August Long weekend visit....

The long weekend is here and my sister arrives in the late afternoon after a long drive from Ottawa.  Her smile lights up the front hallway as the kids come down the stairs to greet their Aunt Patricia and Uncle Al.  It's been a year and so much has happened since their last visit.  Patricia spoils us with lovely gifts and grins widely when Lydia wraps her arms around her Aunt and thanks her.  Mitch pulls on the red Roots sweatshirt and gives her a hug.  He has grown and slimmed down since she last saw him and comments about how adorable he looks.  Lydia comes in for a second hug and smiles up at her wonderful Aunt.  How lucky are we that she and Alan have made the journey again.   My gift is a Coach purse... my first ever!!  I have only hugs and love to give back.  

They have brought steak with them for supper so Alan and Mitchel head into the kitchen to begin the preparation while us gals head to the back deck to catch up with a beer in hand.  I love listening to her stories and of the places they have visited... later in the weekend, they will show us a slide show of the highlights of their 9 week trip to Australia and New Zealand.  I wish we had done more travelling when I had the full-time income.  I am deeply proud of them for pursuing what is important to them in life and living their lives to the fullest.  They are a phenomenal couple!!! 

Patricia pulls together an amazing salad and Mitchel has cooked unbelievable steaks and baked potatoes with guidance from Alan.  Wow, what an amazing meal.  We continue chatting into the evening over beers until they head off to their hotel. 

Saturday has us heading out to Port Stanley for a visit to their famous beach and then later to eat at GT's on the beach.  Mitchel has decided to stay home - he is feeling under the weather.  The day is overcast and by the looks of the weather warning on the Weather Network, it will soon turn ugly as the afternoon progresses.  We take advantage of the early afternoon to walk through the town after picnicking on the beach.  We take in the sights and the quaint shops as we stroll along.  The men decide to sit it out when we head into the 'girlie' shops and re-join us when a store piques their interest.  My sister chats amicably with the store owners and one in particular about a specific type of Italian glass.  Her travels have taken her around the world and she has experienced and learned so much....I quietly take in the conversation from a distance when I realize the artwork I am standing in front of is from a man I used to work with at the TV station years ago.  

My Beautiful sister Patricia

I could tell you about the man behind the artwork but not the form of art he does.  This is the second artist I knew from the two galleries we have just visited.  From near or far from where you live, there is always something to learn and experience.  It was fun playing tourist in a small town we have visited many times.

Welcome to Port Stanley

GT's On The Beach

Dinner was amazing here as we sat beneath the metal roof of GT's.  It wasn't long before the sky opened up and the rains poured down while we ate lake perch caught right here in Lake Eerie.  It is a large fresh water lake that forms one of the Great Lakes separating Ontario from the United States.  This lovely town of 38,000 swells to more than twice that in the summer with cottagers arriving from all over.  The local fisheries sell their fish in the market just off the harbour.  

Harbour Fish Market

One of the fishing boats moored behind the fish market in the harbour.  Two seagulls rest atop the hardware on the deck.

Sunday 

This is our last day together and we have decided to visit with my Dad at the longterm care facility.  They tell us he is in a grumpy mood as we make our way to his room.  This is Patricia's first visit with him in years and she is not sure what to expect when we arrive.  He is laying down on his bed just staring around when I approach and get close enough to get his attention - he is blind in one eye and has minimal sight in the other.  He hears my voice and looks up into my face and smiles.  "Hello Dad", I smile back into his now broadly grinning face.  "I have a visitor here who has come to see you.  Would you like to see Patricia?"  He looks confused at first and then his face brightens as she moves in for a hello.  We help him to sit up and note that his PJ's are wet from sweat.  No worries, the PSW has come in to take Dad to the bath.  Since the bath is not ready, we are walking him around the floor trying to keep him occupied until its ready - about 15 minutes later!!!

We will head downstairs to the outside garden to have our coffee with him.  She is happy that he has some lucid moments in our visit together.  She takes him around the small garden and points out flowers and things of interest including the myriad of little feathered visitors.  We have our coffee at a little cafe table in the now deserted garden.  Then the hijinks and hilarity started.... here is Dad being silly!!  Oh, and my new look.... from Artic Blonde to redhead.  

Monday August 3rd 

Tuesday August 4th....

...... gets me out of bed soon after falling asleep.  My stomach is rolling and the burning sensation lets me know that the liver or gall bladder is once again dumping its contents. I head to the spare bedroom to lie down but find myself groaning as I push myself back up off the bed and head to the bathroom.  There is some relief but the bowel doesn't feel empty and hasn't for a few days.  I want to cry but I know that it will only serve to make matters worse so I head downstairs to take a tablespoon of Apple Cider Raw/unpasturized/organic Cider vinegar.  The pain will slowly ebb and flow.  Max has made his way downstairs... I can hear him behind me but I tell him to not touch me....I have my head on the counter and I am jogging my feet up and down to help slosh the vinegar around the belly.  I ask him to go to bed as I make my way to the dining room to continue my jog on the spot as I lean in to the table.  I can hear him head up the stairs.  I hope he gets some sleep.  It takes another 15 minutes before I make my way back up the stairs and slump into the spare room bed.  I turn over and note that the pain in my sternum has radiated into the ribs.  Great.  Just one more thing to be concerned about.  At least it doesn't hurt when I breathe..... at least not yet anyway.  This morning is dark and stormy - perfect background for how I am feeling.  

I find out that I have an ultrasound appointment for the one day that I am volunteering at the College so now I am attempting to get that changed if I can to another day.  The frustration of being in pain and a constant stream of appointments and medical pokes is driving me nuts.  The CT scan only showed the abdomen and not the chest.... so here we go again with another scan which hopefully does not happen on my holidays... but knowing my luck.... it will.  Sigh.  This morning, the frustration showed in the tears escaping down my cheeks as I kept busy trying to not focus on how I am feeling these days.

..... wonderful visits and a CT scan......

My family is away at the cottage and I am staying at home.  The phone began to ring on Monday from friends wondering how my week was unfolding.  My first visitor of the week arrives for lunch.  I was fortunate to be helping and eventually teaching for Karin at the local high school. She wanders through my urban garden and is wowed by my garden and often asks how I manage to find the time and how she wishes she did.  I tell her that I make the time to do things that bring me happiness and things that fill my soul. We part with a hug and a promise to see each other soon.

Later in the afternoon,  Mauricia arrives.  She has been a friend since September 2009 from my early days at Wellspring (cancer support).  She is a two time survivor and at 71, she is super young at heart.  We sit on the back deck chairs and share a bottle of red wine.  We talk about what's important and laugh at the craziness of our lives.  We have a wonderful time and I look forward to seeing her soon.  I love you.  I will be participating in the walk for Wellspring in September.

Tuesday brings Brayden, Lisa and Kelly to my backyard in the high heat of mid-July.  I went to school with Brayden and Lisa a few years ago at Western University and Kelly graduated from the same course a decade before.  Kelly wasn't sure she should join us as she had texted me earlier in the day to ask if she could pop by since she would be in the neighborhood.  She fit right in and we all spent a wonderful afternoon talking about what we all have in common - teaching!!!  Lisa is heading back to Sweden to teach for one more year in early August and the rest of us will return in September to our respective schools. 

Wednesday brings Elaine to my front door to accompany me to my CT scan at Victoria Hospital.  It is  

7am and I am glad I set my alarm to get me up... I am usually up early but Laidee was freaking out with each roll of thunder over night.  She was jumping in and out of the bathtub and in my shower.... I was too tired to get out of bed other than to go to the washroom.  I am sore in my left thigh and left hip... likely caused from trying to balance my way around the garden but I am not sure and I am already feeling anxious about the CT scan.  We arrive early and find a parking spot easily.  With a quick trip to the Tim Horton's on the main floor, we then continue on to the CT/MRI unit.  

I know the routine after so many scans..... first the contrast liquid - 1.5 litres of orange flavoured 'juice' sipped over an hour and then off to the change room to put on hospital clothes.  I always cringe at the prospect of yet another I.V needle shoved into an already impossible vein.  I let the tech know when I get comfortable in the chair that the main vein in my elbow is not a viable choice.  She prods and decides that it is soft enough to give it a go.  I knew what would happen but often, its just easier to allow the tech to find out for themselves..... she struggles, tries to push the tube in with saline and then finally calls it... she has to remove it and try another vein but not without apologizing profusely.  She finds another vein, selects the smallest gauge needle she can use and has success but not without blood beginning to run out of the tube and on to the hospital gown.  "This never happens".... she is perplexed and I just calmly tell her its OK..... after letting her know that I was in my happy place at the beach. She continues to apologize as she wipes up the blood .... so I do what I know will help out the situation - I give her a hug.  She thanks me for making her feel better and then leads me to the scan.  I note that the waiting room is getting busy at 9 am due to a trauma being brought in to the other suite.  The preliminary scan is done and then the i.V is hooked up and the contrast courses through my veins giving a very warm sensation and a need to pee.  "Hold your breath" drones an electronic male voice as the table I am laying on pulls me into the 'donut' that contains the scanner and then moves slowly back to its start position as I continue to hold my breath.  You have to hold your breath to keep the liver from moving as the scanner scans it.  A few scans later and another tech comes in to help me while the first one prepares for the next patient... She tells me to have a good day as I move out of the automatic doors.  The man in the wheelchair from the waiting room rolls into the suite - he is missing half of his left leg and a number of the ends of his fingers at the first joint.  His right leg is wrapped except for the toes sticking out that look grotesque... It is likely this is someone who has diabetes.  It reminds me of how fortunate I am despite the cancer.

Elaine and I head out of the hospital and I take her out to Angel's for breakfast.  We both enjoyed our meal and were fortunate to speak to the owner about my illness... I have known her since I used to go there for breakfast with the survivor group I paddled with in 2010.... we discussed, of all things, symbols of our passed loved ones.  Butterflies, dimes, pennies found and more.... and also our thoughts on our lives and its meanings... I will leave this private as it reflects thoughts from others whom I do not have permission to share.  We hug and as she moves off, she calls over her shoulder... see me next time you are in for breakfast.  I will head there after my appointment next week with the oncologist.  It will be a time for Max and I to talk about what our next steps are depending on what we are told.  Elaine and I head back to the house and we meander through my garden.  She will take a carrot home with her and as she puts it in the car, she finds a penny on the ground.... another symbol. Hugs and love... thank you for being here for me today. 

By noon, I am feeling very tired and head upstairs for a nap which lasts 3 hours.  Today my bowel is bothering me and I am bloating.  I am not able to go anywhere and choose to just blog and snack on the couch.  The dark chocolate I am sucking on finally settles the stomach.  The fatigue of not having a good sleep because of the dog.... the worry of the CT and a late afternoon nap all added up to a quiet evening.

My lovely daughter starts texting me through FB this evening.... oh how I miss her.  She will be back soon and I hope she is enjoying her time away.  We have a few more days apart which we will both make the most of.  

Thursday brings a road trip with my crazy gal pal Kirsten, whom I absolutely adore!!!  I am not feeling well as we start out the trip.... my gut has been upset now for days and I am just trying to stay the course.  Miss Regan, her daughter joins us on our trip as we head towards Sarnia.  We chat about the funny quirks and sayings I say.... just sayin'..... and note that for the second trip in as many weeks along the 402 that the wind turbines are not moving... OK 1 in about 40 are turning.  It's a beautiful summer day with a breeze as we get closer to the ferry and the trip across the river to the cottage.  Pat is grinning from ear to ear as we approach the dock.  A few minutes later we jump up to the dock and help the elderly couple on the boat with their groceries.  Despite the strong breeze along the river, it is a warm day with clouds building in the bright blue sky.  

We arrive at the cottage along a path.  It is amongst the trees that cast a cooling shadow from a canopy of ancient trees well above the second story roof.  The cottage is reflective of what it looked like in the 50's..... stepping back into a different era.  We drop off our bags and head out to walk the the island before lunch.  We are a mere 100 yards down our chosen path when I see a profile I easily recognize.... I am not a hollywood fan, I do not care much for the glitz and shallowness of famous people.... but Chris Hadfield is not like anyone out of Hollywood.  He is an incredible adventurer as an Astronaut and Pilot and a rare man of multi-talents who is humble and engaging in a soft spoken manner.  Last summer, Max was able to water ski with the family but I had to stay back because I was on chemo.  Pat, his sister and one of a few of my best friends walks us over to meet him.  I introduce myself and play with the pug who has accompanied him.  I do not like to intrude but ask him for a photo and he obliges us as he guides us up his boat dock.  We pick up the puppies to get our photos taken.  Wow.  Thank you so much!!  Pat tells me that he was not supposed to be at the cottage until later in the week and for some reason, I'll call it a wish... he was there for only a few hours before heading back out.  Later we had a fabulous lunch and headed for another walk around the island in the opposite direction.  There is something about being at a cottage.  Thank you Pat for inviting us. xoxo

Here is Chris Hadfield and myself on the dock.

 

Me, Kirsten and Pat!!  My awesome bestie gal pals.  Love you girls!!!

Friday I head out to help out a friend with her garden.....only I pulled on some vines wrapped in the trees ahead and the pain in my side came as a warning too late.... I would spend the remainder of the day in spasms and pain.... and into the night of sheer agony.  It felt like my belly was on fire and the bloating extended the abdomen while the sharper pain radiated into the liver and through the kidney.  I couldn't get comfortable and ended up in the kitchen leaning into the counter and jogging my feet in place... much like I did while in labour with my children.  Deep belly breathing..... calming down slowly.  The tears dried up.  More tums and two glasses of warm boiled water and continual visits to the washroom finally helped to relieve the pain enough to sit upright in bed and fall asleep.... at around 3:45am.  I call it my night in hell.... alone for the exception of the pets who just watched me move from room to room clutching my side and expanding belly.  I am not easily frightened....this was one of those moments where I can honestly say I was terrified...

Saturday has started slowly with puttering to clean up the house.  Mitchel has texted to tell me they are on their way home.  They should be home by dinner.  I am just finishing up the laundry and cleaning up while blogging.  I am still really tired but OK.  So this was my week by myself.  

WELLSPRING - is a free support service for cancer patients and their supporters.  Yoga, Art Therapy and many other services to give women and men an opportunity to connect with others and take time out for themselves.  

.... the online commentary game....

This week I noticed an article on Business Week with regards to Monsanto.... you know, the makers of DDT, PCB's and who are now creating GMO seeds....

..... so, I learned a lot about online commenting.  There are those who are called Trolls or Shills... people whose soul purpose is to create controvery on online forums while sometimes getting paid to do so.  They quote articles they have sourced online to back up their points, they often times use sarcasm and 'humour' to rile up anyone who would challenge them.....

....... so, I riled a few of them.... I wanted to know what exactly they were all about and I had some interesting responses.

Michael - with enough banter I was able to discern this young man as being a bored high school student who thought it was hysterically funny to throw out casual insults throughout the internet on various topics from vaccinations to Monsanto.  When he was flailing in his arguments, I simply cast the net and used his own tactics against him.... he was not amused and when I finally nailed him with re-posts of his from many of the sites he had been on... his only retort was that I had no sense of humour.  According to what I could learn of him through my research... his parents immigrated to the States.  So this is how he shows respect to the adoptive country he now calls home and to the people whom live in it??  This is the better life his parents wanted for him??

Rob - This individual is intelligent and I got the feeling that there was something within his posts that were sensitive, almost defensive..... with poking, I learned that he came from a poor farming past and that his distinct belief and trust in advancing GMO technology was what was fueling his posts... he thought I wanted to live in the past where all farming continued in the old ways and back to a very difficult existence.... he couldn't have been more wrong.  I am anti-Monsanto, not advancing technologies unless of course they continue to splice animal/insect DNA into our food and then I have an issue with that.  He spent more time throwing websites, quotes and opinions at me to support his beliefs.... and in one site, when it appeared he was losing an argument he replied that he was at least getting paid $1 per post by Monsanto.  Whether he is or he is not... the internet is not forgiving according to the fellow he complained openly to about me pointing this out..... we ended our debate amicably and respectably.  I have learned much from this individual about presenting an argument and debating it.... and also learning to think twice before posting once.  

Hyper____ - this guy is interesting and I get the sense that he is very intelligent, blended with an open mind but firm in his convictions.... he is also sensitive.  It took insults and poking to get to the real deal with him - I needed to know where exactly he stood in his beliefs with respect to GMO's and Monsanto without the constant barrage of quotes and condescending remarks.  It turns out he lost a sister to cancer recently and this revelation took us in a different direction immediately.  I apologized for poking him and gave my deepest condolences.....but I truly needed to understand his strong rebuttles against those of us who were anti-Monsanto.  He doesn't support Monsanto but supports GMO in order to simplify farming and create a better environment - that I understand.  We were able to communicate a few more times... and this time with respect and kindness towards each other.... perhaps one day we will banter on another forum.

Elizabeth..... sweet, young and naive.... thinking that big companies were making developments for the soul purpose of advancing and bettering our society.  She makes statements that are not well researched and based on her own limited knowledge.... she makes up the majority of people posting on these sites.... She states what her credentials are but they don't necessarily match what is stated on her profile.... it's a defense mechanism used to tell me she has more knowledge than she does.  When pressed, she calls me nasty.... I tell her to firm up her point of view.... later, she changes her name to protect her identity.  It has taught me to carefully research before posting... Elizabeth/Jane has learned that lesson the hard way.

Chris - a random disrespectful comment "people get cancer and die..... and that is that"  I carefully considered his statement after another one he posted where he calls me a few choice names.... I respond after researching his insecure FB account with "Naval Rescue Swimmers drown.... and that is that.  This lesson above all I think was the most important one....if you post ignorant name-calling posts, make sure you set your security settings on FB so people cannot just obtain your information and use it..... and really, don't post anything you wouldn't want your military boss to read when you are slamming civilians on an open forum without merit or respect.

The site Disqus, of which I am now a member of, does not allow you to retract statements published... and, as Rob discovered, things said in a heated retort can have an unexpected backlash.  There are many people with opinions that attack and demoralize others and it is really easy to get caught up in the melee.  Some are looking for approval in how many 'upvotes' they get with random snipe attacks on the unsuspecting as Michael and Chris does....they just look for reactions to start an argument.  There are those that likely get paid to post and often encourage through prodding to continue the conversation until either or both of you look incredibly stupid.  There are those, like myself, who will apologize for being inappropriate and continue the debate respectfully, using my own name (means I have to own what I say) and will stand my ground when attacked from behind. 

It is truly an art to communicate on any of these forums... remember.... 

1. State  your opinion - back it up if need be with published accreditied reports, keep it simple and to the point.

2. Generalized statements will always get you into trouble.  Only speak of things you know or have experienced first hand.  My brother's Uncle's best friend's wife........NO!!

3. Do not respond to reply posts that are insulting unless you want to battle it out... from an outsider's point of view... you both look moronic if you lower yourself  to their level (which is easily done).  

4.  Ask for clarification - if you do not understand a response to a post you made or others, feel free to ask for more detail.  Be polite and they will in turn be polite back.

5.  Know your opponent - scan other posts, how many posts and how they treat others online.  Often if they are really antagonistic, it is best to just post a link without opinion.

6.  Your opinion is Public!!! Once you put your opinion out there... you often can only edit it at best.  Make sure you do not respond emotionally and if you do.... read it twice before posting.

7.  You are likely not an expert - so don't give yourself more 'credentials' than what you have.  Elizabeth claimed she was a historian...but with a little research, she is a librarian who likes to read history... a buff and a Historian are clearly not one and the same.  As she quickly found out...she lost respect and credibility.

8.  The internet does not have all the answers... and yet, link after link is posted and some are heatedly disputed.  Make sure you have links to Scholarly papers that have merit and read the entire thing... because your opponents will to disprove the paper you have wasted their time referring them to.

9.  Set your limits - an article with opinion streams lasts only a few days.... like a conversation, it has a beginning, middle and end.  State your opinion, back it up and let others add to the conversation.

10.  It's not personal unless you want it to be - it is a conversation with strangers, so if someone says something and someone else adds to it in a derogatory manner, you can choose to respond with the same ammunition or choose to learn how to difuse the situation with maturity.... really hard to do but great practice.  You can also choose to re read what you wrote to see if it was misinterpreted or you were being antagonistic.  Prodding and pushing buttons can sometimes bring surprising responses as it did in my case and using the situation to take the positives.  

11.  Thank your opponent - often we learn from every interaction we involve ourselves in either good or bad.... if the conversation was terse and both opponents were heated, thank them for their enthusiasm and strong beliefs... they will appreciate knowing that it really was argued with good intentions.  Two antagonists I battled with online I now follow and ending the conversation with compliments and best wishes really made it enjoyable.

12.  If this puts you in a bad mood.... because they do not see your point of view.... then this is not for you.  Move on and find something else to do.

13.  Your sense of humour - may not convey well online and may well get you into hot water.  

14.  Clean up your act and act accordingly - Remember what you put out on the internet stays on the internet and becomes public property.  Any boss or prospective employee can find out what kind of person you are simply by looking for your comments on public forums. 

15.  Do you really know who you are chatting with? - we warn our children all the time about online strangers and yet we go online and make friends, combat on forums and share personal information... which later could come back and haunt you.  Keep to the topic... unless you feel it is absolutely necessary.  My cancer journey is public and I share some minor details if the disussion warrents it.  Most people respond well if they understand you come from a good place...its all in how you express yourself and since you do not know who you are speaking with... be respectful.  

For the uninitiated, it is a great way to learn communication skills and to make your voice heard.  With some people, I will just post a link with no comments to avoid any antagonistic and personal responses... remind yourself that while your friends and family love your sarcastic sense of humour... tend to one... it doesn't translate well to someone who doesn't know your twisted sense of humour.  I enjoyed my first real foray into online discussions... I might have a few bruises but I also have learned so much doing so!! 

.... a wonderful day for a walk...

.... you just never know what adventures or people will come your way....

Lydia and I just wanted to do something together yesterday.  Max suggested we head out on our bikes to Springbank Park.... I am not so sure my body can handle a trip down and back so we decide to take the car and park it near the community center off Wonderland Rd.  We noticed a couple walking their dog a few meters behind us as we stepped across the bike/pedestrian path and began our walking trip.  Along the way I would eat berries growing along the path and wonder at the surging river from the previous days of torrential rainfall.  Lydia wanted nothing to do with the berries and kept questioning if I knew what I was doing???  I have to chuckle and at the same time be grateful for all the forced 'marches' as a kid when my parents would point out all kinds of things to us kids.  She berated me for stopping and squishing a pair of Japanese Beetles as if I would intentionally embarras her?? 

A few hundred meters from the beginning of the paved bike/pedestrian path is a bridge that crosses over the river and curves around the parking lot of a Golf Course.  The tree that stands beside the pathway is a behemoth of a structure reaching a height of what I can only estimate to be in excess of 60 feet..... the trunk dwarfs the car parked a few meters away.  We crane our heads and I snap a picture of the canopy high above us making us feel like ants below it.

 

We cross back over the bridge and Lydia notices that the concrete has rusty markings criss-crossing the surface and I explain to her that it is the iron stucture beneath the bridge that has leeched through... I try to go down the embankment to look under the bridge and manage to slip a few feet.  Lydia is concerned that I may have hurt myself and demands that I return to her immediately... the couple that was behind us has stopped and I can hear the concern in the man's voice when he asks if I am OK.  "Yes thank you"... He mentioned something about being over 50 and not being able to do what we think we can.  I have to smirk and reply that I was thinking the very same thing.  We began to talk and walk along the path together.  The pain in my sternum and adjoining ribs are warning me to not do that again.

The couple come here often to walk with each other and to take their dog Walter with them. Lydia is loving their friendly pug-cross and follows him to give him a little pat.  The husband mentions that there is an upside-down shopping cart ahead and peaks our curiousity as to why there is a cart surrounded by four construction cones adjacent to the walking path.  We all inspect the cage and read the sign that tells us that turtle eggs have been layed here, well off the bank of the swollen river.  Wow!!!  They even have pictures on their cell phone of a tiny painted turtle cupped in the hand of their daughter from a previous visit.  

Lydia and I continue up ahead, with me still eating the berries along the path and admiring the old willows with burls that look like warts everywhere on the trunks and large branches....  I ponder as to the age of these trees?

We head along admiring the fast moving murky river and notice a culvert on the right hand side and some really tall plants..... the couple is just feet behind us and asks if it is a Hogweed (a noxious non-indigenous weed that is dangerous to touch its sap - can cause blindness and burns to exposed skin and eyes).... I have never seen one up close .... not sure that I want to...... but a quick seach on the internet on my phone indicates its a real possibility... The London Free Press has a picture of a blooming one in today's paper warning people to not remove the plant themselves lest they get the sap on themselves which can cause serious burns and even blindness.....I will have to visit the park again to take pictures when it blooms.

Up ahead are more cones and an orange frost fence complete with a sign that indicates the walkway is closed.  We can see workers up ahead but decide to stop and chat.  Lydia inspects under the cones to see if there are any turtles... no, but she checks again anyway and then plants herself beside Walter giving him some attention.  We formally introduce ourselves and the topic turns to the wife's cancer diagnoses and chemo last year.... I had chemo last year too, I tell her... that's when I realized she had a pink ribbon tattoo on her forearm..... Two unrelated women, born months apart, both 50 with similar stories of diagnosis... what are the chances???  I don't believe in chance meetings... this was meant to be.  We began to chat, her and I about our journey and where we were at.  She admires my daughter for being so accepting of my journey.... her youngest is struggling in her late teens with her mother's diagnosis.  We continue to walk together and Lydia hangs with Mark and their dog chatting amicably with him.  We both feel very comfortable sharing and chatting as we take a dirt path to the beginning where we first noticed them and their dog.  We bid each other well, I shake Mark's hand and give Ingrid a hug.  If you should need me anytime, please let me know.  Lydia and I will continue alone to get an ice cream cone while they head off in another direction but not before connecting through FaceBook on our iPhones.

Lydia continues to chat to me as we head towards the river and to the ice-cream stand.  It is a rare treat for me, so with a few small scoops in hand, we saunter over to an empty picnic table overlooking the rapidly rushing waters of the muddy Thames River... we sit on the table snuggled in together and just chatting about our recent experience and grateful for the encounter.  Lydia is such a gift with her joyful and poignant insight into our lives together....She hugs and kisses me "I really love you mom" she says as she licks at the dripping moosetracks icecream.  "and I really love you too Miss Lydia".  We sit there watching a stick rush by, carried by an incredible volume of water. 

Its time to head out and we will go and pick up some produce at a local growers stand.  I keep thinking that its getting late in the afternoon and that maybe we will just head to the grocery store.... sometimes I should really listen to my inner voice.... after purchasing our veggie needs, we head back towards home on the highway leading up to a main London road when all of a sudden, out of a side street, a car pulls out in front of us.  I don't have time to brake so I have to pull out onto the paved shoulder and speed by to make it around him... of course blaring the horn.  He speeds up and pulls up to the back of my car and I step on the brake to get him to back off.  He chooses to speed through traffic to once again find his way behind me only this time to take a picture of my plate and to flip me a nasty grin.  I roll back to block my plate from his vision.  The light changes and I try to weave around a few cars to get away from him and see that he has fallen once again in line behind me.  He follows me when he turns at the light into a drive lane leading to a parking lot.  Well that just did it for me.  I stopped the car, pulled the brake (standard car) and walked towards his car that had pulled in behind me.  I was hopping mad and telling him to get lost... bad enough you cut me off but now you are following me... I have a child in my car whom you put in danger (thats about the jist of it).... so he pretends to talk to his cell phone like a coward after trying to intimidate us!!!!  I stomp back to the car and drive around trying to lose him.... I park and Lydia and I head into the grocery store but a few hundred feet into the store and I get a bad feeling so we head out to see him walking in our direction.  I have a picture of his plate parked 20 feet away from our car..... 

We head back home and make a scrumptious dinner of our fresh finds.  After dinner we head out to shop at Giant Tiger for some cottage wear for Lydia..... she is an excellent shopper - she knows just what she wants and busies herself finding a swimsuit, shorts and tops.... and a lovely dress.  She is just so grown up these days and I am proud of her for knowing what she wants and for the confidence she exudes in her daily life.  I catch a glimpse of me in the reflection of a dressing mirror.... egads, do i really look like my mother these days. Somehow, the view of myself never seems to match how I perceive myself??? Lydia will tell me later that the lighting is yellow and not face friendly.... where does she get all this info??   Oh yes, from all the make-up sites she finds on YouTube.  

Ruth finds us rummaging around the clothes racks and we give her a squeeze.... then Kevin calls (next door neighbor and friend) while we are chatting and I have a chance to say hello!!!  Ruth escorts us through the aisles as we pick out sales items for our pantry shelves.  It has been a long day and we hug her and head out.  Lydia reaches up to give me a peck as we navigate the bumpy roadway with the cart to our car.   I adore you Lydia and I know you will make a great mommy some day.  We hop in the car and she reaches over to kiss my cheek and rub my head... "Thanks Mom" she says with a broad happy grin.  I look over and into her eyes... "no, thank you baby".  We hold hands when I drive in between shifting gears.  Life is good.

Thank you to Mark and Ingrid for being such a special part of our day....it has been many years since we have been back to Springbank park and it could not have been better timing....as if it was meant to be alll along.  We hope to spend some time with you both soon. xo

......Go on without me.......

...... while I attend my medical CT scan in the middle of the family vacation.......

Max's sister and brother in-law are hosting a family get-together at his parent's cottage for the first time in the 16 years I have been with my husband.  The cottage is a long drive from here and the itinerary has been emailed to everyone..... for the week of the 21st of July....... I am sure its just an oversight despite the fact we have known about my appointment on July 23rd since mid April.  I let my inlaws know that I will not be attending the first event that is a 5-6 hour road trip for our family .... inside I am thinking a possible first and last for me and I won't be able to make it even to the first one.  I will choose to stay behind and care for the pets and house while mine and my husband's family gets together..... a cancer life can be painfully lonely even with family..... I wish we had gone with a previous idea of booking one closer to us.... 

The fact that my illness has often times left me out on the sidelines of family life....this just feels a kick to the face......while it may not have been intentional, that thought doesn't take the sting out of feeling dejected.  I try to convince myself that I would just be a drag to everyone sitting on the dock or in a chair doing absolutely nothing when I could be at home canning my ripening tomatoes for 8 hours over a hot stove by myself.  There have been many moments in this journey where I feel alone and apart from others.....this just makes it real.  I try not to entertain the notion that I might not be here for the second annual event...if there is one.  I want to cry but I'm afraid I might not stop.  I feel like I am being punished for being ill. 

I head back upstairs to lay down while Max readies himself for the day... I have been awake for most of the night listening to the sound of thunder and seeing the flashes light up the curtains.  I am tired and feeling out of sorts.  He crosses the room and lays next to me and the first tear escapes and rolls down my face.... I tell him that I have sent out an email letting his sister know that I will not be going to the cottage and asking him to just go without me.... he wants to know if its possible that I might not want to be there visiting with his sister.... the thought had crossed my mind..... and likely that would be the biggest reason why I won't travel the 5-6 hours so I can sit in an adirondack chair next to her to hear once again about how my "cancer is no big deal" or to be asked what my clothes size is..... or some other such insensitive commentary.  

He heads downstairs after giving me a kiss and a pat on the back.....I turn over and pull myself out of bed... I am sore these days and today exceptionally tired.  I convince myself to just get going anyway but sit there taking a moment to reflect....we had discussed with our inlaws for the past while to consider renting a cottage where everyone could meet that was close enough to us for obvious reasons.....after 16 years of being married to Max and never ever being invited to the cottage before... its suddenly became a planned family vacation for everyone during the one week in the summer that I need to be here..... I really try to take the high road but as I pondered some more... I have to own the anger brewing inside me....  it's time to get up and putter around.

I head out to the garden and pull weeds, squish shitty cucumber beetles and try not to cry.... the overcast gloomy skies are not helping my attitude and later when Kirsten calls... I will jump on and off the pity train and then decide its not worth mulling over any more. I confirm to myself that I really wouldn't want to have to sit in an adirondack chair playing pretend nice for the better part of a week when all I want to do is smash her square in the face with a well placed fist!!!  There, I finally said it.....feel better.....not much.....I hate feeling these feelings.....its so not me.  I think Kirsten has a point.... we used to as kids tell our siblings anything and everything we wanted them to know that bothered us about them.... and now, we just quell the desire to just break loose simply in part by ingrained niceties that keep us all from punching each other in the face..... I will stay home and just putter and hope my family is having a wonderful time.... without me..... 

I am still feeling moody.... sitting in the back yard watching a woodpecker eating seeds from a birdfeeder when it gets slammed from behind by another woodpecker.... yah buddy... know how you feel.  This morning I rescued a mouse swimming in our pool... he was on his last strokes when I pulled him free using the net.  I simply put him back under the fence where I was sure he travelled from when he came upon the pool... and because the cat was out looking for a place to pee nearby... OK that's the story i'm sticking to.  The thunder tolls every once in while as the clouds thicken.... I wonder how William is making out in Winnipeg with the flood relief job the platoon was bussed out to help with.  The thunder is now deepening its retort and I am sitting under a metal umbrella typing while waiting for the lightening..... reminds me of a story about my neighbor Rudy from our last house.  

     Rudy, bless his soul, lived in the aluminum clad house kitty corner to my house.  Each time a thunder storm would roll in, I would sit on my covered porch and watch Rudy struggle with the aluminum ladder and place it firmly so that it sat just above the eaves... the aluminum eaves.  I would yell out 'Hey, lightening rod Rudy!!!!'  He would just turn and wave and continue to remove debris from the leaves in the eaves while lightening flashed overhead.  I often cringed waiting to hear the telltale snap of a bolt that met up with Rudy rummaging about.  Ironically, two houses were hit a few blocks away... but not Rudy.  Rudy Meyer was a rough exteriored Dutch man who survived the worst part of the war and eventually would come to Canada as a young man.  I have only known him as a cranky old man who eventually gave up trying to scare me away and would just hug the stuffings out of me.  I suppose it was in part because I wouldn't take his shit and he learned to give me less and less over the ensuing years when he became too sick to mow his own lawn and I would do it for him.  He was even grateful, in his own way, when I had Max rebuild the back stoop before he could fall again.  I am sure I saw tears...

     Rudy eventually had a heart problem that led him to go to University Hospital to have surgery and he was not quite right, his partner Sharon would tell me on the way to a visit one particular afternoon just after his surgery.  We got to his room and I looked around.  "Sharon, did you happen to leave a set of outside clothes for Rudy and his wallet?"  She replied, "why yes, of course, he insisted".... of course he 'insisted'... I headed down to the nurses station to report him as missing and likely already on his way home from the hospital.  The nurse just looked at me.  "I worked security and that was one of my jobs... you need to put out an APB, he is likely travelling by cab, foot or bus....  She picked up the phone and called security... and yes, he was nowhere to be found.  I let her know I would bring him back when I locate him.... the nurse frowned and called a local cab company.  I headed out with Sharon on a path I figured he would travel and asked her to keep an eye out.  A few miles down the road we spotted him chatting with someone from the sidewalk which i pulled up onto and parked.  "Well Rudy, come on, lets go".  He followed us to the van but threw a temper and kicked the back of my seat until I conceded to turn the van around and head home.  "OK Rudy, but after you visit with puppy and have your tea, you will need to be taken back... deal??"  I spun around to see a very pouty old man with his arms folded tightly and nodding yes.

       Rudy would eventually be diagnosed with lung cancer, somewhat beat that after yet another surgery and then finally, near the end, he was diagnosed with liver cancer.  He went senile before the end... I ran into him in the cancer unit on one of my check ups and he didn't know who I was.... after almost 18 years of knowing him.  I still miss the cranky bastard!!

Max and I talk about the planned vacation to the cottage later in the evening...I remind him that in 16 years of marriage, we have never been asked to join his sister at her inlaws cottage EVER.... then suddenly, plans are in place and voila... .cottage week is in the ONE week that I cannot attend even though we knew about my CT scan 3 months ago.  Max finally concedes that he spoke for both of us and made a mistake about the time....it doesn't help that I feel left out, ignored and now just resigned to the fact that I don't feel important.  The weather continues to misbehave in direct reflection of my thoughts.... I choose to sleep in the spare room convincing myself that its because I need to move about to get comfortable... but I know better than that....I punch my pillow square in the middle and simply fall asleep....

A week of reflection... and yes, a little planning...

I have some downtime now that the school year is officially over for high school students.  There are opportunities to volunteer this summer for new technology based daycamps which I will consider participating in.  For now, I am puttering endlesly (and loving it) in my urban garden.  It is easy to get lost in weeding, photographing and blogging on a passion for growing and learning new techniques.  

This week saw the passing of a friend's mother Lynda, who tirelessly devoted her time, love and energy into her grandchildren and volunteering at the LRCP.  You will be dearly missed by all whose lives you touched.  She died of a massive heart attack and her brave eldest grand daughter re-started her heart in time for the arrival of the paramedics....that is a testament to good parenting!!!  Dana, Glen and the kids.... our hearts and prayers are with you all at this time.

The funeral was on Monday and I chose to spend the time with my Mother after already planning to speak to her about her and Dad's funeral arrangements.  Her friend Fred was showing me a list of charges that he paid for his wife's cremation.... so what did he get for just over $7,000??  Well, her ashes are still sitting in a velvet bag in his room.  For just two days of obituaries in the paper..... was $1,000 dollars???????  The box she was cremated in was just over $400.... and the list goes on.  So I went online and chose the basic cremation with ashes presented in a free plastic container... with no service, no expensive announcement cards, obits in the paper and it came to $2300.  I then contacted an online Urn company and came up with some really neat ideas for what I thought was appropriate...

ECO PODS - these little charming pods are made for either storing ashes or directly planting them in the ground where they will bio degrade.  They are $15 per pod.  I particularly love this idea... and it will neatly feed a lovely rosebush planted right above it.  If your family wants a keepsake Kree (small urn) or jewelery to hold a tiny amount of ashes.. then that too would be a lovely touch.  Depending on the amount of ashes... you could have them sent to Switzerland to have them compressed under extreme pressure to make an 8 faceted diamond... to the tune of about $2700.  Even this last option with the cremation would have been cheaper than my friend Fred's wife's funeral. Of course the most inexpensive route is to donate your remains which will then be cremated and returned to next of kin for free.

I have decided to go with the Eco Pod and a little locket to hang from the wall or a Christmas tree... depending on the season.... as a reminder that I am always close by.

Thelma has a seizure.... as I am texting a friend and HOLY CRAP, she just keels over sideways and flops onto her back where I catch her eyes rolling up into the back of her head!!!  I yelled so loud that she simply rolled back over and stood up.  Poor Max came tearing up the stairs just as I began to tearfully cradle her in my arms.  She just ambled over to her sleep pillow in the corner and went to sleep as if nothing had happened.  Of course this gets posted on FB and low and behold.... I have some pretty twisted friends who though my posting was pretty funny...looking back, I guess it was kind of comical..... after all, I did yell loud enough to wake the dead or prevent Thelma from going skyward. I remember yelling at my Dad when his eyes rolled into the back of his head a few years ago on his way skyward.... only he didn't return until he touched the ceiling.... I now wonder how loud I really am... please reserve comments.

My Mom's dog has now started peeing in the dining room and is completely oblivious to the not so happy glare.  All the animals in this house are reaching the same age...O-L-D... and I am sure we will be saying good bye to at least one this year.  Despite removing the neuroblastoma from Thelma's paw... I believe she has one in her belly as well..... sigh.  She is a great dog and so loving.  

OK, now that we have all the 'morbid' items on this week's blog... and after Max has been elected to bury the baby bunny that looks suspiciously like it has been mauled by our cat who walks nonchalantly past me when I opened the sliding door before coming upon the evidence.  Max buries the bunny next to the compost pile........great.....no Max, no worries honey... you did a great job.  Personally, I would have had a quick burial across the street where once a city tree stood before being mauled by the unpleasant occupant of the house.  

Since we are talking about wildlife... Monday, while minding my business watching the electrical crew through the backyard on the street behind us... a large shadow approached our backyard and HOLY Freakin' COW..... its a big Heron come to visit our pond!!!!  Only it sees me waving frantically and yes, calling Max (good thing he works at home undisturbed by his wife who is now home full days) to come check out the big bird landing on the roof.  He manages to meander up the stairs to see me relocating our King Fisher statue to let big bird know, we already have a solitary pond predator.  He does not see the quickly departing Heron as it soars overhead to find a quieter fishing hole.... I am sensing a theme this week.... yelling for Max.... and then today....

...... yelling AT Max... Passport Picture Day.... happens at Shopper's Drug Mart where we likely paid more than Costco and which took the girl behind the camera about 25 shots to try and catch a pic of Lydia without the demonic red eye look.... you would think with the $4 extra they charge, they could afford a camera with red eye reduction... finally after many many many attempts, we got what might pass for a good picture.... and then we got home.  I asked Max for the pictures after I had filled in all the information on the sheets and he said he gave them to me in the store.... No, the young lady gave me the receipt and you paid for it which means you should have them in your possession.  Apparently, after dumping my purse out.... I should have done this a long time ago.... there was so much unnecessary hand wipes, kleenex, wrappers etc but alas no pictures.  "Call Shoppers"  I glared at him after having a loud melt down. He was on the phone and then he was gone from the driveway... it seems he left the photos on the counter of Shoppers.  A sheepish grin upon his return and we were on our way to completing the rest of the paperwork. Tomorrow we go to submit it and pay what amounts to being a lot of money for 4 people!!!!  This, just in case I find myself somehow crossing the border for a shopping trip...or two over the next few months.

Kale Kale.... and more Kale

I have grown so much Kale that I am now looking for takers on this veggie... I do juice it but sometimes it causes spasms in my liver.... I still like it but now I need to cook it.  I really prefer eating raw.  So tonight I had to remove about 12 plants to make room for the ever expanding squash growing on either side of the trellis in the Kale and Beet bed.  I juice every morning so I think I will just have to juice the Kale anyway.  I do have some takers for plants and leaves.....enough to feed the whole neighborhood.  I am thinking that instead of having a yard sale this weekend, we should build a veggie stand and just sell to whoever meanders by!!!!  The peas taste yummy and are almost ready to harvest the first crop.  Tomatoes are beginning to grow well and I should have my first crop of these in about 2 -3 weeks.  Yummy, can't wait to make salsa... and the peppers are growing fast as well.  The sweet yellow banana peppers have grown overnight.  

Graduation

My eldest son William has officially received his Artillary cap badge and entry into one of Canada's oldest regiments on Monday 23rd of June, 10 months after entering bootcamp.  He is pictured here with his cousin Chelsea who ironically moved to this base last summer.  I am so glad he had his amazing cousin to share his really special day and of course, his new gal pal.  I am so incredibly proud of my son and the dedication and hard work he has shown all along in his military career.  xoxoxo

so, how am I doing these days??

 I am taking each day as it comes.  Some days are great and filled with energy and some days this week have been challenging.  I decided on Sunday, since I wasn't feeling up to heading out to the local ball diamond for a game, I would spend some quiet time with my Dad at the nursing home....

..... I stepped into his room after looking around for him.  He was laying on his bed with a blanket half pulled over him and lightly dozing.  I spoke quietly to him and his eyes fluttered open.  He stared at me and then slowly it occured to him that somehow he knew me...."oh, hello there".  "Hello Dad", I responded back.  I gently helped him to sit upright on his bed and then pulled a chair around for him to sit on.  He needed some help getting into his chair but once there, he cracked a grin and thanked me for coming.  I always try to bring him a coffee and a treat.  Today he has two cookies and a coffee... he forgoes the coffee and says it tastes bitter.  He is missing so many teeth and the remaining ones are decorated with what looks like breakfast and last night's dinner.  I will have to return to brushing his teeth when I visit.  He smells slightly of urine.... or rather his bed does.

I am feeling mixed emotions of relief that he looks great and of guilt for not visiting him more regularly.  The tears start and I try to catch them.  Dad has already welled up and tells me how excited he is to see me.  I ask him about his children and he is lucid when he says how much he loves each of us.  This is a rare moment in his Alzheimer's journey and I get parts of it on my iPhone video recording. Part-way through the recording, he 'sees' a dog and calls it to him by smacking his lips together in a repeated kiss.  The mind is an amazing hard-drive that once in a while coughs up a long-ago bit of memory and plays it for its keeper.  His faraway look and the quick smile when the 'dog' he has been calling sits beside him for a pat.  He strokes the arm of the chair and touches my hand in the process which brings him back to the present moment.  'Oh, excuse me' he says.  I reach over and pet the back of his retreating hand and he looks at me.  He is blind in one eye and the other one sees so very little.  His once strong powerful fingers are bent in various directions and too much pressure will cause him pain.  He smiles and he eyes fill when I tell him I love him.

An Alzheimer's patient can react strongly in response to pain or other stimulii that can change a peaceful conversation into a hellish ordeal.  That sweet little old guy can smash you in the face in seconds and without warning and all as a response to certain stimulii or memories.  I am always careful and speak quietly to my father at a level he is comfortable with.  He does not like to be told what to do or have anyone raise their voice to him or show impatience.  I can get him to do what I need him to do through a sense of humour and lots of hugs.  He loves to laugh and loves to have his hands held gently.  i know my father well and we have a connection which is hard to explain.... I just know him and I know what he is saying.  I know what stories to tell and which ones not to tell.... I know how to re-direct him when necessary.  

There are many moments today where I will tear up.... how is it possible that the strong resiliant father I grew up with is a mere shell of what he used to be???  He sits in an old age home that is old itself and lacks fresh air and areas to move about in.  Why can't they be large, airy and filled with plants and things to do.  I rarely see other visitors in the narrow hallways when I walk Dad around the floor, I catch the strong odor of poop at the end of one hallway and I steer my father to go back to where the odor is less invasive.  He doesn't notice the smell but later, the lady sitting near us begins to whine and the docile face of my father begins to crinkle and then he begins to verbalize his annoyance at Katherine's increasingly high pitched wail.... some time after the nurse glares, says something under her breath and then rolls her eyes at the back of her head ....time to walk away and back to his room.  I get him to go pee before I tuck him in to bed for an afternoon nap.  Time with Dad goes by fast.  Two hours of holding hands and making him laugh at my silly stories.  

I have to guide him around the toilet and help him with his pants.  They have put depends on him to catch the occassional dribble.... years ago he would have laughed if anyone told him he'd be wearing them.... reminds me of the story of his father who slathered on Neet hair removal when it first came out in the 1920's.... and guffawed that a lotion, bad smelling one at that, could possibly remove hair....  I tell my Dad that story every once in a while and he guffaws like crazy until the coughing takes over.  I could tell that and other stories time and time again and elicit the same reaction every time. 

He has always had that 'cough'.... more like clearing the throat which turns into a full cough to clear the lungs.  He has always suffered from pneumonia and pleurisy since child hood.  He had pneumonia weeks ago which is why I could not visit him then.  The modern day of medication has helped him to survive to Alzheimer's.  I grab him a kleenex to help him with his spate of throat clearing.  He smoked many years ago and quit before he married Mom.... he never took it up again....

It's time to tuck Dad in for a nap... he is tired and as I lay him down, he keeps thanking me for visiting him.  The tears start up again and I smile and kiss him on the head and cheeks in rapid fire which gets him smiling again.  God, how I love you Dad and how guilty I feel for leaving you behind in the nursing home where you will spend the rest of your lonely days there.  How is this payment for a life of hard work???  I touch his cheek with mine and whisper words of love and promises to visit soon.  He closes his eyes and a smile forms once again on his tired face.  We did talk earlier of him returning home to heaven.... we both believe in an afterlife.... he says it will be soon and that he is long in the tooth.  Part of me prays it is soon so that he doesn't have to live this way..... in his lucid moments.... he knows kinda where he is......

I step out into the sunshine and warm air......I make it to the car before the tears start to fall.  I don't want to grow old if it means ending my days in a lonely barren room with no place to go.  I look up to where his floor is.... and bid him good sleep... one where his soul can fly and be free.  See you soon.

There will be a few more times when I arrive home that I have to take time out to just cry.  

Here is a pic of me 8 months after chemo below a family pic (taken in August 2010 just 6 months after chemo).  My hair is changing colour to reflect less 'Artic Blonde' and more ash brown.  I love the curls so for now, I will keep growing out my hair... soon, there will not be any curls left so I will enjoy them when I can. 

Some days, like today, I am in some pain... not bad but annoying.  Today it is in my right chest - beginning at the sternum and into the right underarm, then through to the back... I am assuming at this point that all the vitamins and tinctures are helping to drain the lymphatic system.  I have pain in the areas around the chest and underarms that have lymph nodes but this could be a guess.  Most days are good and I have little pain in the liver as compared with a month ago.  

I putter each day to keep the body moving but today is a down day where I am doing paperwork and preparing for September's teaching load.  I figure if I do it on my down days... I should be done everything in time for start of school.  I plan ahead... always have and just in case - I have all my notes at the ready and online for my students, including a week by week on my FOL blog to use as a guide.  I pray that I will be healthy at the start of the new school year.  In a journey like this, you plan for any eventuality.... including the Will, which I still have not buckled down and finished.

Its been 6 weeks since Melina passed away.... there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  I still leave the occassional message on her FB page.... life goes on and people get busy....but I still need her to know that she is missed every day....I still leave messages for Nancy who passed away almost 5 years ago of a heart infection in her sleep.  

Sarah, her daughter Payton and Shelley made 'Relay for Life' candle bag tributes to me and put them on FB... yup, I cried.  I just can't go to any of those events anymore....I guess part of me just doesn't want to acknowledge that I am still fighting into what is now year 6....and I find it hard to read all the tributes to those who no longer live amongst us.  I do not want to be involved with anything to do with cancer groups (learned this one the hard way) because I do not define my life through my illness...I am not brave....just someone trying to make the best of a not so fortuitous situation. My time is valuable and I choose to spend it with my family and friends who love and care about me and doing things that bring me joy.

Saturday I went to visit my friend Millie...we met as fellow paddlers and became friends.... she has had a stroke and her left side just won't cooperate...she is now a patient in a local hospital going through physio and trying to get some use of her limbs.  She is wonderful and always offers a smile... we chat about the times in the boat when I would get in trouble for laughing or talking.... that was three years ago.  What a crazy life when you join a group for support and fun and end up paddling for an ex-olympian hopeful spending valuable time away from family only to be caught up in drama.... sheesh, what a year that was.  I was lucky to have walked away with some truly special friends. I learned that the illness didn't rob me of my self-esteem and that stress of that magnitude only serves one purpose...to create more illness.  Kisses and hugs for you Millie and sending you lots and lots of love as you heal from yet another bump in your life's journey.... hope you heal super fast!!!!

This week, Mitchel's 19 year old friend has been diagnosed with Stage 1 Pancreatic Cancer..... sigh...it just never ends.....I am wishing Eric all the very best.

Tomorrow is Lydia's 12th birthday.... wow!!!  I am so excited to be celebrating her special day with her. Well, it's time to head into the kitchen and help make the cupcakes for her classmates tomorrow.

check out our urban garden...

http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca