My new look from the Shorn afternoon gathering. 6 July 2013

...... an emotionally exhausting week....

..... in an emotionally charged illness!!!  Yes, while I have come to terms with some things in my life, there are others I am coming to terms with as I arrange to have my insurance policies updated and look into funeral arrangements.  I am not planning to leave any time soon but I needed to consider that it would only be right to look after my family in the event that something happens.  I will see a family lawyer this week to finalize my wills.  I think everyone should be doing this anyway.... I understand that sometimes family will unwittingly order that crazy expensive coffin when in fact, the deceased wanted to be cremated and only because things were not organized and put into place.

This was such a roller coaster of a week and lots of tears when I had to come to the realization that not everyone is as supportive in a journey as others.  If there were any advice I could impart to those who think they are well meaning and would like to express their concern, please note the following points:
     1.  Do not tell the person you are speaking with that you know more about their illness than their doctors or consult with others to prove your point.
     2.  Do not dismiss the importance of being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness by saying "you have nothing to worry about" after telling them your unsolicited and uniformed opinion.... unless you are their physician.... this will make you feel tremendously guilty if they do have something to worry about.  It amounts to being dismissive and hurtful.
     3.  Be warned that if you are not a close family member or friend, you might not like the response you will get.... and you will likely get an earful if not at the time, then later when they have considered your insensitive wording.
     4.  Please just ask how I am and possibly ask what you might do to help.
     5.  Please ask if I am up to discussing my illness.  I am open about it and will likely answer your questions or refer you to my blog.
     6.  Please understand that I am not my usual self, nor are my close family members and friends.
     7.  Please treat me the way and manner in which you would like to be treated.  If you cannot, then do not bother, this is not the time to sort things out as I have enough to deal with.
    8.  Please be kind and only offer if you genuinely want to and not because you feel obligated..... nothing worse than feeling like you are putting others in an awkward position when you are already feeling bad about 'inconveniencing' your family and friends.
    9.  Common sense would dictate that if you have always treated that person badly.... it would stand to reason that you will now hear about it with little provocation.  If you are not genuine and show you actually care, now is not the time to try and make up for that...... you either care or you do not.  Decide and get on with the business of doing the right thing for the right reasons.
   10.  Be brave..... it is hard for someone to face the unknown and they need all the support they can..... not every day will be an easy walk in the park for you or them.   Be real..... life is too short.

I am usually considered strong, resilient and brave..... I do not consider myself to be any of these..... but then, I do not often show publicly what my husband and family already know.  I am sensitive to a fault and will defend myself when under attack by appearing louder and stronger than them.... appearances can be deceiving and if the truth would be told today, the day before chemo, that I am scared beyond belief.  I will put on my big girl pants tomorrow and not look back, only forward as Max, the kids and I navigate towards the unknown in this journey.  We are upbeat and positive for the most part and will try to do our best.  I will need everybody to send strength to my Max and support him and our children in a positive and loving way.  We need only well wishing, love and support as we step into our next chapter.

I wish to dedicate this blog and my love to my soul mate Max.  I love you with all my heart.  I am sorry I am ill and wish you would not have to go through this again with me.  You are my rock and I know you do what you do because you love us too.  I also wish to dedicate this entry to my loving family and friends who have shown such love and support at a time when you knew we needed you most.

I dedicate this entry to Marleen - our life lessons are sometimes meant to open our eyes and grow the soul.  Focus on the important things in life and be happy.  Everything happens for a reason.  I needed you to love me for myself.

I dedicate this blog to Debbie - you make me laugh with your quirky fun sense of humour and your down to earth nature.  I love you!!  I look forward to seeing you soon!!

There are days in this coming journey where the chemo will affect my mood.... please ask me where I am at before getting into a conversation.  Keep it light and happy.... I will learn to bow out gracefully when I am tired or not up to the subject at hand.  It is not personal....  enough said.  I love each and every one of you.  I will keep you all in the loop, until next time....

...... busy week ahead....

..... and it began early this morning getting Mitchel off to the airport for his trip out to BC to enjoy time with his girlfriend and her family at the cottage.  He is a quiet soul but you could tell that he was excited to be heading out and away for some R&R.  I will miss him but am glad that he will be away when I do my first chemo.  Part of me heads up and away with him as the plane soars into the brightening sky and i get his text that he is on the plane.  I smile as I head west in my car towards home.  The early morning fog in the fields is beginning to lift but the humidity is hampering my ability to get in a deep breath.  I weave in and out of highway traffic and feel the adrenaline as the car accelerates around the slower moving cars and trucks.  I love the freedom and the wind blowing through my now ridiculously red hair.  I dyed it on Canada Day with Sue's help and then finished it the day after.

Canada Day was spent with family, neighbour friends, close friends and dozens of other party goers.  Max and Len put on a wonderful show with a few tense moments as wayward fireworks made their way onto cars and towards them.  The winds would wane and then pick up again as Sue can attest to the amount of firework leftovers in her swimming pool.  The kids loved the parachute men..... which are no longer men but rolled paper???!!!  Some dangled in trees while others landed on vehicles.  Sarah and Tina have brought their own families with them and I smile as I look over at a now pregnant Sarah holding Miss Payton and Tina holding Gabi.  The best of friends who have stood the test of time and they are certainly not the rambunctious 9 year olds I once knew..... they are grown women who have become really great Mom's and I am blessed to be a part of their lives.  Treena. Tina's step daughter is 10 months older than Lydia.  The two girls have made fast friends with each other and Lydia has asked to have Treena stay over.  Sure, why not. 

The girls were busy all day!!!  After getting up, they cooked me eggs for breakfast, complete with fresh fruit which was amazingly great!!  They then spent the rest of the day creating dessert for dinner and cooking dinner using a recipe Lydia downloaded on her iPad.  Treena will be coming back on Thursday to stay with Lydia.  It is looking up to be a great summer for my children.  We are unable to take them on a holiday this year but will make plans to do something next year when we can.  

Barb arrives to clean my house....we have known each other for a few decades when we both worked at the TV station.  She has her own business but has decided to offer her time this morning to help me out.  I run out of breath easily with exertion.... its the pressure against my lungs and neck.  Both lungs are clear and I can get my breath if I stretch my neck slightly... the humidity does not help.  It is wonderful to catch up as she goes from room to room to wash, dust and vacuum the house.  I feel somewhat embarrassed that I have not been able to do spring cleaning this year.... it can wait until next year. 

I am sitting in my living room with the computer at my side, typing on my iPad in my lap.  I am surrounded by technology as I begin my work day.  I have a lot to accomplish in the days ahead.... things like replacing worn out batteries in the two thermometers that will be required to measure my temperature twice a day.  It is what they call a fever watch in the event there is an infection.  Taking precautions will be much easier this time..... now that I know what to expect.  I have a first aid spray, hand sanitizer and know to always keep any and all wounds clean and dressed.

Saturday I am hosting an event for the ladies in my life..... its time to take the hair off before chemo... I have some fun activities planned and if you didn't get an invite, please email me if you want to attend or FB me.  I won't miss it as much as I did the first time.... it is after all, just hair.  It was the loss of my eyebrows that really bothered me the most.  I always seemed to have this blank look on my face!!! LOL

Chemo is Monday at 11:30 am in the cancer unit at the hospital.  Max wants to be there with me as we start this next adventure together.  I have my fears but push them aside... we need to get this done!!  'git er done'!!    I will not be a part of the trial using Metformin due to the time constraints..  they need me to do all my testing over and with the risk of delaying treatment when I might end up with just the placebo is not an option this late into the game.

I wish to thank Barb for her kindness and for all those amazing souls out there who help out of the goodness of their heart!!! <3  Earth Angels, are everywhere and make sure you pay forward any kindness shown to you by others.  

....... reflections and preparation......

.... for this week that feels like it is moving fast-forward.  I am not able to sleep comfortably some nights with the lump jabbing into my neck.  I have to sleep on my left side with my left arm up and a pillow shoved strategically under my head so that there is a pocket of space to accommodate the lump.  My head has not shut off sufficiently enough to warrant a good night sleep.  So, I get up early, drag myself downstairs for a coffee and read the blog from my first journey.

I make a mental note after reading about the first three rounds to ask for medications that control the acid reflux, create a diet high in fibre with no sugar, keep my iPad close for making notes to reduce the stress of chemo induced brain fog and walk, walk, walk to keep the bowel moving interspersed with the necessary naps.  I am also aware to make sure all household issues are dealt with before the first round of chemo.  I am reminded to continue to keep accurate records and to upkeep the blog which has become a wealth of information to guide me into the next journey.

This particular chemo cocktail affects the fast growing cells in the body such as the epithelial cells in the mouth and in the intestines.  This leaves the digestive tract open to infections and food sensitivities.  The steroids that are administered prior to the chemo are done to reduce any opportunity for an allergic reaction to occur.  Steroids cause a number of unpleasant side effects such as; weight gain due to increased appetite and moodiness.  The chemo itself caused me immeasurable agony in the form of constipation.  It took 3 weeks and multiple doses of intestinal 'draino' to clear the impaction. 

I have been preparing myself for this first round by drinking large quantities of water infused with liquid chlorophyll, Oregano Oil and liquid vitamin D.   The chlorophyll is used to remove toxins from the body and to clear the bowel naturally.  The Oregano Oil, while completely obnoxious, is used to kill bacteria in the mouth and intestines and my sinuses, to reduce any chance of infection when the immune system goes offline for a few days.  The vitamin D is something everyone should be getting and especially in North America.  Most people who slather themselves with head-to-toe sunscreen are not aware that the body, specifically the skin, requires vitamin D to be absorbed from the sun.  Without access to the skin, people do not receive the life supporting vitamin that is so critical to our good health.  Common sense would dictate that you do not burn, so with my children, they have learned to be safe outside by not 'baking' by the pool.  I rarely use sunscreen but I will have to because of the effects of the chemo making skin, eyes etc vulnerable to injury by a bright sunny day.  I am getting my doses now via liquid means.  I am also using a natural healing balm for my neck and shoulders to reduce some of the discomfort and swelling and it seems to be working so far.  I have ordered a natural bug spray and burn balm from the same company.  

I will be on 'Fever Watch' for the duration of chemo. I am given a fever card with emergency contact information and my oncology patient number.  It is a life-threatening complication of a body unable to protect itself and it informs emergency staff to expedite treatments.  Next time you are waiting in ER, you might see someone walk in and be taken into care immediately..... be patient and understand that they might have a pressing emergency which is prioritized.  Victoria Hospital has a specialized cancer unit in tower B specifically for these emergencies but sometimes, there is no bed to be had.  I was in ER being treated via IV for a scratch that got out of control.   It is imperative that wounds or infections be dealt with as you would any emergency - immediately.  It cannot wait even a day and must be attended to without delay.  I have stocked up my first aid kit with an antiseptic spray to be taken with me in my purse everywhere.  I made sure my tetanus shot was updated a week ago.  It feels like I am packing for a trip and in a way I am.  You make sure when you head out to an unknown destination, that you have planned for every situation possible..... plan for the worst and hope for the best!!!   While I bathe every day, it is essential to wash every inch and attending to any scratches using a topical antibiotic cream.  Not cutting the nails during 'down times' in the immune system or shaving (that will not be a problem after the second week- all hair will be gone by then) and keeping the mouth as clean as possible are key to staying on top of things.  Taking good care of yourself and letting others help in their own way is the best approach.

This week I have asked a friend to clean my house.  She has her own cleaning company and has graciously offered to clean my house for free.  I do not normally accept such a generous offer but I need to look after my family.  I will also bring the dogs to get bathed and clipped - the chemo makes the olfactory system kick into high gear and dog smells are unpleasant at the best of times.  Speaking about dogs and my wonderful cat Kajen.... they have not left my side for too long.. they sense something in their world has changed and it seems they know it is me.  

Dr. Annette, sat with me for a few hours on Friday afternoon.  We talked about life.... why I am strong and sometimes misunderstood..... and why I always look out for others..... why I am here for a second time.... so many deep philosophical questions.  She, like myself are always inquisitive about why people are the way they are and how some can go through life content to wear blinders while others take it all in from a distance while some are in the mix and are content to just be what others expect them to be.  Nature vs. Nurture..... we all have a choice in life to continue to perpetuate the life we grew up in and to excuse our behaviors as the fault of others or to honestly own who we are and to take responsibility for what we do and how we are.  This is another opportunity to grow the soul and to reflect on the past 4 years.  I wouldn't change much and what I would change helped me to grow anyway.  I have a tremendous support system in the way of family and friends.... why I let one person ruin some of the joy I felt at attending University was solely because of the bad feelings I had towards myself and why some people are just not worth the effort of trying so hard to be accepted by. Life is too short to not be real with yourself.  I will spend far less time with those who do not deserve the moments I have to share.  We could all take a page out of this experience...... xoxo

..... yesterday continued......

..... with a call from the oncology office.  Could I make it to an appointment with Dr. Younis this afternoon at 2 pm.  "Yes of course I can," I reply, looking up and over to Sara who is working with me at my house.  I hang up and feel the tightening in my belly, I did not expect to hear from his office for a few weeds.  I look at Sara and neither one of us is saying anything.  I text Max to ask if he wants to make it to the appointment and he texts back immediately and says he will come with me.

Sara is a godsend, a dear friend and the best damn partner and assistant a woman could ever hope to have.  We have earned our relationship, been deeply honest with each other and we can almost read each other without saying a word.  She doesn't say it but I know the look.... we are both strong women who face a lot of what life throws at us head on.  Today is no different as we return back to work after the short distraction.  She is my sounding board and diligently questions the material I am presenting her with.  We begin the arduous task of tweaking and re-tweaking to make this the best it can be for the students this fall.

Max arrives and Sara packs up.  She will return in the morning to continue our task.  She wants me to keep her apprised of what the outcome of the meeting will be.  She knows that I do not want to even think about being on chemo at this point.... and the crappy life you live with the side-effects and brain fog.....

The sky is ominous and the air is thick with humidity.  It has been a lousy spring and working its way to being the worst summer in years.  Max and I hold hands and I think I am squeezing a bit too hard as he tugs it away and then reconnects.  I know this routine in my sleep as we book into the main reception in A building - Cancer Clinic in Victoria Hospital.  The receptionist asks me if I have been there before?  Yes.  She then retrieves a 2 inch thick folder and proceeds to write on the top page.  Max wants to know if it is all my information..... yes.  I jokingly tell the receptionist that I have been to visit a few times, she looks up and smiles, hands me the traditional blue pager and wishes me a good day.

It gets quieter in the afternoon as most appointments are in the morning, so it is easier to find a seat.  I know that the doctor has made me the last appointment in the afternoon from the sparse audience in the waiting room.  The radiation gong signals the end of another person's journey with radiation and the room responds with applause as we pick up the print out of 'how are you feeling today?'  Ah yes, the 12 question questionaire that asks you about nausea to mental well-being.  Are you anxious today?  I put a 6 out of 10.... probably the highest mark I have put in so far..... hell yah, I am scared beyond belief but you wouldn't know it as I totally beat Max in a game of Othello on my iPad. The lady across the way asks about the game and then mentions one she loves to play.... Sequence.... I will have to look it up.  I ask her if she has played Mille Bourne?  She has not been able to figure it out and I tell her that I have the iPad version which guides you through play.  Max does not want to play another round of Othello.... he only has 3 white discs on the playing field.  We move on to virtual Yatzee.  What I would have done to have an iPad 4 years ago!!!  I download my newspaper every morning from the Free Press.... $54 per year!!

The pager goes off and a familiar nurse steps forward....'Oh, you know I was hoping you would not come back here', she says when she recognizes me.  She smiles warmly as I put my hand on her back.  We hug.  She guides me over to the weigh scale.... dare I say I am just a few pounds from 200!!!  All that emotional eating through university days really paid off!!!   The intake nurses are amazing and the work they do behind the scenes to support the patients and doctors is tremendous.  She brings in my documentation..... all 2" of it and proceeds to ask me how I am doing?  She has such empathetic eyes and a soft voice.  I am asked to change into a gown and wait for the doctor.  Max and I are left to ourselves.... men always think about sex, no matter what is going on and he points out in the women's fashion magazine he has picked up from the chair, that see through bras are an amazing invention.  We both burst out laughing.  He flips the page, only to find the matching panties.... enough said!!

The door opens, the laughter stops and we watch the stone face of the Chemotherapist as he pulls a chair over to sit down.  Normally he would pull over the 'staff only' rollaway stool, but not today. He is there to talk business first.  He tells us that he has been in a few conversations with my medical Oncologist Dr. Locke and they have spoken in detail about my disease.  I ask him to explain exactly where all the nodes are.  They form a Y which starts at the neck, under both sides of the clavicle and down the center of the chest.  It explains the shortness of breath and choking I have been experiencing over the past few months.  While I am still considered asymptomatic (without symptoms), they will soon present as the disease progresses.  How fast would be anyone's guess and the doctors do not know.  It is the same biological pathology as the first cancer.  Did it lay in waiting until the right circumstances triggered it?  It was a very stressful year and stress is a trigger for many diseases..... it is all just speculation and it matters little now how it came to be, only how we can deal with it.

There are a few moments in the meeting where the tears well up for both Max and I as we are told that it can progress quickly or take its time.  We are looking for solid answers and we will not get any.  The first chemo I was on was only given in three doses, three weeks apart.  There are three components to this chemotherapy..... 5FU (5-Fluorouracil affectionately called 'F$#% You'), Epirubicin (red color known for its effect on the heart of some patients) and Cyclophosophamide I.V.   These make up a combinational approach to reducing the lesions in a number of cancers....   There is no cure, only control of this cancer.  There is no definitive time frame only a short term solution to control a lifetime disease.  (I know quite a few people who live with chronic health issues including lifelong cancer - it is not always an immediate death sentence and has the same chances as any one of us being hit by a bus).  We are told we can think about it.  Max asks a few more questions.  He is concerned about the lesions interfering with my breathing.  They are inoperable, including the one sticking out of my neck.... which if it chooses to..... can work its way out of the neck and be dealt with when or if it does.  This is more than I wanted to know but at some point the discomfort will have me begging for it to leave no matter what the circumstances it takes to exit.  I do not suggest you research this online..... you may come to regret your curiousity.... I know I have. We will try three rounds, three weeks apart and then a CT scan to see what is happening to the lesions.  It will only continue for three more rounds if the lesions are shrinking.  We will discuss any other options should this one not work. 

He wants to start chemo right away if we agree to it or whatever we decide to do.  We both look at each other and decide to give it a try.  We are met again with my intake nurse and she gets me to fill out permission slips.  It reminds me of the slip I signed this week for Lydia's last day of school where she is now sitting in the theatre with her classmates.....not the same form!!  I have all the paperwork afforded to me on the kinds of medications and what we can expect.  The fever card is tucked in neatly with all the contact information should I develp a life-threating infection while on chemo.  If you have not read my previous journey.... a slight scratch brought me to the ER and was given an IV of antibiotics.  I try not to focus on the journey through chemo that will begin next week.... yup, right after the long weekend celebrations.  We have to 'donate' a blood sample before the first chemo and so we make our way over to the lab just through the now empty waiting room and past a ghastly looking man sitting outside the chemo suite and across from the pharmacy.

I peek my head into the lab door and see Heather walking towards me.  She is a lab technologist I was friendly with in my first journey.  She is happy to see me and gives me a great big hug.  We have bumped into each other just about everywhere in the past few months.  I told her about dragonboating and now her grinning face retells the adventures she has had in the recent DragonBoat festival held in London at Fanshawe lake.  i can feel her excitement as she relives her experience in an animated and excited way.  She peeks over at Max and recognizes him from a charitable event .... we have been to so many over the years.  Max is never surprised anymore on how many people I have made positive connections with.  Earlier in the day, I called the VP of the school I had worked in at my last practicum. I had promised to let her know what the outcome of my testing was.  It is her last day of work and she is now off to enjoy a much deserved retirement.  She is a survivor and a truly wonderful woman who I also feel a connection to.  We have promised to keep in touch.... I wish you all the very best in your new adventure Mary.  Hugs.

It is time to head home to meet up with the kids.  I call Sara and let her know the outcome of the meeting. She is surprised we are going to take chemo.....after that whole bit about no chemo talk earlier.... but it is not the one chemo that made me so bloody ill.  We have a lot of work to do and will be doing it all weekend before the chemo journey begins.... chemo fog will rob me of my ability to remember a train of thought... thank goodness for my iPad to help me pull it all together... I love technology.  There is an urgency in getting together all the material in the event that a colleague has to jump in and save the day(s).  Time will tell over the next month if I can handle the pace and the side-effects.  It will not worsen with each treatment, so it will be predictably the same each time.

Lydia has earned her money in getting the best marks ever!!!  she loves her lego and we head out to pick up dinner and her toys.  I think I have memorized every freckle of the hundreds on her face, the bright blue eyes and the larger than life smile.  Mitchel is quiet as we drift through the aisles following Lydia who has already chosen her prize!!  Mitchel is the emotional thermometer in the house.... he has chosen to spend the night at a friends house... he knows the score.  Later I will tell Lydia that I can make her no promises and she turns to face me and says 'yeah I know Mom, its OK, I understand.  Let's just enjoy our time.'  We are having a sleepover together in the spare room after trying on some 'just in case scarves' I bought last week with her.  I do not have to explain to her what the score is because we have always been up front with her.  She trusts us and I would never sell her a bill of goods willingly.  We have decided over the next little while to create some Lydia and Mommy movies so she can have them with her to mark better times.  While she is upstairs getting her stuff together for our sleepover.....

I am sitting with Max and looking at my husband who is my rock.  He has had a few drinks with his close neighbour buddies and has fielded a few tears from our friend Sue.  I am looking at him and I begin to cry.... then  sob.... he comes over to me and we look deep into each other's eyes.... his are the same blue as his beautiful daughter and full of love.  It is raining in my heart today for the hurt I am putting him through and for how much I will miss him if my time comes sooner than planned.  We have such a deep connection to each other born of a deep love and respect.... oh heck, we just started laughing at each other.... and hysterically.  He is sure I will come back to haunt him and I am pretty sure too!!!!  We will live our lives, laugh and love. It's not perfect, but its the best that it gets for us.  Time will tell on our new chapter and we will continue to focus on today and worry about tomorrow another day.  LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH

........ a private life?

Yesterday was quite a day!!!  The neighborhood bully has expanded their reach across the street to my house on probably the one day I chose to sit quietly and reflect on what life for us will be like in the coming months.... days before my children really start their summer holidays and a day after seeing my Oncologist.  Something tells me that their adjacent neighbors will finally solve the issues that have plagued them for years from these people. I am leaving Karma to deal with them... and saving all my energy for more important things....

A surprise visit with Kirsten was cathartic in so many ways.  She went through this illness with her Mom who would eventually pass of the disease when she was in her early high school years. She needed to tell me all the things a Mom should hear about what the illness will try to take from their children while they are trying to survive.  I know my first instinct is to just withdraw and try to pull in all my energies.... but her words hit home and I will remember to make recordings to my children to let them know how much I truly love them and to be consciously aware of when I try to withdraw.  She also said that I needed to teach them about who I really am... beyond just being their mother.  Its true that we only become truly aware of who our parents are when we ourselves are grown and raising children.  Our perspective becomes richer and our awareness more honest with experience and time. I was never close to my mother even though she lives a few miles down the road from me now.  She has dementia which is worsening as the days go by and a recent phone call to let her know what the diagnosis is starts her talking about poor so-and-so who is 92 and dying of cancer a few doors down.  "Oh, its so hard for me to see this resident going through all this", she says..... I let her know that I have to go and she asks me how I am doing.  I think to myself that at least the 92 year old got to see their children grow up and has lived long enough for my 80 year old Mom to feel sorry for him. She doesn't know his name......  I tell her I am fine.  Later I would sit with Lydia and watch while she expertly built her latest Lego project.  She loves to build these kits and create imaginary villages.  She is so incredibly amazing and I adore every single freckle on her face, her bright blue eyes and her amazing smile.  I hope she lives each and every one of her dreams as I think I have lived most of mine.    

My neighbor friend Brenda made her way across the back yard when she knew my company had left.  She gingerly stepped onto the back deck and made her way over to me.  She says she is sorry as she wraps her arms around me and kisses my head.  She is not a demonstrative woman, usually choosing humour to offset her discomfort, but today is different.  She wants to know what is and what will happen in the months to come.  I myself am not sure, only that it will not be as straightforward as the first journey.  I will know much more in the weeks ahead.  We sit together and watch her tree being chopped down while enjoying a cup of coffee. Keep the humour going Brenda, I know at some point, we'll both need it.

Max is such an amazing husband and I try to remember to keep some of my most private thoughts to myself, as I know he does too.  We both know each other well enough that we can read each other's minds. We both know the score and we talk about what our options might be.  I need to really think about what is best not only for me but for my family.  There is no quality of life at all on chemo..... it has taken me three long years to finally feel like myself - strong and capable of taking on the world.  I remember reading a touching and heart wrenching blog of a woman who started the LympheDIVAS company after a battle with breast cancer and the lymphedema that followed after her surgery. I came across her blog when I ordered a sleeve online.  (http://www.lymphedivas.com/rachellevintroxell.asp).  It was well written and spoke to the desperation of a young woman who was trying everything to survive her second diagnosis .... while living her life the best she knew how.  I wore my sleeves and loved them for the creativity and ingenuity but still preferred to show off my 5 Koi fish tattooed on my upper arm which the sleeves hid.  My koi fish has a tiny pink ribbon on its belly which was supposed to be covered up after my journey ended but as luck would have it, I am not able to finish the art work on that arm because of the edema risk.  Ironic how I can not erase that from my arm or from my life journey.  The koi are often seen as 'lucky fish' but really, they are a representative of our life's ambition to achieve the status of Dragon... resilient and powerful.  I am born in the year of the Dragon and even have a little blue eyed dragon tattooed next to my koi.  My husband and children are all represented by their own koi fish permanently inked weeks before my breast cancer surgery four years ago this weekend.

As we talk, I note a 'pink' gift given to me by a friend weeks before my diagnosis.... it was just a weird, 'out of the blue' donation..... I picked it up and walked it to the kitchen counter.  I believe Max found a good home for it in the garbage can.  I like the color pink... just not all the 'pink awareness' garbage found in every store these days.  The money lines the pockets of manufacturers making them wealthy beyond belief.... according to one FB pink company, they are enjoying their newly expanded warehouse.  Comments on their pink site are mostly women gooing about the latest pink ribbon flip flops.  Put your money into something much more valuable, like research.  London Ontario has one of the finest research facilities right in Victoria Hospital and of course Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto.  Believe me, breasts in and of themselves attract attention!!  As a girlfriend of mine often says (who survived colon cancer), "where are all the brown ribbons?  Do they even have brown ribbons?"  There are so many ribbons out there, even I do not know what they all mean.... I have yet to come across a brown ribbon though.  Go figure?!  She says "it's just not sexy enough".... we both laugh at this because really, what is sexy about cancer?  How much money has been raised or spent on breast cancer over the past 30 years?  I am sure the numbers are staggering and yet.... here we are, on a secondary diagnosis wondering what the hell happened?   

Well, its a few days later and the emotions are starting to settle.... tears have fallen, fears felt, love expressed.... let's just keep on going.  I am going to live my life.  All of us living in this mortal world are brave and not because we face our worries and fears but because we have no choice.  We have a life to live and we make choices on how we are going to live it despite the fact that none of us have any control.  Our attitudes and our ability to stand up when we fall down are a testament to the enduring human condition.  We believe ourselves to be immortal despite knowing we are not.  That is how we all make it through the tough times because they are blended in with moments that take our breath away. 

I wish to dedicate this blog to EVERYONE brave enough to live a good life.

..... another overcast day......

..... its called foreshadowing in the world of literature and in my life.... its called life.  I woke up this morning after a quiet evening.  Thanks Pat for the wonderful bottle of red wine.... it helped ease me into a deep sleep, free from worry.  I had my cup of coffee this morning and then headed out to visit with Sarah a few blocks from Victoria Hospital.  I let Max know that I was fine to go to the hospital by myself.  I forgot how busy the cancer clinic is mid-morning as I stood in line waiting the get the pager.  Everyone who is a patient at the clinic receives one and you can hear them buzz like an angry hive, complete with flashing LED's when it is their turn.  I am feeling dreadfully quiet and even when I hear first the gong from the radiation department downstairs signaling a last treatment, I do not join in to the clapping.  The gong tolls outside chemo a few minutes later....I still don't clap....I do not want to be here.  There is a young fellow with his friend sitting a few seats away.  He is loud and obnoxious as he describes proudly to his friend all the crazy treatments he has received.  I try to tune him out but finally after describing in detail his runny stools I turn to him and ask him to stop.  He is only quiet for a minute then continues to 'entertain' his friend for everyone to hear throughout the large waiting room.  He is being glared at by a number of patients but chooses to ignore them and continue.  I am grateful when my pager finally drones.  My happy place is not where I left it as I follow the nurse to be weighed and seated in the examining room.

The nurse has decided that I do not need to put the examination gown on because Dr. Locke wants to speak with me first.  She asks me how I am doing and I just shrug...  I tell her that I made peace with myself four years ago when I was first diagnosed.  I am mortal and that is how life is.... we all have to go one day but what counts is what you make of all the days in between.  I know in my heart that the biopsy is positive and when Dr. Locke appears and sits down his look says it all.  It is the same pathology as four years ago.  I put on my game face, ask the standard questions and then ask him what the prognosis is.  So far so good that I found the lump despite being asymptomatic...that is the story of my life... having to be intuitive instead of symptomatic.  The lumps will not be removed unless the cancer makes its way out of the skin so there will be no discussion on surgical procedures done today or anytime soon.  So the main lump stays.  I will meet sometime in the next two weeks with the chemotherapist about what our next move is.  Considering we already went with the big guns in the first diagnosis, it might just mean a little more of the same thing over a longer period of time..... we do not know at this point what we will be doing or what is available.  Dr. Locke asks me if I need to see a spiritual councilor.... no, I will just head home and be by myself for a while.

I am not myself this afternoon and after a number of cups of coffee and little to eat.... my coping skills are not great.  A quick call to Max to come home and just sit with me before Lydia comes home  would be best.  I am not sure quite what to say.....the tears fall too easily today.