..... radiation into week 2....

..... will only involve the liver this week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I had three last week on the same days plus the neck radiation every day.  The 'finger pain' has subsided and I can now touch my neck.  The sternum is still sensitive to the touch and until last night, I was unable to find a comfortable postition for sleeping.  

Sunday brings my wonderful sister-in-law Debbie and her lovely children Brooke and Ethan.  She spoils my children!!!  Oma and Grandad are also visiting and while we were all sitting around, William called!!  A regular family reunion!!!  It is so good to see all of them. Debbie, we don't see as often as we want to so we are hoping to head up to visit them in the summer.  I wasn't feeing well but certainly way better when they all arrived!!  Xoxoxoxox. Thank you for always being so loving and sweet. 

Today I saw my medical oncologist after my treatment.  He asks me if I can feel my lump still.  Yes I can.  It has popped above the clavicle and feels like a hard marble.  Apparently it is supposed to feel softened.  Well, this one still feels hard.... and I am pretty sure that it is just slighty smaller.  He tells me that I will have a CT scan in 4 weeks with contrast to see what is going on.  My liver?  Well, it feels full on the right side just under the rib cage.  Dr. Locke explains that the liver can eventually grow new tissue over the lesion completely covering it.  He reminds me that there were only two lesions found in the last CT scan... he is hoping, as am I,  that there are no more lesions.  I know he has to be optimistically careful.  The bottom line here is optimistic, something I have always been.  I am just deeply grateful for this opportunity.

I am in the kitchen talking to Max about my appointment.  He wants to know as well why the lump has not subsided or softened.  All my research and consultation with the doctor would indicate that it might be swollen from the blast it took from the high level of radiation.  This should resolve itself over the next few weeks as the cells continue to die.  The finger like protrusions of the tumor should separate from its anchor point on the carotid artery once this begins to happen.  As I am explaining this to Max I tug gently on the lump and can feel a pop under my fingers.  The feeling is remarkable and frightening at the same time.  OMG what if I just ripped it out of the artery and I start bleeding?????  Max doesn't see anything but I hold my breath anyway and my imagination goes wild.  If the tumour had stayed, that is what it would have eventually done but Geez....what have I done??!!!  Deep breath, deep breath..... touching, touching.... nothing hurting, no swelling.... whew!!!  While there is still finger touch sensitivity to a few spots on the neck and sternum, but I am no longer in pain.  

I check my arm later and note that it is fine.  Lucky me that the Valient machine is programmed to be exact pin point accuracy with the radiation beam, which likely saved me from permanent nerve damage in the left arm.  I still have neuropathy in both hands from chemo but other than that, nothing to report.  While my doctor did not sound enthusiatic yesterday, I think he is just concerned  about what may come.  He and I know that the metastasis could have spread to anywhere in my body but we know that it also may not have.  Time will tell.  There will be a CT scan in 4 weeks with contrast to see what shows up.  They will be looking as well for other areas of metastasis and what is left of the tumours they radiated.  I will know the results a week later.  Then, three months after that one, I will have another one.  This one is the important test - it will definitively tell what, if any disease remains.  We will cross that bridge when we get to it!!

In the meantime..... we have a visitor from my friend Teri in the United States.  She has mailed me a Flat Stanley from a child of a friend of hers.  He arrived yesterday and has already settled in.

DAY 1 - Hailey's Flat Stanley

Copywrite:  Marita DeVries March 21, 2014

Stay tuned for more Flat Stanley Adventures!!  Today is the first day of Spring... and it is snowing!!!  All in keeping with the snow that has stayed since it first arrived in November.  We are all looking forward to spring coming soon... and it can't come fast enough!!!

...... another sleepless night....

....... I roll over onto my left shoulder and the dull roar turns into a deep pain through the shoulder and radiates across into the chest.  I shift to find a more comfortable position and am met with more pain.  I can only manage to be comfortable sitting upright.  There are so many tender spots it would be difficult to pinpoint which one hurts more when I shift again.  I get up to go to the washroom and decide that there is nothing more I can do but get up and walk around. 

Uncle Paul and Mitchel are up watching a StarTrek movie. It is 3:30 in the morning.  I put on the kettle and settle in to watch the final half hour.  The boys head up when it is done.  I cradle the warm tea and decide to watch the last Die Hard movie.  Its no use trying to get to sleep until after my early morning appointment in radiation.  I will need to get some rest before class this afternoon.  I have come to count on the feeling of deep fatigue within a few hours of treatment.  I have to learn to pace myself and do only what I have to do these next few weeks.  

I contemplate having something to eat but decide against it.  I have been a little queasy for the past few days.... it has been a bit challenging this week and I am tiring quickly. I think this next week, I will keep a low profile.  I have to conserve what little energy I have left in order to cope over the next week.  I have 4 treatments left.  This morning I had a treatment which went better than yesterday but the pain is still there.  The Radiation technician has offered to get a prescription should the pain get worse.  I am trying not to take anything but I will have to take something tonight in order to get comfortable enough to sleep.

Friday 14th March....

Today I am in to have radiation on both the neck and liver lesion.  I get cozied in for the first treatment when we all notice the machine is quiet.... it is offline and has completely shut down.  Up I get while they call the tech to come in and reset a tripped emergency stop.  I would love to watch the tech work as this is right up my alley.  The radiation technologist lets me know that I can ask the tech group if I can be there the next time they pull one apart for maintenance.... I would totally love that!!! I go back out into the waiting room until the machine is up and running.  A few minutes later, the radiation technologist comes back to call me into the suite again. I turn and wish the man in the chair a few over from me the best of luck.... his days are numbered and the yellow pallour of his skin tells me it isn't good.  He is getting radiation to keep the pain in check while the cancer continues to invade his entire body.  He was first diagnosed in his youth and as he says.."it was when I was stronger and able to handle the treatments and the illness".  But we both agree that there is ultimately a price to be paid every time you go through treatments.  He has already lost a kidney.  We have both gained an appreciation for what we do have.  It reminds me of a student the other day complaining and telling me that only bad things happen to him..... I looked at him and let him know that while he feels that way some days... he is talking to the wrong person.  He sheepishly and quietly apologized.

I can feel the heat today in both the shoulder and the liver.  I think about how grateful I am to be in this position and in this city to have this opportunity.  This trial is being monitored carefully by my medical oncologist who will meet with me after today's treatment to touch base with me.

After my treatment, I head down the hallway past the Tim Hortons to the patient examination rooms to meet up with my medical Oncologist.  The nurse steps into the examination room and goes over a few details.  Are you in any pain.  Yes.  I am having a difficulty sleeping because of the pain in the shoulder. Dr. Locke walks in a few minutes after the nurse called up to his office.  The radiation department had inadvertently booked the wrong doctor.  He is dressed in his jeans and a black sleeved cotton shirt.  He smiles at me and begins to ask me some questions based on what the nurse has conveyed to me.  What kind of pain?  Is it finger pain? ..that means that when I touch with my finger in certain spots on my neck, it elicits pain - a sharp nerve pain.  He reaches over and touches my neck and I jump.  Yup, that hurts like hell... but I tell him that it is a small price to pay if this works.  His concern is that the nerve will be permanently damaged and leave me with an arm that doesn't work.  He notes the neck is swollen and this should resolve itself a week after treatments... the lymph might not be able to drain which might expain the puffiness.  

Dr. Locke then gives me instructions on how to check for permanent nerve damage.  Fold the arms like you are doing the chicken dance.  Use your right hand and try to push the left elbow down.  We are looking for weakness.  Stretch out the hands and pull the fingers back on the left hand with the right hand - this while trying to push back with the left hand... again looking for weakness.  The last test is to continue to check the upper arm for any numbness at all.  That would involve just gently scratching the nails over the skin.  He is running through my file when I notice the CT pictures.  He shows me the first series of pics which are the cross section of the lesion in the neck.  The target of colours illustrates the level of radiation that is being applied and the safe margins.  I ask about my liver.  He flips over a few pages and shows me the lesion and the target of where the radiation pattern is.  He lets me know that the radiation specialist that planned out the radiation spent a great deal of time poring over the exact process and level of radiation that would hopefully completely erradicate the lesion.  He points to the artery that enters into the liver and branches off, only you can't see where it branches because of the lesion.  I note this as he traces the path with his finger.  If your lesion crosses this artery, the liver will essentially fail and it will be over.  It is a painful way to die.  He looks up at me and says there are no guarantees that there are no other lesions forming anywhere else and that they are only doing the two lesions that have shown up that the chemo was unable to deal with.  With cancer, you can sometimes knock out the majority of the cells but a few remain, left to grow until there are enough cells to be visible on a CT scan with contrast.

Dr. Locke indicates that a CT scan with contrast four weeks after the procedure will show how well the radiation worked.  Three months after that (one year after this 2nd journey began) another CT scan with contrast will show if there are any other lesions that have formed after chemo (which started in July 2013 and ended in October 2013) and if the current lesions have been erradicated.  If there is no lesion found on the scan, I will be declared...... holding breath.......cured. My doctor looks at me with such a cherubic grin "you know, you are different... and ... we are hoping that you will be done with this journey".  I agree on both and smile back.  I trust him with my life....literally.  I am a pragmatic woman and he knows that I had balanced all the possibilities before this part of the journey began and I am clear about what might happen to me in the short and long term.

I will be diligent in tracking the arm to see if there is any nerve damage on a daily basis.  It takes about 24 hours after treatment to see what that treatment did.  The pain in my side will subside by tomorrow.... at least I hope so.  The pain I have right now is such a small price to pay if this in fact turns out to be a cure.   I will have 2 days in between the last treatment and the next treatment.  There are only three treatments left on the schedule this coming week.

In the meantime, I will be getting ready for the college open house on the 22nd as one of the program presenters and will also be demonstrating surface mount technology in soldering techniques along with our Lab technologist Sara.  I am still working on the projects for our young girls visiting the college in May to be one of a number of women showcasing possible future career choices.  On the home front I am still working on my urban garden.  Max has come up with a design shaped like a flower with above ground boxes that form the part of the petals and a trellis in the center of the flower.  Teri, an American FB friend is sending a flat Stanley my way this week and I am excited to show 'Flat' around some of my favorite places.  This Thursday I am debating on the show 'Toe2Toe' on Rogers to be aired the following week.  I am studying and presenting as the opposition.  This is round 2 and I am hoping to win and go on.  Life for me continues while I have a parallel life as a patient.  I don't let the two cross over.  Life is short enough without having to worry about what may come.  I am living a life in the present moment.  I am enjoying the time gifted to me.  Life is simple.  

I am watching the Avengers tonight and Stark has this electromagnet sunk into his chest to prevent the shrapnel in his chest from perforating his heart.  He is always clearly aware of the imminent danger to his mortal self but yet has an amazing sense of humour, takes risks and lives his life to the fullest..... he is not just a 'superhero' but essentially what I aspire to be in my own life - knowing the danger yet willing to take the risk to gain a life worth living.

You can follow my urban garden blog on:  http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca

Please have prayers for my friend Melina as she continues her chemo journey with a new concoction.  I saw her this week entering the clinic as I was leaving... she is ill and fighting as hard as she can.  Please send her positive vibes!!!!

Next friday is the final day of my treatments and a follow up by Dr. Locke.... until then, take care of each other and live your life today and live it happy.

..... so what's it like to have radiation........

....... on a snowy stormy day in mid March!!!  What a crazy winter... yesterday we were re-potting plants  and folding seed pots on the front porch.  Today I am manoevering through driving snow which is acumulating and sticking to every surface.  I am truly grateful that a lot of people are home through the March break leaving less traffic to get snarled in on the way to work.  Today I will be going to radiation in between classes.  It is Wednesday - I will have the neck and liver done today.  I asked the lovely Radiation technologists to take pictures before each procedure.

Procedure 1 - neck lesion.  In this photo, you can just see the CT scanner as the wings folded back.  The radiation element is the circular module that faces down on the table.  The table is in the 'eject mode with the arm and head positioning arms that were set up just for me.  This ensures that my body is in the proper start position.  The technologists will do the fine tuning using measurement devices and laser guides that co-relate to the tattoos they put into my skin.  This assembly is stored in the room and will be placed on the table prior to the start of my appointment.  The table is adjustable up/down, in/out and side to side.

Here I am positioned on the table and you can see the foam leg holder.  This releases the pressure from the lower back and puts my back flat on the table.  My hand is tucked into my yoga pants to prevent it from falling or moving off the table.  It is actually really comfortable.  You can see the dark faceplate of the radiation module above my head to the left. The techs will now move the table so that the area being treated is directly under the radiation module.  The table will lift until I am just inches below it.   Inside the module through the thick tinted glass is a light with a measurement for the technologists to line up the center targets going down the middle of my chest when the apeture plates are slid all the way into the fully open position.  The techs will trace the lines cast by the laser lights and this measurement shining down to ensure proper targeting.  After the measurements are done, the apeture plates will slide into place with a mechanical sound to the starting position for my lesion.  This apeture will be adjusted a number of times through its travel to ensure it correctly directs the high energy radiation to only the lesion.  The lesion is three dimensional and these changes through rotation make sure that all of the lesion is radiated.

Procedure 2:  Radiation to the liver lesion.  Below is the head and arm form that was adjusted in the first appointment when the tattoos were put in.  It is a rugged plastic bag containing thousands of polymer balls - similar to a bean bag chair.  the valve hanging (with my name tag on it) was hooked up to a vacuum while I was laying in it and the air removed.  With the air removed, the bag is rigid.  This too is stored in the suite with the other unit for use in every appointment.  The white sheet will cushion my head making it more comfortable.  Once I am finished with this unit, the technologist will open the valve and allow the air back in.  Once disinfected, it will be used for the next patient.

I am now nestled into the form in the exact position that I was in when I was originally tattood and charted.  The CT scanner plate is seen to the left of me.  A series of CT pictures are taken before each procedure takes place to ensure that I am in the exact position each time.  Minor adjustments are made from the control room guided by the images on these scans.  The block on top of my diaphragm is monitored by a camera mounted to the ceiling and it will gauge the distance of my belly when i breath in and out.  All organs move when you breath so they will only give the radiation dose when you breath out and stay within the safe margins.  When the element is radiating you can hear a buzzing sound like a busy bee hive while it is moving in an arc above at the same horizon as the lesion.  I can hear the element shut off (quieter buzz in stand-by) and see the module stop and wait until my diaphragm drops within range and then turn on and continue in its path until the next intake of breath. Today I am very relaxed and am breathing in a way that allows the element to move smoothly.  The techs thought that was great.  I can feel heat in the exact position on my liver that the dull ache has been in for months.... weird warming feeling and I picture the bad guys exploding as their moisture turns to steam within their cellular structure.  I can picture their phalanges retracting in horror as they burst into flames.... take that!!!!!  I envision a pile of charcoal like cinders in an extinguished fireplace - inert and harmless.  It makes me feel that we are doing a great job knocking these univited intruders out of my body.  I then imagine the immune system coming to clean up the mess with their dust pans and brooms.

You can see in the picture below how the camera will see the block resting on my diaphram .... almost reminds me of an aircraft altimeter in an aircraft to let you know where you are on the horizon. This method insures that the radiation is administered to the exact position as per the set up appointment.  It takes more time to do the set up to ensure accuracy than it does to complete the radiation.  You can also see both CT elements to the left and right of the machine.  They fold outwards to allow the passage of the radiation element to move in an arc across my body and to just underneath the table I am lying on.

From start to finish, it would be almost 45 minutes.  The time shortened quite a bit now that I have learned to relax and breath... while my brain took a trip to the ocean.  I am in every day this week to do the neck lesion and every other day to do both. 

I am asking for positive vibes and prayers for my dear friend Melina as she continues to battle with her cancer.  She has been through so much and I hope to get a huge collective of positive vibes and well wishes for a successful new chemo regime for her.  I love you Melina.

..... hard not to be nervous walking back into radiation.....

.... and feeling so anxious.  Max has come with me today.  We have left early as usual to make it for the 3:30 pm appointment.  It is quiet when we arrive.  There are only a few people around near the end of the day which is in stark contrast to the mid-morning rush.  We head downstairs to the Radiation reception which is next to the small Tim Hortons. The competition is an auxilliary cart left behind by the volunteers and parked next to the fish tank. I will not be visiting with the fish tthis afternoon as I turn back to speak to the receptionist about changing some of the appointment times.  She is patient and helpful as she checks the schedule and makes the requested changes.  I explain that it is important to be with my students and she looks up and smiles at me. We are finished and I turn to then be greeted by a Radiation Technologist.  Kelly introduces herself and motions in the direction we will be travelling in.  I turn back to call to Max, who rises from the general waiting room chair he has briefly occupied and follows us into a hallway waiting room outside of the Tomotherapy suite.  

Kelly lets us know that she will be back to pick me up once I am changed.  It will only be a few minutes, but one of the radiologist's walks by with a box of dutch honey cookies that  patient has gifted the department with.  I mention that they are Max's favourite cookies and she turns, reaches into the box and grabs a package with one cookie left in it.  We laugh and smile while she moves on down the hallway.  An orderly passes us and heads to the water fountain.  He spills a little out of the cup as he walks past us again.  We joke that at least it wasn't hot coffee and he replies with a cherubic grin "at least its not beer".  He moves on and is replaced with an angry orderly quick to criticize the exiting one "must be nice to have a break... think I 'll just take one myself".... and stomps away.....

Kelly reappears into a now quiet hallway and guides me into a short angled passage past the operation booth explaining what they will be doing.  The hallway opens into a bright room and there is the Tomotherapy machine.  It doesn't look like the donut shaped machine of the pamphlet.  It has two paddles on either side of the table containing the 3D imaging CT.  Hanging over the head end of the table is a round 8" thick disk which holds the specialized radiation port.  Kelly introduces me to another radiation technologist whose name now escapes me because the thumping in my veins is now drowning her out.  The table is in the eject mode a few feet away from the business end of the machine.  The red stirrups are set up to accomodate my arms at the head end.  This unit incorporates a ridge to guide where my rear will rest.  Surprisingly, it is actually comfortable.despite how hard the table is beneath it.  The arm stirrup holds my arms and the head mount cups my head in a specific position to keep my neck stable for the procedure. The girls lift my gown up to expose the targets tattooed on my chest.  They will pull me around gently using the sheet beneath me so that the targets line up exactly.  They use magic markers to outline where the laser target land.  They will do the rest from the control room to precisely set up the machine using the CT to accurately guide the beam.  I tuck my right arm into my yoga pants to keep it stable and prevent it from sliding off the table.

The technologists leave the room and head off to the control room we passed on our way in.  The machine comes to life and the hum is audible above the coursing blood past my ear drums.  I have to find my happy place and I know I ned to just relax and allow my weignt to fall into the table just as I did when the girls were setting me up.  I look up to see the apeture plates inside the radiation module have changed to replicate the shape the beam will take.  It begins to move to make way for the CT paddles that will pull into position from their wing positions at the sides.  The table jogs mere centimeters until I am in the exact location.  A garbled voice stutters out of the speaker announcing that the radiation will begin.  I am in a technologically advanced suite and you would think they could spring for a better intercom?  The wings retract and make way for the radiation element.  It will pan at an angle to give a 3D dose of high radiation.  I am nervous and I can feel my heart hammering in my chest and the thunderous roar of the blood that it is forcing into every capilliary.  My mind decides it is time to relax and have faith.  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts..... and the blood pressure drops, deep breathing quiets the coursing blood and I envsion a little garden somewhere in Europe.  Colorful and quaint in a time long ago.... I picture traditional ladies doing the MayPole dance to celebrate the coming of spring..... my happiest moments are spent in the garden.  Earlier in the day I started a new blog and the next chapter in my life's adventure.....  http://urbangardenintheforestcity.blogspot.ca

The procedure finishes and the radiologists arrive bringing two new ones...."hello, we are the next team on shift... just another radiologist" the blonde quips and then smiles at me.  They ask me to sit in the chair while they prepare the table for the liver scan. This one is a head form made of what material I cannot say exactly.  There are grooves for holding the arms well above the head and out of the way.  The back of my head is terribly uncomfortable so the girls put a pillow case under my head to buffer my head from the rocky form.  My legs are put into a solid foam form for both procedures making it comfortable to lay down on the hard surface.  This time the radiologist places a module on my tummy.  The cameras suspended from the ceiling are aimed and will monitor my breathing.  The liver, as all organs move when you breathe making it difficult to target without this monitoring.  The radiation will only take place when I exhale and the beam will shut off when I begin to inhale. This targeting takes more time to set up.  The girls will use the side tattoos to line up the radiation machine before heading back to the control room where they will jog the table control to get it into exact location.  A quick look up to the radiation module as it swings slowly out of view confirms that the apeture has changed as the wings close on both sides.  The targeting of the beam takes longer on this procedure.  

The voices walking into the room announce that we are done for today.  I will have radiation every day this week on the neck and every other day on the liver.  Next week it will be both every other day.  There will be two more appointments, one on each friday to meet with a patient review physician... whatever that is??  The Radiologist hands me a blood requisition form and bids me goodbye.  Great, another blood test.  Max stands as I reach his chair.  I take the key out of his extended hand and grab my belongings out of the locker they were stashed in when I first arrived in Tomotherapy.  The reflection in the mirror shows a few marker lines that look like prehistoric daisies.  I smirk and head out with Max to the main floor above us and over to the blood lab beside clinic 4.  Heather is the only blood tech on and I haven't seen her in quite some time!!  Hugs and hello's as we catch up.  She will draw two vials and we talk about gardening.  I give her my blog address and continue to chat until the proceedure is over.  More hugs and its time to head out... we have closed the joint again!!  From start to finish, I have been at the radiation clinic for only 1 hour 15 minutes.

My next appointment is tomorrow morning.  I am looking forward to having lunch with Adrienne and doing some crafting in our comfy livingroom.  Its nice to see the sun out today.

.......an exciting project detracts from the pre-radiation jitters....

.......and gives me a much needed positive goal for the next few months.

I am once again looking forward to the future with renewed joy now that my urban garden project is underway with a new partner from a local recycler!!  I have to create my wish list, design and get the manpower to create a front garden in a day.  Looking outside, we still have an incredible amount of snow remaining and although the weather was above freezing and sunny.....it doesn't look like the snow will be truly gone for weeks yet to come.  Normally by now, I would have already begun the task of clearing out debris out of the garden from the winter but alas this will have to wait.  

The timing is great for starting a garden.  According to reports coming in....there has been some significant drought in the states which will significantly reduce the amount of foods which will be available and the prices will rise dramatically.  This garden will need to not only produce a daily food offering but also should help to provide a crop to preserve for the winter.  I have tons of jars downstairs and a large cabinet.  The freezer is cleaned out and ready for the early summer harvest.  

This weekend, I will have to start the next group of seedlings now that the ones that have become hardy in the little greenhouse can be moved out making room for them. The asparagus is now 6" tall and look like fernThey will be ready to harvest in 2 years.....sigh!!  I have the perfect spot in the back garden to grow these as they are an early spring vegetable. 

I spent a wonderful day with Nora on Tuesday.  We had so much catch up to do and so we started with a trip to the grocery store.  We couldn't help but giggle when we continued to be a nuisance to an elderly man who seemed to always need to get around us with his cart, no matter where we were in the grocery store.  Nora and I are two months apart in age, were diagnosed with TNBC around the same time and totally hit it off when we first met a few years ago when we joined a paddling group.  She still attends, me, I moved on.  More hugs through the aisles.  I missed you Nora.  We gather the ingredients for making Leek and Potato soup and a number of other items and head back to my house.  We chat while preparing our lunch. Max pops his head upstairs and seems disappointed that 'picking up lunch' did not include a run through a drive-thru.  He resigns himself back to the basement office while I show Nora my plants and talk about our urban garden plans.  She wants to know if she can come help out with the garden and of course I would love her to help.  The time passes quickly and before we know it.... it is time for her to go.  I know she is afraid her cancer will come back but my senses tell me no.  I love you to pieces and I will see you soon.

Wednesday afternoon I get an email from Elaine letting me know that I had mail in my department mail box.  I found a lovely card and gift certificate from some of the people in my department at work.  I was just so touched by the lovely notes written and all the well wishing for the upcoming radiation treatments.  Thank you all so very much.  I caught up to some of the conspirators in the lunch room and was able to give hugs.  I was glad to sit with Elaine and Heather at the lunch table after and show them each how to make an origami paper pot!! 

Thursday morning had me heading out the door and meeting up with my first teaching practicum Associate.  I did pop my head into the office to drop off a little tomato plant for the principal.  Its my new calling card now that I am qualified to teach in the Green Industries course of studies in the high schools.  I sign out a visitors card and head downstairs to see Brad.  He sees me enter the classroom and stands up to greet me with a big hug.  Wow, it is so great to see him.  I have brought him a few gifts and and speak to him about my latest project in early May with a group of elementary girls visiting our electronic digital lab at Fanshawe.  He asks if I wouldn't mind speaking to his grade 9 students about what I do.  Of course, I would love to.  I let the students know about our open house and to come and explore their future options.  I don't want to keep him long, so its hugs and see you soon!!!   After class, I took Lydia to Lambeth to a store called 'JayDancin' where a sweet employee helped her with all natural make-up and how to apply it....I caved and purchased her first real mineral based make-up.  She is really pretty without it, but she's a girly girl who just wanted to explore her options!!  I purchased some coconut sugar, a beeswax candle, natural deodorant and soap.  

While Lydia was getting her make-up done, I approached a woman shopping nearby and asked where she was in her journey.  It is easy to recognize a woman in the journey if you know what to look for:  Edema medical sleeve, wig and burn marks on her chest.  We talked for a few minutes and she lets me know she is finishing Radiation on the day I am beginning mine.  I wish her all the very best in her journey and she reciprocates the wishes.  She is picking up a natural salve for her burns which, while considerable, are not nearly as bad as we both agree we have seen.  

Saturday.......This weekend I am trying to get as much done before the treatments begin on Monday.... I am really trying to distract myself from thinking about Monday.  So far I have made muffins, toffee for the kids, soup and even baked beans today.  All of these from scratch.  By the time I fall into bed, I am exhausted from the running around all day..... picked up a new modem and HD box from Rogers to replace the older versions and of course to make sure we now get HBO... got to get 'Game of Thrones' when it starts next month.  I also needed to get unlimited internet now that all of us are wired all the time.  Our bills were getting crazy!!!

Sunday..... despite wanting to relax today... I have already planted some pepper seeds that I removed from a pepper a month ago, potted the celery that has grown from the base of the plant I removed when I cut the stalks off 3 weeks ago.  The asperagus has grown to almost 8 inches in the green house and the yard is nowhere ready to accept plants....matter of fact, I had to dig down into the crusty surface of the backyard garden to dump the green waste that has been piling up in bags on the back deck.  I backfilled the hole in the snow to inhibit animals from finding it.  Max is planning out the garden beds on his iPad this morning.  We are looking forward to seeing the snow leave and for work to begin.  A local recycler will be helping with some of our materials and I have a number of interested friends who want to help out this summer with tending to the garden.  I can't wait!!!!!

Tomorrow is Radiation.... the past two weeks have flown by... and while I am really nervous, I am also really looking forward to starting and getting this behind me in a few weeks.  For those interested in my urban garden and the planning process... I will be starting another blog dedicated to just that.  

..... a wonderful and beautiful arrangement arrives....

..... on a dreary cold, snowy winter's day...

I am sitting here quietly planning my urban garden in the livingroom.  Everyone is out and I am alone to finish my blog and do some creative drawing when the doorbell rings.  I am handed a flower arrangement and I am somewhat perplexed.  It's not my birthday and nor is it any special occassion.  The flowers are absolutely gorgeous and so bright!  I pull out the paper and begin to read.  A very dear and wonderful Tante Maaike and her daughter Nicolette from Holland are the senders of this truly spectacular flower arrangement!!!

I cannot thank you enough for your wonderful gift!!!  It is truly as lovely as you are and just as vibrant.  We have a photo of you in our livingroom Tante Maaike when you visited us last.  We hope Nicolette will one day come with her family to visit as well!!  We thank you for brightening our day today and bless your hearts for thinking of us.

I dedicate this blog entry for you and all those who are kind and thoughtful towards others.  xoxoxo

Beautiful arrangement!!!  This photo does not do it justice... the colours are truly spectacular as are the flowers!!

Thank you for your kind and supportive words!!!  Love always, Marita 

..... seeking answers and hopeful outcomes.....

When the pain seared up along the right spine, scapula and into the neck hours after testing, I realized how much high tension and stress I was really experiencing.  Despite the calm exterior, the storm within has been brewing for days and the spasms in the muscles send sharp pains when I turn my neck.  Tuesday has me seeing the chiropractor.  The pain has made it difficult to sleep and the cycle begins.  I refuse to take any medications to reduce the pain, only a natural pain rub.  It helps to ease me into a somewhat restless slumber.  My mind refuses to release and it continues to play out my life......

.....my mind recollects an incident years ago while in the service of the armed forces .... one night I was preparing to take a shower in the common washroom in the barracks.  The shiny concrete floor was wet.  I stepped into the invisable puddle and before I knew it, my feet were pointing straight up to the ceiling and I was frantically grasping at the elusive curtain which slipped through my grasp and I landed with a thunk on the hard pavement with enough force to cause me to momentarily black out. I never forgot that frantic panic with the realization that there was nothing in my power to stop what had begun or the girls who found me wandering confused down the hallway naked.  They had heard my head hit the concrete floor and had come looking for the source of the noise.  I was not scared when they took me by the hand and led me to a chair and dressed me while they waited for the medics to arrive..... 

In this journey right now, I am sitting in the chair waiting for the medics to arrive.  I have no control over the disease, only faith. I am here and there are reasons for everything that has happened in my life.  I am at peace with my decision to go ahead with the radiation trial and whatever may come my way.  It is not a resignation but an acceptance of my life journey and all that makes it what it is.  I am truly grateful for all that I have and my life is richer for those that have made my life journey truly happy and meaningful.

Yesterday I went back to Wellspring for the Yoga classes after a few years of being away.  Valerie is amazing as she leads us through gentle stretches.  I wasn't going to come out today because the weather was cold and the high winds were wrecking havoc with visibility throughout the region.....at least that was my excuse.  I have become reclusive during this study week from the college.... I am working on some projects for a girls group coming to visit the college in May as part of their introduction to technology in post secondary.  I am glad I went out and participated because the pain in the neck and shoulders has subsided tremendously.  As always in this Yoga class, the sun always manages to peek through the clouds and shine through the windows.  The sun is becoming stronger in the sky and as I peer out the window, the warmth kisses my cheeks and makes me smile.  I close my eyes and take in the warmth.  I am alone with my thoughts.  I can no longer hear the other participants talking around me as they gather their belongings.  I am truly grateful for this day.  

I arrive back in the office and see a woman sitting in the chair near the coffee service.  I ask if she is new and she responds that she is.  That was me all those years ago and it takes me back in a flash.  I introduce myself and ask if she is there to take Art Therapy?  She is and so I introduce her to Wanda who has just arrived and who has been doing this class for about 12 years.  I am careful to keep my voice lighthearted.

I decide to attend Art Therapy.  I miss the group I started with in my first journey.  I really connected with each of them and we were a close group.  I miss Ruth.  Ruth passed a few years ago and about the time that a number of our group members returned to work or moved on in their journey.   I create a project using drywall compound coloured with acrylic paints onto a picture frame and glass.  I think I will scrape off a little bit of the mud on the glass to expose some kind of art beneath it. I feel like I want to cover myself in warm soothing soul cleansing mud.  The lady next to me is using a gold acrylic and offers a dollop of it on my plate.  I incorporate the glimmering goo to the mud colour and like the result.  The ladies are all chatting as they create their own masterpieces.  Later,  I help Wanda prepare a number of plates for the group who were supposed to be in attendance this week but the weather kept away.  It will take a few days to dry anyway and should be ready to finish when we return next week.

I return to the office to retrieve my coat and boots and spy Bunty at the table next to the coffee service.  She is wonderful and I run up to give her a squeeze and a kiss.  She has been on this earth for over 80 years and is still so spry despite her quadruple bypass.  She has volunteered for years and continues to do so despite cancer taking her husband a decade ago.  I take the seat offered to me by the woman across from Bunty. When I am comfortable and look to her, she studies me and her brow furrows.  She tells me that she knows from a distance, most people would see that I am handling my situation with calm, grace and strength but she knows that I have days that are anything but graceful.  I love that about her... she is intuitive and cuts to the point without the fluff.  So when she asks me "How are you doing?" ..... she wants the God's honest truth and not a scripted "yah, wonderful!"  She looks me in the eyes and says she is glad I am going to do the radiation and she has a really good feeling about the outcome.  I do too Bunty.... which is why I cannot understand the funk I am in this week.

Perhaps its the weather.... which seems to go on forever in this cold and wintery 2014.  Perhaps its the wait before the radiation added to the weather.  Today I thought of Ruth again and of the statement she made about not wanting to die because she felt she had so much more living to do.  I have read the obituaries every day since her death over 2 years ago.  I look at the ages and consider what took them in their prime... cancer, heart attack, cancer, car accident, cancer, stroke, cancer.    The content of the obit reveals who that person was to the people who truly loved them.... they usually open with.... how much they are already missed and a listing of all who will miss them.  Depending on the author of the obit, they will often times incorporate a synapsis of the lives they lived and of their accomplishments.  The pictures are often of them on their very best day ever and the smiles encourage you to know them, if only for the minute it takes to read about them.  I consider what I like about what is written of this stranger...... I read through their relative names just to see if there is anyone who I know and who might like a note left on the online obituary supporting them in their time of mourning.  There have been a handful so far in the past six months whom I have left a note for.... today will be another one for the 90 year old man who visited his wife every day for hours at the Alzheimers ward where my father used to reside.  She is restricted to a wheel chair and is unable to communicate..... I think of how much she will miss him but nowhere in his obit does it say how he supported her and others who visited the ward.  He was always kind to me and offered hugs each time we met.  He and his cronies had a little repair business on the side and would fix wheelchairs and walkers to donate to anyone who needed them.... the obit did not speak to this kindness either.  Rest in Peace Ted.

I often believe that our lives should be celebrated and not forgotten but in reality, despite all our good intentions, life continues as if nothing has happened.  Some of my friends will visit their relatives in the place where they lay for eternity in the local cemetaries while others have moved away and are unable to.  I drive past one of our city's largest cemetaries in the west end of the city.  They have begun to remove more trees to make room for future 'residents'.  I have mixed feelings about cemetaries.  I like looking at the stones.... or at least I used to before my cancer diagnosis.... and imagining who these people were.  The large catholic cemetary on Huron St. was next door to my apartment building and I would stroll through the large expanse and always end up in the children's section... Some of the stones here are ancient and speak to a time in our history when children dying was a part of every day life.  A photographer in Montreal documented life in the turn of our last century by photographing the children in positions that made them look alive despite the fact that they had passed.  Life and especially death was looked at differently and an accepted part of our short time on earth.  Do I still like cemetaries.... the one in Havana, Cuba was the best cemetary I have ever been in... the woman still encased in a sarcophagus way past the time she was to be exhumed and relocated, is a draw to all the locals and a statue is errected in her honor at the foot of it.  As the years have passed, this woman and the local legend of her bestowing their heart's wishes have accumulated hundreds of etched stone plates thanking her for bringing them their deepest desire.  The statue is of her holding her child.  They both passed in childbirth and were interred in the marble above ground coffin.  The child was laid on her thighs but when the year marking their internment was up and the lid was removed, the legend says that she was holding her child and they had not disintegrated.  According to the locals.... they looked as if they were sleeping.  They simply reseated the lid of the coffin and soon there were visitors from far and wide praying to her for the things they desired... health, babies, success etc.  The statue of  Mommy and baby is made of marble and errected in their honor and is surrounded by these amazing stone thank you's piled and stacked in rows upon rows around it.  The statue is an unpolished powdery white for the exception of the smooth green heel of the baby.... I reached out and touched it despite Max's warning to be careful.  We were on our honeymoon and I desired another baby which Max wanted to wait for a few more years.  We returned from our honeymoon pregnant.  I lost that one and miraculously became pregnant weeks later with Lydia.  I have often wanted to return and leave our own thank you to her.

I think cemetaries hold a rich history of our society.  So why do I not want to be buried?  Why do I consider to be cremated instead and have my ashes spread instead of contained..... because it appeals to the practical side of who I am.  I am not steeped in tradition, although I deeply appreciate and admire it.  I am pragmatic, practical and simply put... only a tiny link in the generations before me and those that will follow me.  The parts that pass on long after I go should be the values and principals I live by and in whose children will pass along to the next generation.  I will be long forgotten even into the next generation.  I feel that I should leave this earth as I arrived - without taking up space and leaving the land to those who will use it while they are alive.  We are technological and ever changing in this society and our populations are growing exponentially.  

I found a photo of my Great Grandfather a few weeks ago.  I never knew him and by all standards I do not look like him.  I did say hello to the picture and imagined what life was like for him but I will never visit his grave and I am sure no one has for the better part of 50 years.  His grave, like the one in Cuba (unless it is a mausoleum or this special grave) have a time limit of occupancy in order for the next generation to utilize the same space.  The cemetaries are not sprawling and eating up valuable property but are well managed.  The bones are removed, boxed and then relocated.  I like this approach and it becomes the cemetary for the living. 

I do not want to have a casket...it makes no sense to cut down a beautiful tree, carve it, polish it and then simply plant it into the ground to protect my body from what it is supposed to do naturally - to decay and return to the earth that created it.....or the stone that gets planted at the head to announce who is in residence.  I didn't pay to be born and I am not willing to pay to leave.  I have considered donating my body to science, which is free but the jury is still out on this one.  Dying is a lucrative business.  A basic cremation in a carboard box will cost over $3,000.  A memorial hosted in the funeral home is crazy expensive when you add eats to the event.... every aspect of the funeral costs the family money.  I was advised to purchase a plan while I am still alive so that the family doesn't get lured into guilt purchases.  I do however want my ashes spread into my garden and then have a lovely backyard party... about $3000 ought to do it!!!  My friend Ameeta has already offered to be the MC for the event and knowing her, the crowd will laugh... and then likely join in with their own stories.  Life is to celebrate and our passing is just the end of our physical earth-bound journey.  Knowing that I have met so many incredible people and have been given the opportunity in this particular space and time to create a life that I am truly proud of. 

I am looking forward to the spring and the beginning of our urban gardens.  There is still planning to do and the time frame we need to do it in.  Thank you to Sarah for your Home Depot gift card for this purpose.  Of course we will take any donations from anyone to put towards this life giving project.  Max and Uncle Paul are on board and will be 'breaking ground' as soon as the earth softens in the spring.  The greenhouse in the kitchen is doing well as are the tomato plants in the spare bedroom.  The asparagus is now looking feathery and according to the seed package.... it will be two years before we can harvest this luscious vegetable.  The vertical growing surface on the garage has to be designed and created for herbs.  Again, we will accept rooted herbs to put into our vertical garden... I can even put the donor's name on whatever they donate...so they will be a part of our living garden.  That's my blog for this week.... next week we begin my treatments. xoxoxo

 

http://travel.iblogcuba.com/2011/04/tomb-of-miraculousla-milagrosa-colon.html