...... round 6 week 2

.... a week that has begun with fatigue and a chronic lack of sleep....

Thursday 18th February

Today I am seriously tired and pull myself out of bed to take a shower. I can hear the radio as I towel off and realize that the news of a halt to the nurses layoff might mitigate some phone calls with requests for more interviews, and within minutes, the phone rings and the first request is for one live to happen just after 9 with Derek. I know Derek and try to answer his pointed questions with a foggy brain... I get off the phone and pray I didn't come across as some babbling idiot!! The phone rings within minutes of hanging up and Shauna wants to do a follow-up from the show we did the other day..... I really want to - more like need to go to Wellspring to get in a session of Yoga in but her show starts at the same time. No worries, I agree to do the interview on my cell from Wellspring.... there is a quiet nook at the back of the facility and I fight off the urge to lay down on the soft couch. Yoga is so good for the soul and my spirits are lifted by the hugs Valerie offers as I join the group in session. I stay for tea afterwards and the girls are so fun to talk to. They have copied down the link to the petition and promise to sign it..... the numbers are now 2472 and climbing by the minute!!!! This is just day 4.

I arrive home after grabbing a quick bite from McDonald's (I know - bad, bad .... super bad) to find a message on the answering machine. Derek wants to do a follow up interview with the announcement that the layoffs have been suspended with hopes that alternatives can be found. Do I think I was manipulated? I think the announcements were made so close to the Olympic fever and the Family Day holiday weekend that I think that would have been a terrible risk. The fact that it was started by a cancer patient.... who knows.... sometimes it doesn't really matter how things got started, the fact that they are and that people are becoming aware and are contributing are important.

The outcome is essentially what I am looking for - to make common sense cuts to a system that needs to be audited by an accredited and uninvolved third party. The people who have mismanaged funds need to be held accountable and positions need to be eliminated that generate no value to the patients health/healthcare.

The afternoon nap is elusive again today. It is a small price to pay. This afternoon, I will be taking my children to Art Therapy....... all three could use some time with Wanda and I could use a nap..... falling asleep in a wingback is not the most comfortable but the rest helped.

Monday 22 February 2010

Happy Birthday Ameeta!! Sending love and hugs your way. I am feeling like I got hit by a truck. The past few days have come with the worst head spins I have ever had unless you count the times in the far past that I have suffered from Vertigo. I would say that having head spins while attempting to roll over and get comfortable is just downright panicky. Max went to the drug store last night and picked up a standing prescription for a very powerful antibiotic. I am sure that the bowel infection is back.... the blood would be a good indicator that things are not well. I have tried eating as much high protein foods as possible to build up the red blood cells which are also low.... the belly bloat is still there but not nearly as uncomfortable. I am now drinking 4 Litres of water a day and an 8oz glass of prune juice each day. Today is day 13 in the cycle ..... grateful this is the last one.

I have been interviewed by a UWO student and sent him off some pictures to be included in his article.... I was incredibly tired this morning and found myself being overly chatty.... I tried to lay down in the afternoon but no success.... not sure how much sleep I got last night but it wasn't much in between head spins and sweats. I enjoy watching the olympic curling so much... I used to curl when I lived up north and did well in competitions... I will have to look into pursuing that next year when I have cleared my schedule. Tonight is ice skating pairs... magic.

Max is busy marking projects tonight and I am doing research. I am a guest on a debate panel with regards to the hospital petition that I started and those that are the decision makers....

Tuesday 23 February

Still not feeling well... sweating like mad and still getting the horrible head spins when laying down and just turning my head.... yikes.

I did go to Art today and enjoyed chatting with the girls. One of them works for a local paper which had printed my letter to the editor to get the word out and the link for the petition. The petition numbers are now over 5,000 and growing and the one facebook group is at the 5,500 mark.

Andrea called in the morning to see if we could do lunch but I was unable to as I had a meeting after the Art class.... so she made an extra special trip on her way back from getting her working Visa for the states to see me later in the afternoon. You look great girl and I am so proud of you for following your dream and being true to yourself. I love you and I will miss you sooooooo much!! xoxo

Thursday 24th February

I need to go downtown to attend a board meeting and drive around downtown looking for a parking space and realize that I have no money to feed the meters so I drive down to the William's coffee shop looking for an open meter with time still left but there are only two spaces and I pull into the closest one thinking that I will just have to incur a ticket but lo and behold, the meter I am parked in front of says 'fail'..... if that isn't a sign or what. I head off in the direction of the LHIN offices but instead find myself going into the wrong building and having to walk around two ladies smoking in front of the entrance doors.... I can't breathe and my legs pain me so much. I point out the sign on the door that clearly states 'do not smoke within 30 feet of this entrance'. I manage to cross the street in pain and clearly winded when I hear a F$%#k off from one of the ladies after she manages to cough out a lung..... I also get the finger to go along with the insult. I had a polite retort but she is very brave now as she paces back and forth.... I don't have time for this idiocy and spin around to find the building I am looking for with just minutes to spare...

Today I will find myself at the LHIN offices in my bid to be heard by the board of Directors... so unfortunate that I was unable to - there are procedures for getting heard.... I need to be a delegate and ask to be put on the agenda. I will apply and make plans to return again soon. One thing that really struck me and ticked me off was the one Director (Barrie) came in 10 minutes late and sauntered over to the table.... this after two issues had already been tabled and voted on. Mr. Barrett came over to me to discuss becoming a delegate and gave me his business card. No worries, I will be back. Rogers TV was there in anticipation that I would be heard and so a short interview in the lobby and I make my way home.... I am exhausted after only walking a few blocks.

Friday 25th February

I am off to meet a new gal Kaz who did the photo shoot with me last summer... only our paths crossed quickly. I am going for lunch with her and as we sit and I listen to her cancer journey I realize I am talking to someone who is just as outgoing, candid and fun-loving. We talk for hours and I have promised to come pick her up on Tuesday to go to Art and introduce her to Wellspring.

I am too tired to do anything else and lay back for the remainder of the afternoon. I am not sleeping and that combined with the leg swelling and dizzy spells ...... I am praying this ends soon - I have had enough of feeling crappy.

Saturday 26th February

I am up again all night and have no more tears to give regardless of how frustrated I am with the lack of sleep, muscle ache and overall malaise. I will lay down on the couch to try and get some rest.... and then spend the rest of the day lounging in an achey kind of way.

Sarah comes over in the evening with a box of chocolates which are lovely but will add another layer of chunk to a body that has been steadily gaining weight because of meds and chemo.... looking forward to the gym when this process is over so that I can begin the process of strengthening my body and my mind. I have been fighting off a mild depression for months now off and on and pray that the spring comes soon. Thanks so much for the visit! Love you so much.

London Ontario Hospital Layoffs Petition

London Ontario Hospital Layoffs Petition

.... the final round week 1

..... although the steroids work great to offset any swelling or allergic reaction to the chemicals now swirling through my system again... they will not grant me any sleep. The jaw numbness started up Wednesday afternoon and yesterday progressed into the orbital bones.....

The olympic fever is kicking in to full gear and I am grateful that we were able to finish installing the surround speakers last weekend just in time for me to be laid out on the couch. Sue is hosting the opening ceremonies at her house tonight but I will not be able to attend.... sigh. Mitchel's 13th birthday is coming up on Valentine's Day during the worst of my chemo cycle and I will have to forgo the activities this year. I have promised to make up for it next year with him but for now, Max and the kids and his friend will go bowling and out to supper. I feel like I have missed so much these past months.

Thursday 11 February

It is my brother's birthday today but I am not able to reach him by phone and by the time the evening comes.... I have forgotten to try again...... like so many things these days...

I always check my work emails on my Blackberry throughout the day - my thread of a connection to my outside world besides my addiction to Facebook. Today the tears begin to flow as I read the posting to cover my leave. It has been almost 7 months since I started my sick leave and now that I am on LTD, it only makes sense to cover off the shifts that my coworkers have been struggling to fill for all these months.... I feel bad for all of them and have since I left. I also miss them like crazy... hard not to when you are around them for almost 17 years.

Speaking of facebook.... the group I started with Megan for the cancer nurses support is growing steadily in numbers as the hours roll by. I have emailed every politician I can think of and have added comments to online news articles. I do not have the energy to push farther right now but you can bet that I will not let this drop. We are the ones as taxpayers paying the bills and what is happening at our prestigious hospitals amounts to a bank heist with the patients at the business end of the bullet. At some point in our life's journey, we will all know someone with cancer... and maybe it will be closer to home than some - make your voices heard. OK, enough soap box....

I have lost 1 of 2 loose toenails as a result of footgear that wasn't quite cold enough to hold back the chemo drugs. That is the least of my worries these days as I struggle with my body overheating and feeling frozen with just a split second notification... this would be what the drugs have done to my hormones. I am able to manage my pain well today but still cannot lay comfortably hence the reason why I am blogging in the wee hours of the morning. Max has taken today off and is currently trying to get some sleep ... he is a light sleeper and a patient man - I have spent hours looking for a comfortable spot and have yet to find it.

Friday 12 February

Today I am feeling the effects of the chemo in the form of head and knee pain... the jaw is still numb. The pain in my head sharpens with the cool air if there is no hat on my head... and then the sweats start up.

I am being interviewed today by Derek R. and Admar F. I will be advocating for the cancer patients who need the cancer and breast screening nurses who are being considered for layoffs by April 1st. I am also interviewed by Ryan at Rogers.... without my eyebrows or any make-up... the true face of cancer.

The Olympics have started and as I am laid out on the couch in agony, Miss lydia has decided to stay behind to watch over her Mom while Max and the boys head over to the neighbor's house for an opening ceremonies party.... getting used to missing every event or participating for short times over the big ones!! She is dancing around and we are making Canada flags to wave at the opening ceremonies.... I just want to crawl under a rock....

Saturday 13th February

Today Mitchel will celebrate his 13th birthday with the family and one friend..... minus Mom. I feel like I have just missed out on so much these past 7 months as I crawl back into bed and the tears flow.... the pain I can tolerate, missing my son's birthday - not. They are off to the movies in the morning and then will go to the Palasad for bowling and dinner.

I have a voracious appetite... funny how it is for meat or foods high in protein. I read somewhere that when your red blood levels drop - the additional proteins help to rebuild them faster. I am learning to listen closely to my body and giving it what it needs.

Sunday 14th February Valentine's Day

Happy Birthday Mitchel!!!! Mommy loves you sooooooooo much. I am starting to get emails asking for interviews from the LFP. As much pain as I am in, the two facebook groups of which I am now an administrator has begun to pick up numbers by the minute and with an article being written for print on Tuesday, I carefully pick my words and produce a petition and post it at 9 p.m. I send the link to John Minor of the LFP in hopes that it is included in the article.

Monday 15th February Family Day

Another day in pain.... go figure!! I am experiencing the exact same experiences as the other two chemos. I had forgotten a dose of pain pills yesterday and reminded myself to never do that again!!! Max takes the kids tobogganing today while I lay on the couch watching the Olympics on our 50 in Plasma and surround sound.... it is little solace for missing the day with the family but it comes in a really close second!!! The day is spent in a terrible fog. Max is now sleeping in the spare bed in Mitchel's room because I cannot lay still.

Tuesday 16th February

I am up early because the dog is barking... I get up and grab the paper out of the mailbox and place it on the counter and head upstairs. I have not slept at all and just want to be back in bed. Max wakes me up a few hours later running into our room - I have made the front page of the LFP just above our 1st Gold metal winner Alex Bilodeau. Well how about that!! Then the emails really start pouring in and i give radio interviews one after another - I even get to do the Shauna Rae show at the top of the hour. CBC morning does a phone interview which will be aired tomorrow. I am exhausted and as I look up at the clock, it is now 10:50 am and I shut things down and go to Art today.

Today at Art was so emotional for us and one of our new members who is terminal at such a young age has touched me so deeply that the tears run down my face as I look in his eyes. We talk about the lure of spring and the excitement of its impending arrival... he quietly announces that it will be his last one.... I ask if I can hug him and we wrap our arms around each other. The hugging starts and it is infectious. What a life-inspiring and energetic group. We all know that life can be short as we discuss the young life and shocking end to the Luge racer who died before the opening ceremonies at the age of 21. We do not have any guarantees in life and so we all agree that we should enjoy what we have every day.

I meet up with Susan for lunch and she is wonderful as always and we chat about the morning's events... she can see the exhaustion on my face and I head home soon after we are done lunch to go and lay down. I do not get a chance... it is more phone calls and another interview which will be aired tomorrow. It will also be another night with no sleep. Miss Lydia has crawled in beside me with a stomache ache in the late evening. I have been watching the men's single skate and am surprised that once again we are watching falls and minor errors. Maelle Ricker has won the second Gold in women's snowboard!! What an exciting event as she tore down the hill!!! I am excited for all the competitors as they struggle to achieve their own dreams and I cry like crazy when they fall... so much work boiled down to just one event.... sad.

Wednesday 17th February

I have to crawl out of bed to take Lydia to her eye appointment..... I have not slept again and the headache is massive. I get her to her appointment and are fortunately seen early. He is firm in his belief that the prescription we filled was not necessary - he must see a lot of children who try to 'play' him. Fortunately, I know my children well and I sit there patiently while he issues a running commentary justifying his point of view. I have learned in life that sometimes my opinion really doesn't matter... I just know what I know. He finishes testing her eyes and she pops her glasses on. Just for laughs, he shows her parts of the chart again that she had erred on prior to wearing them - eh voila - she gets each one right and right away. Mom's know best.

I drop into work and drop off the dishes for the supper club and chat with Mandi... say hi to a few more. I pick up and pay for the coffee at Bob on my way out - a fundraiser for Haiti.... I am so tired and head home. There are a few messages on the phone and I return the calls and head over to the couch for some relaxation. My legs, lower back and ribs still hurt... my feet feel disconnected.... tomorrow will be better than today.

..... reactions

..... the other day when I was en route to the college, I decided to circumvent the city by taking the 401. Despite the fact that most days I am inclined to drive my car like it is stolen, today was no exception and noted that I was going 117 km as I came off the on ramp.... the guy behind me thought I was not going fast enough and so rode my bumper. His impatience was obvious as he pulled away then drove up fast enough to intimidate - clearly dangerous behavior as I was passing a semi on my right and signaled politely as I pulled in once I safely cleared it. He zoomed past like he was late for something and I pulled in behind as I came up to the next semi..... he was looking back when I pulled off my hat. I got a double take and had to smirk.... far better than showing any 'sign' of displeasure.... not that I would have given him the finger anyway but took great satisfaction in getting his attention! :)

Ever since I can remember, I never liked being stared at - it always made me feel uncomfortable and singled out.... I would have been easily mistaken for a wall flower in my earlier days... felt like an ugly duckling really with my clumsy feet, my buck teeth and hair that always seemed to be stringy and hung over my eyes regardless of what I did with it. That was during my formative years and although I had my teeth somewhat straightened and my skin maintained a healthy glow through the teen years (sans pimples), the feeling of being on the outskirts never really left me. Today I am outgoing, confident and bald!!! I still do not like being stared at but do not mind as much. I am easy to approach and will start a smile as fast as I will return one given these days and I do not mind if someone asks about my lack of hair. I appreciate the candid conversations that I have with friends and strangers. I am an open book these days. I also do not leave the house without drawing on some eyebrows and putting on make-up... what would have taken me years to finish in the make-up drawer is now being used up. I can put on my face from start to finish in about 7 minutes!!

Sunday 7th February

For the past few days I have noted some swelling in my eyelids and of course the exodus of most of the eyelashes that adorned them just weeks ago. My face feels swollen and uncomfortable and I realize when I come to full wakefulness at 4 am that my chest, spine and legs are also out of sorts. My legs and rear are swollen and I cannot see or feel my ankle bones. My gut feeling tells me that I am suffering from dehydration and I get up to go and drink as much water as I can manage. The skin is tight and I pray it is not edema. Walking is difficult at best and sitting just makes it worse. I have spent the previous days painting the boxes Max made for the build-ins on either side of the fireplace and some small plaster work and touch ups on the wall after outlets were changed or items removed from walls. Just these simple tasks have exhausted me and I became too pre-occupied and busy to remember to re-hydrate. I was not listening to the cues my body was giving me ..... the recipe for trouble!! The swelling has reduced by half just before bedtime.

Monday 8th February

I have to take the double dose of steroids this morning in prep for my last round of chemo and I am hoping that it will aid in getting rid of the fluid still causing swelling in my limbs and face. I will find relief later on in the afternoon when I have drunk about 3 litres of water... which is difficult to get down at the best of times - by the time I take Mitchel to the theatre in the early evening, there is a minor swelling remaining - not edema, thank god but just dehydration.... the pamphlet I pick up from my bedside table indicates that leg swelling is a 'need to drop by and be seen' event.

I meet up with Eileen and daughter Beth at the theatre just a few blocks from my house and it is all hugs and kisses. We have been friends for 20 years - Beth would have been a little younger than my daughter is now when Eileen and I first met. I am out of breath just walking to the theater and my strained voice gives me away.... I struggle to catch it as I slip into the seat next to her. She has her oxygen tank with her and I note that I have some idea now of what she might experience at her lightest days. Mitchel enjoys the movie thoroughly and is totally engrossed in AVATAR. What a spectacular film (this is my second time seeing it) - the politics of the film is obvious and it brings with it a two-sided look at a conflict. It is eye-candy through and through and the experience is awe inspiring. This is truly the best film ever made in this genre and a proud project of a famous Canadian director/writer... James Cameron. OK, I really liked the film and have only ever gone twice to the movie theater to see a film... the other one was Pirates of the Caribbean.

Tuesday 9 February

Today is chemo day... it is my last one and I couldn't be more anxious or excited to finally get this part of my journey over and done with. It is taking almost the entire 3 weeks to feel any kind of normal and now I am about to do it over again and thankfully just one more time. I will get to ring the bell and I know Eileen who will accompany me will tear up - that makes two of us. I grabbed the paper out of the mail box at 6 am and something told me to look inside - I found an envelope marked with a message 'Marita, open only after your last chemo' I think I recognize the handwriting and I am looking forward to opening it up... I will take it with me to my chemo appointment.

It is 1:30 when Eileen and I arrive.. I head downstairs to buy us a cafe mocha while she finds herself a seat in front of the chemo suite. I arrive back on the 2nd floor and find myself face-to-face with an elderly neighbor from my last neighborhood and his partner Sharon. I say hello to Rudy and realize that he is introducing himself - I have known him for 15 years and now realize that his mind has been steadily declining since his lung surgery 3 years ago.... now as I look at Sharon she stands up and we hug - the knowing looks are exchange and I turn to Rudy - I would have hugged him but being a stranger now would likely upset him if I did. He now has liver cancer at both ends and the duct in the lower quadrant is now compromised - it is his first trip in to see the Oncologist and is hoping to get treatments started soon.... later I will receive a call from another close neighbor who lets me know that he is beyond treatment and has only 6 months to live. He has feared his own demise since his first major surgery to clear blockages in the arteries leaving his heart.... it worsened with the lung surgery and he became withdrawn and fearful. I remember having to track him down after his heart surgery when he disappeared out of his hospital room - I had notified the nurses who were doubtful that he had left the premises. I worked as a security supervisor at the age of 17 and had tracked down many runners from the Civic Hospital in Ottawa with great success and 30 minutes later, I found my quarry on the front lawn of a residence just south of Oxford street. I managed to convince the very beligerent and angry Rudy back into my van and informed him we were returning to the hospital - we compromised after he began beating the back of my seat with his feet. I returned him home for a cup of tea and to visit with his dog before getting his son to contact the nurses at the nursing station. Looking into his blank eyes and lack of recognition after all the years I have helped this aging man had deeply affected me and I help him as he staggers over his cane and promise Sharon that I will call.

I run into Megan and hugs, kisses and a quick chat before she gets called to her appointment - tomorrow will be her first dose of Docetaxel. I wish her well when she comes out just before I get paged to the chemo suite. The suite is busy but not overly so today. I am hooked up to the benedryl which quickly runs through my veins making me sleepy within minutes. The 67 year old woman next to me looks so much like my mother did at her age and we instantly spark up a conversation. She is also on the same regime as I am and just minutes before me - it is her last day and is looking forward to ringing the last call bell on the intake desk. She is not finished her journey yet either and will have her breast surgery after her chemo is done and before her radiation begins.... she comes all the way from Goderich to London. I wish her and her husband safe journey. The clinician who called earlier in the morning shows up to inform me that the trial I have agreed to do for Radiation therapy has me in the group that will be doing the 1 week, twice a day radiation as opposed to the standard 25 treatments given over a 5 week period of time. It is the same healing time as the standard but the convenience of 1 week is a great relief. Individuals in trials will be closely monitored and the outcome serves to help others about to embark on their own journey.

I leave the chemo suit as one of the last patients for the afternoon and find that the waiting room is completely empty at 4:35 p.m. The bell is on the ledge at the chemo kiosk and as the remaining nurses and a male PSA worker come to the door as witnesses, I hammer the gong like bell and receive warm hugs and best wishes from each of them. How fitting that I start my chemo journey quietly and leave with a clang witnessed by some of the most important people in this journey.

Later in the evening I get a message from Megan - there are proposed cuts to the Oncology nursing staff at LRCC and a full cut to nurses at the breast screening clinic - WHAT!!!????? Who in their right mind would ever think that this is OK? These nurses are incredible and are our first line defense. They are a valuable source of information, support and usually the only ones we see as patients after the initial Oncologist consultation. They produce valuable information booklets for the patients to take home and they keep the wait times down by a considerable amount. This unit gives educational classes using nurses.... and the list goes on. Perhaps the administrators have too much time on their hands and need to take a well earned pay cut.

Thank you to Sue S. for dropping off a lovely hand made card which I opened right after my last chemo - it was like a warm hug after a really long day... thank you girl!! xoxo Thank you to Eileen for coming with me to my last treatment!! You are so wonderful and I love you to pieces. Thank you to my husband for bringing me beautiful flowers at lunch to celebrate my last chemo - you are my soul mate and my best friend.... I love you so much. xoxo

Wednesday 10th February

I have produced my first group in facebook 'LRCC proposed job cuts to Cancer support nurses' and have emailed Jack Layton (who is currently going through prostrate cancer and Ed Holden who is my local MP) to get the word out. I have also agreed to do an interview to help get the word out. I am very concerned that this is a poor and ill-thought out decision by administrators who clearly do not understand the critical impact that this will have on patients now and into the future. I would like to see some pay cuts from administrators who seem to know little about the workings in their own domain. One can only hope that there is enough uproar to get attention and to revoke this proposal...... To all my cancer friends, I will not let this go!!

..... round 5 week 3

..... I am starting to feel more myself. My hands and feet still feel strange to me.... a little disconnected from the rest of me and constantly dry, my eyebrows are thinning out and the hair on my head that was starting to grow in has begun to fall out again.... I expect that most everything will return to some kind of normal weeks after the last dose.....

Today was a day filled with messages from friends letting me know that they are still there... thank you so much, my spirits were lifted and I felt really good today. Thank you to Jim Page for dropping by and bringing a great card from the engineering crew and thank you for the generous gift card - I wish you knew how much I miss being there with all of you. One day at a time. I was not expecting company and realize that without make-up, thinned eyebrows, darkened rings under my eyes and a ghostly paleness..... I was not looking my best!!!

My husband and I attended a pre-marital course just before we got married in 2001. The sponsoring couple gave us a beautiful unfinished wooden chest and said that we could decorate it and use it to house the love notes and words of praise that we could share with each other. Today I took it off my dresser, cleaned it and painted it with the acrylic paints I bought yesterday. It felt good to use my hands painting tiny flowers on the bright green background and gluing some silver beads on the front to use as a knob. It's amazing what bright colors and sunshine splashing across the family room carpet in the afternoon can do to one's soul. It was a very quiet afternoon spent carefully forming the miniature flowers and only concentrating on the task at hand...... goodbye depression. I must remember to keep the art supplies close at hand when I get back to my life and to remember to spend time enjoying the things I used to make time for years ago. Lydia and Mitchel are enjoying the supplies and have been producing more involved art projects that are colorful and using multiple medias.

This weekend was peaceful and spent making art projects with the kids while Max began producing the built-in's for our multi-media equipment..... his skill, 2 days (spread over 2 weekends) and $120 worth of materials will give us additional storage space that will leave our family room without clutter!!

Thank you to Sue for a wonderful lunch - it was really great to get out and see you!!! Looking forward to floating in the pool this summer!!

Monday 01 February

Day is starting slow but loving the sun!!! I am home today and very tired. My knees are still sore and my hips ache but I attempt to get out for a walk. I shuffle around all night in bed searching for that elusive comfy spot but not succeeding!! It will come but just before my next chemo and then I will spend another two weeks looking for it again!!

I spoke with my mother on the phone this evening...... the news is in - Dad has been diagnosed with Dementia. We knew this was coming but it has progressed to a point where he now needs care outside of what Mom can give him. I will say that the two of them have been struggling for a while now and perhaps they will finally sell the farm and move into a flat in town. Dad has felt isolated for some time now what with his clinical blindness and not being able to drive makes him feel like his legs have been taken from beneath him. I am still unable to travel and can only be there on the phone for them - it is a 5 hour trip by car. My brother has been instrumental in taking care of them for the past two years whenever he can get away. Sending hugs.

Tuesday 02 February

It is GroundHog day today and I have sent birthday wishes to my younger sister - it is enough to say that she has estranged herself from the family and I know I will not hear back from her. Shame really, but then she never really was that nice to me and so I go on with my day but wish her happy thoughts anyway.

I go to Art Therapy today and make a picture collage of wonderful bright and colorful pictures that I have pulled out from a number of National Geographic and Gardening magazines.... it is supposed to represent me in my physical form... the ancient gazelle head represents wisdom. The arms are made of flowers with gardening gloves at the ends representing my hands... one hand is wielding a tool and the other a light. My legs end in two brilliantly metallic beetles that are going in opposite directions - like me most days.... busy and always multitasking in two different directions. I have a heart made from a shiny green beetle and tucked in amongst the elegant cranes (patient and still) is a little girl in a dance outfit.... she is the little girl I still am inside that the Art and my illness have awoken. She does not need to be protected, just heard and comforted... just sometimes. My mood is stellar today and I am so excited to see the girls again. I have created a bond with these ladies and I miss them dearly when I can not make it.

I have an opportunity later to see the results of a double breast reconstruction and am duly impressed. As the girls in my Art class would say - Avatar breasts (the movie currently in the theaters and causing quite a stir as being the best film ever!!). I will eventually see a reconstructive surgeon but need to do more research into finding the right one and am not really sure if that is what I want to do anyway.... time will tell.

I am really tired today by early afternoon. I head out in the late afternoon to pick up a few groceries at the Metro a block away.

Wednesday 3rd January

This afternoon I head out to the hospital for 'tattoo' day in the Radiation department. I arrive 1/2 hour early at the Radiation Reception desk on the first floor of the London Regional Cancer Clinic.... it is a floor below the chemo suite and am issued with a pager. I make my way over to the waiting room and see that the volunteers have just wheeled in a coffee cart. Ah, cold ice water hits the spot and I make my way over a number of times for a refill. I am very thirsty these days and have a hard time keeping hydrated . A lady sitting near by talks to me about her husband and that he has a tumor on his larynx. She kept saying that she told him to go and see a doctor but by the time he went the tumor was enlarged enough that he now has a feeding tube and has just begun chemo.... this was a tumor they believed to be linked to a reflux problem he had as a young man but never followed up on it.

The Radiation Technician is scanning faces as she walks around. I ask her who she is looking for and surprise... it is me!! She introduces herself as Lisa. She is very pleasant and sweet as she escorts me to a changing room and instructs me to strip to the waist and put on a gown with the ties in the back. I enter into a room with a cat scan and an unusual set up on the moveable platform. The incline is fitted with a padded flat panel for my rear to rest on and the clear plexy attached to it rises up to form a neck rest. There is an arm and shoulder rest for my left arm that will hold my arm up and away from my left side to expose the breast and left chest to the CT scan. This is the kind of rig that will be in place for each of my radiation appointments. I am introduced to Christine who is taking measurements with the use of laser eyes from multiple points in the room which will produces crosshairs. Special tape is placed across each of the scars that I have from the surgeries so that they will act as markers in the pictures that the Scan will create. I am now marked in a number of places with marker and tape and am instructed to stay as still as possible. About 5 minutes later, the pictures are done and Lisa comes over to see me. She will now 'tattoo' the little freckles on my skin that will be used as permanent markers for all my radiation treatments. She first swabs the three sites she will be marking with alcohol and then uses a stick soaked in ink to daub the sites. A needle is then used to pierce each of the inked sites to produce said tattoo. I am done and Lisa continues to talk to me about what will come next and hands me a pamphlet. I was so impressed with the time these ladies took to inform and do the procedures. I enjoyed their company and shared some laughs... probably the best appointment I have had to go to through this entire journey. Thank you so much.

Tonight Will is being a teen and unfortunately for him, he is now grounded. Funny how he just fell asleep - probably what he really needed more than anything. I covered him up and kissed his forehead. Love you baby.

I did some light plaster work - nail holes etc and primed today. I am too tired to carry on and so I blog and get ready for bed. Tomorrow I go for blood work and my Oncology appointment. Night Night.

Thursday 4th January

Today I head out to the hospital for a regularly scheduled blood work and meeting with the Oncologist's team. It is 7 a.m and I am having a hard time getting up and going..... I am one of the first patients to arrive - they do not have my blood work requisition ready and I find a comfy seat to wait. There is a vietnamese woman sitting by herself in the dark and quiet waiting room and I sit near her and say hello. Her english is broken at best but her smile and her willingness to practice her new language is obvious. We talk for a few minutes and I am patient as she struggles to find the right words and she blushes when she gets it wrong... I smile back and repeat what she has said and she nods and says thank you when I figure out what she wants to get across. She has been here for a year and the first 6 months she tried working but lost her job, so now she takes english classes.... that is until she discovered a lump in her breast. This is the second one that she has had and both were recently removed. She indicates that it is not cancer but I wonder why she is here? She tells me that her father died of liver cancer. Two women seat themselves near us - they are from the middle east and speak very well in English and quickly engage in conversation with me. The vietnamese lady gets called and we clasp hands and bid each other good bye. She grabs my arm and says thank you, nods and smiles down at me as she rises to go chase after the nurse that has started to move off. I relocate closer to clinic 3's kiosk when the other lady I have been chatting with responds to her pager.

My pager goes off a half hour later and I follow the nurse to the weigh scale... looks like I have put on a couple of pounds - easy to do when you are in physical pain and your appetite has hit an all-time high. The nurse who comes to talk to me indicates that I am considered overweight to obese..... by their charts pretty much everyone in the waiting room fits that description. I will admit though that the weight will be challenging to get off until I can get back into the gym. She tells me that I can likely start back when the pain subsides. Looking forward to getting back into shape. The nurse also indicates to me that alcohol should not be imbibed simply because their statistics indicate that the reoccurrence for breast cancer patients that do so is significant enough to warrant the warning. The last time I had a drink would have been 1/2 glass of red wine and before that would have been in August before my second surgery. I do not miss it but on occasion will still have a glass of wine. I will have another appointment with Oncology in March as a follow-up.

I would like to congratulate Heather R. whose son was born on February 1st and to Melissa and Norm for the safe arrival of Erika on the 3rd of February!! I love babies!!

Friday 5th February

I am headed off to the college this morning to have coffee with my boss. Elaine is sick today but waves to me from the door way. I miss all of you and it felt good to walk into the college after 8 months. I really enjoyed our chat and look forward to another coffee soon. Thanks so much.

I spent the afternoon in quiet... I am very tired these days... apparently the nurse also said that my red cell count was low and I can feel it. I am almost done. I will enjoy my week end and look forward to finishing my chemo journey!!!!

.... round five week 2

...... foggy brain and in pain.... not exactly a great mantra but one in which I am living each day. I am up early and trying to shift the pain that has now found its way into my spine from where it started last night in my hips. The sweats are driving me near mad with a constant on again, off again.... sheets on, sheets off ...

Friday 22nd January

I have started my slow shuffling walk trying not to jar the already painful knee joints and hips - I am taking over the counter pain medication to stave off the worst of it but even that is only taking the edge off.... I am now taking them every 4 hours and having to hold off from taking them too early. It creeps up the shins through the knees and up into the hips - I can keep it at bay if I hold my legs just right and then stop moving. Finally comfortable and then I have to get up again to go to the washroom. The house is empty and everyone is off to school or work and I will get up to at least read the paper and drink a cup of tea. The effort pays off as I read the amazing news of a young couple who has just had quadruplets!! That is exciting!! I will sit quietly catching up on the news and spend the rest of the day laying down watching TV and finishing the wool hat I started... my hands do not hurt.

Mandi calls around 6 pm.... she has had an incredibly busy week and is almost crying when she apologizes for being late and that she will call in our dinner.... no worries girl - Max will head out to pick up pizza for the kids. She does so much for us and then tries to juggle everything else in her busy world. Hugs girl, we love you!!

As if by scheduled routine.... Eryn, full of tears and escorted by William has come to stay the night again..... her Mom just can't seem to get it together and once again tells her that she wished she was never born.... who does these things? This has become a routine with every chemo round it seems and so with a little shuffling - Eryn sleeps in Lydia's room.

Saturday 23rd January

This is the day I have not been looking forward to all week.... the pain is now deeply entrenched in my bones and has moved up into the spine - it cracks when I shift in bed and the knees send electric shivers up to my hips. Today is my slow day.... a shuffle of sorts just to get anywhere and not in a hurry either. My brain is functioning but conversation is difficult and I cannot remember things. I can see that the day is sunny and bright and am grateful that it is winter.... I am already feeling very isolated from my world and apart from what is going on around me. I shuffle to the couch and sink in to it while the kids get themselves organized.

Mandi has come to call and has brought flowers..... she has been so amazing through this journey and I am grateful for her incredible support. Her children wait in the hallway and I can see by the look on their faces that I look pretty scary today. It is hard for a child to fathom an illness that takes so many months to go through - they have asked her how come I am still sick?Hugs and kisses later, she is off to do what Mom's do on Saturday with their kids.... I can't wait to get back into my routine again..... soon.

My hair is growing back and I hope it continues... this chemo is also supposed to cause hair loss but not always..... although that being said, I have fewer eyebrows today than I did a few days ago. I have eyelashes too which I am grateful for - not a lot but they are still there none the less.

My attitudes usually start to take a nosedive right around the 4th day of chemo... about the time that the immune system begins its decline - the thoughts are usually negative and focused on things that bother me... like the friend whom I parted ways with when my journey began... a neighbor, who just had her fourth baby is having to deal with this woman dropping her child off and not picking her up until sometime after 9:30 at night because she and her husband decided to go out on a date night.... they pulled the same stunt on us numerous times without calling or even asking and a few times we had to put her daughter to bed because it was too late. I am just grateful that I no longer have to put up with this .... I just feel bad for this woman, who like myself, did not want to rock the boat but when you are going through stuff... you sometimes can't take on anyone else's. Every experience is an opportunity to learn and to improve oneself. Tomorrow will be a better day!!

I am still on my journey and will be for a while yet to come..... I can still answer a phone and look forward to seeing my friends when they have time in their busy schedule to see me... just know that I miss you too!!

Dinner tonight is provided by Max.... we waited until 6 pm and then Max put on chicken burritos for dinner. I burnt my lip trying to eat it because I was so hungry - this should have been a forewarning of things to come but I persisted and within an hour.... well, the pain came and the tears started. Max felt bad and really it was Ok I told him - I should have known better but I made a choice to eat it and now have to deal with the fallout.... he admits to me that he was feeling a bit of the burn and could only imagine what I was going through.

He tries to put me to bed after my stomach settled down and we talk but the pain has kicked it up a notch and I turn away from him and the tears course down my cheeks. He touches my hip gently and moves off to leave me alone. He has been really good these past few days and tries to comfort me when he can by gently rubbing my back or my feet. My feet have been bothering me this time and warming them in the bath is temporary, so he has warmed towels in the dryer and wrapped them. If I lay on my back with my body pillow supporting my knees in a still position I do not hurt as much.... it is when I begin to shift that things start to pain me. I have been laying down most of the day and catching cat naps when I can.... emotionally I am feeling better but mentally still foggy... nighty night.

Sunday 24th January

Today is a quiet day and a raining one.... a damper on the spirits. It takes forever to get up, take a shower and get dressed. I want to go out for a walk today despite the leg pain but I do not get very far in the driving rain and need to turn around and go back home.... tomorrow I will try again. Michelle is online and leaving notes on my Facebook. She has had the Docetaxel on Friday and I am giving her advice in order to avoid some of the issues that she will face in the coming days. So far so good with her but the 50 hour mark is closing in fast and she has taken her pain meds much to my relief and to hers. She is grateful for the experiences I am sharing but is scared... she is doing this alone and I am not.

My eyes are now sensitive to light.... this is the 5 1/2 day mark and my ears hear like a hawk... noises are giving me headaches. Max has to clean the bathrooms but can not use any chemicals to do that with - baking soda and bleach cream cleansers are the only ones he can find that do not give me an instant headache. It is amazing how many cleansers have odors just to make them enticing for the consumer to use.... they give me instant headaches.... wonder how many childhood allergies stem from Febreeze and other such products that are completely unnecessary if you keep a clean home. My mother always aired out our linens and our rooms almost daily.... this I do this morning to cleanse the upstairs while staring out at a gloomy rainy sky. The breeze feels good.

I am having difficulty looking at the monitor... it is too bright.... I am off to bed.

Steve Ward brings another culinary soup and the kids are in total awe of this giant of a man who has an incredible skill with a pot!!!

Monday 25 January

I go into work for a quick meeting to discuss the party a few weeks ago. Mandi has picked me up because my head is too foggy for driving and will later drop me off. I forgot to do a few things while at work but that is the way the head is these days... more off than on.

I spend the afternoon dozing off and on and tolerating the now relentless hot flushes that have me soaking wet one minute and cold the next.... it really started full force in the first dose of Docetaxel and now is taking it up a notch...

Steve Stax has made another fine meal - herb chicken with a lovely pasta with white sauce - yum!! Thank you!!

Lydia has been given back her eye glasses.... just a little adjustment is required but we are grateful that they have been returned to us!!

Tuesday 26 January

I am feeling under the weather after a restless night with joint and rib pain and of course the endless sweats. Max has slept in Lydia's bed, Lydia slept beside me and I will be lucky if I got any sleep at all!!

Art Therapy was packed but a really great group today. Bev, Kim, Ruth and Majella were there along with a host of new people... one young man has lymphatic cancer and has brought his Mom with him.... we will all cry later when she breaks down in front of us, trying to choke back tears when she tells us how worried she is for him and his young family. We all have tears in our eyes as we let her know that it is OK... we are all in our journey and we understand what he is going through. My art project is about me sitting in my garden surrounded by flowers and blue sky with my colorful bucket of water filled with flowers.... we are supposed to create something of ourselves and what we would carry on our lonely journey. Art Therapy brings solace to my inner self and keeps my spirits up - I look forward to seeing the women that I have come to know and appreciate.... this summer, I hope to see some of them out for a swim at our pool!!

Wednesday 27th January

It has been a restless night with sore joints, bad belly pains and of course the heat flushes.... by 4 am I have had enough and the tears start to flow and before I start to sob... I have pulled on a sweatshirt and hat and moved downstairs. I just want to sleep. Last night after dinner, I was in a mood - too noisy for me at the dinner table and just feeling out of sorts. Max kept trying to curb me and finally I had had enough and sniped back..... it is critical for a partner to keep in touch with what is going on and to ask questions..... so here it is.... I am going through chemo and menopause at the same time - I am in pain, exhausted and trying to cope with fluctuations in hormones. Maybe one day I will write a brochure, embellish it with lovely sunflowers and a couple enjoying a picnic under a grand oak tree with an even grander beehive attached to a lower branch and title it 'If you swat at a beehive, you are going to get stung'. I envision the next page with the now unrecognizable man's face completely covered in hives and welts but smiling because he nailed at least a handful with the branch still clutched in his swollen fingers.... wouldn't need a lot of written words after that visual :)

This journey can be terribly lonely at times .... I get to watch everyone walk out the door 5 days a week and live their lives while I try to keep mine together. The isolation is sometimes made worse by being left alone... I have hit the 6 month mark and while others have moved on and continued in their busy lives, I am still here. The blog has helped to let everyone know where I am at and how I am feeling but it neglects to mention that I still need my friends and would like to hear from them. We don't have to talk about my journey.... we can just have coffee.

Thursday 28th January

It is a cold bitter January day with high winds and beautiful sunshine... yoga day is always a day where the sun makes a show no matter what comes prior to or after. I am feeling bad but I know that I really need to get out.. sense a bit of depression setting in. Yoga was amazing as always with hugs and hellos from everyone including Mary whose daughter is not feeling up to coming out today - the radiation burns are making her very uncomfortable :( It is our last class of the 8 week cycle and I am able to do most of the exercises and am thankful that it is a restorative class. I meet afterwards with some of the ladies for coffee.

I am so inspired these days by my Art Therapy class that I have enough energy to pick out a few supplies from Michaels - oil pastels, watercolor crayons, paper, acrylic paints, brushes and some easy to decorate frames for Mitchel and Lydia.... later when they come home they are ecstatic at the new items and quickly get into a craft hour!! I also did some grocery shopping at the Loblaw. Signs everywhere tell of the plight of the Mexican and Florida growing season - our cold snap has found a hold in the deep south affecting produce..... just cringing to think of how expensive things will get over the next few months. I am starting to wear thin and my hips, legs and knees are feeling the strain of being upright so I head to the cash register and see a cashier whom I have not seen since last July - she is soooooo sweet and usually works in the plant center in the spring and summer and over the years we have chatted about our lives in a very candid and open way. Nadine recognizes me right away and after hugs she says"OK, so are you going to tell me why you don't have any hair?" and I turned and smiled and let her know what was going on.... the woman she had just finished serving gives me that 'Oh, dear' look and smiles crookedly as she redirects her attention to her grocery bags and moves off. "Don't make me cry", says Nadine as she reaches out for another hug. We chat and laugh as she packs the shopping bags and hugs again as she wishes me well and encourages me to come back and see her again when I am up to it. I smile as I walk/shuffle away.... been on my feet too long. I pack the car with care and jump in - is it really 1:40???!! I give Sandra Moyer a quick cell call to let her know that I am on my way home.... no worries, she is just leaving work and heading my way for lunch. Whew!! I get home minutes before she shows up. I have bought a hot lunch for us and spend quality time at the dining room table chatting and laughing - I really love the time she spends with me. Have a safe and super fun vacation and look forward to seeing you when you get home!! xoxox

I want to thank everyone for their calls and well wishes. I know that life is busy for everyone and the moments spent just saying Hi mean so much to me!! Thank you Bev P. for being so sweet and I always look forward to seeing you every week - hoping to get out to have lunch with you when my chemo is over. Raye, thank you for your cards that always come in the mail at the right time - you are an earth angel. Mandi - for always being there and for being a good friend. I am learning so much from the precious souls around me that teach me everyday how to be the very best that I can. xoxox

.... round five week 1

.... the memory is dull this morning and I am having to search hard to connect with what needs to be done... the headache began last night - jaw pain and around the eyes. Took the Tylenol and Advil in an attempt to stave it off... I will need to do this now every 5 hours over the next week. I am having difficulty managing the simple task of getting the kids organized this morning - Max leaves early in the morning to head out to the college on Thursday's and I offered to get their lunches made. What should have taken a few minutes.... it got done with verbal assistance from Mitch. Last night was spent in bed tossing while toasting and cooling off - this forced menopause thing is really a nuisance and I no longer wonder why my mother was so miserable!! Yesterday the nurse came to give me the Neulasta shot and to check my leg wound. The wound has begun to heal and the pain is gone. It has been a month since I hurt my ankle with a simple boot rub and according to the physician - it could take another month for the ulcer to scab and fully heal. The immune system is really compromised with the Docetaxel and I have to be extra careful. The antibiotics will run out in a few days and after that, my system will take a full dump before coming back online. Here is a recap, as best as can be retrieved from the few days I have not been able to blog....

Tuesday 19 January

It is chemo day.... round 2 of the Docetaxel. Today I am accompanied by Eileen and she picks me up early so we can grab a cup of joe after making our way upstairs to pick up the pager - the receptionist lets me know that I should have submitted my appointment stub to them prior to leaving my appointment last week in order to get my next appointment - thank goodness someone at the desk found a carbon copy on my file and made one for me in advance - darn chemo brain!! I run into my Oncologist who is also waiting to fuel up in the line behind me at the Tim Horton's on the bottom floor and I chat for a minute before turning to go with Eileen to find the elevator to head back up to the second floor. Eileen is on oxygen and I tend to forget that I move too fast for her to keep up and she is relieved when the elevator is located and we are back upstairs into comfy seats to wait my turn with the pager snuggled into the front pocket of my jeans. I recognize a familiar face across from us. Mary is the mother of a young 27 year old woman who is going through breast cancer - it is invasive for her and so she is doing chemo and radiation at the same time and Mary lets me know that she is OK but is not coping with the extensive burns to her chest. As we chat, I indicate to her about the sudden onset of menopause and was her daughter experiencing anything like that despite her age... Mary wasn't sure but would ask. I looked around and noticed a lot of people staring in our direction and looked down to discover that someone had dropped 2 open but clean maxi pads on the floor a few steps away from us??!! It has created quite a lot of attention but Mary got up and quickly disposed of them in the garbage a few feet away and when we looked up - there were lots of smiles, some a little red-faced. No worries, Mary, Eileen and I continued with the conversation until my pager went off. See you soon Mary and give my best to your lovely daughter - oh, and please let the yoga class know that I will not be able to attend on Thursday. Nurse Haley is waiting for me in the doorway of the chemo suite and I choose the lazy boy in the airy and naturally lit corner... there are tropical plants all around the chair and lots of light. The IV does not go in so well today and I catch the tears as they course down my face... too many pokes into what is now scar tissue. I have had so many pokes lately that I think I am getting an aversion to any kind of needle. I see the lady I met 3 weeks ago who was in the bed across from me. She is attractive and around the same age as me but as she is shown the chair two away from me, I invite her to choose the one adjacent. She agrees and we smile and introduce myself....what a small world - Megan knows a lot of the same women that I do and we begin to chat. I am wearing make-up and usually do just to rid myself of the horrible black rings under my eyes but I note that she is not wearing any and looks amazing. I take off my cap - it is too hot for me and she removes her head scarf.... so here we are, two bald beautiful 40 somethings, chilling in the chemo suite with no hats and lots of laughs... the beginning of another friendship with a kindred spirit!!

The Benedryl is run in first to avoid any complications from the last visit - this will take 10 minutes with a 30 minute wait until the Docetaxel is run..... this makes my total visit now over 2 1/2 hours as they will do a saline rinse after the medication goes through to try and save my vein from hardening or collapsing. My wrist is burning with pain from the IV being rammed in and is relieved by putting on the heat pad. The frozen mitts and slippers are on and away we go. Eileen has brought her copy of 'Vinyl Cafe' and reads a great short story out loud to me... I start to doze because the benedryl has kicked in and I strain to listen to her read. Megan is busy getting her IV inserted - she is not really crazy about the needles either and looks away. Her husband has joined us and we all converse back and forth... he is really cool and I know if Max had been with me, he would have totally liked his open and candid humor.

I have to use the washroom around the corner in the chemo suite and I recognize a man and his wife I have seen a few times before. They had smiled and we said hello before our appointment today. He turns to say hello - he is reserved with a shy smile and the accent is thick. I ask how is his wife - they are sequestered in a private room off the hallway and I can see she is laying down holding their daughter's hand. He says that she is not well, it is her last chemo but had a reaction that has made her ill but they have given her enough meds to make her feel better... likely the benedryl that I now must take with each Docetaxel. She smiles up at me from her bed as I move steps into the room. Hello I say as I smile down at her beautiful face. I tell her how beautiful she is and that I hope she is feeling better... she answers 'better' and smiles back. I ask if she will do radiation after and she nods. I blow her a kiss and let her know that I will see her soon.

I am finally done and I bid farewell to Megan and promise to find her on facebook - ahhh, another facebook addict!! When I get home, she has already put in a friend request and a note to me. I am looking forward to getting together with her really soon. I am hoping she will come to Wellspring with me. See you soon Bella Megan. Eileen and I go to the pharmacy to wait for the prescription I am to pick up. The Victory Program (Amgen - the company that produces the Neulasta) has picked up the costs that are not carried by my insurance company and I am relieved... I do note however that the cost of the shot is a few hundred dollars cheaper than just a few weeks ago??!! The woman and her husband ring the bell on their way out of the chemo suite - it signifies the last chemo and those in close proximity start to clap including myself and Eileen. The woman and her husband see us and smile broadly as he grasps her hand to leave... I blow her another kiss and smile.

Nick P. shows up mid-afternoon with tonight's dinner. It is a wonderful stew that the kids gobble up with the bread he has brought to soak up the juices!! Yum. Did I mention the lovely coffee pastry with a chocolate center - it was divine and the kids gobbled that up super fast. Thank you so much for your wonderful words of encouragement, the hugs and best wishes and of course the smiles!!

Wednesday 21 January

I am not sleeping and make my way downstairs where I pick up the hat I have been knitting for William... his is the fourth hat that I will have made for my family - it actually helps the brain to function by keeping it busy and the kids love the funky multi-colored wool. It is finished before he starts school and proudly pops it on his head as he heads out the door... later he will tell me that someone teased him because the hat has dark purple in it - William let's the kid know that his mother has made it for him and that she has cancer.... the kid quiets down and apologizes to him. Later, one of Will's friends asks if I can make him one.... :)

I am putting away paperwork and paying bills today because the brain is getting worse and I cannot remember where I put things and must write down notes as reminders. Tax season is coming up and I am trying to organize the slips so that we can get ours done as soon as possible. My long term disability has started and the cheque has been put into the account early much to my relief. It is a once a month payment and I must bear that in mind for next month when all my bills come in before the money. I am good with my money and am frugal to a fault when it comes to paying all bills and not carrying a balance.

I am not feeling overly well and spend the afternoon on the couch cat-napping. I do not get much sleep - the steroids tend to stall that department but today is the last day for taking those. I have heart burn but not as bad as when I went through the FEC.

Janice Mills has come to bring a fantastic spinach quiche - I have been craving eggs all day and amazed to find my wish come true!! The salad was a total hit as well. Thank you so much Janice and thank you for being such a great gal.... I wish I had gotten to know you better before all this happened - you are really very wonderful and thank you for everything.

Thursday 21st January

Not feeling great.... it is the 48 hour mark and I am feeling it in my head and my chest... the bone pain is setting in and I will take it easy today. I am knitting my funky wool hat to keep my head occupied. The hat has taken all day to produce and I will be gifting it to Eryn... it is in keeping with the one I made for Will.

Tonight is difficult emotionally... Miss Lydia slips into the tub with me and we put in a few bath bombs and laugh about silly things... she sees my scars and starts to talk about my cancer and the treatment I have just had. She knows that I am in pain and gently washes my arms and comes in close for a nuzzle. I am tired and sore and need to get out of the bath... my head is foggy and I ask her to read to me. She climbs in beside me and reads aloud then prompts me to read the book to her... she needs me to just be there for her and I read it as I cuddle with her. My knees are in a great deal of pain and is shifting through my shins. My arms will soon be aching and the only comfort I have is laying on my back with my knees supported by my body pillow. Lydia and I talk about her missing eye glasses - a student in her class has taken them from her desk and is having difficulty finding them after taking them home with her. We will have to wait a few more days to see if they can be located but I cannot afford to replace these brand new glasses.... I had to do that last year when mine went missing and then mysteriously showed up weeks later after I had purchased a replacement pair..... we will wait patiently...

Lydia wants to talk about death... mine and hers and how she doesn't want to ever die and how come we all have to die?? Is it possible to live forever? Will I get to see her grow up? Will I meet her children? Will Oma and Grandad see her grow up to adult hood? What happens to us when we go? Will I be able to see her when I die? Can I stay with her forever? The tears start and I hope the dark room doesn't give away the emotions that I am having a hard time controlling... she asks me if I am crying and as I turn to her I see that both of us are. She reaches out her little hand and I clasp it in mine - a lifeline to a daughter I love more than anything and who I worry about how she is doing.... so little and so much worry. Max knows to leave us alone and kisses us both good night and heads off to sleep in the spare bed in Mitchel's room. We cuddle in close still holding hands long into the night. I do not sleep - a combination of the steroids and pain is making it uncomfortable. I love you always, forever and a day, Mommy.

I worry about my children and I know that the week after chemo is always the toughest on all of us... they are unsure of what to do but come in to see me often to give reassurance and kisses - that has always been my job but now they are taking on that role and watching over me. I am so very lucky. xoxoxox

Thank you to Anne LaRoque for dinner tonight.... not a lick of it left!! You are always so busy and I appreciate the time and effort you put into everything you do!

Thank you to the supper club for once again coming out this week to assist with my family... it makes life so much easier. Thank you to Ray Cabak for the lovely card - it was wonderful seeing you on Saturday and of course at the cancer clinic where you volunteer your time helping out!!