.... the escape plan....

..... my Dad is looking better, feeling better and is planning on having me assist him in escaping.  The people on the floor where he lives, as far as he thinks, are all trying to take his things and they gather in his room and sit on his furniture while crowding his personal space.  I begin to straighten out his laundry which is folded but placed every which way in his closet.  He leans in and describes a hat he has had for over 70 years.. he wore it as a student and it is threadbare - I know he has that vacant far off stare.  His lucid moments are peppered with memories of long ago and places far away.  His friend Tim died, he says, as he looks into the distant past over my shoulder and fingers a vest.  He went to school with him and although he was 5 or so years older, the man died a few weeks after their last evening of drink and laughter.  I am trying to guess the man's age but Dad says he thinks he was 60.  He snaps into focus and within minutes.... he is gone again talking about Tim dying a lonely death.  He says he hasn't much time left.... figures his own end will come in a few weeks and although he is not afraid to die, he doesn't want to leave without Mom.  (Tim was the son of the head master and was about 5 or 6 years older than Dad. He passed when he was in his early 20's to mid 30's at our best guess)

Mom is a tough subject these days.  I let Dad talk to her on my cell phone on my last visit with him.  She admits to me that she loves her newfound freedom and takes full advantage of the time by being out for most of the day.  She is finally free after 3 years of being his caregiver.  She also didn't do a very good job of taking care of him and is quick to point out all his flaws.  My mother has dementia and has delusions.  Her lies and truths have no distinct boundaries.  She is beyond reproach and has no guilt that Dad is far away and feeling isolated.  She has lost empathy and respect for him years ago.  Her upbringing was incredibly harsh and one rife with punishment.  Her lies in her youth would often protect her from punishment and as far as my sister and I can tell, she has become incredibly proficient at deflecting responsibility and blame for anything.  I am sad for both my parents - born into the war years, victims of the war and of the parents whose harsh and unbending attitudes altered the course of their own ability to raise their children.  I am grateful that I have not repeated history in the raising of my own children.

I am trying to move Mom here in the spring.  She will have her own apartment with assistive care as soon as we can sell the farm house.  She has a lengthy wish list of what she wants in her new life should she decide to move but no where do her plans involve her husband of 50 years.  She does not want to live with him and is considering whether she will visit him at all should she move here but that is something we will deal with later.  She called me tonight and spoke for over an hour.... she wants to be with me and the children and is trying to sort out her stuff for an early spring move.  She is grateful that we are looking out for them and she thanks me for taking Dad out and keeping him company through the week.

I am taking the high road and just spending time with my Dad trying to reminisce about times I know he would remember.  Such a lost soul who really though that everything he was doing was what his family would have wanted.  Growing up in a boarding house with nuns certainly taught him that having a family might mean he would be valued and loved...... I am sad for him and I love my father.  I sit with him for hours laughing about the silly things that happened.  He thanks me for the wonderful memories as I walk him to the dinner table.  He reminds me that he will have his bags packed and ready to go.... he needs to leave and get back into the military.  Perhaps I can take him downtown too.  They have sent him here and he is waiting for his orders.  Dad, just enjoy the R & R.  Dear God, please be merciful and let him forget the things that bring him such painful memories of a life he did not deserve.  I love you Dad, sleep well.  Tomorrow I will pick you up for supper so you can spend time with the Grandkids. xoxoxoxo

I received a call this morning November 20th from the care nurse.  Dad has spent a tearful and restless night.  He thinks his wife is dead.   Lorna cannot seem to lift his spirits and has decided to call me.  I speak with him and let him know that Mom has been on the phone with me last night talking about her dinner out with friends.  I assure him that she is fine, just a little forgetful and I can hear the sadness start to ebb from his feeble voice.  She's fine I tell him again as I remind him that I am coming to get him this afternoon for a lovely walk in the neighborhood and dinner at our house.  He is looking forward to the visit and I sign off with a 'see you soon Dad'!!

.... Dancing with the elders...

... When you don't really know what to talk about to someone with Alzheimers whom you have known your entire life, it is often just best to keep things moving, lighthearted and loving.  My father's health is steadily improving and with the addition of antibiotics to combat a possible staf infection in the wound from his surgery, the tenderness and swelling should sort itself out.

Saturday afternoon, I took the two youngest kids and Max to visit my Dad in the afternoon.  The staff told us that they have a music lady coming at 3:30 and it might be fun for all of us.  Max and Mitchel drop Lydia, Dad and myself off after going out for coffee to Tim's.  Dad sure loves his sweets and he smiles broadly as he says thanks for taking him out.  Earlier when we stood in the now barren garden in the warmth of the sun, a train passed by to the south of us.  Dad thought it was a lovely view having the train run past the ocean like that.... where are you, I wonder as he grips my hand.  I guide him back through the doors and out to the van.... where have you gone?  Is it a place you grew up near, is it a place in your dreams?  You call me by name and you know my children but the photo of your wedding day is a strange one to you.  You shuffle with age but you are young.  You have vision problems but admire the beauty of my daughter's face.  You connect with strangers you barely know... and you know that you are slowly losing your wit.... where do you go when it becomes too much?

I wasn't feeling well today... it is Sunday and sadly, I have a lot of work to catch up with.  My sinuses are running and my temperature feels out of whack.  I am tired.  Yesterday I ran 2K and started the poolside practice in the morning.  I ache all the time but ignore the pain that will always be there.  My mother called last night.  It is rare if ever for her to call.  She wants to retire to a two room apartment and is unsettled that she might not get what she wants.  She hasn't asked about Dad but I offer her information anyway.  He is loving spending time with his grandchildren.  Lydia has started to hug him and he responds with a gentle laugh as he touches her face.  He is grateful that we are so close to him.  I am grateful he remembers us.  I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know him on a different level.  I have to sort out the truth from fantasy.  No matter how many times he tells me the same story, it is always met with fits of giggles and he warms to the notion that he has brought joy in his words.  The ladies around him find him charming.... he always could think quick on his feet and was always the entertainer.  God how I missed out on so much over the years Dad but I hope I am making up for it now when it really counts.

I love you Dad, good night.  I will see you tomorrow as I go looking for a place for you to call your last home.  I just want you to be happy.  I am hoping that we can get Mom moved down too.  At the very least, I can advocate for the both of them while they live close to us. xox

..... when things fall into place

..... what a whirlwind week that began with tears and ended with ear to ear grins.  My sister Gina and brother Chris, bless their souls, have done an amazing job of organizing and making sure that my father has been seen by CCAC and evaluated for a placement while in the hospital.  He is stable and medicated appropriately and with that, his demeanor is steadily improving.  Friday morning just before my MRI, I called Gina at her request.  She asked me again if I wanted Dad to be placed in London and of course I emphatically said yes!!  I told her that I wanted him here as soon as possible.... that's when she told me that I was on speaker phone with CCAS and that my verbal yes was the permission they needed to place him in London!!!!!

 He will be arriving on Wednesday with my sister driving him from Smith Falls, at dinner time.  My mother has chosen to remain at the farm house but now has to wear an emergency button in case she requires assistance.  I have already assured her that her dogs will come and live with us when the time comes for her to leave the farm permanently.  She is understandably upset but I think she understands that it is necessary that she considers a relocation here to London.  We will put her name on a list but she will be located in a different retirement home/assistive apartment living when the time comes.  We are hoping that she becomes more willing to relocate when she discovers that living alone is not what she wants to do.  We can only hope that we do not have to force her to evacuate the premises.

Thank you to Gina and Christian for all the time spent preparing Dad and Mom for the huge transition over such a short time period.  I am so excited that Dad is coming to live here.  I have been forewarned that he is very thin from not eating properly.  My mother thought that he was making his own meals and taking his own medication.  It's hard to believe that my mother was allowed to take care of him in the state of mind that she is in.  It's OK though, that was then, this is now!!

..... and then the tears.....

My sister calls me this afternoon and asks me in a cautious voice if I am sitting down or if not, could I find a seat.  She has travelled to Kingston this past week to drop in on our parents for their 50th anniversary.  She got to Kingston on Tuesday, days before the big event and was told that he was in the hospital...... the tears began and couldn't stop......

.........Our mother had called the OPP attachment in their small town and had reported him as being violent.  When the police arrived, she was telling them that he assaulted her and urinated all over the rug.  She neglected to mention that he had recently gone through a hernia operation and due to a venus leak from surgery which had caused his abdomen and scrotum to swell to proportions that had became unbearable.  He was bleeding internally and was unmedicated for pain and he could no longer tolerate it and the bloody urine coursed down his leg soaking into the carpet. He had pushed her aside and not assaulted her.  My father has Alzheimer's and the excruciating pain had disoriented and confused him.  My mother as usual in her dementia was sure he was just trying to make her mad.  She wanted him jailed for assault but fortunately the female officer decided to have him taken to the hospital to be examined and thats when they discovered the problem.  According to my sister, he is now comfortable and is pain free... today he ate.

I called my father at the hospital and he answered immediately.  He knew who I was and he asked about the family.  His sense of humor was back and the two of us laughed.  You could tell he knew the severity of the situation but chose to look on the bright side.... a side I easily share with him no matter what is going on.  One of the first things he said was how much food they were bringing him to eat.... I realize now that he was not eating enough and my sister described his condition as seriously slender with little fat on his frame.

I am trying to make arrangements to have him transported here as soon as I can find him a long-term facility.  I will try as hard as I can to get him where we can see him often... I know he would love to visit with his grandchildren and get to know them better, and maybe, his dementia will not progress.  I miss you Dad and think of you all the time. xoxoxo

.... Sarah's Wedding....

What a great wedding.....
..... the day started off cold, wet and drizzling.  The church was busy with another wedding and we were unable to gain entrance until after the estimated start of the ceremony.  It was an elegant and understated wedding and one of the most charming and love-filled weddings complete with Miss Payton - the daughter of the Bride and Groom.  The weather did not dampen the spirits.  If anything a lovely wedding always reminds me of the love and passion I have for my own husband.  The reconnecting of two hearts is sheer magic.

The reception was filled with loving friends and family... Sarah's family has been such an integral part of my own family.  Sarah was Lydia's age now when we first met and over the years our love and friendship has grown to include our children.  We have very little family in this country, at least until they all came into our lives.  Life has many great moments!!

Dinner was wonderful, followed by a trip across the dance floor to Nannie.  Time for Miss Payton to come home with me to go to bed.  Her newly married parents will be spending their first night as a married couple celebrating on their own.  She was a super tired little girl when we got her to the house but immediately perked up when she caught sight of Lydia.  It took her almost an hour to fall asleep.  We returned back to the reception and left Payton in the capable hands of Mitchel and Lydia.

This morning little Miss Payton stood up in her sleeping pen and peered over the edge eying Max and I.  All smiles when I pulled her up into my arms for a morning hello and hug.  Later when I was eating my bowl of cereal, she opened up her mouth and like a baby bird grunted until her mouth was filled.  She is adorable and I love her to pieces!!  Breakfast done and an hour of play and Miss Payton was ready for another sleep.  She was out before I even made it out the door!!  A nice long nap, an early lunch and some more playtime and it was time to take her back to mommy and daddy for a visit before they head out to their honeymoon weekend.  Lots of hugs, gift opening and off we go to head home for some quiet time.  Thanks Lydia for helping mommy.... love you alway and forever.  To Mitch, who has always been a fabulous helper... you are awesome!!

May Sarah and Len enjoy their honeymoon away!!!  Love you both, wishing you a lifetime of wonderful memories, joy and laughter always.

... Marketing interview at Fanshawe

.... busy mornings now seem to start up at 7 am in the labs.  I allow my students to just drop in early to get some one on one guidance to set them in the right direction.  Sara and I seriously need roller blades some days.... today especially I ingested way too many lovely colored gummy bears and a super-sized coffee.  I am playing to a packed house and trying to get everyone started on their next project so I can slip out for an interview with marketing.  My wonderful boss wants them to do a story on me.... and while I understand that it is a great thing to showcase the triumphs of the recent past and to share that with others, the other part wants to find anonymity.  I often joke that I was born petite, quiet and demure.... somehow my 5'10 stature,and  an outrageously outgoing personality makes this more than just an inside joke.... lol.

Today was a wonderful day!!!  It feels great to be alive and to be amongst the young men and women that I have the privilege of teaching each day.  Everyone should be so lucky to absolutely love what they do and to look forward to each and every day.  We never know how long we will grace this earth..... seizing each moment and breathing it all in at the moment it happens and remembering how it felt days or years later means you are truly living.

Sara had to pace behind me as I ran off to the test room and realized that I missed the classroom 3 times before I found myself breezing through the door of the right room.... flushed and three minutes late.  There they all were sitting quietly at their desks, knapsacks placed carefully at the front of the classroom as they had been instructed to do the day before.... impressed was a word I would use many times then and for the rest of the day.  Thank you to each and every one of those students for being amazing!!!  Thanks to Sara for following me and supporting me in the classroom and for managing to keep up in the hallway!!!

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and wonderful laughter!!!
M

.... my first paid published article....

.... I flip open the glossy pages of the first edition of go2 London magazine that Diane has just offered me.  We are standing amongst the waning crowd of the Tampon Tuesday event....I have arrived late.  She gives me a hug and leans in to let me in on her future plans with the magazine which includes the possibility of future offers for me to write another article.  I have been writing for years but this is my first paid article.  I am so excited that I share the news with familiar faces in the thinning crowd and get hugs from a number of them as we quickly catch up.  It has been almost 6 months since I last attended this event and only because my team practice on the lake is on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I can't sleep... it's been this way for a few nights now and I can easily blame it on the change of seasons but I know better than that.... there is always a lot on my mind but my thoughts these days have switched to Mom and Dad.  My brother has sent me some pics of our parents that he took this past summer... how did my parents get so old.  My Dad has Alzheimer's and it is slowly stealing him away.  I know that it is progressing from just the simple disorientation of last May to him now living in what amounts to the days of his early thirties.  It must be confusing for him to look in the mirror and see some old guy staring back at him?

Chris has been an absolute saint with his unwavering strength over the past 2 years of trips he can ill afford to take just to be with them to sort out one issue after another.  I am not able to visit at this time...busy with so much on the go with a recent return back to work into a hectic schedule.  I wonder why I did not make more of an effort to visit during the summer when I was home with the kids..... and then I realize that I would have spent my entire time working at the farm for days without a break in a body that can barely keep up at times with the fatigue that still pulls at me from time to time.  I just wonder what would have happened if they had decided to retire closer to us when they decided to leave Ottawa.  I think some days that my father might not have gone through such a downhill slide with his disease.  Most days, he just hides away by himself in what amounts to a self-imposed prisoner.  I just wish we were much closer than we are.  I hope that my relationship with my kids is strong enough to continue the bond into my aging years....

I should go to bed... at least get an hour of sleep before another 12 hour day begins.

http://www.myvirtualpaper.com/doc/go2london/go2london---first-issue/2011093001/#52