peace and quiet....

....rein in my life since I walked away from the drama of the past few months. My blood pressure is back to normal and I am really beginning to enjoy each day as it comes..... This is week one of putting Dad to bed at night in his long-term care home. He only needs gentle prompting to accomplish his daily cleaning ritual. If left alone on his own, he will not remember to brush his teeth or to wash himself properly, if at all. He is always up for some laughs and I love his sense of humor. Some days he is more lucid than others and I am now able to tell when he has been given his meds....he tends to have a faraway look in his crystal blue eyes so that they almost look hazy themselves. I am gentle and soft spoken with him at bedtime just as I was for my own children. I will ask Lydia tomorrow to see if she has a bigger stuffed animal that Dad can have to cuddle with at bedtime. He loves to hold hands and especially at bed time. He gently rubs my fingers between his as his eyelids droop, and just as a child, they pop open long enough for him to share another thought and then droop deeper as sleep takes him over. The foot and hand massage have worked their magic as his chest rises slower and deeper. I kiss his forehead and tell him that I love him. Good night Dad, sleep well. He is so tired after the birthday celebration earlier at my house. Mom has turned 79. Mom has had a whirlwind of a day on her special day. It started out at the chiropractor, then to the nail salon for a manicure/pedicure and finally a Chinese food dinner hosted at my house complete with a slice of ice-cream cake. I took out a few minutes in the evening to check out the new room she is moving into. It is a studio apartment with enough room we hope to accommodate most of her stuff. We will have to be creative when putting it together so that it does not look congested. I am making a scaled chart of her room and after measuring all the pieces of her furniture, should be able to come up with a gameplay for the movers tomorrow morning. Thank you to Sarah today for bringing a card and gift to celebrate Mom's and my birthdays. She is always so incredibly thoughtful and loving. Payton is her adorable daughter whose quick grin and curiosity are always a source of joy and entertainment. We are blessed to have such incredible people in our world. I love you so much!!! ....yes, life is back to it's casual easy flow without the drama. I am loving the new team with such an amazing coach!! He is respectful of all the members and has the patience of a saint. I would likely paddle to hell and back for this quietly confident but humble leader. His agenda is simple - enjoy the sport and each other. I respect a coach whose agenda is not self-serving or controlling. Speaking of controlling - there is something very liberating about un-friending someone who causes you so much grief and anxiety. I have taken back my power and will not be so careless about giving it away any time soon or ever at all. I am enjoying my family here without the interfering nonsense of someone who spends her life finding fault with everyone around her and justifying her behavior. The psychiatrists call it aggressive manipulation with a twist of narcissism. I call it annoying and unwelcome. Either way, my life is great and I am much happier without the constant harrassment. Max sold his bike and was completely miserable. He wanted to help pay off his loans but I could see what it meant to him to have the one toy he had always wanted. Yes Max, your wife loves you and despite the fact that I always worry about you, your happiness is so much more important. Yesterday evening when I came home, I couldn't wait to have you show off your new bike. It really is a beaut!! It is so great seeing you smile ear to ear again!!! Enjoy your toy!!

.....moving forward...

Max and I have waited anxiously for today to come. After being seen by an ears, nose and throat specialist, it appears that for the past 45 years, he has had a disfigured nasal passage which has caused endless infections, pain and of course since my own cancer diagnosis....a deep seated fear of cancer. We always fear what we do not know and often when we face our fears, they are usually not as bad as we imagine them to be. We are both thrilled at the outcome. His surgery will take place in the late fall.

Today I took Mom to our Chiropractic appointment. We went shopping and a quick lunch....where did the time go? I found a beautiful dress and almost cried when I put it on and caught my reflection in the mirror. Mom came to the fitting room and commented on how beautiful I looked in it. I will forever savor these moments spent with my Mom. I am truly grateful that she and my Dad are here close by. Life is totally amazing!!! I actually have decided that I love shopping and that we both have the same taste in clothing. There have been a number of times when Mom and I just find ourselves giggling like teenagers trying on rings. We find ourselves in the right place at the right time for chance meetings with my friends or fantastic sales. My friends all hug her when they meet her and share stories about why they like me.....usually the ones about my zaninessl!!! My daughter and I are developing a closer bond. She loves to have coffee with me and lately, we have been spending our time together coloring, reading, chatting or just hanging out. It doesn't get much better than this!!

This summer we are planning a train trip with the kids. Nothing is firm yet but we all need to just get away and play. I will be doing some scheduled care for my Dad in hopes that he wil fall into a predictable pattern. I have a care kit that I have at the ready for evening visits. We had to purchase a shaver for him and tomorrow we will find a hamper. Sending out the love.

Changes

.....what a whirlwind couple of months..... i am up before the crack of dawn because I cannot sleep. The head does not know when to shut down. I wake knowing what has been making me feel so out of sorts... I am a young girl, probably my daughter's age now and I can feel a tightness in my chest like someone is sitting on it...an older sibling looks at me with mean eyes as her hands clench my hair in fist fulls. She is always angry at me for one thing or another. I can't remember why she is inches from my face but I do know that her temper warns me that she is to be feared. I have feared her my entire life and find myself guarded and defensive around her... only I am not 9 anymore. I am now 48, raising my own children and caring for two parents.... my chest feels that same heaviness, only she is not physically sitting on my chest anymore. Her tactics have not changed in 4 decades and my responses to the antagonism have not either... until now. Many things have changed over the years including how I feel about myself. My reactions were automatic from years of rehearsal....isn't that how we are when we are thrown back into a situation that creates stress in our lives? It has been 33 years since I have lived under the same roof and many things have changed in my life. I have grown to be respected in my field, raised children, fought cancer and now opened my life and my heart to the very parents who raised my siblings and I? What is it about the dynamics of our growing years that reduce us to children the moment that the first button is pressed? Why does all common sense get thrown out the window and emotions take over.... not an easy answer.... I just know that the tit-for-tat is wreaking havoc and I want it to simply cease. There are still those unresolved issues that will never see resolution. I understand that the issues I have had my entire life rest in those days of feeling no control.... the knee in the chest and unable to get up and away from that face contorted in anger screaming at me. I take in a deep breath and another one... that was then and this is now. i have control over my own life and I make the decisions that are in the best interest of my family. My husband is quick to point out all my good points before letting me know how disappointed he is in what has transpired over the past few weeks. I am sure my brother would be happy to discuss the finer points of being caught in the middle of two little girls just trying to have their sides heard.... only neither one goes away satisfied and the dance begins again with the next button pressed. I have had enough of this dance!! I do not need to prove myself or seek out acceptance from her anymore. I did not get it then, and I will not get it now....the little girl is no longer helpless and pinned to the floor... she gets up, brushes herself off and moves on with the grace of 33 years of personal growth. I know that I must always be mindful that I avoid button pushing by just being myself and not automatically reacting to someone who can no longer hurt me anymore unless I choose to let her.

....... about a dozen drafts later.....

.... and I finally sit down to write the final copy.  These past few months have been stressful and wonderful.  A time for reflection and a time to search the soul for a new direction.

I have been sorting out my Dad's stuff and making sure they get down to laundry to get marked.  I find a few things that belong to another resident jammed into the haphazardly arranged closet.  I check names and make sure the worker in the hallway receives the items, one of which is the clipboard belonging to the programs department.  I chuckle when I find the twisted hanger my father used for a belt the one day he needed to keep his pants up.  Some days he uses his ties or whatever seems to be at hand.  All in all though, he is starting to cozy in to his room where his belongings from home now reside.  I know I can find the TV remote in his dresser or tidied into a sock in the nightstand.  One day while putting his underwear back in the drawer, I tripped across a pair of ladies shoes tucked neatly under the baseboard heater.  I handed them to Dad to give him a mission of finding the owner while the maintenance worker helped to mount his new TV.  He came back in a few minutes later and announced that they actually fit... or at least would have, if,  he claimed - his toes weren't so uncooperative.  Looking down, I duly noted the sandals on his feet were a few sizes too small and his stocking toes did indeed exceed the ends of the shoes.  We both laughed like idiots!!!   A while later a disgruntled man promptly held out my Dad's sweater at arm's length and announced that the item was found on HIS wife's bed.  He didn't wait for the thank you as he stormed out with a disgusted look on his face..... I often catch him eying my father suspiciously and with distain.

I was always my Dad's buddy.  No matter what he was doing, when he was home, I was not far behind.  He slammed the hood on my fingers one day when I was 4 after we finished working on his 1970 Chevy Impala.  That day became the day my father introduced me to his secret stash of dark chocolate.  I realize now that this stash was like gold to a minor...  but keeping him out of the dog house with Mom seemed to be more important.  It would be our little secret.  I would receive the special treat a few more times before my teens came along.  Once for the head that opened up when a swing hit it - I believe my Dad had a whole lot more treats than me, and judging from the shock of the incident, he seemed to need it more than me.  It is me that now brings the treats and for no apparent reason other than I love my Dad.

I had my Dad at the coffee shop yesterday and I realized as I watched him wolf down a cookie the size of his plate, that the only thing that really mattered was how I really felt about him.  He always wanted recognition for the work he did and for the kind of person he was.  He was always fun and full of spunk and according to him - quite the chatterbox..... thanks for the flat ass and the constant chattering Dad... I digress...
I looked into his crystal blue eyes that often have that far away look and realized that he enjoyed his life's journey when he could laugh, chat and just be himself.  It is the journey in life and not the destination.  All his awards and diplomas hang on the wall - just paper reminders of the goals he set and achieved.  All things that helped shape who he had become and who is he quickly leaving in his memory.  He is a simple reflection now of a complicated and intelligent man.  He has no more friends, but makes friends easily.  He loves his privacy but is afraid to be alone.  He loves peace and quiet but the noise in the hall reminds him that he is still here. He never really seemed to belong anywhere but yet, everywhere and now that he has much in common with the other residents.... he is still apart and individual from them.

I am so much like my Dad.  Even our hands are identical in shape, look and size.  He doesn't chew his fingers and I don't have crooked tips... but you can tell I am his daughter.  He would often point out the wrongs in our world and in his mid-life, often fought to correct them.  He abhorred politics and the games people played on each other - he was always honest and candid.... again, thanks Dad.

Today is family day and we celebrated by spending time with each other.  Next weekend, I am driving out to my Mother's house and will spend about 4 or 5 days there while we complete packing her things.  My job is to bring back her pets - 2 cats and 1 dog.  She will be putting Titan down next week and Lady will come to live with us.  We pray that the dog fits into our household.  It would be good to bring her out to visit my Dad and my Mom.

The new training season is upon us.  I am looking forward to being back on the lake and competing once again... this time, it won't be just the gold in mind but the journey that takes us to that goal.  I am bringing on a different mindset this season after a few bumps last year.  I was too excited to be involved in such a dynamic environment that I forgot to breathe and just take it all in bit by bit.  Gratefully there were those that understood and loved me for it anyway.  I am blessed for the few friends that I can trust and confide in.  I just had to learn what I wanted and what I would like to have happen this year.  Last week I killed my back and sent it into spasm after the Wednesday work-out.  My blood pressure hit the roof and the pain was enough to send me off to the Doctor's office.  We are now just awaiting blood test results.  She remarked as to how pale I was and instructed me to take it easy for a bit.  After a few days on Aleve, I am feeling much better - hard to admit that I am not superwoman.  I am hoping that the Doctor will tell me that I am low on iron and that I need to be careful not to work out too hard.  I am taking a week off to see my Mom and to catch my breath!!!

.... the first month

.... it has been a month since Dad has moved here to London.  Yesterday was an off day for him.... he was remembering things that happened when he was a very young boy.  His memories are flashing in an out of his mind these days.  The years peel away for seconds and then abruptly cover the secrets once again.  Like the waves on the shore erase the footprints that crossed moments before only to uncover fossils of a millennium in the next roll.

I am trying to piece together his fragmented past and have run into numerous roadblocks.  The response from an email I sent to his old boarding school came back with more questions than it answered.  They have never heard of Tim or his parents... the headmaster that my Dad lived with while attending boarding school.  OK, I will just keep trying.  He has memories of his father tucking him under his arm and running with him.  He thinks it was when the Hong Kong war broke out when he was a child.  His father was taken into a concentration camp by the Japanese when they invaded Hong Kong at Christmas 1941.  Dad, his sister and mother fled to Australia leaving George Stopani-Thomson behind to live his final days out as a prisoner of war.  He would be killed on January 16th 1946 after the Americans bombed the concentration camp.  They claim that there were battlements in the camp.  My grandfather was 41 years old and is buried in a common grave whom he shares with a number of other 'residents' who were killed with him.

My father is haunted by images of what he perceived to have happened in his youth.  He thinks his mother may have sold favors to gentlemen to put him through school overseas.  Children's perceptions and adult understandings can leave many gaps in what really happened and what was imagined.  I can often see his arrogance peep into conversations.  He thinks he has an I.Q of 5,000..... I think he was always passed over for recognition of things he accomplished because he was not often seen as popular.  Those who were, were often given the credit he should have had.  This created a lot of bitterness and unsatisfied outcomes in his life.  He spent a youth filled with being an outcast.  He was mischievous and had a great sense of humor and fun.  What he lacked was the ability to see that trying harder rarely panned out in a positive way and he would only end up more frustrated than ever.  He never understood that being popular and well-received was the unfairness that so many of us find so frustrating.   He chose to not play in the main stream 'politics' and instead felt he was above all of that.  He felt he could see things that others could not and associated that with a higher intelligence.  He didn't realize that there are those that would try to fit in at all costs and it didn't take intelligence to see that those who were popular were treated with reverence.  He knew that life was not fair and couldn't grasp how it just couldn't be by challenging the establishment in many facets from our taxation system to other such unfair practices.  It made him angry that people were getting away with things and he was held to answer for any little infraction.  From one career to another, he could never seem to get the accolades he felt he so richly deserved.  Perhaps, I have said to him, that like myself, you are just a catalyst - a maker of ideas that someone else is supposed to carry out?  Who knows?

Life is good for me.  I am learning as an adult too that life is rarely balanced or fair.  This year, I am making promises to myself that will bring joy and satisfaction on a level that I can live with.  I have already begun the housekeeping portion of removing myself from activities that cause me emotional angst.  The recent admission of a woman that she encouraged someone to tell me off at a summer event and apologized to me months later that it was her fault.  A woman who told me that she wanted to hang in other circles prior to getting into an argument with me and then playing the wounded victim while being incorporated into the inner circle she wanted to be included in.  The woman who spent months picking on me and being disrespectful to my family members, plays the wounded victim when I finally call her on her behavior.  I pack up my emotions, wear a thicker skin, and keep going.  I have some truly remarkable friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin and who have supported and believed in me.  They have given me a gift this year that I will always treasure and I will always honor what we have.   The New Year has many great surprises in store.  Today Mitch and I are taking my Dad out for coffee.

.... my daughter pays a visit....

..... it is Sunday (yesterday) and I want to bring Lydia with me.  It has been a stressful weekend and I need to spend time with her.  She tags along and walks beside me as we search for my Dad.  It is only 11:30 but he has gone back to bed and is trying to take a nap.  He says he is tired of waiting for lunch.  I note all the other residents have seated themselves and are also waiting to each lunch.  It will be an hour before they place the first bowl of soup in front of them.  We wait outside of Dad's room while he puts on his pants.  He calls to us through the door that he is putting on his shoes.  Lydia is quick to bend over and tie his shoes.  Dad grins and tousles her hair.

Today Dad recognizes her and smiles into her upturned face.  She will take him by the hand and lead him down the hallway, past the waiting residents and along to the sunroom at the end of the hall.  Dad stops along the way and looks at the pictures hung on each wall.  He tells me that they are pictures of Tim and him and points to them.... he is far away and pulling at long ago memories.  I nod and agree and we move along to the sunroom.  Lydia wants to engage in play and goes to the games shelves back down the hall while I move a chair into place near the glass topped table.  Lydia has found some primary puzzles.  Within a few minutes, she informs Grandpa that he sucks at puzzles and informs him that it is now time to play Bingo.  Bob the Banker shuffles in with a grin and waits for us to say hello before he sinks into a chair opposite me.  Lydia gives Bob a card and deals out one to Dad and myself and proceeds to spin the ball.  I am now looking at everyone's cards.  A few minutes later, it is lunchtime.

Bob is off and racing down the hall as fast as one can when you shuffle.  Dad is being pulled along behind Miss Lydia and I take up the rear with a hand full of game pieces.  We sit with the residents who love the attention and chat with Lydia.  Donna is sweet but today she is off and wants to run away.  I give her a big hug and smile as I steer her back to her seat.  Marie is dripping soup into her lap and Joyce is her sharp witted self... which lasts a minute before she pipes up with a hi.... and followed by a 'I know who you are'!!  She is distracted by lunch and the room is quiet.  Marie doesn't want to eat today and is asking for my help.  She has forgotten to put her napkin on her lap and is dripping most of her soup in her lap.  She often walks around wearing sweaters that advertise boldly what her plate held the meal before.

These are the golden years????  Lydia is sweet with her Grandpa and the other residents and lets me know that she thinks the ladies are all so pretty.  She is right.  We kiss and hug my Dad, say bye to the other residents and then we are off to shop for Daddy's birthday gift.  Lydia loves to shop and who can blame her!!

Happy Birthday Max,
I love you now and always.

..... taking down a wish list....

..... tonight I popped in to see Dad on my way home from a long day at work.  It is getting cooler and the snap in the air is accompanied by the rain as I jump between puddles on my way tthrough the parking lot.  It is a typical late fall evening - dark, damp and windy.  I enter the home and make my way through the secured entrance.  Dad is standing in the middle of the dinning room just peering around.  The caregiver lets him know that he has a visitor.  'Ah Hello!'  He cracks a great big grin as he spins to face me and grabs me for a hug when I get closer.  He is so happy to see me, and I, him.  He has great color in his face tonight.  The gray in his face is fleeting now as he gains strength with each passing day.  He is moving better but still hunched over.  He will later tell me that his crooked pinkie finger on the right hand was broken by some bloke and he is still pissed about it.  A quick re-direct in a positive direction has us talking about art.  I ask him about the beautiful marble Greek Statues.  He loves Art and quickly falls into an easy candor with me.

Soon the distant glance and a chewed lip as he let's me in on his secret mission.  He needs a pad of paper and a good pen to write out his notes and I promise to bring him his requested items along with a brief to hold them in.  He describes the expensive waterway locks that are built just outside his window with their pristine white concrete walls.  I am sure he can smell the occasional ocean breezes of his youth as the experiences of a lifetime have slipped through the passage of time and blended with the present.  The wooden fence mere steps away has the look of driftwood on the 'shore' that runs along side the building.  He is here as an agent and I am sworn to secrecy.  No worries, as far as anyone knows Dad, you are here on some R&R and as long as the bill is footed, just sit back and take it all in.  He likes it here and finds serenity.... except for those darn people that he keeps finding in his room.  I tell him to just let them know that they can leave when you arrive, after all Dad, it is your room.  Be nice though, they might not realize that it is your room and be polite but firm when you ask them to move along.  Perhaps he is seeing the 'other side'.... I hope he is wrong when he abruptly declares that he won't be around for much longer.

A frail woman behind us is experiencing chest pains and has begun to panic in a high pitched tone.  I can hear the calmness of the caregiver as she administers what I believe to be nitro.  She is guided to a seat where she sits wide eyed and scared.... within a minute, she has forgotten the issue entirely and gets up to move on to wherever she was headed before being rudely interrupted.  Marie is really off her game this evening.  She is always drawn to me and will follow me around.  She takes solace in the hugs and smiles I offer her and then she too is shuffling off with her vacant stare.  Tonight she will be asked to fold laundry to keep her focused.  My Dad is tiring out and I need to head home for a meal. I have been gone since 7 am and it is now 7:15 pm.  I give my Dad a hug and a kiss and guide him next to Marie to help fold the napkins in the bottom of the basket now offered by the caregiver.  He is thrilled to help and meticulously folds the first one as I wave bye.  He calls to me that he loves me.  Love you too Dad, I offer back over my shoulder.  I am so glad you are here with me Dad.... and I know he is happy to be with us here.

Time to head up to bed... exhausted but happy.  Life is good.
M