...... busy week while waiting for results.....

.... and enjoying my time working on the back deck.... which is where I am right now blogging.  There is a chill in the air and a clear blue sky.  This is day 2 of setting up my office outside.  It is hard to work on days like this in the basement.  Oh look, a squirrel!!!  He is hanging in the branches above the neighbor's roof.  The gardens are in full bloom including the mass of tomato plants.  A Bluejay has come to see what I am doing.... he is inching closer on the eaves while the squirrel makes its way back into the next tree after racing across the neighbors roof.  The Bluejay is now peering at me from the top of the fence.  He is more curious about the clacking of the keyboard as I type.  I can hear a Mourning Dove in the next yard behind me and the trickle of the pond waterfall which Max repaired last night.  There are finches playing in our apple tree and an assortment of others foraging for food in the now empty bird feeder.  Everyone should have such a wonderful office!!

June 14th, my husband organized a truly wonderful surprise dinner at the Palasad after an amazing day of graduation at Alumni Hall.  Max said I had quite the cheering squad.  :) What a gorgeous day filled with hugs, best wishes and loving friends.  Thank you so much Max for pulling together as many of my friends as you could.... I should have guessed you were up to something when you asked me to unlock my phone!!

My father-in-law had his second hip surgery on Monday after being in excruciating pain for some time now.  We affectionately refer to him as the 'Titanium' man now that he has had both knees replaced and both hip joints replaced.  He is such a trooper!!!

I have officially finished my time at Beal this past Tuesday.  Mrs C has been such a wonderful substitute/LTO and after many hugs and promises to keep in touch, she hands me a lovely thank you card.  She writes that I have inspired her to reawaken that excitement for teaching again after a decade of supplying.  Adam comes over for a hug and lets us know how much he enjoyed working with us both.  I will miss working with this team!!  With all the money the government wastes..... it wastes it on themselves instead of putting it into creating collaborative teaching, which I find works so well and the students get the benefit of a unique blend of ideas and approaches to learning.

Yesterday I received a text from a classmate.... apparently my photo did not make it onto the Technical Graduating Class of 2013, along with about 9 others.  The original sign up for the pictures did not have the Technology selection available which is why our pictures did not make it on the class picture. It would be ironic in terms if it shows up in the Drama group with the people I spent the majority of my time with.  I will miss all of these wonderful, young, energetic and fun colleagues!!!  Muah!!!

I am still waiting for results which will likely come at my scheduled appointment next Wednesday the 25th.  Until then, I am busy drawing up the lab sheets for the course I will be instructing in the fall.  The parts are ordered, software is in place and now it is just a matter of pulling all the notes together.  Some major changes that will give the students a more hands-on approach to learning and a series of lectures that support the lab fundamentals.  I am excited to be back in the groove!!   Its fabulous working with Sara, John and Mitch this coming semester. It is a collaborative and supportive team, always tweaking to improve the students experience.  I consider myself very lucky indeed!!!

..... biopsy Wednesday.....

..... I got up this morning and decided since the instruction sheet called for a fast prior to the biopsy that I would just stay in bed and begin writing my paper for Spec Ed.  Max is busy working on a project and has gone downstairs.  We both just need the time to be alone and to do our own thing.  I have been in great spirits all week working with Sara at Fanshawe and gettting the student projects ready to go for the September intake.  I have been keeping busy to take my mind off the last biopsy I had, which wasn't too bad but now we are dealling with a lump and its involved nodes that are nestled in amongst a very densely rich venous area and major nerve system. 

At 11 am, we decide to head out to the hospital to make it to admitting for 11:30 following the instructions to report in 2 hours prior to the procedure.  When we arived in the new patient admitting area, we were told that we did not have to report to them 2 hours prior to the procedure and that we were to go directly to Ultrasound on the 1st floor in D building.  I began to wonder, what in fact was accurate on this list of instructions as my hungry tummy snarled at me as we stepped off the elevator in D building.  I would soon learn that essentially the only accurate instructions on the appointment sheet were the ones on how to get to the hospital and park.  Since we were already there, we might as well sit it out...... that was noon....

The ultrasound waiting room consists on a small enclave hosting an adult waiting room and a child's waiting room just beyond the main reception desk.  It serves both ultrasound and Xray patients and  judging by the ebb and flow of incoming.... most of them have been recently served in the emergency room.  There are a number of very small children and one little tot whose hands appeared to be awkwardly facing back up along the arm.  He was simpering and trying to suck on the fingers of his right hand through the bandages that encased them.  This hand too was cantered at an odd angle to his arm.  His round eyes rolled in his cute cherubic face and he would begin to simper as he arranged his bandaged fingers to poke away at his eyes.  A mother with 3 young boys in tow and a baby in a stroller has manoevered her way through and into the childrens waiting room.  Its hosts a beautiful tank in the center of the waiting room with tropical fish. One of them looked remarkably like Dori from Finding Nemo..... I prayed she would forget the trauma executed through the hands of the trio of boys slamming the glass repeatedly.   An attractive young woman and her equally attractive mother arrive at the kiosk.  She wants to know how long it will be before she can be seen and touches  the round of her belly.  I see her concerned look and she winces as she takes a seat.  Her hand is tapping on her knee likely trying to distract her from her discomfort.  Her mother has moved to sit in a chair and promptly removes a book and begins reading.  I can hear a small child crying from somewhere withing the back hallways of the xray department.  Max has settled in and is working on a project of his own.  He is tapping out notes on his iPad, much like I am doing now.  There are so many patients moving through this waiting room where I would sit for the better part of 2.5 hours before my number is called.... I wasn't even considering calling bingo..... my humour was waning while my anxiety was increasing.

Tracy will be my ultrasound technologist for this procedure.  She is lovely, with a sense of humour and a gentle voice.  She asks me if I understand what a biopsy is and I nod my head.  I let her know that I have had both needle and core biopsies.  She procedes to ultrasound the left clavicle and searches around until she locates all of the involved lymph nodes.  She focuses on the largest lump which is just above the clavical and begins to document the size of the lesion (medical term for cancerous growth) and then turns on the feature that shows venous involvement.  A cancerous growth needs to feed itself and in so doing, will often draw a blood supply to it.  This test will often help to guide the physician to take samples closest to this supply.  A lump is not full of cancerous cells, it is a body's way of attempting to protect itself and often the cancerous cells are microscopic and often difficult to locate unless the entire lump is removed.  In that case, the lump would be sliced thinly enough to be seen through a microscope. 

The doctor comes in a few minutes after Tracy consults with him about her ultrasound findings.  He decides to go with a core biopsy.  This is done after the area under test is frozen with a local.  The core biopsy is done with an 18 gauge needle and since it is unable to perforate the outer skin layer, a sharp scalpel is used to nick an opening to allow this large gauge needle to enter the tissue to be sampled.  The core biopsy needle requires assistance to remove the tissue and so a retractable plunger is used to draw the sample into the needle.  With a quick push of a button and an audible click, the plunger retracts quickly with its sample safely pocketed in the shaft of this 6 inch needle.  This is then ejected into a sample vial for pathology.  The physician wants to be thorough and he does this procedure 5 times using the ultrasound to guide him to his mark each time.  The procedure is painless for the most part but becomes uncomfortable after the freezing comes out.

It has been a long day and I am beyond tired.... emotionally, I will have a little cry outside of the MacDonald's as my husband runs inside to get me something to eat.  Well, that part is done and now the wait begins again for pathology that will report back in about 10 days.  I am heading off to bed now that I have eaten.  Lydia has arrived from school and bounds up the stairs to say hello.  She got her iPad for a birthday gift and needs me to help her download some games.  She is growing up so fast.  

I want to dedicate this blog to my soul mate who does his best no matter what.  I am proud of how wonderful a husband and father you are.  I love you with all my heart. 

...... change in plans?

We almost had to miss Convocation day!!  Of all the days in June to book an ultrasound guided biopsy and it had to be smack dab in the middle of my Convocation.  I did not want to miss the event I have dreamed about all year, but then, I did not want to delay the biopsy.  I asked my Oncologist to see if booking could change it but if not, I would settle with the original appointment.  Thankfully I only had to wait overnight with a quick early morning call from nurse Marg to let me know that the appointment has changed to the Wednesday....two days before!!!  That gives me one day to recoup for the big day.  I am grateful for the efforts and coordination it takes to shift schedules and to squeeze me in.

The procedure should take approximately 1 hour (I believe with sedation) in the ultrasound room.  With the lump having moved above the clavicle in the past few weeks, this should make it easier for them to work with it.  It has grown in size since I first discovered it months ago.  While I am concerned about the fact the cells are in the nodes around it, I am confident they will find a sample of the cancer and be able to map the next course of events.

I am still volunteering at the high school part-time to assist the substitute teacher.  This week I am teaching soldering techniques to the senior group of students.  There is one girl in the class and she has bragged to me all semester about her soldering ability and that she really doesn't need to take any lessons.  Ah youth!!  As it was, she did poorly when it came to soldering the few components she was asked to do on a perforated board I had supplied to each student.  After a litany of excuses, I sat with her and showed her how to properly solder.  She will continue to practice until she perfects this sometimes difficult skill.  It is the first exercise where I have been able to get an ADHD student to complete the task and he did remarkably well..... with fist pumps and high fives, his smile lit up the room.  Talk about exciting!!!  Even our nervous chatterbox sat quietly engaged and did an amazing job!!!  Mrs. C was just so happy to have me help her in the classroom.  She has done well with the students and is learning how to effectively deal with them and they are learning to descipher what she is saying through her heavy accent.

The Spec Ed online course I am taking is great.  I love being able to do this course when I feel comfortable sitting down to work on it, which is usually before bedtime.  There is so much reading and writing associated with this course along with discussions, which are my favorite aspect of the course.  I will be taking a Green Industry course in July- also online and it is only being offered once!!!  How lucky am I?

I am also busy doing curriculum development for Fanshawe which involves a lot of research and development.  So far I have created the bones of a project build and this week will have a firm plan in place to create the meat of the labs and the lectures to accompany this project.  I am so excited for the fall intake now that I have a greater insight to teaching and the experience of two technical high schools which feed into Fanshawe.

All in all, feeling very positive this week.  I am looking after myself, eating properly and reducing the carbohydrate intake.

I dedicate this blog entry to all the people behind the scenes at the Cancer Clinic who make it happen every day for patients like me.  To my Oncologist Dr. Locke for making sure that things get looked at  right away.  I am deeply grateful to those who have offered support and kind words to myself and my family.  To Lydia's supportive and loving teachers Patti and Niki - you are truly a blessing in our lives and we cannot thank you enough. xox

.....a reflection while I await a call....

..... one thing is for sure.... waiting can drive you a little crazy, so I have decided to write a reflection piece while taking some down time this afternoon.  Today is my class graduation party... I am not attending this event.  I am not feeling well physically today - queasy from a mix of sinuses and fatigue.  I can see out the window that the wind is picking up and I am grateful that I was able to put in a little gardenting, laundry and clean the bathrooms before heading upstairs to lay in my bed......

I love FB for all the posts that people put up and the connection I felt when I first began my cancer journey 4 years ago.  I was able to meet new people, laugh at their posts, cry at their losses and feel strangely connected in my isolation.  My husband and children were always there to support and love me along with some very dear and close friends.  I lost some 'friends' along the way in that journey and my ex-husband who stopped seeing his own children the minute he heard I was diagnosed.....

I was watching a video from youtube today that someone had posted.  Patrick Stewart had been asked  about what his greatest achievement was besides the obvious ones as an actor.  He spoke of a violent father who raised him.  He discovered a few years ago that his father was experiencing post traumatic (shell shock) from the experiences he had as a soldier in the war.  The violence against his mother at the hand of his father, prompted him to get involved with organizations that support women who suffer with domestic violence.  He also now supports an organization on behalf of his father.  I believe our life experiences shape who we are.

Both my parents are products of privilege who lost everything in the war.  My mother was the eldest of three sisters who was raised in a wealthy German home in Berlin before the war broke out.  She had maids, went on summer vacations with her parents and younger siblings until they had to flee from the bombings.  They lost everything.  I would only know my grandparents for a short time until my mother met my father and moved to Canada in the mid sixties.  My father managed to narrowly escape Hong Kong and his first memory is of his father running with him tucked under his arm towards the boat that his mother and sister would board with him and take them to Australia.  His father would remain, be captured by the invading Japanese forces and be interned in Stanley concentration camp Christmas 1941.  He would be killed by American naval friendly fire 8 months before the war ended and be one of 13 unlucky names on a tomb stone in the civilian side of Stanley cemetery.

My mother was resentful and had difficulties raising 4 children in a strange new world while my father immersed himself in his schooling at Western Engineering.  He had no role models other than the nuns who raised him at boarding school from the time he was 4 until he graduated at 19.  It was not uncommon for British families to send their children away to England to boarding school in those days if you had the money.  My father would go to Canada against his mother's wishes upon graduation and a few years later, would join the military, move to Baden-Baden, meet my mother and marry.  Two parents, dealing with their own disrupted childhoods, resentful of their pasts and trying to create their own family bonds while moving every two years without any help or support from distant or non-existant family members.  We were truly on our own. Mom aligned herself with my oldest sister, gave her an incredible amount of responsibility and leaned on her through some desperate times.  My sister essentially became an overbearing bully.  I would spend years as her punching bag and she would take pleasure in embarrasing me whenever she could.  I could never seem to stay out of her way.  December 2012 was the final straw after patiently putting up with her bullying for 48 years I contacted a lawyer and put in process an order for her  to cease and desist.  I am now just a casual visitor to our parents who live in London within minutes from my home instead of being the caregiver I had been in the preceding year.  My father has alzheimers and my mother has dementia.  I can no longer expend the energy to fix what was broken so long ago.  My brother supports my decision to finally break all ties with my eldest sister who can no longer hurt me anymore from her place 3500 miles away........  I am learning to move forward..... life is all about learning and seeing challenges as opportunities to grow the soul.

I owe a great deal of thanks to my husband who is always there for me and loves me through some of my most challenging times.  He truly is the better half who lets me know, with everything he does, that he is there every step of the way.  He is the strong one in a quiet, steady way.  My parents in-law are the parents everyone should have.  They love you no matter what.......My father in law has been my guide and sounding board for 15 years.  I am deeply indebted to you for your kindness, strength and compassion.  My mother-in-law Eve is a kind and gentle soul whose love for us and our children has created the family roots my children deserve.  I cannot thank you enough for being a part of our lives.  They are proud of me and celebrate each and every milestone.  Thank you so much.

I owe my life mentors a deep gratitude for the love and patience they taught me through raising their own children.  I learned how to be a really good parent to my children through Eileen.  She raised four children on her own using perserverence, faith in her abilities, humour and love.  She came from a tough childhood and marriage and learned to push through all that.  I know how deeply sensitive she really is..... most of us who have survived abuse do.  I love you Eileen, you have always told me the way it is and even when I didn't want to hear it, I was listening and took your advice.... today, I have 3 tremendously fabulous children and I thank you for your guidance.  I am eternally indebted to you.  You have been there from the beginning.... fate brought us together.

I am looking back out the window and feeling the serenity of sitting quietly by myself, listening to my daughter play in her room......a perfect afternoon as the clouds thicken, winds pick up and turn to see my ever faithful pets sitting with me. I am grateful.

.... waiting for the phone or anything else to ring.....

..... is making me antsy and uncomfortable.  I have decided to stay home today to work on an essay which is due in a couple of days.  I read my email and FB as my eldest child slips into bed beside me.  He has taken to sleeping over now about 2 nights a week.  I do not discourage him....Mitchel seems to need him now more than ever and he has a calming effect on his younger sibling.  He gives me a peck on the cheek and heads off to shower and go downtown to pick up his bus pass.  I get up, grab a coffee and putter around outside.  The neighbor friend is cleaning her pool.... I do not feel like visiting today.  I am tired like crazy and last night's thunderstorm had my mom's dog Laidee going bezerk in the house.  At one point she dove onto my head abruptly awakening me and would continue to climb into the bathtub or our ensuite shower until the storm subsided.... all night.

I feel like that today....except it is my imagination running amock in my head....whose idea was it anyway to have a coffee while researching cancer prognosis on my iPad?  A friend left me a message on FB about her mother dying of cancer within a year of treatment.... she left it twice, probably thinking i must have missed it somehow.  While I know she meant well, it is difficult to read stories that do not have a successful outcome.... especially when you are waiting for more tests to determine if it is the same cancer or if the game has changed. Thoughts of my mortality plagued me this morning..... it is not a thought process I often entertain but it is always there in the back of my mind.  Yes, I am strong but inside of that thin exterior is a mom who loves her children and is already dealing with their anxiety and fear about maybe losing me.....

When my oncologist called on Monday, he wanted to let me know that I would soon be getting a call to book for a biopsy but to let him know just in the event they didn't call by the end of the week.  It's Wednesday today.... is that close enough to the end of the week?

Thursday brings a friendly face for company on the back deck.  Adrienne has brought a few wobbly drinks to imbibe in.  She is incredibly smart, insightful and is so interesting to talk with.  The time passes so quickly and I invite her back to chill by the pool this summer.  Thank you so much for your company and sending a squeeze to your Mom.  Bring puppy next time!!!

The neighbors gather in the evening for a few drinks on the deck of Mitch and Brenda.  More neighbor friends join in to the laughter and good times.  I am tired tonight.... as usually but I want to stay.  William asks to be dropped off to his girlfriend's house, he is not feeling well.... emotionally he, like my other children, is coping but you can see physically he is not doing as well as he says he is.  Mitchel is keeping his friends close and Lydia is attached to my side while we are shopping earlier in the evening.  They touch base with me a few times a day.  Later, my fatigue plays out when I move Max's van in the neigbors driveway and rub the bumper across the rear wheel well of our gracious host's son's car.  I make a note to speak to him in the morning....no point ruining everyone's sleep....

It is Friday today.... I called to let my doctor know that I still have not heard anything.....so the wait continues into another week.... no stress.  I spoke to my neighbor's son and offered to pay the bill to have his car looked at and repaired.  He says he's not worried.... no, but I am and will make it right. My wonderful friend Kelly drops in.  I adore and love her so much..... we have been friends for many years and I can see why... she always tells me, from the heart, what she thinks....she does not hold back and I always love that candid honesty.  She has a hard time understanding why I will always try to offer the first apology in a situation.... or why I have a strong desire to always try to do the right thing when I sometimes get hurt for the effort.  She's not the only one!!!  I am deeply blessed by the people in my life....I just have to learn to not expend my valuable energy on anything else but spending time with those that value it.

I was reading my FB today and noticed a young reporter Scott Miller, whom I worked with for years when I was at CTV has been diagnosed with testicular cancer.  Cancer does not discriminate and for this young man and his young family....it is devastating news.  He has made it a public announcement and knowing him, it is because he is always interested in helping to educate others through his news stories....this time the story is about him.  I will pray for him and his family for a positive and healthy outcome.

Today, I hung out my laundry, did homework, had lunch with Sarah who had an ultrasound today of baby #2.... life goes on.  Sending out my love and hugs to my family and friends....

I dedicate this blog to Scott Miller as he enters a new chapter in his life, to Sarah and her new baby (boy is my guess), Kelly and her adorable Michael.... and of course to my beautiful children and soul mate.

....... dropping in for a visit.....

.... and to volunteer at the high school I was privileged to have my second practicum and T2P at.  I arrived at 7:40 am to report in and speak with the Principal and Vice Principal.  I have a deep respect for the VP's admission of her own recent journey with breast cancer.  It's not hard to see the emotion in her soft amber eyes. She understands my need to return to support the students until I am unable to.  I am happiest in the classroom and I am deeply grateful for the support and kind words as I head downstairs into the classroom.  Mrs. A sees me and the excitement on her face and the welcoming hugs are returned with equal excitement and happiness.  She is deeply concerned when I tell her that I can only be there at the most, a few days a week until the next step in my journey.  I have learned to quickly re-direct and get to the pressing business at hand..... a quick catch-up before heading out with Adam for a breakfast meeting.  It is a way for us to touch base and speak about my diagnosis away from curious ears.

I have such a deep and admiring respect for Adam.  He is an amazing father to his children, a loving and respectful husband and a wonderfully supportive friend and colleague to me.  I am deeply grateful for his support and assistance through my time at this school.  He makes me laugh!!  He is a true pioneering spirit with electronics and computers and has a vast knowledge based on many interests.  He is always thinking.......We head back to the classroom for a meeting after chatting with the VP.  She acknowledges my thankfulness for Adam's assistance.

I was able to sit down and collaborate an outline of the final group projects and the marking/rubric scheme with Mrs. A and Adam.  I was able to extend  deadlines for two students....who thought I would not return.  One quietly returned after lunch with one submission completed and a promise to submit the other two on Monday to me.  It felt genuinely great to come back!!!  I will only be able to work one day a week at the high school and the other time will be spent completing the curriculum for my other teaching position at the college.  I cannot wait until I get my new soldering iron in the mail and begin the building and testing of the project and associated ammendments.  The positive goals will keep my head occupied while my body goes through more tests and proceedures in the weeks to come.

I have enough notes to create a comprehensive project outline while Mrs. A will assist in creating the lesson plans and necessary documentations including a daily diary.  We hug and I let her know I will return on Monday with the paperwork and the two pico-boards I purchased for the students who will be programming. We are both thrilled to be working together.  While I am sitting at the desk, our student who accidentally injured my toes came up behind me, wrapped an arm over my shoulder and leaned in to apologize again for accidentally injuring me.  I looked back, smiled and warmly replied that It was OK....it was just an accident.  I have connected with so many of my students and I speak with each of them about how they are doing while we cover what academic expectations they are working on.

I pick up my brother-in-law on the way home.  It is the first time he has seen my since my diagnosis.  We sit in his living room and drink a cup of coffee.  He is deeply concerned.  We have a great friendship based on mutual respect and similar interests.  He has always been in my corner helping whenever he can.  We head back to my house where he will stay for part of the weekend.  Everyone should have an uncle Paul in their family.

I return a phone call to the head of the guidance at Mitch's school.  I am grateful for the support of his councillor as we make arrangements to inform his teachers and my first associate.  Mitchel knows that the guidance councillor will make arrangements to see him on Monday.  They will offer him the support he needs over the last four weeks of school.

Lydia returns from school on her bike.  Weaved in amongst the cables of her brake lines is a bouquet.  I can hear her rushing through the house calling to me.  I peek into the package to find the most beautiful bouquet of yellow Gerber Daisies.  A note tucked in amongst them is from Ms. Leisheid, who is one of the wonderful teachers at the school I had asked to support Lydia.  I am at a loss of words for this soul who cares so deeply for my daughter and myself.  Mrs. Panopolous, Ms. Leisheid and Ms Knight are a few of her teachers who she knows she can go to when she needs a shoulder, a hug or kind words of support. Thank you so much for your love and support in our time of need.

Mitchel's girlfriend's mother pops in to talk about him travelling out west this summer to vacation with them.  He needs a break and has worked so hard this year always supporting his sister and making our lives easier by always helping around the house.  He will be travelling there on his own and with his girlfriend on their way back.  The excitement will give him something to look forward to and take him away from his worry.

Friday night brings friends around for a quick hello and hugs including Will, Haley, Sarah (Mitch's girlfriend and Sarah.  Sarah and Len's baby is growing within Sarah's burgeoning belly. She will have another ultra sound on Friday.  I have volunteered to go with her.  Payton is  her super cuddly 2 year old.   Her laughter, bright eyes and hugs brighten the room with fun.  She loves her 'Auntie' Marita.  It is time for everyone to leave and lots of hugs later.....I am off to bed.

I wish to dedicate this blog entry to those who have shown much love to my children. It takes a village to raise a child.  The more people you surround them with who truly love and appreciate them, the more joy and acceptance they will find in their world..  They will know that even in their darkest moments, the earth has its own angels.  xoxoxoxo  Thank you to Deb Issac and Alphie Meery for their love and support.  To Chelsea, Patricia and Alan..... I love you.  Always, Marita
maritadevries@rogers.com

...... announcements and meetings.....

..... I spoke with my father-in-law yesterday and asked his advice about announcing the early diagnosis.  He agrees that it would be in all our best interests as before to just get the news out to everyone.  He especially liked that I had reopened the blog again.  We found it to be such a good source of information for those family members and friends to be kept in the loop and to be able to ask questions.  It is a great tool for teaching others and he agrees.  I get a chance to tell him how much I love him and how grateful I am for all his tremendous support.

I posted on FB in the early evening of the 21st of May and fielded a call from the best doctor on the planet... Annette Richard who has been in my corner making things happen when they need to happen.  I am always in awe of how she tirelessly supports women like myself going through the journey.  We are both on the same page.  She has seen some of my darkest moments (which usually do not last long).  She knows I am a deeply emotional being and despite the hard outer layer, she knows how to cut through and get to the heart of any matter.  I am strong because I have to be.... I am a mother whose children need me to be that way.... they need to know that despite what I may be going through that I am still there for them.  They feel safe despite how candid we are with them, our attitudes dictate how they will react to what life throws at us.

Today I am calling the schools my children attend to in order that they may be supported through to the end of the school year by their teachers and councillors should the need arise.  My children are my first priority in getting the attention and support they need.  Leaving messages really bites and I feel a wave of emotion come over me as I leave a message with the head guidance councillor for the high school my middle guy attends.  He is our sensitive emotional child who might not ask for help but he needs to know that it is there anyway.  Miss Lydia's VP is amazing and we agree that all staff in the public school she attends should be notified especially the ones she is close to.  What a wonderful VP to offer assistance and her cell number to let her know on the fly what is going on in order to further facilitate support.  Thank you Ms Lee!!!

I am available this morning to take my eldest child to an appointment he needed at an ultrasound suite as part of his military application. He desperately wants to join the corps and talks about it endlessly.  He knows that I have his back and is grateful for our support.

Yesterday I headed out to the college to speak with my colleagues, to not only discuss the curriculum, but to also inform them of my illness.  What an incredible group of amazing people, whom I dearly love and whose emotions were hard to bear.  I kept calm, dry eyed (for the most part) as I told them what the diagnosis was.  They have my back and its a relief to know that I will be able to do my job without having to worry about keeping it quiet.  They will be prepared for whatever comes down the road....no surprises.  I am deeply grateful for the extension in the curriculum development which I am currently working on as diligently as possible to create the best program possible for the students.

..... the messages of love and support keep coming in with phonecalls, texts, emails and posts on FB.  I am not sure what to say except I am overwhelmed and deeply grateful.  I learned in the last journey when speaking with another patient.... keeping it a secret just compounds the issues and creates emotional issues for the loved ones who are unable to express themselves without feeling a level of burden and guilt.  For the one person who hurt me so badly this year, I had to learn to withdraw and try to move forward.  She couldn't possibly know how deeply her words cut into me or how her behavior affected my personal well-being..... because I was strong..... I walked away and withdrew to gather my strength and resolved to learn from this experience.  I was already sick by this time and it compounded everything else I had been going through with my eldest sister, my parents and the work demands.  I kept it all to myself and withdrew to lesson the burdon to anyone else.  I believe cancer to be a thermometer for stress in a person's life.  As a teacher, we must always try to be mindful that what you see on the outward behavior, attitudes and looks of others is often a mask for what lies just beneathe.  Judging should be reserved for those more qualified and not a perfect stranger.......We must learn to respect and treat each other the way in which we would like to be treated...... being human means we are always learning.

I wish to dedicate this blog entry to my dear friend Melina whose second diagnosis came just months before my second one.  We were both diagnosed 4 years ago with our first round as well.  She is amazing, beautiful and strong. My deepest gratitude to my family and friends. xoxox.... and so begins the next chapter.