.... preparing for radiation....

.... and not being able to gauge how I really feel about this next procedure.  I have been told that the radiation treatments will be painful to the sternum for a short while before the pain I have been experiencing starts to abate after the cancer is hopefully incinerated.  I have been warned that it will affect my skin and possibly do some damage to the structures beneath it.  

The skin between my breasts and along the sternum is very sensitive to the touch... bordering on painful. even if i just gently run my fingers along the bone.  It feels like a bad sunburn - and I haven't even had my first treatment yet.  I pray that we just affect the tumour and not cause any further damage.

The new pain medication is working to relax and give me some much needed rest.  It is an organic prescribed pain killer, which we spent the weekend converting to a medicinal rub and additive to my evening tea.  It is suspended in coconut oil as a base and preserve to prevent it from spoiling.  The rub has been working well on the skin providing much needed relief from the constant ache.  Ingesting a small amount before bed allows me to sleep pain free and wake up in the morning with the energy needed to sail through my day.  Pain free sleep is a blessing - it is the time of night when I am able to recharge the batteries and face the day with a better outlook.  

Last evening I tried to help Max in the garden.  It is no longer possible for me to pull plants without causing the sternum to protest and send pain shooting into the arms only to be followed with numbness and then more pain.  Bending over still causes issues with the Vaga nerve that runs along my neck.  I feel old.... and am just hoping that with the treatments I can begin to feel better...

I just asked a friend of mine to help me to make a video. What kind of video?  A friend of mine reminded me a few nights ago that the one thing that bothers her the most about the passing of her mother when she was 14 years old; was not being able to remember what her mother's voice sounded like or that she never got to know her mother as an adult.  It suddenly occured to me that I needed to undertake this project soon before any more time elapsed.  While I think I still have lots of time left... time has a way of getting away from us.... it passes quickly.  Celine was amazing and wonderfully patient, kind and loving..... her children are so lucky to have her.  She took two hours of her time to 'interview' me so I could tell my children some of the things I wanted them to know and how special they are to me... and my Max.  It was a deeply emotional experience and I am grateful that Celine came in on her weekend off to help me.  She is editing and incorporating pictures we gave her on a thumb drive.

Monday 29th September

 - today will start day 6 of 10 of radiation treatments and I have just realized that the cough I have been developing is not so much radiation related as it is my first cold in over a year.  Despite my best efforts to remain sick-free, alas, it is the school season and its hard to disinfect after helping my students on their computers.  It happens every year and this year will be no exception.  

I can tell the radiation is working because the hump that had formed a few inches below the clavical has reduced in size and is less sensitive to the touch.  It is still radiation and with that comes its own set of risks for more cancers in the future.  With all the vitamins and chlorophyll I take daily..... we are hoping to reduce the total impact to the body by assisting with the healing process.

REIKI is going well.  It allows me to connect with myself on a spiritual level.  On Thursday, Janet was working on me when I felt a few interuptions in the flow of energy..... she would tell me later that I had a'visit' from my cousin who had passed... I couldn't think of any cousin except the one in the hospital in Germany who is dying of cancer.... could it be him??  Either way, it was a comforting message. He basically told her that he was looking out for me.  There are a lot of skeptics out there but I really believe he did come to see me.

School is super busy but really enjoyable in between all the appointmenta and running around to get things done.  So busy that I decided the family needed a much deserved vacation.... so we have booked it for the week after Max and I finish teaching this semester.  The kids are excited and so is Max.  William will be coming with us and is looking forward to chilling with his brother.

.... where there is fear....

..... there are lots of tears and dark nights. 

Friday was a long day... it started early early morning and the last class ended at 9pm.  I am the new coordinator for the weekend program.  My first weekend class runs from 7-9 pm... the pain in my neck was worsening through the entire day but by early evening my head was starting to feel woozy.  By the time I headed out to the parking lot in the  torrential rainfall the nausea was hitting in waves.  I sat back in the drivers seat taking a deep breath.  Pulling out of the driveway I am praying I can make it home in time.  The pounding rain and humidity are making my head spin and I look to pulling over when the nausea becomes overwhelming and I put up my hand just as I throw up.  In true Marita fashion... I roll down the window and fling the partially digested apple onto the empty rain soaked road and continue to drive.  My lap is soaked with another wave of nausea.  I am just minutes from home.

I pull into the driveway and stagger up the steps and through the front door.  Lydia greets me at the door and realizes something is wrong.  She rushes up the steps to run me the requested bath.  Max is at the neighbors and makes his way home when Lydia calls him home.   I am in the bathtub trying to relieve the increasing pressure on the neck.  No amount of shifting can make me comfortable or relieve the pressure.  Stepping out of the tub, the head spins again after the pain increases in the neck and I empty the rest of my stomach contents into the sink.  I am tired and just want to head to bed.  I will have another class early in the morning.

It is now Monday morning after a restless sleep.  I tried taking a new painkiller and it is not working.  I have a number of suspicious symptoms:

1.  Not hungry

2.  Do not know if I am full after eating

3.  Continuous pain in the neck and upper left back

4.  Pressure in the neck

5.  Dull pain in the breastbone... when it used to be sharp

Tuesday morning brings the expected fatigue of yet another restless night of uncomfortable rest... I am visiting with a pain specialist mid morning and I am hopeful that there is something he can do to help me with the chronic pain which always worsens through the night.  I arrive at the clinic and have difficulty sitting in the waiting room chairs so I stand and sway ever so gently back and forth while gripping my left arm into a position making it slightly more comfortable.  I am called in to the room and without warning the tears start to flow.  I catch a sob mid throat.  I am assured that it is OK.  I am fighting the urge to completely break down and I look into his face and quietly apologize while wiping the tears that seem endless as they fall off my chin and onto my shirt.  He writes a script and explains the process necessary to procure the pain aid.  His asssistant comes into the room and explains in further detail the process and to make an appointment in a few months to see how effective the medication is.  The tears start again... more with relief that I am working at making the pain as manageable as possible so I can live a quality life.  That was a promise I made myself this year.

In the mid afternoon, I have another appointment but this time with a Reiki healer.  Her office is inside my chiropractor's new healing center.  I have never tried Reiki and I am curious about this new experience.  The outer office is quiet and the lights are low as I make my way over to Janet and shake her hand.  We begin by me lying on my back and her hands on my forehead.  Her hands are cool to the touch.  I do not know what to expect and at first I feel nothing but the coolness of her hands and can hear her deep intake of breath.  She moves one hand to the base of my neck and then the spot begins to heat up.  The nerves branching out from the neck and shoulders begins to awaken in a low warm buzz and I can visualize in my mind the sensations.  The vision it creates is like that of a large tree with branches reaching the tips of both shoulders and down across the front and back.  It reminds me of the trees on the African plains with the broad expanse and tiny branches budding out everywhere along the hardier ones.  She makes her way down to the chest and she places one hand parallel to the clavical just below it and the other one just above the bottom of the sternum.  The heat radiates between the hands and into the middle of the sternum itself as if the heat is seeking out the tumour.

My mind opens and follows the path the energy takes through the body as she works her way around and I envision the energy as white light bursting into the darkest corners and burning the cancer cells.  With each buzzy feeling coursing throught the nerves I find myself relaxing and allowing the flow to find where it needs to go.  The stress melts with the heat.  Half way through I have to take a quick washroom break and eagerly head back.  Only this time I am to lay on my stomach.  My sternum doesn't feel comfortable and I shuffle around trying to find that sweet spot where it doesn't hurt.  She begins again at the top of my head and again I only feel the cool tips of her fingers.  I am trying to find myself back where we were before the break.  Ah, there it is.  She spends another 30 minutes going along strategic points in my back.  The pain is diminishing from the pain the lower back was in earlier in the day.  I book a number of appointments with Janet over the next few weeks and then head off home.

Lydia walks in the door and announces that her throat felt a little constricted a while after taking the third dose of her antibiotics.  Sunday I had to take her in with a painful bladder and yes, she has a bladder infection.  This was the second antiboiotic prescribed beccause the first one was unavailable.  I decide to take her back to the walk in clinic to get her looked at again.  Yes, the infection is still there and those antibiotics were not working, just working at making her sick.  We get another script and head back to Shoppers for what is now the third time this week.  Fingers crossed that this one works.

Wednesday morning - 1 am.  I am writhing in pain and am having difficulty getting up and taking a breath.  Every breath brings more pain and the left shoulder is agonizing.  I force myself downstairs to get an Alieve to try and dull the pain but by the time I get back upstairs to attempt to lay down the grunts of pain and instant tears start... I am panting and grunting and a total mess by the time Max finds me in the spare room. I struggle to look into his face but the effort rewards me with a sharp pain above the left shoulder blade and a stiffled scream.  He is trying to help but even the pressure of his hand on the top of my shoulder is causing another jolt of agony into the neck, shoulder and back.  So you would think that I would just be swearing and pissed off with the world but no.... out comes the comedic routine... so in keeping when I am in the worst of pain... and likely a form of denial... Max joins in with quippy one liners... sheesh... I get no sympathy!!  LOL  He tries packing me with pillows to relieve the shoulder pain.  I look at him and decide that nothing will work but tell him that its fine and for him to go to bed.  I head downstairs to grab a nerve pill to see if that will take the edge off... it will be over an hour before any comfort comes.  It is now 4 in the morning and I will try to get a few hours in before I have to get up for work.....

.... off to the cottage....

..... with the pain in my sternum now creeping into my left breast.  Lifting my arm elicits pain that deepens into the underpit and swellls the tissue just beneath the skin.  The ache is somewhat akin to a tooth ache and sleeping becomes impossible.  After tossing and turning for the better part of an hour, I drag myself out of bed and make a cup of tea.  

The crickets are chirping in the dark signalling the end of August near the lake.  Lake Huron is a mere hundred meters away from the cottage a dear friend has gifted us with as a family holiday.  We are in the Bruce Penninsula, a gem in the province of Ontario and a few hours drive from where we live.  It is only 5 am and the sun will be up in a few hours.  For now, I will sit in the dark livingroom on a comfy couch and blog.

Over the past few days before heading out, we began the garden clean out signalling the end of the summer growing season.  There are still vegetables such as carrots, brussel sprouts, broccoli, pumpkins and a miniature water melon growing.  The tomato plants have a blight that has damaged a portion of the crop and it was fortunate that I picked most of the tomatoes before that began.  The rains and lack of heat this summer have created a challenging growing season for many gardeners this year.  It was such a cool summer that the potato plants produced berries... which look like tomatoes and contain true seeds.  Most years a potato plant will only produce tubers... which of course we eat.  Max was deeply disappointed considering all the work we put in to making the boxes. We made quite a bit of relish and salsa this year and we were able to freeze some beans for the winter.  Next year, we will have a different layout in the garden and will try other veggies.  As much as I liked the Cosmos in the front garden, they too will not be replanted due to the fact that they cast a shadow deep into the garden. 

While the garden did not pay for itself this year... the boost to my personal health and emotional well being was priceless.  There is nothing better than feeling a sense of accomplishment and looking forward each day to seeing what is new in the garden.  It was a great experiment and I am deeply grateful for each new neighbor I met this summer while puttering in my front garden.  

There were a number of special moments spent with my family.  Miss Lydia is becoming a young woman and I must say that our relationship as mother and daughter is amazing.  When I look at her... I see a lovely, intelligent and amazing human being to whom I am forever grateful for being given the priviledge of raising.  I did not have much of a relationship with my self=absorbed mother.... she could only reserve enough of herself to share with her eldest of three daughters.  i often thought she didn't care much for me with her often times short temper and lack of patience.  When I watch my daughter, I wonder if I would have been like her given the environment she grew up in?  I see a lot of me in her and am aware of how sensitive she is.... how sensitive I am.  I visited my mother just before heading out for vacation and she spent our time complaining about her friend Fred.....she continues to believe the world revolves around her.  I looked at her across the table and wondered how lonely her life must be when all she can do is complain about someone who is always trying to please her?  It might explain why he chose to sit at the other end of the table with his guests.  Her petty jealousy will eventually cost her a friendship with a truly wonderful man.  I simply looked at her and let her know that he could speak to whomever he wanted to. Sad.

Thursday 28th August

Today is filled with meetings at the college.  Its that time again and I am really excited to begin the school year!!  This year will see me working through the week and now on the weekend as the new coordinator for our program.  I have begun the process of organizing the course and working collaboratively with the other faculty members to produce a good flow between courses.  Students often think that each course is a stand-alone with no connection to their other subjects... so we are using our communications course to thread them all together and give some continuity to learning outcomes.  

I am in pain and gratefully taking the Tramacet prescription sent by my doctor to the pharmacy while I was on vacation.  I am to take it every 4 hours but unfortunately when I rose in agony this Friday morning at 4 am, I realized that I had not taken one before falling asleep.  Its a good thing I have Chiro today. Tuesday I will get my results from the CT scan and I am hoping all is well..... fingers crossed.  I have noticed that the stomach issues I was dealing with have stopped as of this past Sunday.  The prescription Tramacet is used for nerve pain and since it works we know that the pain is primarily nerve.  There are 'hot spots' along the left chest and underpit which hurt when touched.  This morning I am struggling with just moving my neck - typical symptom of sleeping in an awkward position to avoid the pain.  Chronic pain is difficult to deal with some days.  I try to move as much as possible to keep the lymphatic fluids moving but this morning.... not so much.  Each movement from the time I got out of bed to now is painful.  My kitty is trying desperately to get into my lap but a quick no and he moves off in search of another comfy spot - it is only 5:30 am.  I would love to go back to bed but I do not want to wake up Max...I will lay down on the couch and close my eyes for a while.

Thank goodness for Dr. Laura Gravelle who has helped me immeasurably today with the pain.  I can now move my neck and i am comfortable too now that the medicine has kicked in.  Her offices are now at 350 Oxford St. West.

REFLECTION

Personal health care has to involve mental/emotional, physical and spiritual.  The oncologists just address the physicality of the cancer.  I am a strong woman physically and emotionally - I am pragmatic and have faced every part of my illness head on.  I do my research and am diligent about pursuing what I need while learning to advocate for myself every step of the way.  With the recent call from the hospital fund raising venture to expand the chemotherapy suite.... I am now convinced that cancer is on the rise and with the loss of two friends while on chemo.... I am sure we have not come any further in our approach to cancer treatments.   We are not addressing the causes of cancer and the constant fund raising into the billions has not brought us any closer to finding a cure... only a bandaid approach to this insidious illness.

Proper health has to start with proper eating.  Everything we put into our body has to be used to heal and assist in proper physical maintenance. Our bodies are incredible and with the necessary ingredients, it can heal itself.  Reducing stress every day and maintaining a positive attitude is key in starting the healing process.  Find hobbies and passions to create an excitement for living and a distraction from concentrating our thoughts on our illness.  Make future plans and strive to find goals that bring you personal satisfaction.  Read labels - better yet.... don't buy anything that has a label containing a long list of ingredients that look like a chemistry set.  My rye bread has three ingredients, none of which are preservatives.  Your skin is your largest organ.  Keep it clean and healthy but being aware of what you are putting on it.  Protect your skin from damage and infections.  Make decisions that make sense.

 

In the news this week:

ALS bucket challenge has hit most of my friends and I am grateful I have as yet, not been challenged...cold water would put me into painful spasms and I cannot afford to donate at this point.  I understand that a majority of the money raised is going to administration fees and wages.  It is getting harder to find charities that are not fundraising for incomes, marketing and administration.

Tim Hortons merger with Burger King - I sold my stock off at an inflated price and made a good return.  I have re-invested my earnings.  Today the stock is dropping.....which makes me feel way better about selling a stock.  Timing is everything.

My blog on Metastatic cancer - I was asked to post a link about the benefit of MRI's on a post I wrote 10 months ago.  I do not subscribe to mammograms or the hype about how many lives they are saving.  It is an x-ray and may actually do more harm than good.  I was told to have them as part of my  radiation trial in 2010.  Within weeks I had more mammograms than the average 65 year old.  When the radiation treatment failed... I was able to decline all future mammograms.  I chose instead to use MRI or ultrasound.  

Today we say goodbye to another of our World Vision Children because the community in which Isaiah lives in Nadowli, Chad, Africa is considered self sufficient.  We have been given another opportunity to support a new child named Demba from Mauritania.  We have a choice to either consider another child or to not support this one.  We have chosen to keep this one and still maintain our other child Diana in South Central America.  It is heartening when we see a community be able to stand on their own!!!

....... pain....

Pain is our body's way of telling us that there is something wrong.  The pain is eminating from the breastbone and into both sides of my chest but most notably in the right side.  The pain is apparent when I cough, sneeze, or attempt to get up - pushing up off the bed or rolling over.  I can find a number of sensitive spots when I press down with my fingers.  Despite all of this, I get up and putter around....the movement is essential I think to reducing the pain even though it is painful to move.....

Miss Thelma, our beagle cross, had to go to the vet's office.  Her tail is tucked tightly between her legs and trying to manipulate it upwards and causing her to cry out in pain.  Our regular vet has just recently retired and has left her practice to a lovely Vet named Bonnie.  Max has to accompany Thelma and myself to the Vet's office because lifting her would cause too much pain.  As it is, she cannot get into or out of the car without falling.  She is not a patient dog and she pulls us around the waiting room as she goes from one bag of food to another sniffing it out while the resident kitty Bosco peers over the bench we have seated ourselves at.  

Bonnie is so soft spoken and very gentle with Thelma... she feels every inch of her and notes a number of lumps.  She finds a painful spot on Thelma's spine and continues to her tail where she gets a yelp from the slightest pull upward.  Her gentle face looks into mine when she lifts up Thelma to return her to the floor from the examining table.  She has a look of concern as she sits on the floor next to Thelma.  She plants a kiss on the top of Thelma's head and begins to talk to us about what our thoughts are on the care of Thelma... she gets up and excuses herself for a minute and returns with a box of kleenex.  Apparently my eyes had sprung a leak.  What is the difference in how we look at end-of-life care for our pets and for ourselves.  I am torn looking at our dog, our beautiful loving Thelma and realizing that her cancerous tumours will take her life soon and mine.... well, who knows.  We have to consider Thelma's quality of life.... and what does that mean??  It means that when she is in agony and can no longer move properly... we will have to consider the alternative.  For now, the steroids she is on is making her comfortable and she is beginning to eat again.  She is also peeing all over the floor because that is a side effect of the medication.  Let's hope she stays comfortable.

I am looking forward to beginning a new school year now that the summer has been disappointingly cool.  It's great though for working in the garden and I am preserving produce as it ripens on the vine.  So far I have made relish, pickled beets and Salsa.  Its amazing how good fresh veggies are just out of the garden!!!  The pumpkins are ripening fast and turning orange.  I wonder if they are turning early because of the cold nights??  The tomatoes are finishing their ripening on the counter and then once ripe... end up in the freezer until I have enough tomatoes to cook.  It makes it easier to remove the skins too... just run them under hot water and the skin splits and peels.  Easy peasy.

REFLECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA

I have a love/hate relationship with FB.  I love the fact that you can communicate at a moment's notice to someone half a world away, look at their pics and know something about them that you might not otherwise have discovered.  I dislike the fact that people will use FB to air out their daily dramas, post endless selfies and post comments that they now feel obligated to defend using whatever tactics to win the argument.  Here's how one such incident played out...

A 'friend' posts a comment which became hotly debated.  My comment was then rewarded with a return volley that amounted to using my cancer journey on chemo as being a direct support of scientists using animals for testing.  What animal testing and the original post of declawing her cat had anything to do with my cancer journey felt like a slap in the face.  I was angry that such an insensitive and mean volley was followed by a typical disclaimer of 'well you are a strong and opinionated woman so I thought you wouldn't mind'.  The apology she issued privately through text ended with a 'but' and then turned it around back on to me.  

Is this a phenomenon of social media or is this just seeing what a person is made of?  After a back and forth and an offer to get together over lunch (my treat) .... she wanted me to know that she wasn't sure?  Its a great lesson to be learned to weigh out what you think and what should be written in response.  Perhaps the down side of social media is an upside to finding out how people really think and feel.  To be fair... after a lengthy back and forth, I let her know that I am writing a paper on my experiences with social networking... of course her name and identity will be anonymous.  Her response after my coming clean and letting her know about my experiment has us hopefully meeting for lunch to discuss what happened and how we could both learn from the experience. 

We are all responsible for what we put out there on the internet and should take ownership... of the 15 comments I put out on my social media friend's 'hot topics', clearly this was the only one who used a highly defensive mechanism to counter her point of view by stating how I couldn't stand for her to be right.  It had nothing to do with being right or wrong but more about crossing the line, using personal information to win a side of the argument in front of so many people that clearly was not related to the topic of discussion.   

It has been a few months of experimenting with social media on both FB and Disqus and I have learned so much about communicating socially online with others.  This latest experiment on FB was an eye opener.... I intentionally posted to stir the pot to see what reactions I would get...  I got more than what I bargained for and a few real surprises along the way.  I am writing a paper on my experiences with social media and what amounts to a uniquely different way of communicating through the written word. Knowing who you are communicating with is obviously really important and knowing to what extent a person will go to win an argument is equally as important.  Should I have unfriended her?  

The simple answer would be Yes, and I did, but without speaking face to face, which ultimately is the true test of communicating, it would have to be a 'not sure' right now.  Using my personal information against me publicly crosses boundaries of that friendship line.  We make many assumptions in our ability to communicate with others and it is always based on our own thoughts and feelings.  Looking forward to lunch and get the eye to eye communication of course depending on how she reads this post?

For the other 14 posts... many turned into wonderful opportunities to learn and grow from the interaction.  Some I apologized openly and genuinely to online as a show of respect for those I was 'battling' wits with and letting them know that I was learning the ropes on what trolls were and what online commentaries are really about.  There were return apologies and an offering of words of support and kindness from three of the combatants. These have proved to be invaluable in how one conducts themselves online.  Once out there on the internet,  it is virtually impossible to remove.  It is quintessentially a way to understand how you are perceived by the written word by others who do not know you and who care less what feelings get in the way of their retort once they feel offended.  Choose your words carefully, less you are misunderstood.

There was one post on FB where the topic was 'catcalling' and those late teen/early twenty somethings were brutal in their comments and had no qualms about openly attacking one of the young women who was posting comments.  Eventually it sank as low as to post naked photos and comments I dare not post here.

The first posting I did in this online experiment was with regards to an attack in China by a group of radical muslims.....the forum was hosted by a known American racist woman, Pamela Geller (not allowed in Canada because of her hate mongering). The comments were appalling, vicious attacks on anyone who had anything positive to say about Muslim people.  It was my first venture in learning how to not respond and to just be an observer.  I was interested in seeing which comments earned the most negative responses and how they were written.  Some pro-comments were upvoted primarily because they reflected the majority opinion.  Those that were pro-muslim drew the most dispicable behavior of "hey everyone look what I found out about this person..."  a true example of online bullying eliciting help from other online bullies with #norealname.  The whole experience rattled me to the core... was this really what people thought or was this a mob mentality playing out in the virtual world.  It was the first time I truly felt afraid of our world in general and wondered how in a civilized world, people could be so barbaric??

In all, my paper will eschew the experiences both good and bad in my online foray as a grown adult who has not grown up with online social networking. I am grateful that my self-esteem is healthy and that this experiment has made me wiser and more prudent about what I post and what I comment on. Life is easier in the garden enjoying the bright sunshine and laughter of my children when I am not in pain.  Cheers!!!

August Long weekend visit....

The long weekend is here and my sister arrives in the late afternoon after a long drive from Ottawa.  Her smile lights up the front hallway as the kids come down the stairs to greet their Aunt Patricia and Uncle Al.  It's been a year and so much has happened since their last visit.  Patricia spoils us with lovely gifts and grins widely when Lydia wraps her arms around her Aunt and thanks her.  Mitch pulls on the red Roots sweatshirt and gives her a hug.  He has grown and slimmed down since she last saw him and comments about how adorable he looks.  Lydia comes in for a second hug and smiles up at her wonderful Aunt.  How lucky are we that she and Alan have made the journey again.   My gift is a Coach purse... my first ever!!  I have only hugs and love to give back.  

They have brought steak with them for supper so Alan and Mitchel head into the kitchen to begin the preparation while us gals head to the back deck to catch up with a beer in hand.  I love listening to her stories and of the places they have visited... later in the weekend, they will show us a slide show of the highlights of their 9 week trip to Australia and New Zealand.  I wish we had done more travelling when I had the full-time income.  I am deeply proud of them for pursuing what is important to them in life and living their lives to the fullest.  They are a phenomenal couple!!! 

Patricia pulls together an amazing salad and Mitchel has cooked unbelievable steaks and baked potatoes with guidance from Alan.  Wow, what an amazing meal.  We continue chatting into the evening over beers until they head off to their hotel. 

Saturday has us heading out to Port Stanley for a visit to their famous beach and then later to eat at GT's on the beach.  Mitchel has decided to stay home - he is feeling under the weather.  The day is overcast and by the looks of the weather warning on the Weather Network, it will soon turn ugly as the afternoon progresses.  We take advantage of the early afternoon to walk through the town after picnicking on the beach.  We take in the sights and the quaint shops as we stroll along.  The men decide to sit it out when we head into the 'girlie' shops and re-join us when a store piques their interest.  My sister chats amicably with the store owners and one in particular about a specific type of Italian glass.  Her travels have taken her around the world and she has experienced and learned so much....I quietly take in the conversation from a distance when I realize the artwork I am standing in front of is from a man I used to work with at the TV station years ago.  

My Beautiful sister Patricia

I could tell you about the man behind the artwork but not the form of art he does.  This is the second artist I knew from the two galleries we have just visited.  From near or far from where you live, there is always something to learn and experience.  It was fun playing tourist in a small town we have visited many times.

Welcome to Port Stanley

GT's On The Beach

Dinner was amazing here as we sat beneath the metal roof of GT's.  It wasn't long before the sky opened up and the rains poured down while we ate lake perch caught right here in Lake Eerie.  It is a large fresh water lake that forms one of the Great Lakes separating Ontario from the United States.  This lovely town of 38,000 swells to more than twice that in the summer with cottagers arriving from all over.  The local fisheries sell their fish in the market just off the harbour.  

Harbour Fish Market

One of the fishing boats moored behind the fish market in the harbour.  Two seagulls rest atop the hardware on the deck.

Sunday 

This is our last day together and we have decided to visit with my Dad at the longterm care facility.  They tell us he is in a grumpy mood as we make our way to his room.  This is Patricia's first visit with him in years and she is not sure what to expect when we arrive.  He is laying down on his bed just staring around when I approach and get close enough to get his attention - he is blind in one eye and has minimal sight in the other.  He hears my voice and looks up into my face and smiles.  "Hello Dad", I smile back into his now broadly grinning face.  "I have a visitor here who has come to see you.  Would you like to see Patricia?"  He looks confused at first and then his face brightens as she moves in for a hello.  We help him to sit up and note that his PJ's are wet from sweat.  No worries, the PSW has come in to take Dad to the bath.  Since the bath is not ready, we are walking him around the floor trying to keep him occupied until its ready - about 15 minutes later!!!

We will head downstairs to the outside garden to have our coffee with him.  She is happy that he has some lucid moments in our visit together.  She takes him around the small garden and points out flowers and things of interest including the myriad of little feathered visitors.  We have our coffee at a little cafe table in the now deserted garden.  Then the hijinks and hilarity started.... here is Dad being silly!!  Oh, and my new look.... from Artic Blonde to redhead.  

Monday August 3rd 

Tuesday August 4th....

...... gets me out of bed soon after falling asleep.  My stomach is rolling and the burning sensation lets me know that the liver or gall bladder is once again dumping its contents. I head to the spare bedroom to lie down but find myself groaning as I push myself back up off the bed and head to the bathroom.  There is some relief but the bowel doesn't feel empty and hasn't for a few days.  I want to cry but I know that it will only serve to make matters worse so I head downstairs to take a tablespoon of Apple Cider Raw/unpasturized/organic Cider vinegar.  The pain will slowly ebb and flow.  Max has made his way downstairs... I can hear him behind me but I tell him to not touch me....I have my head on the counter and I am jogging my feet up and down to help slosh the vinegar around the belly.  I ask him to go to bed as I make my way to the dining room to continue my jog on the spot as I lean in to the table.  I can hear him head up the stairs.  I hope he gets some sleep.  It takes another 15 minutes before I make my way back up the stairs and slump into the spare room bed.  I turn over and note that the pain in my sternum has radiated into the ribs.  Great.  Just one more thing to be concerned about.  At least it doesn't hurt when I breathe..... at least not yet anyway.  This morning is dark and stormy - perfect background for how I am feeling.  

I find out that I have an ultrasound appointment for the one day that I am volunteering at the College so now I am attempting to get that changed if I can to another day.  The frustration of being in pain and a constant stream of appointments and medical pokes is driving me nuts.  The CT scan only showed the abdomen and not the chest.... so here we go again with another scan which hopefully does not happen on my holidays... but knowing my luck.... it will.  Sigh.  This morning, the frustration showed in the tears escaping down my cheeks as I kept busy trying to not focus on how I am feeling these days.

..... wonderful visits and a CT scan......

My family is away at the cottage and I am staying at home.  The phone began to ring on Monday from friends wondering how my week was unfolding.  My first visitor of the week arrives for lunch.  I was fortunate to be helping and eventually teaching for Karin at the local high school. She wanders through my urban garden and is wowed by my garden and often asks how I manage to find the time and how she wishes she did.  I tell her that I make the time to do things that bring me happiness and things that fill my soul. We part with a hug and a promise to see each other soon.

Later in the afternoon,  Mauricia arrives.  She has been a friend since September 2009 from my early days at Wellspring (cancer support).  She is a two time survivor and at 71, she is super young at heart.  We sit on the back deck chairs and share a bottle of red wine.  We talk about what's important and laugh at the craziness of our lives.  We have a wonderful time and I look forward to seeing her soon.  I love you.  I will be participating in the walk for Wellspring in September.

Tuesday brings Brayden, Lisa and Kelly to my backyard in the high heat of mid-July.  I went to school with Brayden and Lisa a few years ago at Western University and Kelly graduated from the same course a decade before.  Kelly wasn't sure she should join us as she had texted me earlier in the day to ask if she could pop by since she would be in the neighborhood.  She fit right in and we all spent a wonderful afternoon talking about what we all have in common - teaching!!!  Lisa is heading back to Sweden to teach for one more year in early August and the rest of us will return in September to our respective schools. 

Wednesday brings Elaine to my front door to accompany me to my CT scan at Victoria Hospital.  It is  

7am and I am glad I set my alarm to get me up... I am usually up early but Laidee was freaking out with each roll of thunder over night.  She was jumping in and out of the bathtub and in my shower.... I was too tired to get out of bed other than to go to the washroom.  I am sore in my left thigh and left hip... likely caused from trying to balance my way around the garden but I am not sure and I am already feeling anxious about the CT scan.  We arrive early and find a parking spot easily.  With a quick trip to the Tim Horton's on the main floor, we then continue on to the CT/MRI unit.  

I know the routine after so many scans..... first the contrast liquid - 1.5 litres of orange flavoured 'juice' sipped over an hour and then off to the change room to put on hospital clothes.  I always cringe at the prospect of yet another I.V needle shoved into an already impossible vein.  I let the tech know when I get comfortable in the chair that the main vein in my elbow is not a viable choice.  She prods and decides that it is soft enough to give it a go.  I knew what would happen but often, its just easier to allow the tech to find out for themselves..... she struggles, tries to push the tube in with saline and then finally calls it... she has to remove it and try another vein but not without apologizing profusely.  She finds another vein, selects the smallest gauge needle she can use and has success but not without blood beginning to run out of the tube and on to the hospital gown.  "This never happens".... she is perplexed and I just calmly tell her its OK..... after letting her know that I was in my happy place at the beach. She continues to apologize as she wipes up the blood .... so I do what I know will help out the situation - I give her a hug.  She thanks me for making her feel better and then leads me to the scan.  I note that the waiting room is getting busy at 9 am due to a trauma being brought in to the other suite.  The preliminary scan is done and then the i.V is hooked up and the contrast courses through my veins giving a very warm sensation and a need to pee.  "Hold your breath" drones an electronic male voice as the table I am laying on pulls me into the 'donut' that contains the scanner and then moves slowly back to its start position as I continue to hold my breath.  You have to hold your breath to keep the liver from moving as the scanner scans it.  A few scans later and another tech comes in to help me while the first one prepares for the next patient... She tells me to have a good day as I move out of the automatic doors.  The man in the wheelchair from the waiting room rolls into the suite - he is missing half of his left leg and a number of the ends of his fingers at the first joint.  His right leg is wrapped except for the toes sticking out that look grotesque... It is likely this is someone who has diabetes.  It reminds me of how fortunate I am despite the cancer.

Elaine and I head out of the hospital and I take her out to Angel's for breakfast.  We both enjoyed our meal and were fortunate to speak to the owner about my illness... I have known her since I used to go there for breakfast with the survivor group I paddled with in 2010.... we discussed, of all things, symbols of our passed loved ones.  Butterflies, dimes, pennies found and more.... and also our thoughts on our lives and its meanings... I will leave this private as it reflects thoughts from others whom I do not have permission to share.  We hug and as she moves off, she calls over her shoulder... see me next time you are in for breakfast.  I will head there after my appointment next week with the oncologist.  It will be a time for Max and I to talk about what our next steps are depending on what we are told.  Elaine and I head back to the house and we meander through my garden.  She will take a carrot home with her and as she puts it in the car, she finds a penny on the ground.... another symbol. Hugs and love... thank you for being here for me today. 

By noon, I am feeling very tired and head upstairs for a nap which lasts 3 hours.  Today my bowel is bothering me and I am bloating.  I am not able to go anywhere and choose to just blog and snack on the couch.  The dark chocolate I am sucking on finally settles the stomach.  The fatigue of not having a good sleep because of the dog.... the worry of the CT and a late afternoon nap all added up to a quiet evening.

My lovely daughter starts texting me through FB this evening.... oh how I miss her.  She will be back soon and I hope she is enjoying her time away.  We have a few more days apart which we will both make the most of.  

Thursday brings a road trip with my crazy gal pal Kirsten, whom I absolutely adore!!!  I am not feeling well as we start out the trip.... my gut has been upset now for days and I am just trying to stay the course.  Miss Regan, her daughter joins us on our trip as we head towards Sarnia.  We chat about the funny quirks and sayings I say.... just sayin'..... and note that for the second trip in as many weeks along the 402 that the wind turbines are not moving... OK 1 in about 40 are turning.  It's a beautiful summer day with a breeze as we get closer to the ferry and the trip across the river to the cottage.  Pat is grinning from ear to ear as we approach the dock.  A few minutes later we jump up to the dock and help the elderly couple on the boat with their groceries.  Despite the strong breeze along the river, it is a warm day with clouds building in the bright blue sky.  

We arrive at the cottage along a path.  It is amongst the trees that cast a cooling shadow from a canopy of ancient trees well above the second story roof.  The cottage is reflective of what it looked like in the 50's..... stepping back into a different era.  We drop off our bags and head out to walk the the island before lunch.  We are a mere 100 yards down our chosen path when I see a profile I easily recognize.... I am not a hollywood fan, I do not care much for the glitz and shallowness of famous people.... but Chris Hadfield is not like anyone out of Hollywood.  He is an incredible adventurer as an Astronaut and Pilot and a rare man of multi-talents who is humble and engaging in a soft spoken manner.  Last summer, Max was able to water ski with the family but I had to stay back because I was on chemo.  Pat, his sister and one of a few of my best friends walks us over to meet him.  I introduce myself and play with the pug who has accompanied him.  I do not like to intrude but ask him for a photo and he obliges us as he guides us up his boat dock.  We pick up the puppies to get our photos taken.  Wow.  Thank you so much!!  Pat tells me that he was not supposed to be at the cottage until later in the week and for some reason, I'll call it a wish... he was there for only a few hours before heading back out.  Later we had a fabulous lunch and headed for another walk around the island in the opposite direction.  There is something about being at a cottage.  Thank you Pat for inviting us. xoxo

Here is Chris Hadfield and myself on the dock.

 

Me, Kirsten and Pat!!  My awesome bestie gal pals.  Love you girls!!!

Friday I head out to help out a friend with her garden.....only I pulled on some vines wrapped in the trees ahead and the pain in my side came as a warning too late.... I would spend the remainder of the day in spasms and pain.... and into the night of sheer agony.  It felt like my belly was on fire and the bloating extended the abdomen while the sharper pain radiated into the liver and through the kidney.  I couldn't get comfortable and ended up in the kitchen leaning into the counter and jogging my feet in place... much like I did while in labour with my children.  Deep belly breathing..... calming down slowly.  The tears dried up.  More tums and two glasses of warm boiled water and continual visits to the washroom finally helped to relieve the pain enough to sit upright in bed and fall asleep.... at around 3:45am.  I call it my night in hell.... alone for the exception of the pets who just watched me move from room to room clutching my side and expanding belly.  I am not easily frightened....this was one of those moments where I can honestly say I was terrified...

Saturday has started slowly with puttering to clean up the house.  Mitchel has texted to tell me they are on their way home.  They should be home by dinner.  I am just finishing up the laundry and cleaning up while blogging.  I am still really tired but OK.  So this was my week by myself.  

WELLSPRING - is a free support service for cancer patients and their supporters.  Yoga, Art Therapy and many other services to give women and men an opportunity to connect with others and take time out for themselves.  

.... the online commentary game....

This week I noticed an article on Business Week with regards to Monsanto.... you know, the makers of DDT, PCB's and who are now creating GMO seeds....

..... so, I learned a lot about online commenting.  There are those who are called Trolls or Shills... people whose soul purpose is to create controvery on online forums while sometimes getting paid to do so.  They quote articles they have sourced online to back up their points, they often times use sarcasm and 'humour' to rile up anyone who would challenge them.....

....... so, I riled a few of them.... I wanted to know what exactly they were all about and I had some interesting responses.

Michael - with enough banter I was able to discern this young man as being a bored high school student who thought it was hysterically funny to throw out casual insults throughout the internet on various topics from vaccinations to Monsanto.  When he was flailing in his arguments, I simply cast the net and used his own tactics against him.... he was not amused and when I finally nailed him with re-posts of his from many of the sites he had been on... his only retort was that I had no sense of humour.  According to what I could learn of him through my research... his parents immigrated to the States.  So this is how he shows respect to the adoptive country he now calls home and to the people whom live in it??  This is the better life his parents wanted for him??

Rob - This individual is intelligent and I got the feeling that there was something within his posts that were sensitive, almost defensive..... with poking, I learned that he came from a poor farming past and that his distinct belief and trust in advancing GMO technology was what was fueling his posts... he thought I wanted to live in the past where all farming continued in the old ways and back to a very difficult existence.... he couldn't have been more wrong.  I am anti-Monsanto, not advancing technologies unless of course they continue to splice animal/insect DNA into our food and then I have an issue with that.  He spent more time throwing websites, quotes and opinions at me to support his beliefs.... and in one site, when it appeared he was losing an argument he replied that he was at least getting paid $1 per post by Monsanto.  Whether he is or he is not... the internet is not forgiving according to the fellow he complained openly to about me pointing this out..... we ended our debate amicably and respectably.  I have learned much from this individual about presenting an argument and debating it.... and also learning to think twice before posting once.  

Hyper____ - this guy is interesting and I get the sense that he is very intelligent, blended with an open mind but firm in his convictions.... he is also sensitive.  It took insults and poking to get to the real deal with him - I needed to know where exactly he stood in his beliefs with respect to GMO's and Monsanto without the constant barrage of quotes and condescending remarks.  It turns out he lost a sister to cancer recently and this revelation took us in a different direction immediately.  I apologized for poking him and gave my deepest condolences.....but I truly needed to understand his strong rebuttles against those of us who were anti-Monsanto.  He doesn't support Monsanto but supports GMO in order to simplify farming and create a better environment - that I understand.  We were able to communicate a few more times... and this time with respect and kindness towards each other.... perhaps one day we will banter on another forum.

Elizabeth..... sweet, young and naive.... thinking that big companies were making developments for the soul purpose of advancing and bettering our society.  She makes statements that are not well researched and based on her own limited knowledge.... she makes up the majority of people posting on these sites.... She states what her credentials are but they don't necessarily match what is stated on her profile.... it's a defense mechanism used to tell me she has more knowledge than she does.  When pressed, she calls me nasty.... I tell her to firm up her point of view.... later, she changes her name to protect her identity.  It has taught me to carefully research before posting... Elizabeth/Jane has learned that lesson the hard way.

Chris - a random disrespectful comment "people get cancer and die..... and that is that"  I carefully considered his statement after another one he posted where he calls me a few choice names.... I respond after researching his insecure FB account with "Naval Rescue Swimmers drown.... and that is that.  This lesson above all I think was the most important one....if you post ignorant name-calling posts, make sure you set your security settings on FB so people cannot just obtain your information and use it..... and really, don't post anything you wouldn't want your military boss to read when you are slamming civilians on an open forum without merit or respect.

The site Disqus, of which I am now a member of, does not allow you to retract statements published... and, as Rob discovered, things said in a heated retort can have an unexpected backlash.  There are many people with opinions that attack and demoralize others and it is really easy to get caught up in the melee.  Some are looking for approval in how many 'upvotes' they get with random snipe attacks on the unsuspecting as Michael and Chris does....they just look for reactions to start an argument.  There are those that likely get paid to post and often encourage through prodding to continue the conversation until either or both of you look incredibly stupid.  There are those, like myself, who will apologize for being inappropriate and continue the debate respectfully, using my own name (means I have to own what I say) and will stand my ground when attacked from behind. 

It is truly an art to communicate on any of these forums... remember.... 

1. State  your opinion - back it up if need be with published accreditied reports, keep it simple and to the point.

2. Generalized statements will always get you into trouble.  Only speak of things you know or have experienced first hand.  My brother's Uncle's best friend's wife........NO!!

3. Do not respond to reply posts that are insulting unless you want to battle it out... from an outsider's point of view... you both look moronic if you lower yourself  to their level (which is easily done).  

4.  Ask for clarification - if you do not understand a response to a post you made or others, feel free to ask for more detail.  Be polite and they will in turn be polite back.

5.  Know your opponent - scan other posts, how many posts and how they treat others online.  Often if they are really antagonistic, it is best to just post a link without opinion.

6.  Your opinion is Public!!! Once you put your opinion out there... you often can only edit it at best.  Make sure you do not respond emotionally and if you do.... read it twice before posting.

7.  You are likely not an expert - so don't give yourself more 'credentials' than what you have.  Elizabeth claimed she was a historian...but with a little research, she is a librarian who likes to read history... a buff and a Historian are clearly not one and the same.  As she quickly found out...she lost respect and credibility.

8.  The internet does not have all the answers... and yet, link after link is posted and some are heatedly disputed.  Make sure you have links to Scholarly papers that have merit and read the entire thing... because your opponents will to disprove the paper you have wasted their time referring them to.

9.  Set your limits - an article with opinion streams lasts only a few days.... like a conversation, it has a beginning, middle and end.  State your opinion, back it up and let others add to the conversation.

10.  It's not personal unless you want it to be - it is a conversation with strangers, so if someone says something and someone else adds to it in a derogatory manner, you can choose to respond with the same ammunition or choose to learn how to difuse the situation with maturity.... really hard to do but great practice.  You can also choose to re read what you wrote to see if it was misinterpreted or you were being antagonistic.  Prodding and pushing buttons can sometimes bring surprising responses as it did in my case and using the situation to take the positives.  

11.  Thank your opponent - often we learn from every interaction we involve ourselves in either good or bad.... if the conversation was terse and both opponents were heated, thank them for their enthusiasm and strong beliefs... they will appreciate knowing that it really was argued with good intentions.  Two antagonists I battled with online I now follow and ending the conversation with compliments and best wishes really made it enjoyable.

12.  If this puts you in a bad mood.... because they do not see your point of view.... then this is not for you.  Move on and find something else to do.

13.  Your sense of humour - may not convey well online and may well get you into hot water.  

14.  Clean up your act and act accordingly - Remember what you put out on the internet stays on the internet and becomes public property.  Any boss or prospective employee can find out what kind of person you are simply by looking for your comments on public forums. 

15.  Do you really know who you are chatting with? - we warn our children all the time about online strangers and yet we go online and make friends, combat on forums and share personal information... which later could come back and haunt you.  Keep to the topic... unless you feel it is absolutely necessary.  My cancer journey is public and I share some minor details if the disussion warrents it.  Most people respond well if they understand you come from a good place...its all in how you express yourself and since you do not know who you are speaking with... be respectful.  

For the uninitiated, it is a great way to learn communication skills and to make your voice heard.  With some people, I will just post a link with no comments to avoid any antagonistic and personal responses... remind yourself that while your friends and family love your sarcastic sense of humour... tend to one... it doesn't translate well to someone who doesn't know your twisted sense of humour.  I enjoyed my first real foray into online discussions... I might have a few bruises but I also have learned so much doing so!!