.  Do not dismiss the importance of being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness by saying "you have nothing to worry about" after telling them your unsolicited and uniformed opinion.... unless you are their physician.... this will make you feel tremendously guilty if they do have something to worry about.  It amounts to being dismissive and hurtful.
     3.  Be warned that if you are not a close family member or friend, you might not like the response you will get.... and you will likely get an earful if not at the time, then later when they have considered your insensitive wording.
     4.  Please just ask how I am and possibly ask what you might do to help.
     5.  Please ask if I am up to discussing my illness.  I am open about it and will likely answer your questions or refer you to my blog.
     6.  Please understand that I am not my usual self, nor are my close family members and friends.
     7.  Please treat me the way and manner in which you would like to be treated.  If you cannot, then do not bother, this is not the time to sort things out as I have enough to deal with.
    8.  Please be kind and only offer if you genuinely want to and not because you feel obligated..... nothing worse than feeling like you are putting others in an awkward position when you are already feeling bad about 'inconveniencing' your family and friends.
    9.  Common sense would dictate that if you have always treated that person badly.... it would stand to reason that you will now hear about it with little provocation.  If you are not genuine and show you actually care, now is not the time to try and make up for that...... you either care or you do not.  Decide and get on with the business of doing the right thing for the right reasons.
   10.  Be brave..... it is hard for someone to face the unknown and they need all the support they can..... not every day will be an easy walk in the park for you or them.   Be real..... life is too short.

I am usually considered strong, resilient and brave..... I do not consider myself to be any of these..... but then, I do not often show publicly what my husband and family already know.  I am sensitive to a fault and will defend myself when under attack by appearing louder and stronger than them.... appearances can be deceiving and if the truth would be told today, the day before chemo, that I am scared beyond belief.  I will put on my big girl pants tomorrow and not look back, only forward as Max, the kids and I navigate towards the unknown in this journey.  We are upbeat and positive for the most part and will try to do our best.  I will need everybody to send strength to my Max and support him and our children in a positive and loving way.  We need only well wishing, love and support as we step into our next chapter.

I wish to dedicate this blog and my love to my soul mate Max.  I love you with all my heart.  I am sorry I am ill and wish you would not have to go through this again with me.  You are my rock and I know you do what you do because you love us too.  I also wish to dedicate this entry to my loving family and friends who have shown such love and support at a time when you knew we needed you most.

I dedicate this entry to Marleen - our life lessons are sometimes meant to open our eyes and grow the soul.  Focus on the important things in life and be happy.  Everything happens for a reason.  I needed you to love me for myself.

I dedicate this blog to Debbie - you make me laugh with your quirky fun sense of humour and your down to earth nature.  I love you!!  I look forward to seeing you soon!!

There are days in this coming journey where the chemo will affect my mood.... please ask me where I am at before getting into a conversation.  Keep it light and happy.... I will learn to bow out gracefully when I am tired or not up to the subject at hand.  It is not personal....  enough said.  I love each and every one of you.  I will keep you all in the loop, until next time....

...... busy week ahead....

..... and it began early this morning getting Mitchel off to the airport for his trip out to BC to enjoy time with his girlfriend and her family at the cottage.  He is a quiet soul but you could tell that he was excited to be heading out and away for some R&R.  I will miss him but am glad that he will be away when I do my first chemo.  Part of me heads up and away with him as the plane soars into the brightening sky and i get his text that he is on the plane.  I smile as I head west in my car towards home.  The early morning fog in the fields is beginning to lift but the humidity is hampering my ability to get in a deep breath.  I weave in and out of highway traffic and feel the adrenaline as the car accelerates around the slower moving cars and trucks.  I love the freedom and the wind blowing through my now ridiculously red hair.  I dyed it on Canada Day with Sue's help and then finished it the day after.

Canada Day was spent with family, neighbour friends, close friends and dozens of other party goers.  Max and Len put on a wonderful show with a few tense moments as wayward fireworks made their way onto cars and towards them.  The winds would wane and then pick up again as Sue can attest to the amount of firework leftovers in her swimming pool.  The kids loved the parachute men..... which are no longer men but rolled paper???!!!  Some dangled in trees while others landed on vehicles.  Sarah and Tina have brought their own families with them and I smile as I look over at a now pregnant Sarah holding Miss Payton and Tina holding Gabi.  The best of friends who have stood the test of time and they are certainly not the rambunctious 9 year olds I once knew..... they are grown women who have become really great Mom's and I am blessed to be a part of their lives.  Treena. Tina's step daughter is 10 months older than Lydia.  The two girls have made fast friends with each other and Lydia has asked to have Treena stay over.  Sure, why not. 

The girls were busy all day!!!  After getting up, they cooked me eggs for breakfast, complete with fresh fruit which was amazingly great!!  They then spent the rest of the day creating dessert for dinner and cooking dinner using a recipe Lydia downloaded on her iPad.  Treena will be coming back on Thursday to stay with Lydia.  It is looking up to be a great summer for my children.  We are unable to take them on a holiday this year but will make plans to do something next year when we can.  

Barb arrives to clean my house....we have known each other for a few decades when we both worked at the TV station.  She has her own business but has decided to offer her time this morning to help me out.  I run out of breath easily with exertion.... its the pressure against my lungs and neck.  Both lungs are clear and I can get my breath if I stretch my neck slightly... the humidity does not help.  It is wonderful to catch up as she goes from room to room to wash, dust and vacuum the house.  I feel somewhat embarrassed that I have not been able to do spring cleaning this year.... it can wait until next year. 

I am sitting in my living room with the computer at my side, typing on my iPad in my lap.  I am surrounded by technology as I begin my work day.  I have a lot to accomplish in the days ahead.... things like replacing worn out batteries in the two thermometers that will be required to measure my temperature twice a day.  It is what they call a fever watch in the event there is an infection.  Taking precautions will be much easier this time..... now that I know what to expect.  I have a first aid spray, hand sanitizer and know to always keep any and all wounds clean and dressed.

Saturday I am hosting an event for the ladies in my life..... its time to take the hair off before chemo... I have some fun activities planned and if you didn't get an invite, please email me if you want to attend or FB me.  I won't miss it as much as I did the first time.... it is after all, just hair.  It was the loss of my eyebrows that really bothered me the most.  I always seemed to have this blank look on my face!!! LOL

Chemo is Monday at 11:30 am in the cancer unit at the hospital.  Max wants to be there with me as we start this next adventure together.  I have my fears but push them aside... we need to get this done!!  'git er done'!!    I will not be a part of the trial using Metformin due to the time constraints..  they need me to do all my testing over and with the risk of delaying treatment when I might end up with just the placebo is not an option this late into the game.

I wish to thank Barb for her kindness and for all those amazing souls out there who help out of the goodness of their heart!!! <3  Earth Angels, are everywhere and make sure you pay forward any kindness shown to you by others.