.... slow to mend

..... whoa, I think every joint is protesting these days and I find myself shuffling and in pain - it comes and goes and I figure it will fade in time.  I try to do something physical every day like walking or gardening and soon I will go back to the gym thanks to the kindness of a friend of Max.  This friend keeps in contact with Max and has generously extended my membership as I was unable to go these past 6 months.  I am dedicated to losing the weight and getting back in shape so that I can get back to my routine as soon as possible.

The early and abrupt menopause is likely a culprit adding to the roller coaster emotions, although I am feeling much more grounded today - found some projects to do to keep my head occupied like the garden ornament which had faded in the sun over the past few years - acrylic paints are magical and within an hour, the garden ornament was ready to go out by the pond.  Ah, the pond.... magical in itself with the three surviving fish swimming happily amongst the greenery coming back to life as the sun shines through the now clear water.  Shelly has given us some small fish and they can be seen every once in a while.  We will miss her and Paul now that they have sold their house across the street, especially Lydia who makes her way across carrying a realistic turtle that she adds to the pond.  She looks at us and lets us know that she will miss her friend.

Lydia has grown so much this year and I have enjoyed every evening with her, reading books and teaching her the strategies of playing checkers.  She is not a baby anymore and I see the adult teeth pushing through the front gums.  She has broken another tooth this past week and the Dentist needs to put in another crown - this all because of an accident when she was 4 years old.  We were visiting a local park and the railing of a deck overlooking the Thames River was only just below my knee.  Quick as lightening, she followed her head down the 8 foot drop and impaled her chin on the rocks below breaking a number of molars..... it was that dramatic incident that was the catalyst in selling our house and buying the one we really wanted.  Funny how we sometimes wait for something to happen before we change directions in life.  I feel like that a lot these days and not surprising considering the situation of the past year.  I was reading an article about the people aboard the aircraft that slid into the Hudson River a few years ago... it makes you re- evaluate your life.

Mitchel is becoming more outgoing, however that being said - he still reminds me of the scattered professor.  He is unkempt, leaving wrappers in his wake and being a general slob of sorts.  He is taking a shower regularly without having to be asked now... he is hitting his teen years now - wow, 13 years old!!  He says it doesn't bother him that his Dad no longer calls on them... its been over 8 months now of silence.  It's hard to say what is going on in Mitchel's head but he holds my hand out of the blue and will crawl into bed with me on the mornings that I can barely pull myself upright.  He is an observer and notes the other day that we all are on a journey and some not as obvious as mine.... he too has grown so much this year and stops to talk about whatever is on his mind.  My children can tell me anything and we talk about everything.  We know each other well and despite the odd bad day, we have a close and loving relationship.  Kids are funny, they take each day as it comes.

William has grown to now a little over 6 feet and didn't take long to do it.  He is maturing rapidly in his features and his new job is maturing him towards adult hood.  It's funny how he takes pride in being accountable to his boss and strives to do his best... of course the paycheck is a bonus too!!  I know that I have done a good job raising him - we trust him and know that he has made so many decisions lately that  show he can be.  Today he made a great purchase - the stretcher earrings that he has had his eye on... he struck a deal with the vendor and walked away with a $10 savings!!  He is confident and carries himself well, something I wish I had when I was his age.  He will be 16 at the end of the month.  We have promised to send him next semester to driving lessons.... cannot afford it right now, so we will wait until I go back to work.

Max has read yesterday's blog... of course, he didn't realize that so much was going on with me and he has become very attentive.  I have stopped wearing make-up for now and my hat around the house but I am not brave enough yet to actually traipse around the yard without one.  I look like a little old man with my gray hair (apparently the natural tint will eventually show) which is still sparse in the front but longer and fluffier in the back and sides wearing my straw hat and ambling through the garden with a seat and some tools.  I can barely bend down so I end up sitting on my bottom and shuffling along.  My arms do not quite have the strength back but I have been assured that it should in time....

April 17th 2010

After this incredible month of warmer climates, I have to make my way out of doors to retrieve my plant pots before the ice pellets damage them... it is 6 degrees above but feels like -2....brrrrrrr.  My neighbor and I head out to a pool store to pick up some parts and chemicals - the store is empty of customers but the next one we get out to - a patio store is busier.  We are anxious for a better summer season than what we had last year.

This morning I attempted to weed the front lawn with my fiskars... makes it easier to pull without bending but the task has worn me out and i am leaving piles of weeds laying about for Max to collect.  He comes out to check on me and the tears roll down my cheeks... I am tired and feeling sorry for myself... it has been a really crappy week and the weather and my fatigue have just added to the frustration.  It will get better and in time this will be just a thing of the past.  I will start at the gym on Monday and dedicate a half hour each day to walking or working out - I have been told to just stick with the cross-trainer for now and build up to other equipment when I am not so tired.  My hands and feet still aren't right and walking or standing too long (only a few minutes) causes pain in the joints of my knees and hip joints.  My wrists and hands are sore and feel numb at the tips but I work at these everyday... the swelling in the extremities is still there - not only do I look like I am old with the gray hair but I feel it too.  I get to see my doctor on  Tuesday and hopefully she will have more information.