.....yup, its the big C.....again.....

......and the news came on the heels of an afternoon bone scan at Victoria Hospital.  I arrived at 10:30 for the radioactive injection...in the same spot as the CT scan IV hole from Friday.  A quick preliminary scan and I am sent back on my way.  The wait is 3 hours, enough time for the bones to produce that eerie glow where tumors which grow quietly can be detected.  Cancer is insidious and creeps into soft organs, tissues, skin, brain, bones.....

The bone scan takes about 45 minutes to complete.  They do the full body scan, head, neck and chest.... and they also scanned my still swollen toes from when a student dropped a desk leg on my foot on the second last day of my T2P as a gift - why not, I was already there!!  While the first test takes 18 minutes and scans the entire body from top to bottom, the next one takes approximately 3 minutes with my head to one side as they image both sides of my head.  Next comes the chest and neck 360 degree scan while holding my arms above my head....part way through, the pain from my neck and arm are distracting but I stay still for the entire 12 minutes.  My toes are last... I wonder if I have broken them??  I thank the staff, wish the pregnant technologist all the best with her new baby due in July and head down the hall to the cancer unit.

It is now 3 pm and Max has texted me that he has arrived at the clinic.  I decide to leave the hospital and walk outside to the front door of the cancer clinic which is in building A next door.  I see the cancer garden and the new pergola that was just being constructed when I finished my cancer journey in 2010.  There are a few people huddled under the roof.  The humidity has risen and the blackened sky threatens rain.  I try not to think of foreshadowing.....

Max's friendly face is seated in the waiting room.  He has insisted on being there when I get the results from Dr. Locke.   I did not involve Max much in my first journey.... I didn't want to inconvenience him with the dozens of appointments.  I didn't want him to worry and be scared sitting amongst so many ill people....I wanted to save him from the worry I knew would be overwhelming.  I do not like to burden people if I do not have to.... everyone has their own worries and their own journey to worry about.

Elenor drops by to give me my data sheets.  I was a part of a radiation study and every six months, I have to fill out this study.  Most questions ask about my mental state and how I feel emotionally about the big dent in my left breast.  I got over having a dent a long time ago....I call it my treasure chest because conveniently any necklaces I wear tend to find their way into the dent!!  Elenor is the clinician for the radiation trials and also a friend I made when we bumped into each other in the long-term care home that both of our alzheimer parents lived in.  We catch up and chat a while and then I let her know that while I likely will not be a graduate of the  study, I will be one from the university.  She is worried and wants me to call her to tell her the outcome of the tests... she will see me in the examination room to take pictures of my breasts.... yup, they are showcased in their medical journal....

Nurse Marg comes out to see me.  Hugs.  She has been an amazing nurse and confidant for almost 4 years now.  She is hopeful that the results are negative.  The doctor has been busy and is still reviewing my tests.  He arrives 20 minutes later, grabs his rolling stool, sits down and gives me that look.  I listen, Max listens when he outlines the test results.  No bone issues, however, the lump and the surrounding nodes have lit up.  Yes, it is cancer, but further testing will tell us what kind and with the team on board again, they will come up with a game plan.  First things first - get a biopsy of the crazy lump that has now popped out of hiding today and is resting comfortably on top of the clavicle. I personally would love to see the lesion excised immediately but I have trust in the team that has done amazing with me over the years.  The triple negative cancer may have evolved to something else and only time and technology will be able to determine both.  I take the news calmly...of course, I knew months ago something was wrong and my intuition has always served me well.  Max asks a few questions but I could tell he really was mulling over the information and wasn't sure what else to say.  I am on board ... let's just do this.

We hold hands as we walk off past the empty waiting room.  Dr Younis is waiting at the elevators....today is filled with foreshadowing??  He was my chemo oncologist......  I say hello to him just as Dr. Locke stops him.  Max walks me out to the parking lot and I turn to him and apologize.  It is hard enough going back to this place, being diagnosed again and looking into the eyes of my soul mate.  I am deeply sorry for the pain behind the eyes....

I drive off in my car and he leaves in his van for home.  I wait for him in the driveway thinking about what I need to do next and collecting my thoughts on how I will once again tell my children that their mother has cancer..again.  We sat around the dinner table and calmly and positively told the children the news and let them know as much as we knew.  Later I would tell my eldest son and his girlfriend - of course after I took the rest of the family out for ice cream at Cold Stone.... what else do you do??

I called my father-in-law, wrote to my classmates and announced it on FB.  There....now the journey can begin.......

I wish you all well.  Please feel free to contact me at maritadevries@rogers.com

...... here we go again?

...... not sure but I figure since I am beginning a new journey of testing for a lump discovered nestled into the left clavical above my last journey's lump...... I just as well document this one and hope it is a short chapter without too much drama.

On the 8th of May, I headed out to St. Joes for an ultrasound of the annoying lump.  It is so nicely nestled into the clavical and hard to find.  Once you do locate it and pop it above the bone, you notice how round, smooth and easy it is to move it around.  Not entirely sure if it is a lymph node, cyst or golf ball but after a few minutes, the technologist locates another one.  My neck aches as she puts pressure around the neck just above the clavical.  I try not to have that sinking feeling but my gut tells me that this is just the beginning....

May 14 brings a quick call from my Medical Oncologist's nurse to ask when I will be available for tests they want me to have completed before meeting with Dr. Locke on the 21st of May.  I tell them I am available anytime and any day...

On the 15th of May.... 4 years to the day of discovering the first lump in the breast 6 inches below this recent arrival.  The day starts out sunny, warm and beautiful and then the phone rings.  It is the secretary of my Medical Oncologist and she needs to make two appointments for me.  A CT scan and of course that ever precautionary bone scan.  My stomache twists as she indicates that the CT scan is booked for Friday morning, which is only 2 days away and the Bone Scan is booked for Tuesday morning/afternoon.  I will head over to see Dr. Locke right after the scan is completed.  I thought about the appointment I missed in March for Dr. Locke because it just simply escaped me....things always happen for a reason.  I am keeping positive.  After all, four years ago it became all too apparent that my life might not meet with the expectations of retirement and I learned to accept those things that I could not change and appreciate that each of our journeys will come to an end.  I learned to live each day and find the best that each day has to offer.  Later, when waiting for the CT scan, a patient would be pushed past the waiting room declaring that the sun was out and that he had nothing to complain about....yup, he gets it.

I rose at 7:10 this morning, jumped in the shower, checked the lump (hoping it would have disappeared....always hopeful) and dressed in simple casual no zipper jeans and a loose blouse.  I arrived at the emergency CT scan waiting room after booking into University patient admissions.  Oh yum, we are all sitting there and sipping peach juice for an hour before our scan...me and now 4 of my best friends.  All joking aside, this stuff could use a little sugar, vodka and an umbrella.  The intake receptionist is kept busy serving one 'customer' after another.  Good thing I showed up at 8:10am instead of 9 am for the appointment time.  It takes 1 hour to drink all of the yummy peach-ade.

The ladies I was speaking with in the waiting room made the wait much more fun with their sense of humour and then later, with their story.....which remarkably sounds a whole lot like my own.  Military family, uprooted every 2 years and feeling a disconnect with childhood - I remarked about my own daughter being popular with her classmates and feeling like she belonged by having the time to create her own close group of friends over the years.  Yes, there were some advantages to growing up in a military home, but it wasn't for my children and I am grateful that they have the roots I did not have.  While my eldest is trying to get in, I know he will always know where home is.

I am asked to return to the waiting room after the technologist inserts an IV tap into the vein.  The gentleman in the gurney a few feet away will be taken ahead of me... he celebrated his 68th birthday on the same day as me.  I wish him happy birthday as I stroll past him to wait a few more minutes in the waiting room.  It gives me more time to speak with the woman who is there with her mother.  We must have covered every major milestone in our lives and amazed at some of the parallels in them.

It is finally my turn and I now have to drink more in the way of water to fill my stomache.  I also have to empty the bladder that the 1L of yummy (ok, you get the point) juice filled.  The technologist is waiting for me at the CT scanner holding what looks like a facial cream container and a spoon.  She wants me to EAT it????  I do not know what facial cream tastes like but if it is anything like this, no thanks!!!  It is supposed to coat the esophogas and make it easier to image.  Well it coated it alright.  Now to lay down and let the machine do its thing....yup, a recorded male voice telling me to breathe in and hold it and then to breathe again.  Next the injection.  Yup I feel the really warm burning sensation through every vein in my body.  Minutes later, the technologist comes in and bids me goodbye.  The next patient has arrived from emerge and I can see them preparing to lift her as I sit back in the waiting area while holding pressure on the huge gap left by the IV.  The doors begin to close as the patient yells out in pain.

I am sitting across from this woman again and she holds out a business card.  She isn't sure how i will react to this kind gesture.  I take it and smile at her.  I will try to keep in touch and let her know what happens next.

......and on to a new life......

I am ending this blog on a really high note.....there is a new blog set aside for the next year of adventures as a middle-ager on a path to a new life now that the cancer journey is over.  Along with the departure of anything cancer, although I still do speaking engagements, I have set lofty goals for a healthier, happier life surrounded by those who I love and who reciprocate that love in return.  I have said my good byes to my toxic eldest sister and have severely cut short the visits with my chronically negative mother.  I do however adore my Dad and continue to spend a few nights a week enjoying his company while putting him to bed.  I have gained new friends and lost others in the lifespan of this blog.  Learned what I needed to shed, besides some weight and what I wanted to keep.

Keep up with me as I step forward and not look back....

http://steppingforwardandnotlookingback.blogspot.ca/

......comes in 3's....

....and feels like a call from the universe. I see the 333 everywhere and most notably when I am feeling out of sorts. The Internet search comes up with a number of different explanations but the one that grabs my attention puts me on notice to put myself back in balance. The mind, body and spirit kind of balance....and should one be more pronounced than the other, the triangle of 3 gets out of whack!! This is the year of great change and rude awakenings..it signifies a shift in attitudes and behaviors, making it my emotionally challenging year.

I have seen 333 again this morning and note my level of discomfort over the past week. My sister has come to town and judging by how miserable I was on Thursday morning last week, I should have known she was on her way. My stomach is twisted into knots and has been since she arrived by 'surprise'. I wondered as I went to bed that night why she chose not to visit our ill father knowing from my text messages that he was running a dangerously high temp but was persuaded to come to my house for a beer despite her pounding headache? The next morning, she was distracted by her ringing cell phone when we were speaking to the staff who care for our father. When she noted it was Mom's friend calling from Elgin, she had to immediately return the call and left me to finish the conversation? She spent a few minutes saying hi to Dad and then her and Mom were off to visit their friends 5 hours away leaving me to administer her holistic medicine.....

Little did I realize, she had made arrangements with my brother to get together on the holiday but when it became clear that she would not be returning until the day after, he decided to not take the trip down to visit us. She spent the time with her friends in Kingston. This after telling me she thought Dad was near the end......makes you just want to scream!!!

Throughout this whole adventure, I am being texted by her letting me know that her new cell phone is acting up and she is not receiving phone calls or barely getting her texts or it is running dangerously low on battery life....darn technology!!! In the meantime, I am caring for Dad and my Mother's cats. Mom had given me her house key a day or so before my sister arrived because she thought that I may need it....did she know my sister was coming?

I feel used and manipulated.... Max asks me why I am always surprised by this behavior from her and I have no other response but that I am deeply disappointed. He doesn't like confrontation and chooses to just be the all around great guy that he is....me, I just want her to go away and to cease her constant bid to control everyone. She has spent my whole life tormenting and bullying me. She has, with this trip, finally crossed a line she cannot cross back over.

.....a surprise visit....

.....on the heels of another of Dad's illnesses. I should say that after 4 rounds of antibiotics and the beginning of a fifth round, Dad is not doing so well. He is looking frail these days and the wracking coughs bring up thick mucous. I am heading to the home to put him to bed on Thursday evening and note that he is already laying down with his eyes closed and he is muttering with each breath. I touch his forehead as always and note that he is hot to the touch. I find the RPN Natalyia and she follows me down the hall. A quick temperature check and he is registering 38 degrees. I am deeply concerned when another check 20 minutes later lets us know that it is rising. She administers more Tylenol via spoon but he wants to sit up to take it and I move in to brace him as he swallows them down with some ice water. I cradle his head and whisper 'I love you's as I help to lay him down. My face is a few inches from his as he reaches over to tousle my hair. He pulls his blanket up and makes sure he covers me too. He reminds me of Will when he was a child and my heart aches for the child I miss with all my heart.....he is so much like my father. I cuddle with my Dad until I can hear his snores begin. I will miss you so much when you leave us to be with your maker and I am grateful for these times we have together. I love you so much. He is still so hot and Natalyia and I are putting cold cloths on his forehead. I re-read the text messages from my sister Gina from a few minutes before i arrived at the home and realize that she is in town - all the way from BC. As I leave the home, I call Mom up and yes, she is there at the retirement residence with Mom. They know from my texts that Dad is not well. The staff have received my request to the doctor to get a sample of sputum and will do so at the first opportunity. We need to determine what is causing him to be so ill. It is now 10 pm when I cross the parking lot to visit with my Mom and Gina and minutes later we head back to my house so the kids can go for a night swim on this hot and humid night. I wll be taking care of my Mom's cats while she goes back to visit her friends in Elgin and sees the new changes to the farm house she left in March. Perhaps that is closure to Mom..... I will be seeing Dad this morning before I head out to the lake. The red sunset and the cool breeze tells me that it will rain today some time. It is peaceful out here on the deck and listening to the birds waking up. I will see Mom and Gina on Sunday and hope that my brother comes down as well. I have a sense that we do not have much time with my Dad.

.....moving forward...

....and keeping positive despite life's challenges. Max and I sit across from one another in bed - he has been there for me through so much over the years. He knows something is wrong and is clearly disappointed when I read him an email which has been sent from someone we both considered to be a good friend. He shakes his head in disbelief and offers an explanation that somehow her behavior is not in keeping with the gal we have both come to love and adore. It is hurtful and accusatory.....and of all things....in an email. Max figures that she needed to pick her allegiance to the team I recently left. Either way, Max is right, we should just support her no matter what...perhaps one day....until then....I will miss her very much. Thursday morning I was up before the crack of dawn. I promised Sarah that I would help her with her hillside garden. We managed to remove 4 very overgrown juniper bushes to make way for a vegetable garden. We decorated it with petunias, marigolds and alyssum to border the garden perimeter. It was an incredibly hot day but we managed to get so much done and just in time before the heavy rains began to fall less than an hour after planting. Sarah is pleased that she will now be able to grow her own Roma tomatoes for salsa. Thursday evening I attended the Althouse orientation for teacher candidates. We learned about choosing our courses and when our timetable selections would be available. I am getting excited about this new chapter in my life. This summer will pass by so fast that I am just trying to enjoy each and every day as it comes. I am loving the time spent with family and friends as I prepare for a year of crazy balancing of home, school and work schedules. Ah to be busy again!!!! I dropped in to see Dad and to put him to bed. I checked him over for bruises but found little that would indicate the terrible fall he had on Tuesday. I read him National Geographic from my iPad. He was fascinated with Easter Island and enfpgaged in a very animated discussion of his theories. He was very lucid tonight. The staff are keeping a close eye on him and monitoring his urine output to ensure he does not dehydrate again. Today is Lydia's birthday party. She is officially 10, although you would swear she is older. I am just so relieved that I am here to celebrate it with her. I remember being diagnosed the day after her 7th birthday....I look around and see the changes we have made to our beautiful backyard and listen to the girls squeal with delight as they swim around in the warm water. The recent purchase of a roof mount solar panel has made the pool so inviting!! There are 4 girls enjoying a sleep-over in the family room downstairs and from our vantage point, we can hear them swapping their treat bag goodies. It's so hard to believe how fast the years have rolled by!! I look over at Max as I blog and he is playing with his iPad version of garage band. He is my soul and my love and I am blessed to have married my soul mate. He is my best friend and confidant....he is quick to point out my faults and just as quick to tell me why he loves me. He loves the changes in my life as much as I do. He would have preferred me to make some of these decisions a while back but knows that everything happens for a reason.

.....when the phone rings....

....and wakes you out of a deep slumber, you know it can't be good. "Your Dad has fallen and has hit his head", the nurse tells me through the fog. I pull myself up and note the time is 7:44 am. She continues, "Your Dad struck his head after tripping on his feet. He was chatty and joking around and suddenly he was down". I am dumbfounded when she tells me that he is lethargic and that is vitals are dropping. She is calling to let me know that he will be taken to hospital by ambulance and would I like her to call me to let me know where he will be. Of course she can and I hang up the phone on my way to the shower. Max let's me know a few minutes later that he has gone to UH.

I drive Lydia and Amber to school and wave to Shelley as we pull into the parking lot. It is now work traffic and I try to pick the fastest route to the hospital that does not involve construction....but it still takes 40 minutes to get there and find parking. I glance at the wall clock after entering into Pod A in the Emergency department where Dad is in bed 4. In April, he was nestled in bed 2 with pneumonia. I bent down to kiss Dad and noted how cool he felt to the touch. Even his hands were cold??? They are always soft and warm to the touch. I sit down after speaking briefly with the intern. He wants to know some medical history and I oblige him. I look up at the clock again and it is now 9:25. I look over to Dad and watch as the color completely drains from his face and the distant clouded look of his eyes as they begin the roll upwards. "DAD, DAAAAAD, DAAAAAAADDDDDDY!!!! STAY WITH ME! SOMEONE HELP US!!!!". The monitor is flashing orange, a big 0 and a long beep tells us he has flatlined. The staff are moving in and I catch my breath....the tears are falling and I am wiping them away. Dad is moving in the bed now and the beeping has resumed. I am able to rejoin him within minutes and no sooner do I sit down but I can hear the monitor beep begin to slow, Dad's palor change and the eyes rolling back. "DAD!!!! DADDDY!!??". The staff have returned and the activity has me moving out of the way while the staff are busy trying to evaluate the second incident. The male nurse witnessed this second event as it was happening. An X-ray machine is moved bedside to rule out pneumonia which he has been treated twice for since April. The tears are coursing down my face for the second time in as many minutes. Again, his heart has restarted on its own and he is now sitting up in bed and cracking his first of many witty remarks of what would prove to be a very long day.

The staff just thinks he is so sweet. I am his buddy and I feel so helpless standing by. I call to him and he waves to me. Later he will ask me if his heart stopped. I tell him yes and then listen while he asks me if I can hear the voices speaking in a language he does not understand. He tells me that he almost touched the ceiling.....the ceilings are at least 9 feet tall...I believe Dad had experienced an out of body experience. I asked him if he had seen me holding his hand and he said no, because he could almost reach the ceiling. I noted the calm in his demeanor and the cloudy far off look. I checked Dad over as much as I could and I have not found any bumps or bruises, just a minor rub on his elbow from what could have been caused by sliding on the floor - the skin has rolled showing he slid on it. He did not complain about any pain?? I believe that his heart likely stopped prior to his fall at the residence. They thought the fluctuating and dropping vitals may have been the result of a head trauma but where was the bruising? Swelling? An intern from Cardiac came in to evaluate Dad where they had moved him to a cardiac triage unit. He gently squeezed Dad's Carotid artery in his neck and we watched as his blood pressure dropped and then went back up when he released the mild pressure. He called for an ECG using ultra sound. The technician arrived at 2:30 and spent the next 1/2 hour going through a full evaluation of the heart valves and chambers. It was fascinating watching the valves open with each beat from so many different angles. In one series of pictures you could see the Venus blood and arterial blood enter and leave the chambers of the heart. I had to help keep Dad in place while they completed their examination. By 3:15, the warmth was coming back into his external limbs and I no longer had to ask for warm sheets to cover him with. Poor Dad, so many holes poked into him to take blood and give IV fluids. Never mind the dozen or so sensor tabs and the two external defib pads that had to be removed....and all the hair!!! Sarah Brown dropped by earlier in the afternoon with a wonderful packed lunch which i shared with Dad after getting the OK around 5. Just as he was finishing up the last morsel, dinner arrived!! He Voraciously consumed the hospital offerings. By 7 pm when it was time for him to be loaded into the Voyageur patient transfer to go back home. The nurse had been on for 12 hours and the sharp tone in her voice bearing commands did not go over well when sundowners hit. I got his attention and placed my hand on his face while looking into those now crystal clear eyes. I love you so much Dad was all he needed to hear and quieted down. I helped to dress and stayed with him until the girls from transport arrived. I hugged the tired nurse, kissed Dad on his forehead and laughed as I walked down the hall when I heard him describe how rare the seat belts were that were used to buckle him in. I could hear the girls laughing with him as they rolled him down the hall. I met up with transport outside his residence and escorted him up to his room. After another snack and plenty of fluids, he was ready for bed. Gail helped me dress and ready him for bed. Night night Dad, sleep well!

It was a long day but I am ever so grateful to the staff at UH who were there for us, the ambulance attendant who wanted to hold my hand when the second incident started and especially to Sarah, whose kindness and help meant so much to my Dad, myself and our family in crisis - I love you so much. Xo