.... a lot can happen while you wait

.... I have not blogged in a while and after a number of worried phone calls, emails and texts all due of course to the waiting game that we have been dealing with for weeks now... about 4 to be precise. My original surgical consultation was supposed to be for the 1st September and I think about how long that wait would have eaten away at me and what it would have done to my mental well-being.... thanks to Annette, I did not have to do that and with 4 weeks to wait for pathology reports my temper is shorter and my patience thin. I feel withdrawn and isolated from the rest of the world which is why this weekend was such a great respite from that.....

Thursday

The morning was spent at the Faceit photo-shoot which went well and made me feel like a million dollars. Lydia finished reading camp in the late morning and the evening was spent with the family at the JLC for the 'Walking with Dinosaurs' show with tickets I had purchased in early May through Scouts Canada!! I sat through the show completely amazed that these creatures expired long before we even existed yet here we were in the 21st century watching a facsimile of these incredible creatures before us..... in the big scheme of things.... we are all so temporary and all so equally amazing. Afterwards, instead of going home, we went to see the fountain at the fork of the Thames and Lydia ran about from one play structure to another exploring and giggling and then sad to have to leave to go home.... we will go and play another time in the day when we can pack a lunch and bring the swimsuits to dance in amongst the water park fountains. The summer is fleeting and will soon come to an end but for now, we enjoy the days we have together and enjoy the heat.

Friday

Lydia, Mitchel and I spent lunch and the better part of the afternoon over at Sue's house with Brenda M. and as the girls and I were floating around on the warm waters on the sunny humid afternoon, the phone rang.... I am still in limbo but with the news that the cancer is not HER2, I am relieved and feel some of the weight lift off my shoulders. Sue brought out the champagne and we all toasted to life and the next step in my journey. Lydia is acting out and although I am not sure why, I can see that she is not herself... she wakes up in the middle of the night in pain and keeps us up most of the night. She gets a restful few hours and find her ready to go on Saturday.

Saturday

Lydia is cheerful and helps me shop for her Daddy's party in the morning and then spends the afternoon playing with a new friend from reading camp and later hangs out with the girl's over at Sue's house.... she is looking tired around the eyes and loses her appetite. I can't get her to drink very much and by the early morning hours she is in pain and is constipated. We sit up with her and get her something to sip on. I crawl into bed with her and exhaustion takes over and we both crash.... Max has had a great day which started with a round of golf with a friend and then a BBQ for his friends later in the evening.

Sunday

Lydia is feeling a little under but takes some time out to play with friends in the afternoon and sits with Eileen, Anna and Sarah who have come over for a swim and dinner. Max puts her to bed after trying to ease her constipation but it has become quite clear that she is ill and very uncomfortable.... it will be another night cuddling with her after trying to ease her constipation with a suppository.

Monday

Lydia has stopped eating and has taken few fluids despite my best efforts and now we are headed to emergency at Victoria Hospital where the only drink she will get will be an intravenous that she will have through the night. Max and I head over to X-Ray in the late evening and will wait until a few minutes after midnight for the on call ultra-sound technician to arrive.... she cannot find the 2 cm long appendix and searches for what seems eternity until she is positive that it is hidden beyond reach. It is now 1:30 am and I send Max home with the Visa card - he has to go to work and needs to leave to get any kind of restful sleep. According to the surgeon I will meet with next, there is a pocket of fluid near the area of the appendix, swollen lymph nodes and an extended bowel. She is sleeping restfully and makes no complaints of pain even though I know she is very uncomfortable. The nurses have attempted to feed me while she rests with a few sticks of cheese, crackers and juice. They have given us a cloth sack containing some toiletries when Lydia wakes up at 2:30 and we are off to brush our teeth and go to sleep in the private room they have provided for us within the emerg department. A gurney is not necessarily the most comfortable place to lay your head but the alternate would have been an armchair. I rest but wake up every few hours when they come in to check her to make sure she is still doing well. By 8:30 we are told by the head Surgical resident that she will be going home but they have given instructions to come back should she complain of pain or experience fever...... We manage to leave in between downpours at about 9 am and head out to Mcdonald's where she wants to eat some breakfast. Still little food and drink but she is happy and plays in the tubes - we are there all by ourselves and leave when a mom and her three boys show up. At home, Shelly knocks on the door - she has some plants for our pond area and we set about digging them in to the soil. Looking good, thanks Shelly!! Lydia and I spend most of the day cuddling or trying to capture rest but the phone is ringing and my BlackBerry is constantly beeping in my ear.... I am still waiting for my own surgeon's office to call and they do.... I will finally get to see him on Thursday afternoon and get to find out what will come next. It is only a few days away but the fatigue, stress and waiting is finally taking its toll and I find myself yelling..... Max does not understand sometimes but then it is easy to see that I take everything in stride and when my guard is up I am predictably strong and able - easy to forget for a moment what I am going through..... please just leave me be and don't engage when you see me aggravated.... oh and the hormones - do we even need to go there??!!

Thank you to all my friends who are showing their support, love and concern!! Thanks Deb for your call from Ottawa - I am fine.... just a little thin in the patience department but will get there!! Sue, the champagne was fantastic and a great way to ring in the week end - it is moments like these that I hold on to in the dark.

..... time for bed....

..... invasive

On Monday morning.....

I can't sleep and after rolling around in bed trying to find a comfy spot, I have given up and come downstairs. It was pouring again in the wee hours of the morning and at times hard enough to conjure up memories of camping in a canvas tent and hearing the relentless beat on the roof. I didn't take anything before bed and so my mind is busy grinding away with a multitude of thoughts and feelings ..... a walk down memory lane, only not all the memories are pleasant and I push them away only to find them returning like a vengeance. I peer out the back door and see a light shining down on the deck and know that it is the reflection of the moon and I carefully open up the door and peer up. The moon has an orange ring around it and in its almost half shape it is bright. I notice a line of white moving rapidly across the sky and in no time it has covered the moon and put out the light it had cast moments before on my face. So reflective of what I am feeling these days..... It is just after 4 am and my cat has come to cuddle in my lap as I begin to type. My daughter is fascinated by the pets in our house and how I am constantly being followed around by them... she notes that even the pet rats in her room will sit and listen attentively when I am reading stories to her...... I have grown up with animals my whole life and know that it is so important for children to learn to care for others in their early years. I have also learned to trust the instincts in small children and animals and those in myself. I am intuitive and when I have my quiet moments and when I am paying attention, I often can tell what is going on around me and what is coming ahead. Our busy lives take us in multiple paths of distractions and hinder that ability in all of us to be introspective... I try to distract myself but this morning it is difficult....

.... I am still in limbo and occupy my waking moments with children, laughter and domestic chores - it is the quiet time in the night when I cannot sleep that I wonder why I have not come up with a bucket list - after all, I am still mortal and yes, I have cancer but my thoughts always stay positive and look to the future... maybe not as far ahead as I would have a few months ago. I do catch myself saying ... I hope to watch my daughter marry some day and have her own children.... I wonder what my children will be like when they are adults? Did I do a good job as a Mom? What if I don't quite get there.... will they remember me? Will their memories be good ones? What kind of people will they be to others? to themselves? Will they be friends with each other? I realize that we are all here for such an incredibly short time in the scheme of things and that no one will really care about me in a few short decades after I leave and when those around me have forgotten me.... but what I leave behind in the time I spend between birth and my end date will be how I lived my life and what I thought important enough to leave to the next generation and how I hope that it is better than my own. I hold no animosity towards anyone and am incapable of holding a grudge. I am disappointed in those that do. My bucket list, if I ever get one would likely be about spending more time with my children and not sweating the little stuff. Being kind and doing a random act of kindness towards others every day because they have their own problems too. Reminding my friends on a regular basis why they are still my friends and to always let them know that I love and appreciate the people that they are. To send warm hugs and love to the sister who does not speak to me, to be caring and loving to the one that does and to always let my brother know he is always loved and appreciated. To understand that my parents really did do the best they could and that I appreciate the things they taught me that have become important in my life. To always be a good and loving partner to the one I vowed my life to and who has walked with me into uncharted territory all these years and especially now........

On Thursday morning..

... the word 'invasive' conjures up all sorts of images depending on your perspective and experiences and in my world I imagine it as being a difficult and prolific weed invading a garden.... my garden. I will call my cancer a weed, one which will need to be pulled from my garden without leaving behind more than a hole and a dim memory ....

I am reminded by my 7 year old daughter almost daily that she will streak her hair pink if I have to lose my hair and that she doesn't want me to die.... I know that she will take my lead and look to me for answers that right now, I clearly do not have. She grabs for my hand and walks with me now instead of running ahead unless Max already has it and then she runs ahead twirling as she puddle hops. She cuddles more often and tells me she loves me. She is trying to cope with something that she knows she has no control over. She tells us that she thinks about it every day and she worries.... she is as candid and as honest as I am with her. I am aware she is a child and as much as I want to protect her, I will not lie to her when she asks me a question to something she needs to have the answer to. She trusts me implicitly and I will not compromise that and so it becomes a debate with Max into the late hours of the evening. He tells her that I will live to be old and grey and I tell her that I have no plans to leave any time soon. It is a debate that no one wins and it amounts to what each of us believes to be right. I do not want him to make her promises that will later haunt him and destroy any trust she has for him and he wants me to tell her as little as possible so as not to worry her..... it is a dilemma. After much soul searching, the only conclusion that I can come up with is to love her as much as I can and to calm her fears by telling her that I will always love her and conduct our days as normally as possible. We will find something to laugh about and look forward to every day. We do not know how long any of us will be here and so maybe we should all be doing that anyway..... live, love and laugh Lydia!!!

It was great going into work the past few mornings and seeing people whom I either have not spoken to since I have left or have not seen in a few weeks. I miss being there and being busy in a connected way. Since I can't sit still for very long anyway... I am sure I can find stuff that I have pushed aside for a rainy day - like the kids scrapbooks and getting the pictures printed off for their photo albums. I will enjoy the rest of the summer with my children and the company that comes over to swim now that the days have warmed up enough to want to take a dip.

This morning I went downtown for a photo shoot with Faceit London at a photographer's studio on Dundas St. I found parking easily on Clarence just after the morning rush and minutes after dropping Lydia off at Reading Camp. The sun promises to kick up the heat for this afternoon and I smile as the beggar standing outside the studio doors politely lets me know that there were other people who have come before me and graciously hits the buzzer. I am let in to the studio - I will be having my make-up done by an artist this morning and will return later for the shoot... one of the ladies is at a medical appointment - can I do the shoot after make-up. No sweat, what great timing. I am standing in the back room talking to Annette near a window that has cast its light on my face and I notice the photographer, a slight young woman who has aimed her camera and begins to take candid photos - she likes the way the light falls across me. I am wearing my gardening gear not having planned my wardrobe for the morning make up but the clothes are comfortable and a soft blue which shows off my eyes. The cut off sleeves showcase my tattoos which would be part of the photographers focus. One of the ladies breezes past and stops to admire my artwork. She has a lovely face and a gentle way about her... I like her. After her shoot she drops in to make-up to wish me well - she knows that I am only part-way through my journey and she tells me she is near the end of hers with cancer. I wish her well and thank her for her kind words..... she is off and it is now my turn. The photographer likes what I am wearing and takes full advantage of my casual attire and captures my easy going attitude. She is great and her gentle guidance gives her the photos she needs. I hug her when it is over and away I go...... Annette is by the door and she says she will talk to me tomorrow - we both know that the news is not great but it will be the jumping off point for what is to come and what we have been waiting for. Hugs and a see you and I exit the building into the bright sunlight and as I put my sunglasses on I reach into my handbag again and extract what change I have left for the polite beggar outside the door. 'Bless you and have a nice day'..... 'you too' I quietly respond as I make my way to my car and back to my reality.

I wish to thank everyone for their laughter and their kind words.... these will take me far in my journey and to my husband who put together a picture from WALL-E showing him holding hands with Eve who at this point in the movie is shut down and is just there physically - he carefully put a well constructed Koi tattoo on her left arm and placed a pink ribbon on her chest adjacent to the light string that the WALL-E had place over her "shoulders". He is holding her side.... if you look closely, he has put his name on the character MAX-E. I must have cried for 20 minutes - Lydia came running to me and when I showed her she just smiled and said 'Daddy really loves you'...... and I love him too - the picture really says about a million words and really is very telling of our relationship and where we are in our lives right now.

.... girls night rules

.... ah the weekend ... the summer weekends are shorter and the weather a lottery when it comes to party planning and you always just work around whatever comes your way....

Friday was the day that Uncle Paul finished the yard work by removing the unsightly pile of dirt that was marking the lawn beneath brown... he carefully removed the clay and raked out the earth then seeded the whole thing. The sidewalk leading to the front of the house was then tackled and completed by Uncle Paul and assisted by Mitchel. He then began the arduous duty of finishing the deck and ran out of wood which meant a trip to the hardware store for us. The deck was finished by early evening while I continued to clean out the pool and get it ready for Saturday and my annual girl's night by the pool. This is the third annual gathering and ironically planned very strategically for the weekend that I am able to swim.... I planned this party 3 months ago and decided to do it on the second week end in August as opposed to the third weekend in July. Friday proved to be a rather stressful day and my frustration spilled over in the form of griping. It is always fantastic when your mate wants to get all these projects done.... please just remember to finish one before you start another and to clean up as you go!!

Saturday began with a dense covering of clouds that would soon begin to pour copious amounts of precipitation on Max and Uncle Paul while they struggled to get the pond completed.... it was a muddy mess and required an equal amount of hose water to wash off the deck and the sidewalk. Our wonderful neighbor Shelly had offered to have Lydia drop over to her house to catch some fish from her pond - Lydia adores Shelly and she jumped at the opportunity to spend time with her. They added 5 little goldfish babies to our pond along with the Stratiotes Aloides 'Water Soldier/cactus' plants that Shelly had given to us the day before. Thank you for always being so wonderful to us and especially to Lydia. The pond finally completed, Max and Paul went in to shower and get ready to vacate the house for the evening - my guests should start to arrive within the hour.

Brenda A is the first to arrive and she looks fantastic with her new hairdo and make-up and I am excited to see her!! She gets down to the business of helping me prepare tonight's feast - ribs and chicken with salad and mashed potatoes. Carrie comes next followed by Sue, Shelly, Jan, Ameeta, Andrea, Nancy and later by Brenda B, Sandra and Kim. Carrie is my out-of-town guest and has already stashed her gear in my son's room and is preparing drinks with a special concoction she has devised - finding Nemo.... you have to drink what looks like the color of an angry ocean to find the cherry hidden beneath the ice floes.... yum! With dinner finished and desserts coming out, the ladies quickly clean up the mess. Thanks Jan for coming!! It was so nice of you to drop in. My gratitude for the great job in clean-up!!

Shelly, Carrie and I are going to brave the obnoxious weather and cold pool water - note to self - time to get a pool heater - but first I have to say bye to Andrea who has come to visit from Toronto and I tell myself not to tear up... it is so hard to see her go, I miss her so much!! I love you girl!! The beautiful Gerber daisies she gave me will remind me that she was here. Back to poolside it is Carrie and I that jump in to the cold water together and laugh like idiots when we surface!! Shelly has paced around the pool and is determined to get in despite the chilly temperatures and we again laugh like idiots when she comes up and tears out of the pool!! You are so brave. Ahhh, the rain begins again and we get out to get changed and join everyone now gathering in the gazebo. The rain has now reached torrential proportions and the gazebo begins to leak in places... time to go into the house. Brenda B has been knocking at the door and is unaware that we have been out back - I call to her as she is turning to leave. Lots of hugs later and she has joined in to the conversation at the kitchen counter. I have known her quite a few years and her son and my son are having a sleepover at her house... they are now old enough to watch each other.... they grow up so fast. Joel, Sandra and Kim drop in and I am thrilled that they are able to make it.... Joel is cutting up the sweet treat he has made for this occasion and hands it out to the women while the girls get their drinks... time for him to go back to his guy gathering but will return to pick up the girls. With more of the ladies on their way out I am able to play catch up with Sandra and Kim - I miss not being at work with you gals... so used to saying hi every day. Joel returns a few hours later and after admiring all the hard labour put in by Max and uncle Paul, it is time for the girls to head out. Thank you so much for coming out and I will see you soon :)

It is now just Carrie and I and we head out to the pool with our towels and premixed drinks in a jug to sit poolside while we float on the inflatable chairs I purchased for the event. With the stereo on and the floating lit flowers we can feel the heat of the front moving in. We float about chatting into the wee hours.... the school year keeps Carrie and I busy with little time to get together and I have missed her dearly. The tears would flow later when I have to say bye in the morning.... amazing how fast the time goes by and how little of it you have. We promise to not let the time slip by us so fast in between visits. We marvel at the sheet lightening in the sky and life is good. Thunder, although in the distance warns us of things to come and we make our way out of the pool... it is early in the morning and we know that we need our sleep.... not 17 any more!! Thank you Carrie for being such an awesome friend!!

Sunday becomes a hot and lazy day and as I wave at Carrie from the driveway, wiping tears from my eyes, I am happy and blessed by those that have come into my life and have been my friend over the years.... I just can't believe how busy life has been and I am sad that we only see each other on occasion.

William arrives home first and he agrees to float in the pool with me but chickens out when he realizes how cold it is. Instead he hands me the dog's rope and pulls me around the pool from the water's edge.... we giggle and I remember pulling him around in the same fashion as a small child in a blue bin with yellow nylon rope handles and hearing him squeal with delight as I towed him around the house behind me. My, how he has grown so tall and handsome and how I sometimes see that little boy in his face. He always could make me smile and today was no exception. I love you so much Will!! He turns to me and says ' love you momma' and smiles that charismatic smile that the girls love so much.

Brenda A and her family arrive soon after - they are here for dinner and a swim - the pool is now refreshing in the oppressive heat and we are able to float in the chairs while watching her daughters swim about. Lydia and Daddy arrive with Mitchel, whom they have picked up on their way back from Stratford where they stayed the night with family. Uncle Paul will come back next week. We will miss his company for now but have plans for fun outings when he returns. Brenda helps with dinner and I enjoy her company - always there helping out and just being sweet. I love you!! I miss not living just around the corner... you would have joined me on the porch watching the storm roll in later in the day. You leave before the storm hits and lots of hugs later I will see you tomorrow afternoon for the facial I have booked for the two of us!!!

The storm hits and its power is incredible.... the lightening lights up the sky and the streetlights below shut off with the temporary brightness. The winds are whipping the trees about and the rain slashes at the windows. Lydia is scared and gets into our bed while Mitchel attempts to console her with hugs. Mommy is here and I crawl in next to her.... she coils her body around mine as we fall fast asleep. Mommy loves you Lydia - always and forever. Mommy loves you Mitchel for always being sweet and kind and forever you will be in my heart. I am blessed with three beautiful children and a husband who keeps trying to be his best no matter what. Love you all.

Thank you to everyone who shared in this weekend!!! Sending out special Birthday Wishes to Dr. Annette Richard for Saturday and to Sara J. who has birthday today. Love and hugs to you both.

.... surgical follow up

..... despite the lack of sleep I am clearly awake and preparing myself mentally for the day and smile when I see that I am not the only one up so early in the morning.... my Facebook is online as usual these days and my friends are offering their support and love .... easy to see some days where I draw my strength when my reserves run low. Max is taking Lydia to reading camp this morning and we have made arrangements for our ever wonderful Uncle Paul to pick her up in the event my Surgeon's appointment runs long. I am mentally ready, dressed and leaving the house. I take note of the beautiful clear morning and I draw in a deep breath in the unusually cool August morning. I am going to University Hospital and now know the way to the out-patient surgical clinic on the 8th floor. I no sooner get comfortable in the waiting room which on a previous visit was empty, but my number is called and I am led to an examining room with the Surgeons name on the door..... this tag has moved from its previous door front... there are many surgeons who share this clinic and this simplifies where everyone will be this morning.

The nurse inspects the steri strips and gently removes them... the scar is slim and from my vantage point looks like a frown - it will soon fade in time and leave a reminder of these days... the other scar is under my arm and because of the sensitive location, my arm feels like it is pulling tight on a muscle when extended and I grimace with the discomfort. The other scars are from other incisions - biopsies and large gauge needles are a stark contrast to the white skin surrounding them. Each scar has tough lumpy tissue beneath them and this too will diminish with time. The nurse is surprised by my range of motion and comments that most women will stiffen up and experience long term problems. I never stop moving and now I see the advantage of that..... from the second day after surgery I would push myself to move carefully but constantly despite the pain... a warning I received from a woman I met going through chemo who made sure I was aware how important this was. I learned years ago to take advice from those who have travelled before.... saves the effort of learning the hard way.... I also do not take pain killers because I need to know what hurts and to not push beyond what is tolerable.

The surgeon enters the room and smiles at me... he recognizes the tattoos and remembers that my husband's opposite arm is also tattooed. He asks what I do for a living and is interested in the answers... this is the small talk while he attempts to get Pathology on the phone. He is only across the hall and asks me to call him if the phone rings... he is training an intern and will use the time he has wisely as I get dressed. He checks in with me a number of times before the nursing station phone rings and he is called over to take it. I can only hear his side of the conversation but get the idea that the report is not complete and he is given very little information. I hear the polite thank you and he hangs up the phone with little more than a preliminary report. There seems to be something found in the minutest of scales that would indicate that perhaps cancer has been located in the lymph node - out of the six harvested in surgery, he is not told which one. He only knows that according to the report on the carcinoma removed that it was complete..... a mystery that Pathology has decided requires further investigation and more testing. They want to be sure before issuing a formal report and have indicated that this will take a few more days. My surgeon feels positive about having removed the tumor and will call me as soon as the report is submitted. He has a very gentle smile and I can see his eyes are warm and friendly as he lets me know that I am free to go. Through the short wait time in the exam room, I have been texting Mandi - she is concerned and wants to know if I am OK.... I am fine and will face this another day by hoping for the best. My friends have all been texting and emailing with their concern and support. Today I was not alone and I am grateful for the love. xoxoxox Thanks Shelly for the hysterical humorous relief this afternoon.... still finding it funny!! :D

Today I felt really good - physically strong and able to play with my beautiful daughter - I am teaching her how to shoot baskets and I have enough range in my arm to shoot and score but not quite up to playing 3 on 3 even with the spanky new sports bra.... I realize that I am out of shape. I will resolve to do something physical every day even if it is just a walk.

While Max and Uncle Paul get closer to finishing the pond, I am replacing the damaged gasket from the pool filter.... our pool has turned slightly green and my party is 2 days away - my plans never changed and I am determined to continue regardless of the path I am on. I am looking forward to seeing the girls and laughing - enjoying the life I have been blessed with.

Special thanks to all my friends for the wonderful messages and the time you have taken to show your kindness and support. I wish to congratulate Norm and Melissa - Baby #1 will be arriving soon into the new year if I calculated out the right time frame!!! So exciting!!

.... beach day

..... I went to bed late and took no Melatonin - I figured I could go to sleep and stave off the nerves that have been at me all day...... I must have fallen asleep at some point through the night because my molars ache from being ground but I am now wide awake and it is 4:15 am. My breast is still swollen and pains me as I roll over and I can feel my heart beating through my ribcage as if it could get away if it weren't for the ribs keeping it in check..... the hardest part of this journey seems to be the waiting.

Wednesday 5th August.....

Today is Lydia's second day out at the summer reading camp and she is liking this newest adventure in her summer. She is missing Day Camp and her many trips and adventures but this is just great with her because she is once again amongst her peer group and able to spend afternoons with us. I am so grateful that her distractions are keeping her busy and giving us something to talk about. Uncle Paul waits with us by the doors to pick her up but I get to drop her off in the mornings - just the two of us. We hold hands as we walk to the doors and take the opportunity to chat about anything and everything. She plays on the climbers this morning wearing her skirt and I watch as she gingerly picks her way across the ancient bars on flip flops. The conversation near by is between a woman my age and one much younger - the older woman can't understand why some women get married multiple times and she spits out her disdain for those of us who have..... I am glad for my second marriage because it was to my soul mate and I watch my daughter, our daughter smiling up at me as I walk away from the ladies. She is done playing and it is time to go to the classroom - she grabs my hand and pulls me to her upturned face. ' I love you so much mommy' she says gently and wants me to kiss and hug her all the way to the door and I oblige with just as much enthusiasm.... 'I love you too baby!'

We are going to the beach right after we pick her up at noon and she is asking us as soon as she sees us and squeals with excitement when we tell her the car is packed and ready - we go through the check list of every item and when satisfied that we have everything - she sits back in the seat and smiles. Uncle Paul is with us and so is Mitchel, big brother William is already at Canada's Wonderland with his friends. My children are busy and the summer is going by fast. The day is perfect at Port Stanley and I miraculously find a parking space in the busy lunch hour outside of Mackies. A light wind plays across our face and the water sparkles in the sunlight - life is good!! Uncle Paul is ecstatic and can't believe that we have a beach so close to us... I get to see this day through his eyes. I play on the shoreline with Lydia because the steri strips are still on and I do not want to get my incisions wet in the lake water, at least not yet. We get to eat Mackie fries on the beach and the picnic lunch I have made. We will buy our vegetables for dinner on the way back but forego the trip to Shaw's Dairy for another day. Uncle Paul is so grateful for the wonderful beach day and I am eternally grateful to him for taking the children swimming.

I am looking forward to this evening after supper. Sara and Elaine are coming for a visit at 7 pm but that time comes and goes and the phone rings at 7:30. Not only have they gotten lost but the car that Sara is driving has become uncooperative and is now showing signs of overheating. I can't help but laugh and I am trying to give instructions on how to find me and after talking and laughing with both ladies on the phone I have decided to walk out to the road and flag them down. Within minutes the ladies pull around the corner to park across the street from my house. Laughing and hugging, my friends come through the house to the backyard with Sara's dog Roxy in tow. Thelma (my dog) loves the company and the two of them are tearing around the backyard, drinking out of the newly formed pond and running around the dirt Max has piled in the yard. Across the adjoining yard walks Sue carrying baby Malakai and mommy Vanessa just steps behind..... and Brenda joins the parade through the adjoining gate - the gathering has begun. Hugs and hellos and we all sit to laugh at the antics of dogs and baby!! I am so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life that they would take time out to spend it with me. Thank you all so very much!! We talk about what is coming next and I really can't say much because I can only guess..... it is on my mind and worries me and I sometimes find myself rambling through the conversation. Sue, Brenda, Vanessa and baby Malakai have to go and we wave and hug goodbye - thank-you for coming by and now it is Sara and Elaine that sit with me through the evening. I will miss you gals this fall and the opportunity to work with you both will unfortunately have to wait. My life as I have known it has been suspended indefinitely for now - it has taken a detour and as I sit in my oasis sipping on a glass of wine, I am glad for the friendships and the distractions that the summer has brought. It is time for the ladies to leave and I find myself once again waving bye from the driveway. Gee I hope the car gets you home... Mitch, our neighbor has been kind enough to check on it while we were visiting and topped up the radiator. Even my visitors see what a great neighborhood I live in.... It really is the people that make a place a home.

I catch up on emails and Facebook before calling it a night.... tomorrow will be what it will be and although I am anxious, I will face whatever comes my way with head up and eyes forward (something that Mark always says to me) and have faith in my journey. Thank you to my visitors today, to Mark for his constant support and phone calls, to Uncle Paul for being here for all of us and to my family for being so darn lovable! Thank you to my friends for their kind notes and loving words and to those that are patient with me on days when I am not myself. My strength does not only come from within but also from around me. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

.... the long week-end

.... there is always something so redeeming about a long weekend in which the weather co-operates and is spent with friends and family....

Max had an opportunity on Saturday to carefully chisel out the rest of the pond and sculpt it into a shape that followed the contours on what it was in its previous life - my flower bed.... so unfortunate that the majority of plants would not survive the spades and two men in boots. I can see that the only plants to be salvaged are wilted in their pots and chances are that the blooms would not be appearing any time soon or ever again. I manage to crawl around the garden, finally feeling well enough to garden and Lydia is running in and out of the pool for the majority of the day. Nancy appears at the door in the afternoon and we get a chance to catch up..... has it really only been three weeks.... feels like a lifetime. She if off and running... I would see her later that night at JJ's and more hugs - thanks for being such a good friend.

Sunday... Max is finished the shaping of the pond and begins the process of putting in the rubber liner. Lydia is quick to jump into the 'pit' wearing work gloves and starts placing the small rocks along the bottom of the pond .... surprised that she is not inspecting each individual one looking for fossils - a favorite pastime with the multitudes of rocks we have in our pathways that when she finds one, it finds its way into buckets, pots or really any available carrier - pockets included - these are not lawn mower friendly but then, no rocks are. Done this task, she sits on the end of the deck with the business end of the hose playing with the stream as she fills the pit. Our neighbor shouts across the yards letting us know that he is impressed with the new pond ornament - a real original and colorful addition to our already visually busy oasis, we laugh and are grateful for the humor. The backdoor opens and Will announces the arrival of our guests - Annarita and Jenn are here!!! Hugs and hellos, we take them out to the Gazebo and enjoy a glass of wine in the wonderful sunshine. I haven't seen Jenn is so long and it feels good to catch up. Hard to believe that the last time I saw her was at her wedding about 5 years ago. Thanks for the yummy chicken Annarita and for coming out to see me. I miss you. They are off and running and I stand and wave as they drive off... been doing a lot of that lately... I really miss my life but am touched by all the really great people in my life who have offered friendship and love. Dinner comes and goes and our neighbors pass through the connecting gate we installed last summer with beer in hand, and after admiring Max's latest creation, we camp out in the gazebo and talk into the evening while Lydia and their two grandchildren play around the yard. We agree to meet in the morning when I will host breakfast and Lydia can continue to play with the boys.

Monday - we rise early enough to put on the coffee, dice up some fresh fruit, cut up Costco muffins (more like miniature coffee cakes), scrambled eggs and voila - come and get it!!! Max is going golfing with Mitch and John and he is so stoked!! Finally, he gets to go out and play while I get ready for our afternoon guests - Uncle Paul is staying for another week and the kids can't wait 'till he arrives. Mom and Dad are bringing him and staying for dinner. Life is great and we enjoy a quiet afternoon... at least Mom and I do as Lydia ropes in Grand Dad and commands him to play jailer and jailed.... she is the Warden and we rein in our mirth as our 74 year old Dad is made to sit on the slide while being lashed to it with the dog rope. Amazing that he is so jovial after about an hour of Lydia time :) They are pals through and through and he would go through anything as long as it was with her. She really has a way with him... he really needs to be a little firmer.. bless him, he is as sweet as the day is long. It is a process when they leave after a visit... we walk them out to the car, more hugs and kisses later.... I stand in the road and wave again... I sense a pattern here.....

It has been a fabulous weekend and we are eternally grateful for our family, friends and neighbors. Bless you all. Love always, Marita xoxoxoxox

.... reactions

This journey is filled with opportunities and pitfalls and I have a soul mate who travels with me and tries to navigate as best as he can but with more bad news coming, his anger bubbles to the surface and he becomes difficult without meaning to be. He is angry at what he feels is an injustice and is short with us. I manage to pull out of him slowly what is wrong but I end up pointing out all the chores that are left undone and mentioning that I have to get help from a neighbor after asking him half a dozen times. His reaction is swift and nasty and we bicker. We don't talk about the cancer and how it has inconvenienced our comfortable life and how we have hit a point in our life where we are in step with each other and are just beginning to enjoy the fruits of our labour. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood and enjoy good friendships and social outings. Our children are at varying ages of independence but are beyond the needy stages of those tot years. He is angry because I am a good person and I am his soul mate and this should not be happening and I am angry because I can not help him much beyond listening to him and being there. I try my best and I know he is trying his.... we are in the process of getting ready for bed but instead of crawling in next to him... I go downstairs to sleep on the couch - I want to be alone as I cry myself to sleep.

It is what it is and it is happening to me, to us... this illness affects everyone we come in contact with. Our children take our lead and we continue to parent as we always have, even when our oldest senses a chink in our resolve and tries to take advantage of those moments. We are on him and as a team, we stand our ground and he backs down. Oh, yes... they are still teens no matter what is going on around them but I have not left my post, life goes on as normally as possible. I took my middle child shopping yesterday and I really needed to find support for my 'girls' and some shirts to wear. I apologize in advance to him because I do not want to try on the sports bra knowing the effort would antagonize the swollen breast, I merely put the band around me to see if it would fit while we are standing between the racks. He understands and is supportive of my efforts. Thanks Mitch, I really appreciate you being there in the middle of the bra section with your Mom - now that takes guts!! Lydia is finishing up with day camp and she has made cards last night with Sue and myself to give to all her councillors. She is thoughtful and kind and always mindful that I am going through this journey with her too!! She is gentle when she cuddles in to me and traces the top of my breast where the incisions are and asks me if they hurt. Lydia would like me to play with her but most of the games are physical and require jumping and hanging upside down - we settle with books and walks... thank goodness for the new sports bra. Max and I take Lydia for a walk. We clasp hands while she rides on her big wheel. He is still brewing inside and I call him on it a few times and try to let him know that it will all work out the way its supposed to. I realize that he needs to talk to someone and not about golfing or digging a pond - he needs his friends around him. I am so fortunate that I have mine coming around and sitting with me. Men going through this are terribly lonely and powerless. He cannot do anything but be an emotional rock but I can see that his exterior is crumbling fast. He needs his friends and he needs them now!!

Max is out there making good on all his promises to clean up the yard, and to continue to work on the pond alone... this morning we are not talking.... We are both on this journey but feel very alone sometimes and although we are apart and doing our respective chores, we are still very much on each other's minds .. our souls are connected but for now we both choose to carry on with our tasks independently of each other and alone .... yesterday was one of those really rough days, which on the upside, makes the good ones really shine.

Lunchtime arrives and I ask Max to read what I have written so far... he is quiet and I can hear him from the living room where I am out of view. He comes into the living room and the tears begin to flow as his sobs get louder. 'I'm so sorry'.... it is a rare moment and I hold my wonderful husband close. It's OK to not always have to take on the world with a brave face... we are in this together and I love him dearly.

We have been invited out to a BBQ with close friends of ours whose family has become so a part of my own. We emigrated here in the mid 60's and with no extended family and my immediate family scattered about, they are as close as it gets to being family without being genetically linked. Tina brings her new baby Gabby who I get to hold... she is so tiny and within my weight restrictions. Her little arm reaches out of the blanket I have swaddled her in and the world is right again. More little kisses on her tiny head and she makes the circuit with all the ladies. As we go to leave, more hugs and well wishes from everyone. Thank you Sarah for a wonderful time and Len, you really do make the best hamburgers around. Thanks 'Mom' for being there and for always having an incredible attitude and insight.

We drop off our children at home, put Lydia to bed and head off to JJ's for a few hours to wish Emily all the very best in her new life chapter. I get to see people I have not seen in what seems like a lifetime. It is so good to be there and mingling with people I miss seeing every day at work. Nancy dropped by in the afternoon to spend time with me at home and I am thrilled that she made it out to the gathering this evening. Kelli, Janice, Joelly, Sandra, Kim, Ken, Annarita and Deborah!!! I am tired and ready for bed. We wave bye and head off for home hand in hand..... started rough and ended well. Thank you everyone.

Thanks Mandi for the hugs, lunch and great conversation on Friday - you are a good friend who needs no excuse to come by. Jilly, you are my soul friend and a source of hugs no matter how far away you are :) I love you so much. Thank you to my husband for bearing the world on his shoulders - I am here for you too and I love you more today than I did yesterday and will love you always and forever.... just remember.... it is only a part of our journey and it will only serve to make us stronger.